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Damn the superman one and the dildo ones are fucken classic. I'm writing these down.
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Two nuns in a bath, the first says "where's the soap", The second says "yes it does, does'nt it!"
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Q: Why did Jesus die on the cross?
A: He forgot his safe word. |
I'm going to tell the whale one with the blowjob but no seamen,
but I'm going to make them sperm whales! :1orglaugh |
I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother :winkwink:
I failed my driver’s test. The guy asked me "what do you do at a red light?" I said, I don’t know… look around, listen to the radio… |
Why do dogs lick their weiners ??
Because they can't make a fist ;) |
A hamburger walks into a bar, hops up on a stool and says, "Barkeep -- give me a beer!" The bartender replies, "I'm sorry...we don't serve food here."
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Duck walks into a bar, walks up to the barman and says : 'Got any milk?', Barman says politely 'no this is a bar we serve alcohol'.
The duck sits there patiently for a few minutes and then turns the the barman to say 'Got any milk?', again the barman says 'No this is a bar'. Duck sits back looking about the bar again and says to the barman 'got any milk?' barman getting slightly agitated says ' no i don't have any fucking milk'. The duck sits back and after a few minutes turns to the barman and says 'got any milk?' - the barman now enraged says 'if you ask me for milk one more time, i'll nail your bill to the bar'. The duck looks up at the barman and says 'got any nails?' barman says 'no' duck says 'got any milk?' |
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A bear walks into a bar and the bar tender says we don't serve your kind here. So the Bear goes.... give me a bear! The bar tender says get out of here or I will shoot you, we don't serve your kind. The Bear says.... give me a fucken bear now bitch! The bar tender whips out a gun and shoots the bear in the hand, so the bear bails out quick while bleeding everywhere.... 6 months later.. the bear walks into the bar slamming the doors then walks up to the tender and says.... I came.. for the man.. who shot my paw.. |
What's needed to make a woman laugh
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Decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!
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A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions". The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that is a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time".
She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick." |
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Women are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.
Har, har, har. |
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Really? How so? |
Confucius say, man who go to bed with itchy asshole wake up with stinky finger.
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I was in Brisbane waiting for ages for a bus.
Then what do you know, two float past at once. |
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I should have posted it in here!
http://www.gofuckyourself.com/showthread.php?t=1006083 |
Best punchline: "Your funds are safe..."
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A woman was in a coma being cared for by the Intensive Care nursing staff who noticed a little reaction on the vital signs monitor as they washed between her legs during a sponge bath. They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement on the monitor.
As soon as they realised what had happened they went straight to her husband and told him: This may not work, but, maybe some oral sex could bring your wife out of the coma. The husband remained skeptical, but he finally let himself be convinced. The nurses took him to his wife’s room and explained that they would leave them alone so they could have more privacy, but would be checking her vitals in the other room for any reaction. After a few minutes the monitor’s alarm goes off and she flatlines...no pulse, no heartbeat, nothing! The nurses run into the room desperate to help the woman and see what went wrong, asking the husband, what happened?!? The husband says "She choked." |
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