Donny and all other bible thumpers...come on in.

[Z]

I just read Donny's "my model's losing her scholarship because she shot for me" thread and it really torqued me. I've been around working girls of all kinds since I was 16 and taking responsibility for anything they do, say or even think is the fastest and surest way to bury yourself in guilt and drama. Donny and anybody else in this business should know that the first rule of working with girls is that it's damn sure not their fault...whatever the fuck it is. So in their minds, that makes it your fault. Are you actually buying into that bullshit? Encouraging people not to accept personal responsibility is the catalyst for the erosion of modern culture and you're doing nothing but enabling it.

I wrote the first draft of this for bible class when I was crammed into a private, Seventh Day Adventist high school by my good-intentioned parents. I've revised it a few times and it's been posted all over the web, including a write-up on ConsumptionJunction and a few other sites.

I intend it as a thought provoking, not so subtle fuck you for the religious right and their peons who mindlessly follow the flock while the manipulative string pullers use their every misdeed or awry thought to torture them. These hypocrisies are just a taste of the eyeball crossing nonsense the bible spouts with un-checked aggression towards any who dare to ask questions.

So, Donny and your "supporters"...answer me this -

I need some advice from you regarding some other specific Biblical laws and how to follow them.

a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness (Lev.15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense. If I come into contact with a woman who is menstruating and she doesn't tell me until afterwards, must I kill her immediately or can I just beat her?

d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself? Also, is Sabbath on Saturday as Seventh Day Adventists (Christians, like us...or are they?) or is it on Sunday as Baptists and some other faiths agree? I am beset by not knowing who to kill and when to kill them...please clarify this for me.

f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality (Lev. 18:22). I don't agree. I'm also confused about how homosexuality can be an abomination when Jonathan and David were married in the Bible (1 Samuel 18:1, 3 - 4). Here, I'll quote it - "And it came to pass, when he had made an end of speaking unto Saul that the soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David and Jonathan loved him as his own soul. Then Jonathan and David made a covenant, because he loved him as his own soul. And Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was upon him, and gave it to David, and his garments, even to his sword and to his bow and to his girdle." and also Ruth's relationship with Naomi is suspect, (Ruth 1:16-17) "And Ruth said to Naomi, Entreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee: for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God: Where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried: the Lord do so to me, and more also, if ought but death part three and me." Can you settle this?

g) Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27 and even though 1st Cor. 11:4-6 says that it is a shame upon a man to have long hair. How should they die?

i) I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves? Also, since it is strictly forbidden to "eat neither fat nor blood" in Lev. 3:17 & Lev. 19:26, does that mean that I must be a vegetarian and must I smite those who choose to eat meat?

j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them (Lev.24:10-16)? Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws (Lev. 20:14)?

k) I know that it is an abomination for a man to wear a woman's clothes or a woman to wear a man's (Deut. 22:5), so does that mean that since my wife borrowed my boxers once, she's going to hell?

l) An unbeliever sent me an email telling me that God is an ABORTIONIST? It says, "In Num. 5:11-31, God commands a husband to get an abortion for his wife if he suspects she has been impregnated by another man. A priest is to make her drink a potion and tell her, "If any man other than your husband has had intercourse with you, may the LORD make an example of you . . . by bringing upon you miscarriage and untimely birth."

To deliberately cause a miscarriage is to perform an abortion. And who brings about this miscarriage? Who performs this abortion? It is the LORD who does so? God is an abortionist?

In Ex. 21:22-25, God tells us what to do if a man who is fighting knocks against a pregnant woman. If the woman dies, the principle of "life for life" is invoked and the man responsible for her death must be killed. If she lives but has a miscarriage, then the death of the fetus is to be compensated for by the payment of a fine, as demanded by the woman's husband. Thus, God has revealed the status of the unborn fetus: it is not an independent, full-fledged human life, whose destruction amounts to murder. It is a thing owned by the woman's husband, a thing whose loss, like that of any other thing, may be compensated for with money." How can this be true?

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging and also for the reassurance that the Bible is infallible.

[BusterBunny]

i'm just here to tear out a page to roll a spliff with......carry on

[Sosa]

oh sweet jebus, click my sig and make mad money!

[Ycaza]

bravo my brother

[xxxjay]

see www.loljesus.com

[aico]

And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.

[VoteForPedro]

Interesting read there.

[Z]

Originally Posted by aico

And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.

Hahahahaaa...

