51 ...

New York City was having a problem with pigeons of epidemic proportions.
The citizens were in an uproar because the pesky pigeons were everywhere.
Shitting on pedestrians, flying through traffic, causing a ruckus.. The citizens were beginning to protest.

The mayor tried everything to get rid of the pesky pigeons, but no matter how hard the officials tried, nothing would get rid of them..

With his hands in the air, on live television, the mayor exclaims, "I'll pay one million dollars to anyone who can rid New York City of these damn pigeons! No questions asked, just come get rid of them."


......


The next day a man walks into the mayors office & says to the mayor,
"So, is it true that you'll pay me one million dollars if I get rid of all your pigeons?" to which the mayor replied, "That's right.. do what ever it takes, just ged rid of them.".

The man replies to the mayor, "You got yourself a deal, but it'll cost you another million dollars if you ask a question."

The man leaves the mayors office & heads to the Brooklyn Bridge.
Upon arrival, he opens his coat & pulls out a box. He opens up the box & out comes a pink pigeon. The man throws the pink pigeon in the air & the pink pigeon begins flying in wide circles around the city..

All of a sudden, all the pigeons all over New York City came to the sky & were following the pink pigeon...


The pink pigeon headed back to the bridge.. all the pigeons followed,,,

Fying in circles in the sky over the bridge, gazillions of pigeons circling around with a pink pigeon in the lead when all of a sudden the pink pigeon nose dived right into the water.. all the other pigeons followed...

The pink pigeon swam all the way to the bottom.. all the other pigeons followed.. Once at the bottom, the pink pigeon turned around & swam out the river.. but all the other pigeons drowned...

The man put the pink pigeon back in his box & headed to the mayors office...

Upon arrival at the mayors office, the man was greeted by the happy mayor who said to him. "Oh my, I am so damn happy.. we tried everything, damn I am so glad you came to help, oh, and as promised, here's your two million dollars..."

Confused, the man says, "I though the deal was for one million dollars?"

The mayor replies, "Oh, yes, but I do have one question...""




























"You wouldn't happen to have a pink nigger in a box, would you?"

spacedog, you made me laff

http://www.shawnadee.com/images/orangecounty.jpg

hahaha

A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?' "
"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!"

Life Before Computers were invented

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 ½ inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!

Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!

Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!

Johnny gets home from school & runs upstairs to go to his room, but sees something going on in his parents room, so he goes into their room.

In his parents room, his mother & father are fucking.. Johnny says, "What're you doing Daddy" & Daddy replies. "We're playing poker, get outta here''..


So Johnny leaves & goes downstairs & finds his sister on the couch fucking her boyfriend.. startled, his sister says "we're playing poker, get the fuck out of here.."


So, Johnny heads to his room...

Later that evening, dad is calling Johnny down for supper, but Johnny didn't come down, so Dad went upstairs to see what's going on..


Dad walks into Johnny's bedroom & finds Johnny jerking off..
He ask's Johnny, "What the hell are you doing?" & Johnny replies, "I'm playing poker dad"..

Dad tells Johnny, "You need a partner to play poker"..

Then Johnny replies back, "Who the hell needs a partner when you got a hand like this"

Ok.. I have two..


This guy is driving down this country road and he sees signs for a fruit stand..
All of a sudden he sees a sign for apples.. $10 each.. and he's amazed.. How the fuck can one apple be $10....

So he pulls over and asks this farmer "why are these apples $10 each?"

Farner replies "Well son, these are scientificly engineered apples, they taste like different fruits!"

So the guy decides he has to have one of these apples..

He takes a bite. "amazing!" he says... "It tastes like a pear!"

He takes another bite. and says "wow, now it tastes like a bananna!"

then to his amazement he sees a sign that says "Apples - $100"

And he asks about those apples... The farmer explains, that those apples were engineered to taste like pussy.. So the customer says he will take one and promptly pays $100.

He takes his first bite and screams out in disgust "This apple tastes like SHIT!"

The farmer says to him, "Oh yeah man, you gotta turn it around!"

Do I win? Hardy Har Har...

I'm too drunk to post the second. so yeah.. The second joke is I can't handle my liquer.. I'm gonna have to go now and crash face first into some thai pussy..

A cop stops his police car when he sees a couple sitting on the curb.
The chap is laying on his side with his pants pulled down, the girl has her finger in his asshole, and she's reaming away with a vengeance.
The cop says, "What the hell is going on here?"
The girl says, "This is my date. When I told him I wouldn't spend the night with him, he started pounding down the booze. Now, he's too drunk to drive me home, so I'm trying to sober him up by making him puke."
The cop says, "That's not gonna make him puke."
She says, "Yeah? Wait till I switch this finger to his mouth."

