Time for a jokes thread.
 

So sexiest jokes to kick it off with.

Come on guys lighten the place up.

Ha those were good.

So time for some more.

hehehe....
______________________
Whats the hardest part of eating a vegetable?

The wheelchair.
_____________________

A guy stuck on an island is rescued by a fishing vessel due to return home in a few months. After he gets some rest and a good meal the captian shows him around the ship and gives him a job to fill his time. After a week the guy is super horny, so he asks the captian what they do when they need a release.
"I'm glad you asked, mate" the captian said, "Look over there at that barrel. Any time you need a good release, just stick your dick in the hole in the side."
So the guy goes over, sticks his cock in and within minutes, cums. He goes back to the captian and thanks him for the information.
"No problem matey," The captian said, "Use the barrel anytime you need, except of course, on Thursday"
"Why thursday?" The guy asked
"Thursday................" The captian replied, "is your day to be in the barrel."

JOE: "Do you like Seafood?"
MOE: "Yes."
JOE: "Then come home and meet my sister, ... she's got crabs."

hehe ........

Time for some more.

And more still.

Come on guys get posting.

So you want the day off.
Let's take a look at what you are asking for.

There are 365 days per year available for work.

There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have two days off per
week, leaving 251 days available for work.

Since you spend 16 hours a day away from work, you have used up 170
days, leaving only 81 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee breaks, that accounts for 23
days a year leaving 68 days available.

With a 1 hour lunch period each day, you have used up another 46 days,
leaving only 22 days available.

You normally spend 2 days sick per year, this now only leaves you 20
days available.

You get 5 days public holidays a year, so your working time is now
down to 15 days a year.

We generously give you 14 days vacation per year, which leaves only
1 day available for work.

So if you think you are going to that day off, You out of your mind!!!

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled,
"YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE".
He stormed in to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on,
you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating
my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind
of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.
You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you
will massage my feet and hands.
Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The wife replied, "The fuckin' funeral director would be my first guess."

2 lesbians walk into a bar and the bartender says "What will you have?"
The one lesbian replies "I'll have a 16 year old girl"
Bartender answers "Sorry we don't sell minors to lickers"

Ba da dum dum

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this really great new drink. After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar: A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, a shot of lime juice.

The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains. First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue. Next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice.

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue... salty but okay. He drinks the shot of Baileys and holds it in his mouth... smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks... this is okay. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.

1. In one second the sharp lime taste hits...
2. At two seconds the Baileys curdles.....
3. At three seconds the salty, curdled taste and a mucous-like consistency hits
4. At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot.

This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Jesus what the fuck do you call that?" She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job Revenge."

With all the spam we get for penis-enlargement pills you'd think by now someone would have invented a pill to shrink vaginas instead

GIRLS REACTION TO PENIS SIZES

9 INCHES - Oh Shit, pain!!
7 INCHES - Oh, I'm in heaven
6 INCHES - OH PERFECT
5 INCHES - UMMMM OK
4 INCHES - PUSH MORE
3 INCHES - IS THAT IN???
2 INCHES - IDIOT!! JUST USE YOUR TONGUE!

Hahaha nice jokes, thaks! :thumbsup :1orglaugh

hahahaha, funny

Rock on! Perfect boost of humour for Friday. Thx

What Not To Say To A Naked Guy
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. ####, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?

what's the difference between marmalade and jam?

you can't marmalade your cock up a girls asshole

Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
A. Three, if you slice them very thinly.

Q. Why do men get married?
A. So they don't have to hold their stomachs in any more.

Q. What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A. A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom,
and a Jackass to pay for it all.

Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.

Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.

Q. Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
A. So they can find their way back to the house.

Q: Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
A: Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go,
they take your house and car.

I just got this one via e-mail, I hope its not to ignorant. I hate to admit I laughed my ass off, but...........