[Rochard]

Originally Posted by Z

d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

I need an answer to this. I always wanted to own my own Canadian!

[DateDoc]

So i cannot own a Canadian but a Canadian can own an American?

[Splum]

Not that I am deeply religious but I think you are quoting scriptures from the Old Testament, which most Christian take with a grain of salt. Now if the Jews actually believe that stuff so I think your post is for them not for Donny-like Christians.

[Rochard]

Originally Posted by Splum

Not that I am deeply religious but I think you are quoting scriptures from the Old Testament, which most Christian take with a grain of salt. Now if the Jews actually believe that stuff so I think your post is for them not for Donny-like Christians.

Now I'm really confused. You mean to tell me there is two parts of the bible? One is accepted as being written in stone and the other is not really true?

How is this possible?

[Yngwie]

Originally Posted by Rochard

I need an answer to this. I always wanted to own my own Canadian!

$4000 a month an I'll let you buy me lol

[DaddyHalbucks]

I wish Donny would just go away and let us be in peace.

[LiveDose]

Jesus Jesus Jesus. PUSSY PUSSY PUSSY. Jesus Jesus Jesus. PUSSY PUSSY PUSSY. Jesus Jesus Jesus. PUSSY PUSSY PUSSY. Jesus Jesus Jesus. PUSSY PUSSY PUSSY. Jesus Jesus Jesus. PUSSY PUSSY PUSSY. Jesus Jesus Jesus. PUSSY PUSSY PUSSY. Jesus Jesus Jesus. PUSSY PUSSY PUSSY. Jesus Jesus Jesus. PUSSY PUSSY PUSSY. Jesus Jesus Jesus. PUSSY PUSSY PUSSY. Jesus Jesus Jesus. PUSSY PUSSY PUSSY. Jesus Jesus Jesus. PUSSY PUSSY PUSSY. Jesus Jesus Jesus. PUSSY PUSSY PUSSY.

[WarChild]

Originally Posted by Rochard

Now I'm really confused. You mean to tell me there is two parts of the bible? One is accepted as being written in stone and the other is not really true?

How is this possible?

New publisher.

[sweetums]

Originally Posted by Rochard

I need an answer to this. I always wanted to own my own Canadian!

I love you, but you know you can't afford me LOL

[Rochard]

Originally Posted by sweetums

I love you, but you know you can't afford me LOL

This might be true, however, it's good to have a goal to work towards.

My car needs washing. The hose, rags, and high heels are in the garage. Let me know when your done.

[notabook]

Originally Posted by LiveDose

Jesus Jesus Jesus. PUSSY PUSSY PUSSY. Jesus Jesus Jesus. PUSSY PUSSY PUSSY. Jesus Jesus Jesus. PUSSY PUSSY PUSSY. Jesus Jesus Jesus. PUSSY PUSSY PUSSY. Jesus Jesus Jesus. PUSSY PUSSY PUSSY. Jesus Jesus Jesus. PUSSY PUSSY PUSSY. Jesus Jesus Jesus. PUSSY PUSSY PUSSY. Jesus Jesus Jesus. PUSSY PUSSY PUSSY. Jesus Jesus Jesus. PUSSY PUSSY PUSSY. Jesus Jesus Jesus. PUSSY PUSSY PUSSY. Jesus Jesus Jesus. PUSSY PUSSY PUSSY. Jesus Jesus Jesus. PUSSY PUSSY PUSSY.

Triple the Jesus, triple the Pussy, available now only at the Unified Christian Alliance? SWEET DEAL!

[bareskin]

omfg this thread is cracking me up

[HighSociety]

C is a tuff one

[Z]

Originally Posted by Splum

Not that I am deeply religious but I think you are quoting scriptures from the Old Testament, which most Christian take with a grain of salt. Now if the Jews actually believe that stuff so I think your post is for them not for Donny-like Christians.

Another friend hit me up on IM and asked this same question, here's the answer.

The old testament is easier to pick on because it was written in a more forthright, "this is how it is, do what we say" time. The new testament is a collection of letters supposedly written by various disciples of Christ and other "luminaries". Though many were "written" hundreds of years after those people died or were "collected" by scribes and monks then for later inclusion in what would become the bible by the popular vote at the Council of Nicaea. Of course, that leaves the screaming question of what got left out or edited to be left in. I'd encourage you to check out the Gnostic bible, "The Bible Tells Me So", and several other books for that answer.

