The Official OCCash Is A Joke Thread (tell your best joke and win $100 Epass)
 

Tell you best joke in this thread and we will send you $100 Epass on OCCash. That's all there is to it. Let 'em rip guys (and girls)!

What's wet cold and running like hell?















A black man in Sweden

The design for my site is good for a laugh, does that count?
www.homemadepaysite.com is you are wondering which one

Look, I'm not a hateful person or anything–I believe we should all live and let live. But lately, I've been having a real problem with these homosexuals. You see, just about wherever I go these days, one of them approaches me and starts sucking my cock.

Take last Sunday, for instance, when I casually struck up a conversation with this guy in the health-club locker room. Nothing fruity, just a couple of fellas talking about their workout routines while enjoying a nice hot shower. The guy looked like a real man's man, too–big biceps, meaty thighs, thick neck. He didn't seem the least bit gay. At least not until he started sucking my cock, that is.

Where does this queer get the nerve to suck my cock? Did I look gay to him? Was I wearing a pink feather boa without realizing it? I don't recall the phrase, "Suck my cock" entering the conversation, and I don't have a sign around my neck that reads, "Please, You Homosexuals, Suck My Cock."

I've got nothing against homosexuals. Let them be free to do their gay thing in peace, I say. But when they start sucking my cock, then I've got a real problem.

Then there was the time I was hiking through the woods and came across a rugged-looking, blond-haired man in his early 30s. He seemed straight enough to me while we were bathing in that mountain stream, but, before you know it, he's sucking my cock!

What is it with these homos? Can't they control their sexual urges? Aren't there enough gay cocks out there for them to suck on without them having to target normal people like me?

Believe me, I have no interest in getting my cock sucked by some queer. But try telling that to the guy at the beach club. Or the one at the video store. Or the one who catered my wedding. Or any of the countless other homos who've come on to me recently. All of them sucked my cock, and there was nothing I could do to stop them.

I tell you, when a homosexual is sucking your cock, a lot of strange thoughts go through your head: How the hell did this happen? Where did this fairy ever get the idea that I was gay? And where did he get those fantastic boots?

It screws with your head at other times, too. Every time a man passes me on the street, I'm afraid he's going to grab me and drag me off to some bathroom to suck my cock. I've even started to visualize these repulsive cock-sucking episodes during the healthy, heterosexual marital relations I enjoy with my wife–even some that haven't actually happened, like the sweaty, post-game locker-room tryst with Vancouver Canucks forward Mark Messier that I can't seem to stop thinking about.

Things could be worse, I suppose. It could be women trying to suck my cock, which would be adultery and would make me feel tremendously guilty. As it is, I'm just angry and sickened. But believe me, that's enough. I don't know what makes these homosexuals mistake me for a guy who wants his cock sucked, and, frankly, I don't want to know. I just wish there were some way to get them to stop.

I've tried all sorts of things to get them to stop, but it has all been to no avail. A few months back, I started wearing an intimidating-looking black leather thong with menacing metal studs in the hopes that it would frighten those faggots off, but it didn't work. In fact, it only seemed to encourage them. Then, I really started getting rough, slapping them around whenever they were sucking my cock, but that failed, too. Even pulling out of their mouths just before ejaculation and shooting sperm all over their face, neck, chest and hair seemed to have no effect. What do I have to do to get the message across to these swishes?

I swear, if these homosexuals don't take a hint and quit sucking my cock all the time, I'm going to have to resort to drastic measures–like maybe pinning them down to the cement floor of the loading dock with my powerful forearms and working my cock all the way up their butt so they understand loud and clear just how much I disapprove of their unwelcome advances. I mean, you can't get much more direct than that.

so i ask a girl "whats your boy friends name"
she states "mark"
i say "knock knock"
her: "whos there"
me: "mark"
her: "mark who"

:put arm around her.. thats right hun:

what do you call a black person flying a plane


a pilot, you racist!!!

The Onion. :upsidedow

Two jews walk into a bar.........







they bought it.

Warsaw, Poland (AP)-A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

lol, that made me laugh.

Does it have to be an original joke?

:1orglaugh:1orglaugh:1orglaugh

Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff ? answer Tequila ! .

I don't get it. :1orglaugh:1orglaugh

No...just the funniest one you know.

There was this webmaster by the name of Overlord . . . oh, you probably already know how this one is going to end.

an old vermont farmer decided to take is new wife into town
he told her to get dolled up, we're going out
they loaded up for the ride and off they went
then the mule buckled, the farmer said, "that's once"
after awhile the mule buckled again, the farmer said, "that's twice"
they continued on to town, the mule once again buckled, so the old farmer pulled out his trusty .357 and shot the mule dead.
the wife said, "why did you do that?"




















the farmer said, "That's once"

horse walks into a bar

bartender says,"why the long face?"