Hitler commands the SS leader to build him a machine that kills as many jews as possible as fast as possible. The day comes and the SS leader brings Hitler to see the machine. After a brief overview of the machine, Hitler askes to see it in action.
The SS leader gives the command to his troops and they march 3,000 jews through the door of the machine. When its filled, the door is closed and a button is pressed. A light comes on inside for just a second then goes out. The door swings open to reveal the machine is empty, the Jews are gone.
"Amazing!!!!!!" Hitler declares, "Lets see that again!"
So once again, the SS leader gives the command to his troops and they march 3,000 jews through the door of the machine, plus one Itialian. The door is closed and the button is pressed. the light comes on inside for just a second then goes out. The door swings open to reveal the machine is empty once again.
"Wow.......just wow" says Hitler "Thats amazing...........I just have one question: What was the Itialian guy for?"
The SS commander simply said: "The machine works better if you grease it every 6,000 Jews."

:1orglaugh thanks for the laughs :thumbsup

You are most welcome. Been too busy today, will get onto it tomorrow.

Nice one :1orglaugh

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Paul Markham.
Paul Markham WHO?
Exactly.

last one was funny

A man went to the doctors complaining about strange voices coming from his pants. The doctor said "Ignore them, they're talking bollocks!"

Why did God make woman last?
He didn't want someone telling him what to do.

Q: What do you say to a girl with 2 black eyes?

A: Nothing. you already told her twice.

Q: What's the difference between a dirty slut and a refrigerator?

A: The refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.


Q: What tastes good on pie but not on pussy?

A: Crust.


Q: What's the difference between jam and jelly?

A: You can't jelly you're dick down her throat.

:thumbsup

some good ones indeed

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well-known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose."
The woman did as she was told.

"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room
"Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly "Your probrem vewy bad.

You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or
dates."
The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary
Disease?"
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face looks Ed Zachary like your ass!

lol good way to start off the week with a laugh! Some of these are oldies but goodies!

:thumbsup:1orglaugh:1orglaugh:1orglaugh:1orglaugh ... whew, i almost fell outta my chair over this one :1orglaugh:1orglaugh:1orglaugh:1orglaugh:1orglaugh

This just in...... have you heard it??

We all remember the KFC "Hillary Meal"--- two small breasts and two big thighs.

Now, KFC has announced an addition to their chicken dinners. It's called the Obama Cabinet Bucket. It consists of nothing but left wings and assholes.

a freshly in love young couple drives down a lonely highway when the guy has a silly idea ... "dear, if i speed up to 100mph, wud ya strip for me?" "sure darling" she replies and as he puts the pedal to the metal she undresses until she is finally fully nude. the guy is totally aroused and tries to grab her; which causes him to drive the car into the trench; it overturns several times and the girl is thrown out while he ends up stuck in the wreck. "get help" the guy cries ... "where?! and good lord, I AM NAKED!" ... "take one of my shoes to cover your crotch and run back to that garage we just came by" ... she does as told and hurries to the garage ... the service-station attendant stares at her while she slowly catches breath again - then she begs "help my friend to get out!" ... he calmly lowers his eyes on the shoe covering her crotch, spits out and says "sorry ma'am, he's in too deep already"

lil Fritz and lil Erna are harvesting apples ... lil Erna is up on the ladder; Fritz holds the ladder and stares under Ernas skirt when the preacher comes along and sees the young ones. "my son, you are looking straight into hell" the preacher says - "bet your ass father; the devil is at large in my pants already!"

quiz in elementary school ...
Teacher: "what is green and hops?"
Guy: "A FROG!"
T: "yes, correct; but it cudda been a grasshopper too"

T: "what is brown and runs thru the forrest"
G: "A DEER!"
T: "yes, correct; butit cudda been a bear too"

guy (mumbles, swears silently) ... then asks:
"teacher, what goes in hard and comes out soft?"
the teacher slaps him in the face and yells, "NAUGHTY BOY!"
G: "yeah, correct; but it cudda been a chewing gum too!"

What did the dick say to the condom?


Cover me i'm going in.

(an old one lol)