Modern day, quasi liberal (by fundamentalist standards) Christians consider the old testament more of an inconvenience than anything else, a reminder of a much less PC time. They're happy to use it when they need a good "fire and brimstone" punchline or "honor thy father and mother" commandment for Junior when he's no longer buying into Dad's bullshit. But they shy away from it when they're telling "God Loves You" stories in Sunday school because it's a bit hard to say "Thou shalt not kill" with all the slaughter and genocide in God's name so eloquently laid out in the old testament.

What it comes down to is that Christianity in all it's varieties preys on the weak minded and weak willed. It allows a complete exclusion of personal responsibility and consequences for your actions by "laying your sins on Jesus".

At one point, I really respected Donny. Unfortunately, he fell on hard times and they found him during them. Now he's trying desperately to convince himself that he's on the right path. Good luck to him in his search. But that doesn't mean he needs to come back here and try to recruit more sheep. If he insists on trying, he should expect somebody to come out and call him on his bullshit.

[Splum]

Originally Posted by Z

At one point, I really respected Donny. Unfortunately, he fell on hard times and they found him during them. Now he's trying desperately to convince himself that he's on the right path. Good luck to him in his search. But that doesn't mean he needs to come back here and try to recruit more sheep. If he insists on trying, he should expect somebody to come out and call him on his bullshit.

And I think the same would apply to you with your agenda?

[Z]

Originally Posted by sweetums

I love you, but you know you can't afford me LOL

If we could have Canadians as slaves, I'd have you and SexyScribe in collars in the bedroom and Shaft in the pool house to take care of the "needs" of the rest of the staff and as my back up cock for those nights I'm just not in the mood.

Mario would be the guard at the gate and the enforcer for collecting debts, Dwreck would manage the harem and keep the business rolling.

Damn, I'm liking this idea.

[Z]

Originally Posted by Splum

And I think the same would apply to you with your agenda?

If pointing out the hypocrisies of the world's most manipulative religion to force the hand of a pornographer gone soft is an agenda, then I guess you've got me.


P.S. I have to edit "world's most manipulative" to say, "western world's most manipulative". Abortion clinic bombers aside, Christians aren't strapping 12 year olds with dynamite vests. So...I have to give them some credit. Though, I will say that missionaries banging on my door and waking me up at 8am on a Saturday to ask me if I want to hear the "good news" is close to that bad.

[reynold]

lol Thread of the day!!

[Matt 26z]

It's not too difficult to shoot down every last one of these points. Many became invalid after Jesus and some of the others are not even religious at all. Just because something is in the Bible doesn't mean it's the direct word of God either. Much of the Bible is actually a written historical record of life back then, and as such many local laws are quoted that have nothing to do with religion. It was the church who chose which scripts (out of hundreds) contained important religious points, and those became the Bible we know today. They were not edited to include religious teachings only.

[Halcyon]

you wrote that!?!!? Genius.

[Rochard]

Originally Posted by Matt 26z

It's not too difficult to shoot down every last one of these points. Many became invalid after Jesus and some of the others are not even religious at all. Just because something is in the Bible doesn't mean it's the direct word of God either. Much of the Bible is actually a written historical record of life back then, and as such many local laws are quoted that have nothing to do with religion. It was the church who chose which scripts (out of hundreds) contained important religious points, and those became the Bible we know today. They were not edited to include religious teachings only.

So now your telling me that the bible really isn't God's word, but rather a collection of stories from "the old times" and the church(es) and Donny's friends more or less hand pick what they want to believe in and throw out the rest?

Well isn't that just spiffy.

[JasonB]

I think this is my favorite gfy thread.

[aico]

Originally Posted by Rochard

So now your telling me that the bible really isn't God's word, but rather a collection of stories from "the old times" and the church(es) and Donny's friends more or less hand pick what they want to believe in and throw out the rest?

Well isn't that just spiffy.

Dude, the "followers" are referred to as "sheep"... nuff said.

[JD]

Originally Posted by Rochard

So now your telling me that the bible really isn't God's word, but rather a collection of stories from "the old times" and the church(es) and Donny's friends more or less hand pick what they want to believe in and throw out the rest?

Well isn't that just spiffy.

yep pretty much

[sweetums]

Originally Posted by Z

If we could have Canadians as slaves, I'd have you and SexyScribe in collars in the bedroom and Shaft in the pool house to take care of the "needs" of the rest of the staff and as my back up cock for those nights I'm just not in the mood.

Mario would be the guard at the gate and the enforcer for collecting debts, Dwreck would manage the harem and keep the business rolling.