A teacher asks three students (black, white, mexican) to recite a sentence using the words "liver" and "cheese"

the white kid says in a dorky voice

"my mommy made me a liver and chesse sandwich"

the black kid says with a soul brother tone

"my moms didnt bring home the goverment cheese so my pops punched her in the liver"

the mexican kid says with a vato slang

"these guys were messing wit my sister so I said,


hey LIVER alone CHEESE my sister"

:1orglaugh
:1orglaugh

What's got 8 legs and a black cunt?











The A Team

I almost read all of these, some pretty funny ones here.

Two hunters are out in the woods and all of sudden one of them collapses. And he looks like he?s not breathing and his friend thinks he?s dead.
So he pulls out his cell phone and he calls emergency services and he says to the operator: ?My friend is dead! What can I do??
And the operator says: ?OK, calm down, calm down. I can help you. Um, now first, just make sure he?s dead.?
And then there?s a silence on the phone. And then there?s a shot. Bang!
And then the guy says: ?OK, what next?.

ok here it's mine
 

Bill Gates dies.He is now in front of God and God says:
- Because you were a very important man where do you wanna go: in hell or heaven?
After a while Bill Gates answer:
- Well, I would like if posible to see how is it in both places.
Done, so Bill Gates goes to hell.There, lot's of fun, cool girls dancing, drinks, muzic, etc.
After 2 weeks goes to heaven too.There he saw some angels who were sitting on clouds and singing at harp, in rest kinda boring.
So Bill Gates goes to God and tell him that he would like to go to hell.
After a month God makes him a visit in hell.There he finds Bill Gates burning into a boiler.
Desperate Bill Gates says:
- Goooood look what it's here it doesn't look at all with what i found the first time when i walk in here !!!
And God answers:
- That was just a demo!

They ask Mark Twain:
- How the world would be without any woman.
- Man would be hard to find.

Some good ones in this thread :thumbsup

Why was the the black guy chewing on his fingers?










Because he thought they were Tootsie Rolls

Keep 'em coming...there are a lot of good ones...I don't think there is that magic bullet there yet...I'm sure I will pick it by some time tomorrow.

This thread isn't so much about you winning 100 bucks...it's about me augmententing my already hilarious comedy routine.

Remember: The jokes don't need to be original and multiple submissions are welcome.

i am a pimp ... ;)

Whats the similarity between a gynaecologist and a pizza-delivery boy?

They can both smell it, but they can't eat it...

so this pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his crotch. the bartender asks "what's that?", the pirate says "arrgh, i dont know, but it's drivin' me nuts

So far, I think this is my favorite, so simple.

The potential vs. reality one is great too.

A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time.
She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate.
In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time
to see a doctor. Looking thru the phone book, she came upon a
Chinese sex therapist named Dr. Chang.

When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms and
he said, "Take off all your clothes and you crawl real fass away
from me across the froor."

She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr. Chang said,
"Now...you crawl real fass back to me," and she did.
Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "you haf real bad case of
Ed Zachary disease....worse case I ever see!
That why you haf sex probrem."

The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Ed Zachary Disease was and he replied,

"Ed Zachary Disease....that when your face rook ED-ZACHARY rike your ass!"

Why a Belgium guy always takes a knife when he his driving?
















To cut the corners :P

2 Belgium are sitting in a car before a traffic light.

The passenger says its green.
The driver says a frog.

I know much better ones but then people are saying that i am a racist so i am not doing that only upon request.

one more:
A guy has mechanical problems whit is car on a country road.
If he gets out the car to try to see what is wrong a cow comes next to him.
The cow says "Its the carbarator"
The man things he got crazy and runs to the nearest farm.
I sees the farmer ans explains the story.
The farmer says "was it a red cow whit a white dot above his eye?"
The guy says yes.
The farmer says"Ohhh thats Bessie don't listen to her she does not know anything about cars."

Why are New Yorkers so Depressed?






Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.


:1orglaugh

A young woman in the maternity ward just prior to labor is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth. "I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.

O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.

"No, No boyfriend either."

"Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, the baby is black."

"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."

"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Well thank God for that!"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to bark!"

ok I have 1 joke for everyone.

What is the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?









You can?t here a vitamin :winkwink:

@internext 05 I told some guy who was annoying me that i wished he had been vacationing on a beach in sri lanka a week ago.

