Careful.
If you disagree with him, he will ask for your head.

A man walked into a supermarket, asking to buy half a head of lettuce. The stock boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man was insistent: he did not need a whole head, only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.

The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he finished speaking, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "--and this gentleman wants to buy the other half."

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Afterward, the manager said "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from, son?"

"Texas, sir".

"Oh really? Why did you leave Texas?" Asked the manager.

The boy said, "Nothing but whores and ball players down there."

"Hey!" Said the manager, "My wife is from Texas!!"

"No kidding!" Says the boy. "What team did she play for?"

Krav Magna = Fagg0t Tricks? I mean, don't get me wrong, It's not wrong for you to get things put up your ass... but damn those jewrats are kinky.

lol... i think so too.. :1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've got some bad news for
you...you have the cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month." Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from
the doctor's office into the waiting room.

There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have
cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."

After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked
what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad...He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion, "Dad I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from
AIDS?" Murphy said, "I am dying from cancer son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother."

visitor's guide to DALLAS

1. You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is DAL-LUS, or DAA-LIS depending on if you live inside or outside LBJ Freeway.

2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Dallas has its own version of traffic rules....Hold on and pray. There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Dallas. We all drive like that.

3. All directions start with, "Go down to Beltline"...which has no beginning and no end.

4. The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic a "scenic drive."

5. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.

6. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out and possibly shot. When you are the first one on the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going to avoid getting into any cross-traffic's way.

7. Arapaho Road can only be pronounced by a native. The same holds true for Wycliff Avenue, Worcola Street, Sul Ross and Routh Street.

8. Construction on I-30 is a way of life and form of entertainment.

9. All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're in Fort Worth!!"

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect.

11. All old ladies with blue hair in pink Cadillacs have the right of way.

12. Story Road mysteriously changes names as you cross intersections. Unless you're on Storey Rd......

13. If asking directions in Irving, you must have knowledge of Spanish.

14. Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport has four terminal buildings connected by one tram that never works.

15. A trip across town (east to west) will take a minimum of four hours, although many north/south freeways have unposted minimum speeds of 75. The minimum acceptable speed on the Dallas North Toll Road is 85. Anything less is considered downright sissy.

16. The wrought iron on windows in and around Oak Cliff isn't ornamental.

17. Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that says,"Keep honking. I'm reloading." In fact, don't honk at anyone. Concealed weapons are a jealously guarded, God-given right.

18. If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 in a 60 mph zone...people are not waving when they go by.

19. The North Dallas Toll way is our daily version of NASCAR.

20. LBJ is called "The Death Trap" for two reasons: "death" and "trap."

21. If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.

22. If it's 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, the Fort Worth Live Stock show is going on.

23. If it's rained 6 inches in the last hour, the Byron Nelson Golf Classic is in the second round.

24. Amusement parks, stadiums, arenas, race tracks, airports, etc. are conveniently located as far away from EVERYTHING as possible so as to allow for ample parking on grassy areas.

creation of CANADA

On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said "Today I am going to create a land called Canada. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty, it shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, beautifully sparkly lakes bountiful with carp and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, rivers stocked with salmon."

God continued "I shall make the land rich in oil so to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."

"But Lord", asked Gabriel ",don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"

"Not really", replied God ",just wait and see the neighbors I am going to give them."

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's now aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man glanced down with a furrowed brow.

"Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

i got one ...

WHATS THE DIFFRENCE BETWEEN A JEW AND A PIZZA ??



THE PIZZA DOESNT SCREAM IN THE OVEN...

Q: what do you call a black man with no hands.
A: honest

:1orglaugh :1orglaugh

:1orglaugh :1orglaugh

I young boy goes to confession and says forgive me father for i have sined and the father goes what did you do son he says i fooled a jew and the father goes well son thats not a sin thats a miracle.

Q:What do you call two nigers in a sleeping bag
A: Twix

What do you call a school bus full of hindus
A: a rotten banana

What do you say if u are sitting in dark and your tv starts moving
A: Put down the tv hahahahahaha

What do you call 10 natives in a ditch
A: A sleep over

What do you cal 500 hindus running around the track
A: Indy 500

This is KKK-level shit right here. lol.