Damn, I'm liking this idea.

Hahahaha damn you and Roc and both of your furtive imaginations!!

[emthree]

Exploiting women rocks.







....NAAAAAAAAAT

[Agent 488]

this thread makes me feel like in in my first year of university again.

[khs]

did someone say thump?

[Rochard]

Originally Posted by sweetums

Hahahaha damn you and Roc and both of your furtive imaginations!!

I personally believe that slavery was the greatest injustice of all time.

Yet the bible seems okay with it.

I might not be able to sleep tonight.

[PerrieBelle]

erm... too many words... make my eyes hurt...

[Xplicit]

Great stuff Z, i'm one of those guys who was also forced to "be religious" by my parents when I was younger, so i read the bible, and it actually turned me into an atheist because of many of the things you listed.

They say 'society has changed' which is why some things in the bible can be ignored now.... but for some reason they were still telling the teens in the youth group not to have sex until marriage, and to hate gays, etc.

I still dont get how they decide which rules in the bible are outdated and no longer need to be followed. Which made it obvious religion is based on making people feel better by looking down on 'sinners', instead of actually following the rules they believe came directly from god.

[Donny]

Originally Posted by Halcyon

you wrote that!?!!? Genius.

No, he didn't write this. In fact, I've posted this exact same bit of writing a few years ago. It's taken from http://www.landoverbaptist.org/ , which is a very funny site.

Right now my head is pounding like crazy. Started this morning when the screen started going a little fuzzy and has gotten worse all day. Bump this thread tomorrow when my head feels better and I'll be happy to talk about this.

PS: here is a list of several similar "quizzes":

http://www.landoverbaptist.org/quizlist.html

[JFK]

Originally Posted by Rochard

I need an answer to this. I always wanted to own my own Canadian!

Sorry Rochard , your US $ isnt what it used to be

[spacedog]

hmm.. interesting?

Things I never knew about the bible..

[Z]

Originally Posted by Matt 26z

It's not too difficult to shoot down every last one of these points. Many became invalid after Jesus and some of the others are not even religious at all. Just because something is in the Bible doesn't mean it's the direct word of God either. Much of the Bible is actually a written historical record of life back then, and as such many local laws are quoted that have nothing to do with religion. It was the church who chose which scripts (out of hundreds) contained important religious points, and those became the Bible we know today. They were not edited to include religious teachings only.

I'd love to see you try and "shoot down" these points. I'll be happy to counter with modern quotes from modern evangelists of nearly every Christian religion using these and similar references as bulletpoints for Saturday and Sunday morning hell and brimfire fests.

[Donny]

Originally Posted by Z

I'd love to see you try and "shoot down" these points. I'll be happy to counter with modern quotes from modern evangelists of nearly every Christian religion using these and similar references as bulletpoints for Saturday and Sunday morning hell and brimfire fests.

You're right, and so is Matt. Preachers use these scriptures when it fits what they're trying to say, but fail to address some of those weird scriptures when it doesn't fit what they want.

You didn't write this list, by the way. It came from the Landover Baptist website, a parody site. They have more such questions and "quizzes" here:

http://www.landoverbaptist.org/quizlist.html

That's a very funny site. I love it.

However, what Matt said is true.

Also, the very word "Christian" means "like Christ". I look to His words for advice and try to take the words of "preachers" much less seriously.

[Z]

Originally Posted by Xplicit

Great stuff Z, i'm one of those guys who was also forced to "be religious" by my parents when I was younger, so i read the bible, and it actually turned me into an atheist because of many of the things you listed.

They say 'society has changed' which is why some things in the bible can be ignored now.... but for some reason they were still telling the teens in the youth group not to have sex until marriage, and to hate gays, etc.

I still dont get how they decide which rules in the bible are outdated and no longer need to be followed. Which made it obvious religion is based on making people feel better by looking down on 'sinners', instead of actually following the rules they believe came directly from god.

My parents cramming me into that Seventh Day Adventist school was probably the best thing that ever happened to me. I went there for almost 6 years. A year in public middle school and the expulsion in my junior year of high school cut that round number short. That time showed me the true meaning of irony, hypocrisy and gave me a short course in "what goes around, comes around".

I remember gems like when "Ice Ice Baby" came out, "Uncle Larry", our bible class teacher, spiritual advisor and Pathfinders leader announced to the class, the pathfinder troop, the missionary group, in bible study and then again on Sabbath how modern culture was hypnotically suggesting we go to hell. His justification for that was this wildly popular song repeatedly mentioning "ice ice baby" because hell was hot and he would be trading ice for sex. This was announced with the approval of the SDA administration after an "in depth study of the lyrical value of the song".