A bear and a rabbit were laying cable in the woods when the bear turns to the rabbit and says "do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit looks up confidently and says "no"

So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his arse with it.

How did the chinese broke the Pentagon site??















Every chinese tryed one password :1orglaugh

A guy dies and goes to hell. A demon meets him at the door, and
tells him that he gets to choose his eternal punishment. They go to
a large room where people are hanging by their hands into a pool of
lava. They all are in agony and pain. The guys says "Pass!".

They go to the second room. Here, people are chained to big rocks, and
wave after wave of cold saltwater lash into them minute after
minute. Clearly they are suffering too.

The man wants to see the third room. In it, people are standing up
to their necks in a big pool of manure, drinking coffee. The man
thinks "Hey, that's not so bad, compared to what I saw" so he grabs a
coffee cup, jumps in and has his coffee. (The coffee isn't bad, either.)

Fifteen minutes later, the overseer gets up from his coffee, comes to the edge of the pool, and says "Ok everyone. Coffee break is over. Back on your hands!"

An armless man in a long jacket walks into a bathroom and stands by a urinal...

Soon seeing he needs help to use the toilet he asks a closeby man, " Can you help me point my penis" ?

The man reluctantly accepted but, decided not to look at the mans penis. After a few seconds of holding it he thinks, " Hey! I'm grabbing it right"? " So I should look, I have a right"!

He looks down at the mans member and sees that is beyond hidious. Startled he jumps back and lets go, asking. " What the hell is wrong with it ?"

The "armless" man pulls his arms out of his jacket and says "I dunno, but, I ain't touchin' it." and walks away.

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.

"Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"

The little rascals were sitting in English class one day.

The teacher (Mrs. Crabtree) asks for someone to spell the word LOVE.

Alphalpha anxiously raises his hand and the teacher calls on him.

He says, "L-O-V-E."

"Very good," says Mrs. Crabtree, "now use it in a sentence."

"I LOVE Darla," says Alphalpha

"Very good, now someone spell REALLY"

Spanky then raises his hand and calls out "R-E-A-L-L-Y."

Again Mrs. Crabtree asks to use that word in a sentence Spanky says, "I REALLY love Darla"

"OK" says Mrs. Crabtree, "now someone spell DICTATE."

She calls on Buckwheat and he replys "D-I-C-T-A-T-E."

"Excellant, now use it in a sentence"

Buckwheat says "Otay. Hey Darla, How did my Dic tate?"

There was a man who had had a headache for twenty years and was at the point where he wanted to end his own life, but he decided to go to a specialist first.

No doctor could solve his problem, until finally one of them said "You have a very rare problem, your testicles are pressed up against your spine causing your headache. The only way to remedy it is to remove your testicles."

The man hesitantly agrees and gets them removed.

On his way home he walks past a taylor shop with a sign saying "ALL SUITS HALF PRICE"

Being in need of a new suit he walks in where a man greets him and says "Hello Sir I see you want a suit, I would say that you are a 34 sleeve and a 24 pant."

"Wow! How did you know that?" said the man.

"Why Sir I've been in this business for 40 years. Would you like shoes to go with that?"

"Sure" says the man. "Okay I'd say that you're a size 10 wide."

"Ok, now you're freaking me out...Thats a great talent" says the man.

"Thanks" replied the shopkeeper, "Now how about some undergarments?"

"Ok see if you can guess my size", said the man.

"Easy 36" said the shopkeeper.

"Nope 34" replied the man.

To which the shopkeeper exclaimed "Impossible a size 34 would skwish your testicles against your spine and you'de get a headache".

Way back in the time of the samurai, there was a powerful emperor. This emperor needed a new head samurai. So, he sent out a message to everybody he knew for them to send a message to who they knew, and so forth.

A year passes, and only three people show up: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asks the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Japanese samurai opens up a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces! The emperor says, "That is very impressive!"

Then the emperor asks the Chinese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Chinese samurai opens up a matchbox and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOSH. WOOOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces! The emperor says, "That is really impressive!"

Then the emperor asks the Jewish samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Jewish samurai thinks, "If it works for the other two..." So the Jewish samurai walks in, opens a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHH. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still buzzing around. The emperor says in disappointment, "Why is the fly not dead?"

And the Jewish samurai replies, "If you look closely, you'll see that the fly has been circumcised."

So a guy comes home from work one day and he finds all his wife with a suitcase in the driveway.

"Hey baby what's going on here?"

"I'm leaving you, I can't take it anymore."

"Why, what's wrong?"

"You are a disgusting pedophile, and I have to go."

