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Tecnikal Diffikulties No. 3
This is the official joke thread. The best joke gets a free (maybe ugly) design for his webmaster program (no paysite).
Go ahead. |
A man had recently gone through a messy divorce to his wife of 10 years. Part of the settlement was that for every dollar he made, she would get 2/3 of it. If he made $300, she would get $200 and he would get $100. So, she would always get twice as much as he did.
One day on a jog, he found a corked bottle lying on the ground, and of course, when he rubbed on it to try to clean it off, a genie came out. 'You know the drill,' said the genie. 'You get three wishes, but be aware that for everything you wish for, you ex-wife gets twice as much. That was in your settlement and I am obligated to stick to that.' 'Yea, OK,' said the man. 'For my first wish, I want a million dollars.' 'Done,' said the genie. 'But now your wife has 2 million.' 'I know, I know...' said the man. 'Now I wish for a mansion and a matching sports car in the garage.' 'Done,' said the genie. 'But now your wife has a mansion twice your size and two matching sports cars in the garage.' 'I know, I know...' said the man. 'Now, for my last wish, I want you to beat me half to death.' |
I got one:
The irs sends a hotshot auditor to audit a rabbi. The auditor decides to have some fun: He asks what do you do with the leftover crumbs? Rabbi says we send them to matzah factory and they send us free matzah. He thens asks what do you dso with the drops of wine? We send to wine factory they send us some new wine.... The rabbi is getting pissed The guy asks what do you do with the leftovers from the circumsisions? Rabbi say we send them to IRS and occasiopnally then send us a new little prick like you!!!!! |
What time does a chinese man go to the dentist?
2:30 |
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GOOD ONE YOU ALMOST GOT THE FREE DESIGN!! |
worried father confronted his daughter one night. 'I don't like that new boyfriend, he's rough and common and bloody stupid with it.'
'Oh no, Daddy,' the daughter replied, 'Fred's ever so clever, we've only been going out nine weeks and he's cured me of that illness I used to get once a month.' |
What do you call a chinese caveman
Ugh Lee |
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TO GET ANOTHER LIFE PLEASE JOKE MORE THAN WE COULD! |
Saturday morning and Bob's just about to tee off for a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming round at noon.
So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home. 'Hello,' says a little girl's voice. 'Hi, honey, it's Daddy,' says Bob. 'Is Mummy near the phone?' 'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.' After a brief pause, Bob says, 'But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey.' 'Yes I do and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy.' 'Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put the phone down, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mummy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car's just pulled up outside the house.' 'Okay, Daddy.' A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. `Well I did what you said, Daddy.' 'And what happened?' 'Well, Mummy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran round and round screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell out the front window and now I think she's all dead.' 'Oh my God... and what about Uncle Frank?' 'He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too.' There is a long pause, then Bob says, 'Swimming pool. . . what swimming pool? Is this 555-*** ....?' |
a baby seal walks into a club
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Little Johnny was sitting in Beginning Sex Ed class one day when the teacher drew a picture of a penis on the board.
"Does anyone know what this is?" She asked. Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sure, my daddy has two of them!" "Two of them?!" the teacher asked. "Yeah. He has a little one that he uses to pee with and a big one that he uses to brush mommy's teeth!" |
these are all pretty old. I have a really dry sense of humor
what do you call a paki thats been everywhere and done everything? Beender Dundat |
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How come there aren't any Mexicans on Star Trek?
They don't work in the future, either. Why do ******s cry during sex? The Mace. What's long and black and smells like shit? The welfare line. What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead ****** in the road? The dead dog has skid marks in front of it. A ****** and a spic jump off the Empire State Building, who hits the ground first? The spic, because the ****** had to stop on the way down and spray paint "motherfucker" on the wall. Why is Stevie Wonder always smiling? He doesn't know he's black. |
There was an opening with the CIA as an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to three men but only one position was available.