Any and all kinds of dancing was prohibited except square dancing and only then after 16, in the company of elders and with the 12" rule strictly enforced, except for hand holding...which was to be "friendship based and only to symbolize our love for God".

This is the same school charged $20k /year tuition, then provided slave...err...student labor for the gymnasts in the Disney parades (for a tidy profit), for the SDA owned rehabs (for drugs and alcohol, pregnant girls, gay youths and other "troubled souls") summer camps, hospitals, nursing homes, funeral homes and other businesses that fed the coffers. Then they had the audacity to tell the students that after paying tuition and working for less than 1/2 of minimum wage, we were expected to give 10% of the monies we did earn back to the church. Ohh...did I mention the principal that expelled me got indicted for misusing monies and child labor to renovate his house?

I could go on for hours about this nonsense. But what it comes down to is that Christianity, in it's modern forms is mostly self-serving, hypocritical, profit-based businesses preying on the weak willed and weak minded. To the good hearted who see and act on the good in it, all my love and blessings on your path. To the rest

[Z]

Originally Posted by Donny

No, he didn't write this. In fact, I've posted this exact same bit of writing a few years ago. It's taken from http://www.landoverbaptist.org/ , which is a very funny site.

Right now my head is pounding like crazy. Started this morning when the screen started going a little fuzzy and has gotten worse all day. Bump this thread tomorrow when my head feels better and I'll be happy to talk about this.

PS: here is a list of several similar "quizzes":

http://www.landoverbaptist.org/quizlist.html

Donny, just because I make valid points does not mean you need to call me a liar. landoverbaptist is a funny site and I'm sure they ran across my little essay somewhere and I'm not the first bit picky about credit. It makes the world a better place to have it out there making Christians, quasi-Christians and would-be Christians think before they turn their brains off and follow.

I wrote the first iteration of this for my 11th grade bible class. If I weren't 2000 miles away from my storage space, I'd be happy to pull the original from my "memory box" and scan it in, complete with the period I was taking bible that year and the teacher's name...which I mentioned in another reply was "Uncle Larry". I regularly engaged the class in what became over time very heated debates and sometimes arguments over the validity of the bible, particular passages, etc. As nearly all Christianity teaches, the bible is the authoritative source. I never bought that and never will. Believing in and embracing a higher power to help focus and encourage you to think, say and do good things is a wonderful practice. But mindlessly following a belief system, some jackass in a suit on whatever your chosen day of worship is and tossing your hard earned money in the coffer pot to buy him a vacation house is pathetic.

I posted this originally in various SDA and Christian chat rooms on IRC, as far back as 1996 or 1997. Inciting debate and witty banter was a lot of fun back when the 'net was just people banging messages back and forth. (Not much has changed) Then it was part of my profile on theglobe.com (anybody remember that site?), since I was still very much into studying comparative religions and largely into Christian bashing back then. Then it was included in several write ups I did for various articles I mentioned earlier and I refined it each time from the original which, while very close...didn't have the refinement that I gained after a lot of writing later in life.

Feel free to chase the golden calf, kneel down to the man with the tall hat and kiss the rings, do whatever soothes the voice inside you reminding you that turning your mind off and giving in to someone else's beliefs is not the shortest path to enlightenment, salvation, heaven, Elysium or whatever floats your boat.

But don't call me a liar because I call you on your passive agressive bullshit in a forum for an industry you claim to despise, but just can't stop posting in.

[HomeFry]

[Tanker]

I thought you left porn your still here?

[D]

Ya, I think I might have caught that on the Landoverbaptist site a few years ago. Good to meet the original author. Exceptional work. I might have to pass it on at some point... taking no credit for it myself - but in its discovery - if you don't mind.

Someone who grew up with fundamentalist religion forced down his throat as well, I've come to understand that all organized religions were created by man, to serve man.

And Jesus was the son of God.... much in the same way that we all are.

At least, that's how I perceive it all.

[Donny]

So, Z, you're saying your wrote this letter to Dr. Laura (almost word for word with the post that started this thread):

http://skeptically.org/againstreligion/id3.html

??

And you also wrote all these other letters as well?

http://www.google.com/search?q=I+nee...ient=firefox-a

Dude, you're notorious! Congrats!