Stripper do's and don'ts! Pretty funny!
 

From t-shirt hell's newsletter.

A lot of people have written in to tell me that they have noticed a
dramatic
improvement in the overall quality of service in restaurants across the
country since my article about waiters was published several weeks back.
I decided that as a humanitarian if I could help with that problem, I owed
it America to take on an even more important issue: bad strippers.

Ladies, I am your dream client. I spend enormous sums of money on lap
dances; I trim my nails before I start groping; and I have generally
showered in the last week. Now admittedly, some strippers find it
disconcerting after successfully waking the giant in my pants, that they
are suddenly scraping their heads on the ceiling. But this is a minor
inconvenience. So here are some quick dos and don'ts.

Do: Warm up that ass. There's no quicker way to ruin the mood than
when you grind on my lap with what is essentially a well shaped block of ice.

Do: Wash off that glitter already. Nobody cares if your body is
sparkling, anymore than we care about your sparkling personality. The stench of
your perfume can be explained away by that queer guy in the carpool with all
of the gel in his hair: but a lap full of glitter is a different story.

Do: Check those implants regularly. Silicone implants have a tendency
to harden after a while, and when you repeatedly whack a person in the head
with those cement melons it can lead to Parkinson's disease. Just like
it did for Michael J. Fox.

Do: Take the night off if you're bleeding. A g-string is good. A
tampon string...not so much.

Do not: Add an additional charge for the hand job. When you get a lap
dance from a reputable stripper, it's understood that a hand job is
included. There should not be an additional charge for this. I went
through the trouble of cutting the lining out of my pockets, it's really
the least you can do. Putting your knee in my crotch is not the answer. It
is as a direct result of years of women kneeing me in the crotch that I
have ended up at the strip club in the first place.

But I am a reasonable man. If someone wants to shit on your head, that
should be extra. If they want to stick their foot up your ass, this
should also cost more, even if they remove their shoes.

Do not: Talk about your boyfriend, your five kids, or your irritable
bowel syndrome. These subjects are not sexy. If you can't tell me about the
tickle fight in the dressing room, you should probably just stick to the
fake moaning.

Do not: Get any more bad tattoos or unnecessary piercings. Your
hahahaha shouldn't look like a pincushion, and that crude tiger doesn't
hide the track marks on your arm any more than that crooked
tribal hides those stretch marks across your ass.

Male strippers don't have any hang ups. They let those horny,
middle aged women do whatever they want. They fuck those old
cows in the middle of the stage and spray their spunk into the crowd
like human firehoses. I actually worked as a male stripper briefly
but the other male strippers were too intimidated. (and not solely
by my ability to bust a move.)

I hope this article has been helpful to all of you strippers. I know
your job can be a grind, and it should be. I'm just happy that I
can help. That's what I'm all about: helping people.

:1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh :thumbsup Very funny

Nice! lol

Very funny indeed.

:1orglaugh :thumbsup

that's funny...it's sooooo true...words to live by..:1orglaugh

:1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh

I agree!! Man I hate it when a stripper starts telling me about her kids. Ugh!

All I keep thinking is "How can these girls judge me for being here when they've got kids at home who haven't seen their mom after 6pm in months."

Yeah I am thinking of printing this up, making a few hundred copies and hand them out to girls before I get a dance!

We can nail them to the door like Martin Luther! :1orglaugh

:1orglaugh I've seen a stripper on stage with her tampon string hanging out... it was nasty.

Well Said!

Do you know what that was for?

I bet her crabs were bungee jumping!

Funny stuff, I got to remember that

Implants are saline. Saline. Not Silicone. Saline. That's salt water. Neither harden with time. That's an effect called "encapsulation" which can be avoided, typically, by following your doctor's advice to regularly massage your new tits no matter how much it hurts.

Anyone whose ever been to the strip club with you knows that article very well applies ;)

Silicone is still used for implants.

:1orglaugh

:1orglaugh great stuff!

Very rarely. They are still not on the general market and, last I heard, in the States you needed to be part of a study to get them or it had to a medical necessity (not sure what kind).

As I understand it, once you've had implants you can get them for your replacements without a problem.

Of course I don't know nearly as many strippers as MikeAI does ;)

hehe :1orglaugh

hehe nice one

I think this is true. However, my wife has had hers for close to 7 years and when she got them done silicon was not allowed. I don't think you're going to run into too many silicon boob jobs. Perhaps Dolly Parton.

At this point I know very few people who don't have silicone. I guess that's what comes of knowing pornstars and strippers lol ;)

:1orglaugh

Oh I love it, I'm going to have to pass that one along to the hubby

:1orglaugh This is one info the strippers will be thankful about.

:thumbsup

:1orglaugh Good one

...and those were the most important words ever spoken....:) :thumbsup

Mike you the man :thumbsup

Watch out Florida, here we come, lol

They all have them in, everyone.

It is common practice.

It gets fucked up when they forget to take them out at night before bed. Had an interesting experience with this last week.

-dd

:1orglaugh Good Shit

good shit. :1orglaugh

i guess there is more strippers amongst us than we had realized - good article!

Hookers give handjobs; strippers tease and/or grind. Many hookers work in strip clubs and also strip to supplement their income, but real strippers don't hook.

ditto

say what?

Somebody thinks alot of themself...

I will have to agree you are confused about the difference between strippers and Hookers. If you want a prostitute then why try to fool yourself into thinking your all that by going to a strip club and just hit your local street corner like all the other losers that can't seem to get laid or hell even a hand job without money being involved.
As for being the dream client......lol...... Geez you would be the first person to come in and pretend to have tons of money and brag about how great you are and how we could better do our jobs. Cause I don't see that from at least 3 or 4 guys a night. You also sound quite desirable being you trim your nails and shower I mean really who doesn't want a guy who gets off by going to 2nd base with a stripper. I mean really what grade are you in now? Maybe someday you will get a gf that will let you see her naked and you can touch all the little things you dream about. Well maybe... Then you start yapping about male strippers so maybe all this rude disrespectful talk to all the girls in this forum that have or still do make their living stripping is just a diversion of the fact that you like playing with the boys in their clubs and secretly wish you could be a male stripper and frolic around with them every night. It's a nice dream but I highly doubt your male strip clubs are just a sex club full of orgies but it's a nice gay erotic fantasy you got going so I hope you work that out someday.

:1orglaugh :1orglaugh