I have two.

The first:

A teamster gets picked to represent his group at a union convention in Las Vegas. While there he decides to get a hooker. He goes to the first whore house and asks the madam, "Is this place a union whore house?" The madam tells him, "no." He asks her, "What percentage of the money do the girls get?" The madam tells him, "They get 20% and the house gets 80%." The guy stomps out.

At the next whore house he asks the same question. "No, this is not a union whore house," The madam tells him. He again asks what percentage of the money the girls get and is told, "50%. We split the money between the house and girls." He thinks this is better, but still not good enough.

At the third whore house he again asks if it is a union shop and is told, "Yes we are 100% union." He says, "Good, what percentage of my money does the girl get?" The madam replies,"The girls get 80% the house only takes 20%." He smiles and says," Good this is my kind of place." The madam leads him into a room full of women. The teamster looks around, points to a super hot blond then says," I guess I'll take her." The madam shakes her head and replies, "I bet you would, but this is a union shop," she points to a 85 year old woman sitting in the corner," Ethel over there has seniority."

the second:

A boy comes home from school and goes up to his dad. He says, "dad I have to write a report about the difference between potential and reality. I don't know what that is. Can you help me?"

The dad thinks for a minute and says, "well that is hard to explain. Instead let's give you an example. Go into the kitchen and ask you mom if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars." The kid looks confused but does as told. He asks his mom the question and she replies, "well, I don't want to cheat on your father, but that is a lot of money. We could put you kids through college and get a new house with it so I think I would."

The kid returns and tells the father her answer. The father then says, "go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars." The kid nods and goes off to his sister's room. Her reply to the question is, "hell yeah I would. . . in a second."

The returns and tells his father her answer. The father then tells him, "now go ask your brother if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars." The boy looks confused but does as he is told. His brother responds to the question by saying, "well, that is a lot of money. I'm not into that, but if I knew for sure nobody would find out I think I would."

The kids returns and tells his father his answer. The father then says, " So here is the difference. Potentially you and I are sitting on 3 million dollars, but in reality we are just living with 2 sluts and a queer."

It has been a while . . . hope I don't screw it up . . .

Tom had moved into his cabin in the hills of Tennessee and after a couple weeks, decided he should go exploring his surroundings.

After crossing the ridge he came upon another cabin, and decided he would introduce himself to his neighbor.

Mountain Man Dan welcomed Tom to his home and they spent an hour or so getting to know each other.

As Tom prepared to leave, Mountain Man Dan invited him to return the following Friday evening.

"It is loads of fun. There will be drinking, and maybe a little fighting and the evening always ends in sex," Dan stated.

"What should I wear?" Tom asked.

"It doesn't matter. It will just be the two of us."

One last short one before I get back to work:

A guy walks into his house with a duck under his arm. He walks over, points at his wife and says, "this is the pig I'm fucking."

The wife says, "that's not a pig, it's a duck."

The husband replies, "I wasn't talking to you."

I like it!

What's the difference between your mom and a 13lb bowling ball?

If I had to, I could eat a bowling ball.

So... a baby seal walks into a club

Why do women get periods?






Cos they deserve them

A hot girl walks into a bar, sits down, and orders 6 Heinekens. She drinks them down, one after another, and passes out on the floor.

6 guys walking by see her, and each decide to fuck her. When its over, she wakes up and goes home.

The next night she enters the bar, sits down, and orders 6 Heinekens. She drinks them down one after another, and passes out on the floor.

The same 6 guys from the night before see her, and each decide to fuck her again. When they are done, she wakes up and goes home.

The next night, she enters the bar, sits down, and orders 6 Budweisers. The bartenders says, "Budweiser, I thought you drank Heineken"? To that, the girl replies, "Well, I used to drink Heineken, but not anymore, it makes my pussy sore".

in light of the union joke...
 

A first year apprentice ran into the local union hall and found the BA
he said "there's two JW's out there blowing each other, what should we do?"
The BA replied, " don't worry about it they're only travelers"
The 1st year said, " how do you know that?"
The BA said laughing, "because if they were local boys they would be fucking each other"

A guy who has been married for 30 years, wins the lotto, 20 million dollars.

He rushes home, swings the door open and says "Honey, pack your bags, I won the lotto"!!!!

