General Joke Thread - GoFuckYourself.com

godisdead · 08-02-2006, 01:33 PM

A Zen master visiting New York City goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen master, who pays with a $20 bill.

The vendor puts the bill in the cashbox and closes it. "Excuse me, but where's my change?" asks the Zen master.

The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."

---

What does an agnostic, insomniac, dyslexic do?

He lies awake late at night wondering whether there really is a dog.

---

16 Reasons Why God Never Received Tenure at the University

Author Unknown

He had only one major publication
And it was in Hebrew
And it had no references
And it was not published in a refereed journal
And some even doubted that He wrote it Himself.
It may be true that He created the world, but what has He done since then?
His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to replicate His results.
He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
When subjects did not behave as predicted, He often punished them, or just deleted them from the sample.
He rarely came to class: He just told students to read the book.
He has his son teach the class.
He expelled His first two students for learning too much.
Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed His tests.
His office hours were infrequent, and usually held on a mountain top.

---

Not for Blondes

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you want to hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - given that you are blind - that you should know five things:
1. - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2. - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. - I'm a 6ft tall, 200lb blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5. - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,"Nah, not if I'm going to have to explain it five times."

---

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

---

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Governmentium." Governmentium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass." When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes dministratium - an element which radiates just as much energy as the Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

---

Thinnest books of all times:

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman

MY WILD YEARS
by Al Gore

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

DETROIT: a Travel Guide

A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J. Kevorkian

ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Ellen de Generes

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson

SPOTTED OWL RECIPES
by the EPA

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O. J. Simpson

okay, enough. Phew! Now it's your turn.

reynold · 08-02-2006, 07:52 PM

Nic jokes there.

Employer: hahaha8220;In this job we need someone who is responsible.hahaha8221;

Applicant: hahaha8220;Ihahaha8217;m the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.hahaha8221;

dakota1358 · 08-02-2006, 08:26 PM

funny ones

xxxjay · 08-02-2006, 08:28 PM

I like your username...I am a big Nizithe (however you spell his name) fan

godisdead · 08-03-2006, 12:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xxxjay

I like your username...I am a big Nizithe (however you spell his name) fan

Thanks.
I actually wanted to pick Nietzsche as a username, but it wasn't available anymore. So I picked this one.

Vitasoy · 08-03-2006, 06:51 AM

A few gave me a chuckle

08-02-2006, 01:33 PM	#1
godisdead Confirmed User Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 1,213	General Joke Thread A Zen master visiting New York City goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything." The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen master, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cashbox and closes it. "Excuse me, but where's my change?" asks the Zen master. The vendor responds, "Change must come from within." --- What does an agnostic, insomniac, dyslexic do? He lies awake late at night wondering whether there really is a dog. --- 16 Reasons Why God Never Received Tenure at the University Author Unknown He had only one major publication And it was in Hebrew And it had no references And it was not published in a refereed journal And some even doubted that He wrote it Himself. It may be true that He created the world, but what has He done since then? His cooperative efforts have been quite limited. The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to replicate His results. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects. When subjects did not behave as predicted, He often punished them, or just deleted them from the sample. He rarely came to class: He just told students to read the book. He has his son teach the class. He expelled His first two students for learning too much. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed His tests. His office hours were infrequent, and usually held on a mountain top. --- Not for Blondes A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you want to hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - given that you are blind - that you should know five things: 1. - The bartender is a blonde girl. 2. - The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. - I'm a 6ft tall, 200lb blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter. 5. - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler. Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,"Nah, not if I'm going to have to explain it five times." --- A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right." --- A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Governmentium." Governmentium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass." When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes dministratium - an element which radiates just as much energy as the Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons. --- Thinnest books of all times: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE by Osama Bin Laden THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman MY WILD YEARS by Al Gore AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS DETROIT: a Travel Guide A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES by Dr. J. Kevorkian ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen de Generes GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE by Mike Tyson SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by the EPA THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O. J. Simpson okay, enough. Phew! Now it's your turn. __________________ $40 Flat Fee 70% Revshare YEAH THOSE ARE CRAZY PAYOUTS coming soon Crazy Payouts

08-02-2006, 08:26 PM	#3
dakota1358 Confirmed User Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Baltimore,Md Posts: 2,114	funny ones __________________ Carmen Cocks Rocks

08-02-2006, 08:28 PM	#4
xxxjay Tube groupie. Industry Role: Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: LoScandalous, CA Posts: 13,482	I like your username...I am a big Nizithe (however you spell his name) fan __________________ http://donttellmehowtoruinmylife.com/ - http://www.jmdigitalmarketing.com/my...s-and-reviews/ - http://www.wouldyouhitit.org - http://shinyobjectreviews.com/

08-03-2006, 06:51 AM	#6
Vitasoy GFY HALL OF FAME DAMMIT!!! Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 58,202	A few gave me a chuckle __________________ [email protected]

08-02-2006, 07:52 PM	#2
reynold Too lazy to set a custom title Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Global Traveler Posts: 51,271	Nic jokes there. Employer: hahaha8220;In this job we need someone who is responsible.hahaha8221; Applicant: hahaha8220;Ihahaha8217;m the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.hahaha8221;