Ahh i just thought of an old one

Why do woman wear tampons when skydiving?

to stop them from whistling on the way down

A gay dude comes home to find his boyfriend hunched over the toilet, pushing turds around the water with a stick.

"Monroe, what the fuck are you doing???"

"Playing with the kids!"

So this serial killer is dragging an 8yr old into the woods....and the kid is crying and crying.. "no.." ..yelling...sobing....."I'm scared of the woods!.....please....NO"

Finally the serial killer says "YOU YOU YOU...what about me!! I have to walk outta these woods all alone!!!"

A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"

"Both son. God is both."

After awhile the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"

"Both son, both."

"Daddy, does God love children?"

"Yes son, he loves all children."

The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"

Three gay men died, and were cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.

The first man said, ''My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane to scatter his ashes in the sky.''

The second man said, ''My Carl was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake.''

The third man said, ''My Jim was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time.''

Heres one:

Gfy is actually a useful forum for the discussion of industry related issues and is always willing to help the "new guy".

:1orglaugh

A Husband is standing outside a casino in Vegas, he desperatly tries to ask people for money for his wife to be able to take a cab to the hospital because she is going to give birth. A guy stops and says "How do I know you are not just going to gamble with the money" The husband turns to him and says "I already have gambling money"

thats Vegas baby :)

One more..

This married couple is getting ready to go to husband's company halloween party. The wife tells her husband 'honey im not feeling too well, i think you should go without me'. The husband says 'are you sure sweetie, you want me to stay and take care of you?' She says 'no darling, go ahead without me and have a good time, just dont get into any trouble with those office sluts you hear'. 'Of course not' he says, he kisses the wife, puts on his costume and leaves.

A couple of hours later, the wife feels much better after a warm shower and decides to head to the party after all. When she gets there, she sees her husband drunk off his ass, dancing in between two girls, feeling them out, etc. Instead of getting mad, she drinks a few shots and she decides to trick and test her husband and walks up behind him and whispers in his hear 'how would you like to fuck my brains out in the storage room'. He grabs her hand and they go into the dark storage room and get it on.

Later the next morning, husband comes down for breakfast and the wife asks 'so honey, how was the party'. He says 'oh you know, pretty typical, , had a few beers, talked sports and we decided to go to the pool hall and shoot some pool'. Wife says 'you went to the pool hall dressed in your costume? you must have looked so silly dressed with your mask and everything'. Husband says 'no, one of the VP's of the company flew in at the last minute so I gave him mine on my way out..'

ztik is gay!

lol, why is he running?

51 ...

New York City was having a problem with pigeons of epidemic proportions.
The citizens were in an uproar because the pesky pigeons were everywhere.
Shitting on pedestrians, flying through traffic, causing a ruckus.. The citizens were beginning to protest.

The mayor tried everything to get rid of the pesky pigeons, but no matter how hard the officials tried, nothing would get rid of them..

With his hands in the air, on live television, the mayor exclaims, "I'll pay one million dollars to anyone who can rid New York City of these damn pigeons! No questions asked, just come get rid of them."


......


The next day a man walks into the mayors office & says to the mayor,
"So, is it true that you'll pay me one million dollars if I get rid of all your pigeons?" to which the mayor replied, "That's right.. do what ever it takes, just ged rid of them.".

The man replies to the mayor, "You got yourself a deal, but it'll cost you another million dollars if you ask a question."

The man leaves the mayors office & heads to the Brooklyn Bridge.
Upon arrival, he opens his coat & pulls out a box. He opens up the box & out comes a pink pigeon. The man throws the pink pigeon in the air & the pink pigeon begins flying in wide circles around the city..

All of a sudden, all the pigeons all over New York City came to the sky & were following the pink pigeon...


The pink pigeon headed back to the bridge.. all the pigeons followed,,,

Fying in circles in the sky over the bridge, gazillions of pigeons circling around with a pink pigeon in the lead when all of a sudden the pink pigeon nose dived right into the water.. all the other pigeons followed...

The pink pigeon swam all the way to the bottom.. all the other pigeons followed.. Once at the bottom, the pink pigeon turned around & swam out the river.. but all the other pigeons drowned...

The man put the pink pigeon back in his box & headed to the mayors office...

Upon arrival at the mayors office, the man was greeted by the happy mayor who said to him. "Oh my, I am so damn happy.. we tried everything, damn I am so glad you came to help, oh, and as promised, here's your two million dollars..."

Confused, the man says, "I though the deal was for one million dollars?"

The mayor replies, "Oh, yes, but I do have one question...""




























"You wouldn't happen to have a pink nigger in a box, would you?"

spacedog, you made me laff

http://www.shawnadee.com/images/orangecounty.jpg

hahaha

A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?' "
"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!"

Life Before Computers were invented

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 ½ inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!

Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!

Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!

Johnny gets home from school & runs upstairs to go to his room, but sees something going on in his parents room, so he goes into their room.

In his parents room, his mother & father are fucking.. Johnny says, "What're you doing Daddy" & Daddy replies. "We're playing poker, get outta here''..


So Johnny leaves & goes downstairs & finds his sister on the couch fucking her boyfriend.. startled, his sister says "we're playing poker, get the fuck out of here.."


So, Johnny heads to his room...

Later that evening, dad is calling Johnny down for supper, but Johnny didn't come down, so Dad went upstairs to see what's going on..


Dad walks into Johnny's bedroom & finds Johnny jerking off..
He ask's Johnny, "What the hell are you doing?" & Johnny replies, "I'm playing poker dad"..

Dad tells Johnny, "You need a partner to play poker"..

Then Johnny replies back, "Who the hell needs a partner when you got a hand like this"

Ok.. I have two..