Then as she climbed on her bike and rode away, he thought............







Pedophile is an awful big word for a 10 year old to use

http://www.thehumorarchives.com/atta...indreading.jpg

hotlinken.....

A grumpy old man walks into a local First Baptist Church and says to the secretary, "I wanna join this damn church."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, dammit. I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church." The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There IS no damn problem!," the man says. "Looky here, I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money."

"I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President George W. Bush."

The Marine replied, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer President and doesn't reside here."
The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President George W. Bush".

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer President and doesn't reside here."
The man thanked him and again walked away . . .

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President George W. Bush."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already several times that Mr. Bush is not the President anymore and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"

The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine, I just love hearing your answer!"
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow"

The Day of Judgement has arrived. Major disasters everywhere: flood, fire, disease.
St. Peter has been at the Gates of Heaven for three straight days, asking the millions of victims some very basic questions.
Jesus comes along and sees that Peter is much too tired to continue.

"Pete, take a break and I'll do this for a while".
So Jesus takes over and asks each potential resident their name, occupation, and number of children, where applicable.

After a time, an old, feeble man appears before him.
"Your name sir?" asks Jesus
"I don't know" replies the man.
"Occupation?"
Again the old man replies that he doesn't recall.
"Number of children?"
"No clue" says the man.

Somewhat exasperated, Jesus starts anew. "Your name really isn't that important. However, your occupation is. Please concentrate sir; what did you do for a living, how did you gain your livelihood?"
The old man, lost in thought, slowly starts to piece it together.
"Well," he says "I can recall working with my hands a lot. In fact, looking at the splinters in my palms, I'd have to say that I was a carpenter."
"Excellent and honorable occupation sir. Well done! Now for the next step: How many, if any, children did you have?"
Once again the old man furrows his brow and tries desperately to remember.
After a long while he says "I'm almost sure I had one child and since I can't remember any dresses or dolls, I'm sure the child was a boy.
And one more thing, this boy of mine was ostracized because he had holes in his hands, his feet, and his sides".

Finally piecing the story together, Jesus jumps to his feet, the ultimate realization of who he has encountered striking him like a bolt of lightning.

With tears in his eyes, he yells "Father!!"
The old man, equally moved, rises and screams "Pinocchio!!"

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

It was near the end of basic training and all the soldiers were getting ready for the war.
A private came charging into his Lieutenant's office and said " Lieutenant, we don't have enough rifles. What am I going to use for the war?"

"I don't have time to deal with this right now" the lieutenant thought.

He grabbed a broom, sawed off the bottom, and handed it to the solder. "Here use this instead."

"How is this going to work?"

"When you see the bad guys coming at you, just point it at them and say 'Bangity Bang Bang, Bang Bang'".

So the private ran out with his new "rifle". But soon he came running back to the Lieutenant saying "Lieutenant, we don't have enough bayonets!"

The Lieutenant grabbed a piece of string off of his desk and gave it the private. "When you see the bad guys coming just throw this at them and say 'Stabity Stab Stab, Stab Stab.'"

So the private was all ready for his war. He was sitting in a fox hole, hating being out there, when he saw an enemy creeping along the top of a nearby hill.

He grabbed his broom, pointed it at the bad guy and said "Bangity Bang Bang, Bang Bang Bangity Bang Bang, Bang Bang" and he fell down dead.

"Wow this really works" thought the private. He started going through the underbrush when another enemy jumped out and try to gut him - he threw his string at him and said, 'Stabbity Stab Stab, Stab Stab!'. The enemy fell down, dead.

Pretty soon, he saw another guy rampaging through the woods. He pointed his broomstick at him and yelled, 'Bangity Bang Bang, Bang Bang!' Nothing, so he did it again, 'Bangity Bang Bang, Bang Bang!' The guy was running at him now. He threw the string, Stabbit Stab Stab StabStab!' The enemy kept running at him and plowed him over, mortally wounding him.

Then he heard the big guy mumbling as he went past him "Tankity Tank Tank Tank Tank Tankity Tank Tank Tank Tank."

Hazel was a 93-year-old woman, particularly despondent over the death of her husband, Earl.
She decided she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and
made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden someone, she called
her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.

The doctor told her, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night Hazel was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.

"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"

"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole in one when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up finishing all eighteen. He finished his round shooting a personal best 61 shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10.

He was jubilant, then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! Its just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor started to snicker and said, "Just kidding! She died more than two hours ago. What'd you shoot?"

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend.
They make love for hours and, afterwards, while they're just lying there, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:
"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful.... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."