Disorder in America

[dougeetx]

> These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things
> people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published
> by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges
> were actually taking place.
>
> ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
> WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
> ________________________________
> ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
> WITNESS: July 18th.
> ATTORNEY: What year?
> WITNESS: Every year.
> _____________________________________
> ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
> WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? <
> FONT face=Arial color=black size=2>
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> WITNESS: I forget.
> ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
> _____________________________________
> ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
> WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
> ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?!
> WITNESS: Forty-five years.
> _____________________________________
> ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
> WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
> ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
> WITNESS: My name is Susan.
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
> WITNESS: We both do.
> ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
> WITNESS: We do.
> ATTORNEY: You do?
> WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
> he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
> WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
> ____________________________________
> ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
> WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
> ________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
> WITNESS: &nbs! p;Would you repeat the question?
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
> WITNESS: Uh....
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
> ! WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: How many were boys? < BR>WITNESS: None.
> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
> WITNESS: By death.
> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
> WITNESS: ! He was about medium height and had a beard.
> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
> notice which I sent to your attorney?
> WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: & nbsp; Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
> dead people?
> WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
> !
> WITNESS: Oral.
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
> ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
> WI TNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
> autopsy on him!
> ____________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sa mple?
> WITNESS: Huh?
> ____________________________________________
>
> And the best for last
>
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
> pulse?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATT ORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
> the autopsy?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
> WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
> practicing law.

[rodney25]

Courtroom humor is simply the best

[_Lush_]

Funnnnny Shit

[BusterBunny]

some good shit in there

[AdPatron]

I just farted.

[sniperwolf]

rolf... so funny it hurts... haha

[Drake]

[E$_manager]

THat is so funny!!!!

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
> WITNESS: We both do.
> ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
> WITNESS: We do.
> ATTORNEY: You do?
> WITNESS: Yes, voodoo

[Webby]

Originally Posted by dougeetx

> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
> pulse?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATT ORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
> the autopsy?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
> WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
> practicing law.

Theres nothing worse than an attorney pressing for the right answers for an attack in a dead cause (literally)

[tehHinjew]

old but fucking HALARIOUS

[Yngwie]

LOL that gave me a good laugh

[squishypimp]

lol that was good

[Ace_luffy]

[reynold]

Thanks for the hard laugh