So the day came for the final test to see which man would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. `We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances,' they explained. 'Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.' The man got a shocked look on his face and said, 'You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife.' 'Well,' says the CIA man, 'you're definitely not the right man for the job then.' So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances,' they explained to the second man. `Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her? The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, and then the door opened and the man came out with tears in his eyes. 'I tried to shoot her but I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my own wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job.' 'No,' the CIA man replied, `you don't have what it takes. Take your wife and get the hell home.' Now the CIA are down to one man left to test. Again they lead him to the same door of the same room and give him the same gun. 'We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair, take this gun and kill her.' The third man took the gun and opened the door and before the door had even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, and then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the third man. He wiped the sweat from his brow and said, `You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with f***ing blanks. I had to beat the bitch to death with the chair.' |
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read ready...
Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free. " The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded. " The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio. " The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing? The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and go-go dances in a gay bar. "The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio." |
YES YES YES!!!
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These four friends were so confident that the
eekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas and party with some friends up there. They had a great time. However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Austin until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to Dallas for the weekend with the plan to come back and study but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final. The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each ne in his separate room. "This is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire? |
WOWW WOWOWOWOWO AWESOME BABIES!
IF U CONTINUE LIKE THIS ILL BE LAUGHING VERY HARD!!! |
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Little Johnny had never had sex in his life, so his buddy Billy told him that he'd take him to a girl that would teach him a few things. He agrees.
Later, Little Johnny's in a room with the girl. She takes off her clothes, and asks him, "Do you know what I want?" Little Johnny says, quite honestly, "No." She lies down on the bed, and asks him the same question again. Again he answers, "No." Now, she's not sure exactly what to do, so she spreads her legs all the way spread-eagle! She asks, "Now do you know what I want?" Little Johnny answers, "Yeah. You want the whole damned bed to yourself." |
In an elevator...
When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more. Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream 'that's mine'. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator. Move your desk into the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment. Leave a box in the corner and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking. Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers. Ask, 'Did you feel that?' Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally. When the doors close, announce to the others, 'It's okay, don't panic, they open again.' Call out 'group hug', and then enforce it. Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. |
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The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect.
Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth." In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead." Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off." The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty." When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe. Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals". Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse. When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant." An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato." Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained "It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused." Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means "big breasts." In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno mag. In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water. Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name. In an effort to boost orange juice sales in predominantly continental breakfast eating England, a campaign was devised to extoll the drink's eye-opening, pick-me-up qualities. Hence the slogan, "Orange juice. It gets your pecker up." |
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A woman walks into a doctor's surgery with a huge boil on her arse.
The doctor squeezes it, pushes it, and then looks at the hard white pus core. He says, 'This is too big a job for me.' So he sends her to Gus the pus sucker. The woman goes to Gus who looks at the bulging, red, inflamed boil festering with pus and says, 'This is no problem.' Halfway through the operation the woman drops a mammoth fart. Gus stops what he's doing, looks up and says, 'You know lady, it's people like you that make this job f***ing disgusting.' |
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If satan wore a hairpiece, there would be hell toupee
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How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you. Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts the sentence with, `A man once told me...' How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There's a clock on the stove. Why do men pass gas more than women do? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course... at least he'll shut up after you've let him in. All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told. What do you call a woman with two brain cells? Pregnant. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her. What do you call a woman who has lost 95 percent of her intelligence? Divorced. Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same. Scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent - wedding cake. |
A woman keeps asking her husband if her boobs are so small. ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?'' she asks.
The next day her husband buys her a mirror. Before bed, she always looks in the mirror and asks her husband, ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?'' Finally he gets so annoyed that he says, ''I know how to make them larger!'' ''How!?!?!?'' she asks. ''Take a bunch of toilet paper and rub it in between your boobs.'' ''Well how long does it take?'' she asks. ''They should expand over the years,'' he answers. ''How did you know that?'' she wonders. ''I dunno, but it sure worked for your ass, didn't it?''' |
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