This guy is driving down this country road and he sees signs for a fruit stand..
All of a sudden he sees a sign for apples.. $10 each.. and he's amazed.. How the fuck can one apple be $10....

So he pulls over and asks this farmer "why are these apples $10 each?"

Farner replies "Well son, these are scientificly engineered apples, they taste like different fruits!"

So the guy decides he has to have one of these apples..

He takes a bite. "amazing!" he says... "It tastes like a pear!"

He takes another bite. and says "wow, now it tastes like a bananna!"

then to his amazement he sees a sign that says "Apples - $100"

And he asks about those apples... The farmer explains, that those apples were engineered to taste like pussy.. So the customer says he will take one and promptly pays $100.

He takes his first bite and screams out in disgust "This apple tastes like SHIT!"

The farmer says to him, "Oh yeah man, you gotta turn it around!"

Do I win? Hardy Har Har...

I'm too drunk to post the second. so yeah.. The second joke is I can't handle my liquer.. I'm gonna have to go now and crash face first into some thai pussy..

A cop stops his police car when he sees a couple sitting on the curb.
The chap is laying on his side with his pants pulled down, the girl has her finger in his asshole, and she's reaming away with a vengeance.
The cop says, "What the hell is going on here?"
The girl says, "This is my date. When I told him I wouldn't spend the night with him, he started pounding down the booze. Now, he's too drunk to drive me home, so I'm trying to sober him up by making him puke."
The cop says, "That's not gonna make him puke."
She says, "Yeah? Wait till I switch this finger to his mouth."

A teacher asks three students (black, white, mexican) to recite a sentence using the words "liver" and "cheese"

the white kid says in a dorky voice

"my mommy made me a liver and chesse sandwich"

the black kid says with a soul brother tone

"my moms didnt bring home the goverment cheese so my pops punched her in the liver"

the mexican kid says with a vato slang

"these guys were messing wit my sister so I said,


hey LIVER alone CHEESE my sister"

:1orglaugh
:1orglaugh

What's got 8 legs and a black cunt?











The A Team

I almost read all of these, some pretty funny ones here.

Two hunters are out in the woods and all of sudden one of them collapses. And he looks like he?s not breathing and his friend thinks he?s dead.
So he pulls out his cell phone and he calls emergency services and he says to the operator: ?My friend is dead! What can I do??
And the operator says: ?OK, calm down, calm down. I can help you. Um, now first, just make sure he?s dead.?
And then there?s a silence on the phone. And then there?s a shot. Bang!
And then the guy says: ?OK, what next?.

ok here it's mine
 

Bill Gates dies.He is now in front of God and God says:
- Because you were a very important man where do you wanna go: in hell or heaven?
After a while Bill Gates answer:
- Well, I would like if posible to see how is it in both places.
Done, so Bill Gates goes to hell.There, lot's of fun, cool girls dancing, drinks, muzic, etc.
After 2 weeks goes to heaven too.There he saw some angels who were sitting on clouds and singing at harp, in rest kinda boring.
So Bill Gates goes to God and tell him that he would like to go to hell.
After a month God makes him a visit in hell.There he finds Bill Gates burning into a boiler.
Desperate Bill Gates says:
- Goooood look what it's here it doesn't look at all with what i found the first time when i walk in here !!!
And God answers:
- That was just a demo!

They ask Mark Twain:
- How the world would be without any woman.
- Man would be hard to find.

Some good ones in this thread :thumbsup

Why was the the black guy chewing on his fingers?










Because he thought they were Tootsie Rolls

Keep 'em coming...there are a lot of good ones...I don't think there is that magic bullet there yet...I'm sure I will pick it by some time tomorrow.

This thread isn't so much about you winning 100 bucks...it's about me augmententing my already hilarious comedy routine.

Remember: The jokes don't need to be original and multiple submissions are welcome.

i am a pimp ... ;)

Whats the similarity between a gynaecologist and a pizza-delivery boy?

They can both smell it, but they can't eat it...

so this pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his crotch. the bartender asks "what's that?", the pirate says "arrgh, i dont know, but it's drivin' me nuts

So far, I think this is my favorite, so simple.

The potential vs. reality one is great too.

A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time.
She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate.
In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time
to see a doctor. Looking thru the phone book, she came upon a
Chinese sex therapist named Dr. Chang.

When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms and
he said, "Take off all your clothes and you crawl real fass away
from me across the froor."

She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr. Chang said,
"Now...you crawl real fass back to me," and she did.
Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "you haf real bad case of
Ed Zachary disease....worse case I ever see!
That why you haf sex probrem."

The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Ed Zachary Disease was and he replied,

"Ed Zachary Disease....that when your face rook ED-ZACHARY rike your ass!"

Why a Belgium guy always takes a knife when he his driving?
















To cut the corners :P

2 Belgium are sitting in a car before a traffic light.

The passenger says its green.
The driver says a frog.

I know much better ones but then people are saying that i am a racist so i am not doing that only upon request.

one more:
A guy has mechanical problems whit is car on a country road.
If he gets out the car to try to see what is wrong a cow comes next to him.
The cow says "Its the carbarator"
The man things he got crazy and runs to the nearest farm.
I sees the farmer ans explains the story.
The farmer says "was it a red cow whit a white dot above his eye?"
The guy says yes.
The farmer says"Ohhh thats Bessie don't listen to her she does not know anything about cars."

Why are New Yorkers so Depressed?






Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.


:1orglaugh

A young woman in the maternity ward just prior to labor is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth. "I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.

O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.

"No, No boyfriend either."

"Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, the baby is black."

"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."

"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Well thank God for that!"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to bark!"

ok I have 1 joke for everyone.

What is the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?









You can?t here a vitamin :winkwink: