How Little Peeps Know About Australia and the Fanous Aussie Sense of Humor ..... - GoFuckYourself.com

CuriousToyBoy · 06-30-2006, 01:54 PM

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, and let me tell you, these are people I want working for me !!!!

Enjoy ...

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

***********************************

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks?(Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

***********************************

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)

A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

***********************************

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?

***********************************

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

***********************************

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

***********************************

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

***********************************

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

***********************************

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?(Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

***********************************

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

***********************************

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

***********************************

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

***********************************

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

A: Only at Christmas.

***********************************

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

IF YOU DO NOT GET ANY OF THE JOKES ABOVE YOU CANNOT POSSIBLY BE AUSTRALIAN OR EVER HAVE VISITED THERE.

EITHER THAT OR YOU ARE AMERICAN.

Deraj · 06-30-2006, 02:00 PM

HAHAHAHA.. that is a good one

Deraj · 06-30-2006, 02:00 PM

HAHAHAHA.. that is a good one

MrIzzz · 06-30-2006, 02:07 PM

those australians are evil people, right after i stop canadia from trying to invade us i will then focus my attention to the aussies

Deraj · 06-30-2006, 02:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MrIzzz

those australians are evil people, right after i stop canadia from trying to invade us i will then focus my attention to the aussies

Elli · 06-30-2006, 02:10 PM

hehe those are awesome

BobG · 06-30-2006, 02:20 PM

Good stuff mate. Yes, the Aussie humor is legendary.

SleazyDream · 06-30-2006, 02:27 PM

americans EVERY year - several a week - mid july in 100 degree heat - cross the boarder in cars expecting to see snow in canada the moment they cross the border.

i have friends that work as border guards - this happens ALL THE TIME.

SAD

Michael O · 06-30-2006, 02:30 PM

HAHAHAHA that is brilliant.

CuriousToyBoy · 06-30-2006, 02:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MrIzzz

those australians are evil people, right after i stop canadia from trying to invade us i will then focus my attention to the aussies

Ha ha ha ha ha ha

I have laid a cunning trap for you Izzy.

Jagermeister vendors and topless beaches.

You won't make it to the sand dunes.

stickyfingerz · 06-30-2006, 02:46 PM

Will the Dingos Eat ma bay-be?

stickyfingerz · 06-30-2006, 02:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SleazyDream

americans EVERY year - several a week - mid july in 100 degree heat - cross the boarder in cars expecting to see snow in canada the moment they cross the border.

i have friends that work as border guards - this happens ALL THE TIME.

SAD

I just dont understand how the penquins stay cool, and the igloos dont melt.

CuriousToyBoy · 06-30-2006, 02:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stickyfingerzdotnet

Will the Dingos Eat ma bay-be?

No, we sacrifice foreign babies at dawn to the god of beer on every day ending in "y".

YOU, we will feed to the dingos.

gimo33 · 06-30-2006, 03:00 PM

lol...lots of funny stuff

stickyfingerz · 06-30-2006, 03:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CuriousToyBoy

No, we sacrifice foreign babies at dawn to the god of beer on every day ending in "y".

YOU, we will feed to the dingos.

Big John · 06-30-2006, 03:04 PM

We sent the prostitutes and convicts to one country and the religious nutters to another. Even with no knowledge of history you could guess which country received which type of undesirable!

The only things bad about Australia are that too much of the wildlife can do you serious harm and they can't play cricket!

Have to love 'em otherwise.

CuriousToyBoy · 06-30-2006, 03:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Big John

The only things bad about Australia are that too much of the wildlife can do you serious harm and they can't play cricket!

Have to love 'em otherwise.

England wins ONE series in FIFTEEN YEARS and suddenly Aussie can't play cricket?

FYI, since the last Ashes series, the Poms have one 4 out of 12 test matches while the Aussies have nailed 9 out of 11.

Oz has dominated World cricket so much in the last 15 years, it gets boring.

seeric · 06-30-2006, 03:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SleazyDream

americans EVERY year - several a week - mid july in 100 degree heat - cross the boarder in cars expecting to see snow in canada the moment they cross the border.

i have friends that work as border guards - this happens ALL THE TIME.

SAD

Big John · 06-30-2006, 03:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CuriousToyBoy

England wins ONE series in FIFTEEN YEARS and suddenly Aussie can't play cricket?

FYI, since the last Ashes series, the Poms have one 4 out of 12 test matches while the Aussies have nailed 9 out of 11.

Oz has dominated World cricket so much in the last 15 years, it gets boring.

I was waiting for that reply

As it only happens once every 15 years we have to make the most of it!

To be honest I'm hoping we lose this year. That way I get to see it next year as Old Trafford is only a few miles away

Big John · 06-30-2006, 03:33 PM

Talking of Aussies Rolf Harris has just appeared on my TV. I'm not sure whether you love or hate the guy over there but you gotta be honest - he could only be an Aussie!

/me whistles the Jake the Peg tune....

Firehorse · 06-30-2006, 03:34 PM

I think we are relatively lucky in Australia.

We were brought up on American and English comedies and of course in society we got the Aussie sense of humour.

When I was in the U.S. for Internext in 2003 it was really easy to find American humour funny.

However the otherside of the supply and demand coin means that hardly anybody understands the Aussie venacular, loaded with superlatives and colloquialisms, meatphors, analogies and dry whitted cutting sardonic wish it was directed at me, the sort of humor that can even leave a man giant gaping there with his mouth open or laughing untill he cries. :1orglaqugh

Big John · 06-30-2006, 03:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Firehorse

However the otherside of the supply and demand coin means that hardly anybody understands the Aussie venacular...

We have neighbours! It's like a crash course on some of the Aussie slang!

Damn - I just realised that I've admitted to having watched neighbours in the past

CuriousToyBoy · 06-30-2006, 04:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Big John

I was waiting for that reply

As it only happens once every 15 years we have to make the most of it!

To be honest I'm hoping we lose this year. That way I get to see it next year as Old Trafford is only a few miles away

He he

I also LOVE the English sense of humor at times... it is more subtle and refined when done well ....

After you bastards won the Ashes, the British Post Office issued a commemorative 75p stamp.

No prizes for guessing what it costs and therefore what stamp goes on the envelope for any standard letter, card or postcard to be sent to Australia ....

CuriousToyBoy · 06-30-2006, 04:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Big John

Talking of Aussies Rolf Harris has just appeared on my TV. I'm not sure whether you love or hate the guy over there but you gotta be honest - he could only be an Aussie!

/me whistles the Jake the Peg tune....

Rolf Harris is a Pommy.

He was born in the UK and raised in Australia.

I believe he still has a UK Passport which is why he was able to saunter back over the big pond when we got sick of him here.

he he he he he eh eh

;-)

VicD · 06-30-2006, 04:10 PM

Funny stuff, mate

Mr. Romance · 06-30-2006, 04:12 PM

I just need to have a trip there with you in charge one day!

Mr. Romance

georgeyw · 06-30-2006, 04:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CuriousToyBoy

England wins ONE series in FIFTEEN YEARS and suddenly Aussie can't play cricket?

FYI, since the last Ashes series, the Poms have one 4 out of 12 test matches while the Aussies have nailed 9 out of 11.

Oz has dominated World cricket so much in the last 15 years, it gets boring.

Quoted for the truth

CuriousToyBoy · 06-30-2006, 04:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mr. Romance

I just need to have a trip there with you in charge one day!

Mr. Romance

Watch this space mate.

Planning well advanced.

georgeyw · 06-30-2006, 04:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Big John

Talking of Aussies Rolf Harris has just appeared on my TV. I'm not sure whether you love or hate the guy over there but you gotta be honest - he could only be an Aussie!

/me whistles the Jake the Peg tune....

We never see any Rolf Harris stuff here - I think he was bigger in the UK than here anyways.

MaDalton · 06-30-2006, 05:01 PM

great - exactly my type of humor. i should go over and visit

Firehorse · 06-30-2006, 05:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Big John

We have neighbours! It's like a crash course on some of the Aussie slang!

Damn - I just realised that I've admitted to having watched neighbours in the past

LOL I forgot about that cultural nightmare of a clinical cardboard cut out pretending to act like Aussies altho as far as the language goes they are fairly accurate with most of it.

I think the average Aussie is a lot more chilled than the neighbours stereotypes.

I have watched neighbours too.

Gambit · 06-30-2006, 05:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CuriousToyBoy

England wins ONE series in FIFTEEN YEARS and suddenly Aussie can't play cricket?

FYI, since the last Ashes series, the Poms have one 4 out of 12 test matches while the Aussies have nailed 9 out of 11.

Oz has dominated World cricket so much in the last 15 years, it gets boring.

True. But our injuries are the reason for us no winning tests. + a long tour of the sub continent where its bloody hard to win. Rather than 2 home test series against the Winies and Saffies. Who are at this moment frankly Pants.

We'll see what happens in November. Although Jones and Vaughan are both ruled out already.

Big John · 06-30-2006, 05:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CuriousToyBoy

Rolf Harris is a Pommy.
He was born in the UK and raised in Australia.

But let's be honest about this - most of the Aussie gene pool originally comes from the UK. It's the upbringing that turns them all strange and he had an Aussie upbringing!

Do you want him back btw? Watching Rolf is an experience akin to having honey smeared on your genitals, red ants poured down your pants and the legs taped up.

soulbleed · 06-30-2006, 06:02 PM

lol @ dropbear

The Other Steve · 06-30-2006, 06:12 PM

My only disappointment with Rolf was that he didn't paint the Queens using a Taubmans paint brush - instead all we got was another boring picture of a boring old woman.

OzMan · 06-30-2006, 06:25 PM

good stuff and quite believable!

Here's some more of the same sarcastic Aussie style of humor. It's an oldie but a goodie... QANTAS pilots fill out a problem sheet for flight mechanics to look at...here are the problems(P) as noted by the pilots and the proposed solutions(S) offered by the flight mechanics.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That?s what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you?re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last??????

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

CuriousToyBoy · 06-30-2006, 06:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by OzMan

good stuff and quite believable!

Here's some more of the same sarcastic Aussie style of humor. It's an oldie but a goodie... QANTAS pilots fill out a problem sheet for flight mechanics to look at...here are the problems(P) as noted by the pilots and the proposed solutions(S) offered by the flight mechanics.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That?s what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you?re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last??????

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

Ha ha ha ha ha ha

Fucking awesome add on mate !

MaDalton · 06-30-2006, 06:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by OzMan

good stuff and quite believable!

Here's some more of the same sarcastic Aussie style of humor. It's an oldie but a goodie... QANTAS pilots fill out a problem sheet for flight mechanics to look at...here are the problems(P) as noted by the pilots and the proposed solutions(S) offered by the flight mechanics.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That?s what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you?re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last??????

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

i officially just pissed my pants

CuriousToyBoy · 07-01-2006, 12:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MaDalton

i officially just pissed my pants

CuriousToyBoy · 07-01-2006, 05:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MaDalton

great - exactly my type of humor. i should go over and visit

Love to have you mate ! Anytime.

Damian_Maxcash · 07-01-2006, 05:22 AM

Theres only one thing funnier than an Australian - Thats a New Zealander.

v4 media · 07-01-2006, 05:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Big John

Talking of Aussies Rolf Harris has just appeared on my TV. I'm not sure whether you love or hate the guy over there but you gotta be honest - he could only be an Aussie!

/me whistles the Jake the Peg tune....

Australia deported him cause he kept tying the kangaroos down.

CuriousToyBoy · 07-01-2006, 05:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by v4 media

Australia deported him cause he kept tying the kangaroos down.

Yes Beastiality Bondage is just not the done thing, sport.

cranki · 07-01-2006, 05:48 AM

hahahhaaa funny stuff

Anthony · 07-01-2006, 05:57 AM

I'd like to think some of us Yankees have a sense of humour! I'm a red blooded example!

I remember the first time I was told a joke by Prophet back in the day why driving on the right side of a car made more sense...

He said, "When you drive on the right side of the car, you are on the side of the car that the line is, so you can keep in your lane".

Sorry, that wasn't a joke, he was just stupid.

Anthony <<<hahahaha Pooftah since 1998

CuriousToyBoy · 07-01-2006, 06:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anthony

I'd like to think some of us Yankees have a sense of humour! I'm a red blooded example!

I remember the first time I was told a joke by Prophet back in the day why driving on the right side of a car made more sense...

He said, "When you drive on the right side of the car, you are on the side of the car that the line is, so you can keep in your lane".

Sorry, that wasn't a joke, he was just stupid.

Anthony <<<hahahaha Pooftah since 1998

Ha ha ha ah ah ah

Nice Ant !!

Knowing Simon also, it brings to mind another wonderful Australian saying...

No doubting he is a very smart guy, but sometimes he definitely was a "sandwich short of a picnic".

bvds · 07-01-2006, 06:30 AM

Learn to spik Australian Have you ever wonder just what the heck they are talking about when it not sport, sport or, geez mate, more sport?

A passenger plane traveling to California is suddenly hit with a severe engine problem and plummets into the Pacific Ocean.

The impact is such that the plane is ripped apart leaving only one man alive. After hours of swimming he spies an island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores.

Though he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of miles from home, he cannot but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on.

Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another survivor from the crash. He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life. As she wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is...its Kylie Minogue!

Forever grateful to him for saving her life, they strike up an immediate bond, and over the following weeks, while stranded on the island, they fall madly in love. One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new

found love sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of sorrow on his face. She wanders over to him, and asks what is wrong. "Kylie," he says, "The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life. We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we could require, and I have you, but still I can't help feeling there's something missing."

Kylie replies: "What my darling? What is it that you need? I'll do anything".
"Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt?"
"OK"
"And my trousers?"
"OK"

At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and draws a neat moustache on her lips. "OK... Can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off the other way and meet you half way."

"OK dear, whatever will make you happy?"

So off they set. After an hour walking he eventually sees her heading towards him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint, runs up to her, grabs her by the shoulders and shouts:

"Hey mate, you won't believe who I'm shagging'!!

georgeyw · 07-01-2006, 06:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by OzMan

good stuff and quite believable!

Here's some more of the same sarcastic Aussie style of humor. It's an oldie but a goodie... QANTAS pilots fill out a problem sheet for flight mechanics to look at...here are the problems(P) as noted by the pilots and the proposed solutions(S) offered by the flight mechanics.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That?s what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you?re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last??????

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

holy shit - almost choked on my gum whilst reading that! Nice post - keep em coming, I love this stuff

gooddomains · 07-01-2006, 06:49 AM

fucking hillarious

CuriousToyBoy · 07-01-2006, 06:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bvds

Learn to spik Australian Have you ever wonder just what the heck they are talking about when it not sport, sport or, geez mate, more sport?

A passenger plane traveling to California is suddenly hit with a severe engine problem and plummets into the Pacific Ocean.

The impact is such that the plane is ripped apart leaving only one man alive. After hours of swimming he spies an island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores.

Though he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of miles from home, he cannot but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on.

Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another survivor from the crash. He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life. As she wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is...its Kylie Minogue!

Forever grateful to him for saving her life, they strike up an immediate bond, and over the following weeks, while stranded on the island, they fall madly in love. One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new

found love sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of sorrow on his face. She wanders over to him, and asks what is wrong. "Kylie," he says, "The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life. We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we could require, and I have you, but still I can't help feeling there's something missing."

Kylie replies: "What my darling? What is it that you need? I'll do anything".
"Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt?"
"OK"
"And my trousers?"
"OK"

At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and draws a neat moustache on her lips. "OK... Can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off the other way and meet you half way."

"OK dear, whatever will make you happy?"

So off they set. After an hour walking he eventually sees her heading towards him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint, runs up to her, grabs her by the shoulders and shouts:

"Hey mate, you won't believe who I'm shagging'!!

Now running down the pub to tell your mates....

Something TRULY Australian.

06-30-2006, 01:54 PM	#1
CuriousToyBoy Crazy Aussie Bastard Industry Role: Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Wherever I lay my hat, that's my home. Posts: 16,787	How Little Peeps Know About Australia and the Fanous Aussie Sense of Humor ..... These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, and let me tell you, these are people I want working for me !!!! Enjoy ... Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA) A: Depends how much you've been drinking. ********************************* Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks?(Sweden) A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water. ******************************* Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden) A: So it's true what they say about Swedes. ******************************* Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK) A: What did your last slave die of? ******************************* Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA) A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked. ******************************* Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA) A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions. ******************************* Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK) A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do. ******************************* Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA) A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked. ******************************* Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?(Germany) A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal. ******************************* Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA) A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets. ******************************* Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA) A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking. ******************************* Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA) A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather. ******************************* Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France) A: Only at Christmas. ********************************* Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA) A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first. IF YOU DO NOT GET ANY OF THE JOKES ABOVE YOU CANNOT POSSIBLY BE AUSTRALIAN OR EVER HAVE VISITED THERE. EITHER THAT OR YOU ARE AMERICAN. __________________ Celebs Adult Who's Who ==> Ambush Interview ==> ICQ 293 070 684 ==> intmarpacrim AT gmail DOT com

06-30-2006, 02:07 PM	#4
MrIzzz If u touch it, I will cum Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: long island Posts: 22,923	those australians are evil people, right after i stop canadia from trying to invade us i will then focus my attention to the aussies __________________ WHO WANTS TO PLAY GRAB-ASS?

06-30-2006, 02:10 PM	#6
Elli Reach for those stars! Industry Role: Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: Vancouver, BC Posts: 17,991	hehe those are awesome __________________ email: [email protected]

06-30-2006, 02:27 PM	#8
SleazyDream I'm here for SPORT Industry Role: Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Phone # (401) 285-0696 Posts: 41,470	americans EVERY year - several a week - mid july in 100 degree heat - cross the boarder in cars expecting to see snow in canada the moment they cross the border. i have friends that work as border guards - this happens ALL THE TIME. SAD __________________ This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! Now read without the word dog.

06-30-2006, 02:30 PM	#9
Michael O More Cowbell Industry Role: Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Nakhom Nowhere Posts: 10,607	HAHAHAHA that is brilliant. __________________ Truth Teller

06-30-2006, 02:20 PM	#7
BobG Confirmed User Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: San Diego Posts: 4,274	Good stuff mate. Yes, the Aussie humor is legendary.

06-30-2006, 02:46 PM	#11
stickyfingerz Doin fine Industry Role: Join Date: Oct 2005 Posts: 24,984	Will the Dingos Eat ma bay-be?

06-30-2006, 03:00 PM	#14
gimo33 Confirmed User Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 5,599	lol...lots of funny stuff __________________ Galleries that sells www.highendcreatives.com Avail of the $10 per gallery, promo!! Highend Designs at Low Price. Contact us now!

06-30-2006, 03:04 PM	#16
Big John Confirmed User Join Date: May 2006 Location: Never never land Posts: 470	We sent the prostitutes and convicts to one country and the religious nutters to another. Even with no knowledge of history you could guess which country received which type of undesirable! The only things bad about Australia are that too much of the wildlife can do you serious harm and they can't play cricket! Have to love 'em otherwise. __________________

06-30-2006, 03:33 PM	#20
Big John Confirmed User Join Date: May 2006 Location: Never never land Posts: 470	Talking of Aussies Rolf Harris has just appeared on my TV. I'm not sure whether you love or hate the guy over there but you gotta be honest - he could only be an Aussie! /me whistles the Jake the Peg tune.... __________________

06-30-2006, 03:34 PM	#21
Firehorse Desire it and have it!!! Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: www.fuckwithfire.com ICQ 512915 Posts: 30,767	I think we are relatively lucky in Australia. We were brought up on American and English comedies and of course in society we got the Aussie sense of humour. When I was in the U.S. for Internext in 2003 it was really easy to find American humour funny. However the otherside of the supply and demand coin means that hardly anybody understands the Aussie venacular, loaded with superlatives and colloquialisms, meatphors, analogies and dry whitted cutting sardonic wish it was directed at me, the sort of humor that can even leave a man giant gaping there with his mouth open or laughing untill he cries. :1orglaqugh __________________ MySweetEbony

06-30-2006, 04:10 PM	#25
VicD ICQ: 304-611-162 Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: Masterdam Posts: 13,245	Funny stuff, mate

06-30-2006, 04:12 PM	#26
Mr. Romance The Face of Romance and the Symbol of Freedom Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: The America's Posts: 7,821	I just need to have a trip there with you in charge one day! Mr. Romance __________________ Free Leads Program now paying up to $6 Gerard-Director of Global Sales Sign up Here: CamStarCash Check out: FreeCamStars ICQ: 330 662 299 gerard at freecamstars . com

06-30-2006, 05:01 PM	#30
MaDalton I am Amazing Content! Industry Role: Join Date: Feb 2004 Posts: 39,829	great - exactly my type of humor. i should go over and visit __________________ AmazingContent.com - providing only the best content and service since 2003 Monetize your content on Veegaz.com - one of Germanies largest VOD sites Got German traffic? We convert it into money for you! Skype: madalton02826 - Email: oltecconsult [at] gmail [dot] com

06-30-2006, 06:02 PM	#34
soulbleed Confirmed User Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Australia Posts: 2,606	lol @ dropbear __________________ Earn $20 per bottle of FREE penis enhancement pills you give away. Payments via Paypal, epassporte, check and wire.

06-30-2006, 06:12 PM	#35
The Other Steve Confirmed User Join Date: Dec 2001 Location: Sunny Queensland - perfect one day and better the next. Posts: 2,106	My only disappointment with Rolf was that he didn't paint the Queens using a Taubmans paint brush - instead all we got was another boring picture of a boring old woman. __________________ Left intentionally blank ... just like my brain

06-30-2006, 06:25 PM	#36
OzMan Confirmed User Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: Los Begas Posts: 9,162	good stuff and quite believable! Here's some more of the same sarcastic Aussie style of humor. It's an oldie but a goodie... QANTAS pilots fill out a problem sheet for flight mechanics to look at...here are the problems(P) as noted by the pilots and the proposed solutions(S) offered by the flight mechanics. P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That?s what friction locks are for. P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you?re right. P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!) S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. And the best one for last?????? P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget Last edited by OzMan; 06-30-2006 at 06:26 PM..

07-01-2006, 05:22 AM	#41
Damian_Maxcash So Fucking Banned Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: MaxCash.com Posts: 12,745	Theres only one thing funnier than an Australian - Thats a New Zealander.

07-01-2006, 05:48 AM	#44
cranki Confirmed User Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: Café del Mar Posts: 5,162	hahahhaaa funny stuff

07-01-2006, 05:57 AM	#45
Anthony Keyboard Warrior Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: One of the outer rings of Hell Posts: 9,653	I'd like to think some of us Yankees have a sense of humour! I'm a red blooded example! I remember the first time I was told a joke by Prophet back in the day why driving on the right side of a car made more sense... He said, "When you drive on the right side of the car, you are on the side of the car that the line is, so you can keep in your lane". Sorry, that wasn't a joke, he was just stupid. Anthony <<<hahahaha Pooftah since 1998 __________________

07-01-2006, 06:30 AM	#47
bvds www.fuckingeverywhere.com Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Sydney Posts: 25,085	Learn to spik Australian Have you ever wonder just what the heck they are talking about when it not sport, sport or, geez mate, more sport? A passenger plane traveling to California is suddenly hit with a severe engine problem and plummets into the Pacific Ocean. The impact is such that the plane is ripped apart leaving only one man alive. After hours of swimming he spies an island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores. Though he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of miles from home, he cannot but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on. Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another survivor from the crash. He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life. As she wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is...its Kylie Minogue! Forever grateful to him for saving her life, they strike up an immediate bond, and over the following weeks, while stranded on the island, they fall madly in love. One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new found love sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of sorrow on his face. She wanders over to him, and asks what is wrong. "Kylie," he says, "The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life. We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we could require, and I have you, but still I can't help feeling there's something missing." Kylie replies: "What my darling? What is it that you need? I'll do anything". "Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt?" "OK" "And my trousers?" "OK" At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and draws a neat moustache on her lips. "OK... Can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off the other way and meet you half way." "OK dear, whatever will make you happy?" So off they set. After an hour walking he eventually sees her heading towards him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint, runs up to her, grabs her by the shoulders and shouts: "Hey mate, you won't believe who I'm shagging'!! __________________ Sex is the question, yes is always the answer .... fucking everywhere you go!

07-01-2006, 06:49 AM	#49
gooddomains Too lazy to set a custom title Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Netherlands Posts: 10,127	fucking hillarious