The wife says, "Oh honey, that is wonderful, where are we going"???

The husband replies, "I don't care where you go, just get the fuck out"!

Okay one more.

A guy's uncle dies and leaves him his sheep ranch in Montana. The guy has never done any farm work so he decides to sell it. After talking to the neighbors he finds out how much the ranch meant to his uncle and decides instead to keep it and work it. Since he knows nothing he calls up three of his uncles best friends and has them over for dinner so he can ask their advice on how to best work the ranch.

The first friend says," Well, get a good sheep dog and make sure to work with your horse every day to keep it in shape. They will help you herd the sheep easily. Also, when you fuck the sheep, make sure to brace yourself. I like to put the sheep up against a tree so it can't run away."

The guys replies, "that's sick I won't be fucking the sheep." All three friends tell him, "just wait, you'll see."

The second friend then advises him by saying, "when it is time to sheer the sheep, make sure to have plenty of sharp clipper blades so you can work fast and accurately. Also, when you fuck the sheep, make sure to do it before you sheer them so you have something to hold onto."

The guy then says, "dude, I'm not fucking any sheep." All three friends tell him, " Just wait, you'll see."

The last friend's advice is, "Make sure you use good grain. The better fed the sheep are the more wool they will grow. And when fuck the sheep make sure to wear some steel toe boots so they don't stomp on your toes and break them."

The guy says," You guys are fucked up. you have to go." All three reply, " Just wait, you'll see."

A month later the guy is out in the pasture with the sheep. He has been working so hard he hasn't even been to town so it's been over a month since he has even seen a woman. He finally decides to give in and give it shot. He picks out a sheep, puts it up against a tree and starts fucking it. He's pounding away when a truck with all three of his uncle's friends drives up. They stop, get out and point yelling, "dude that's just wrong." and "Man you are sick." The guy says to them, "What? You're the ones that told me how to fuck the sheep." All three friends reply, "yeah, but we didn't say to fuck the ugly ones."

The baby polar bear came up to his mother and asked, "are you sure I am a polar bear?"

"Of course you are. Your father and I are both 100% polar bear, which means you are too. What a silly question."

The baby polar bear then approached his father and asked, "are you sure I am a polar bear?"

The father stated in disgust, " I can't believe you are my offspring. Why would you ask such a stupid question?"

"Because I am fucking freezing!!"

Superman was flying over the city making sure everyone was safe,
while flying over Wonder Woman penthouse he saw her with her eyes closed and in a state of ecstasy and a thought occurred " i can get a quick nut and should would not know what happpened", so he fly down and got a quick one.

Wonder Woman eyes quickily opened and said, "WHAT WAS THAT?"
The Invisible Man relpied, "I don't know but, my ass sure does hurt"

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started. Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..." he sighed,...






"let's put all these Frosties back in the box"

Jesus is walking past his father's carpentry shop.
Father you called?
No I just hit my hand.

ALL these jokes are poo

but i dont know any either:(

Two condoms are walking down the street. As they stop in front of a gay bar, one asked the other "Hey...what do you say we go in and get shitfaced?"

There's this guy from New Zealand fucking a sheep. Just when he's giving it his all, his wife walks into the room. Without a moment's hesitation, he says "That's the pig I fuck when you're not around."

The wife replies, "Honey, I think you'll find that's a sheep."

To which he replies "Sweety, I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men, and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No", the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

Here is a funny one I heard recently..

This married couple goes to a dog show. As they walk in, they see a sign down the hall that says 'best mating dogs of the year' where they are showcasing the best pedigree dogs for mating.

As they walk in the room, they see a small crowd gathered around this one dog on a stand. Below the dog is his name 'Spark - successfully mated 263 times in 2006'. The wife looks at her husband and says 'you know honey, you could learn something from this dog'.

The husband shrugs and they walk towards a bigger crowd. As the approach they see a beautiful well groomed dog on a stand standing proud and strong. Below it was his name 'Rover - successfully mated 310 times in 2006'. Again, the wife looks at the husband and says 'here is another dog you can learn something from dear'. The husband sighs as they hear this really loud crowd at the end of the room.

As they get closer, they see people 'ooohing' and 'wowing' and taking pictures. They get even closer and see this beautiful majestic dog on this big pedestal standing like a true proud champion. Below it, it read 'Rex, successfully mated 365 times in 2006'. Yet again, the wife sarcastically tells her husband 'you know, you should really take lessons from this dog'. Finally the husband snaps back and says 'yeah, but I bet he doesn't have to fuck the same bitch every night'.

:1orglaugh