This Was Not Written by John Cleese - GoFuckYourself.com

Paul Waters · 12-20-2005, 05:13 PM

as the person circulating it claims. But it is funny, so WTF:

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminum," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise." You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called "Come-Uppance Day."

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline") -roughly $8/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.

10. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of proper football; you call it "soccer." Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due backdated to 1776.

Thank you for your co-operation.

Tipsy · 12-20-2005, 05:55 PM

Sadly the humour in that post will be lost on many

je_rome · 12-20-2005, 06:11 PM

that part about English actors cracked me up.

Lord Aga · 12-20-2005, 06:30 PM

lolol fucking funny!

u-Bob · 12-20-2005, 06:57 PM

lol

The Other Steve · 12-21-2005, 03:16 AM

And we Aussies will start bootlegging genuine Australian beer into the country formerly known as the United States - no longer will our American cousins be forced to drink the horse piss that's marketed under the Fosters label.

Paul Waters · 12-21-2005, 05:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Other Steve

And we Aussies will start bootlegging genuine Australian beer into the country formerly known as the United States - no longer will our American cousins be forced to drink the horse piss that's marketed under the Fosters label.

I would like to try a real Foster's some day.

Sarah_Jayne · 12-21-2005, 05:10 AM

Clease more of less lives in the states anyway but I still giggled the first time I read it.

Manowar · 12-21-2005, 05:11 AM

hahah that rules

who · 12-21-2005, 05:34 AM

If only it were real.

Project-Shadow · 12-21-2005, 05:41 AM

ROFL at #11.
I have yet to try real fosters, I think the closest i've come is the import which I believe is about 7%. Kangaroo piss for all. :D

Abithefiend · 12-21-2005, 06:17 AM

Hahaha first giggle i've had all morning!

Screaming · 12-21-2005, 06:51 AM

no humor at all

Wiggles · 12-21-2005, 07:50 AM

haha that was great, i could see John Cleese writing that.

MattOT · 12-21-2005, 08:10 AM

hehehehe that was very funny

12-20-2005, 05:55 PM	#2
Tipsy Confirmed User Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: See sig Posts: 6,989	Sadly the humour in that post will be lost on many __________________ Ignorance is never bliss.

12-20-2005, 06:11 PM	#3
je_rome Confirmed User Join Date: Jul 2005 Posts: 6,846	that part about English actors cracked me up. __________________ Make money on any traffic. Join KlikRevenue.com Today!

12-21-2005, 03:16 AM	#6
The Other Steve Confirmed User Join Date: Dec 2001 Location: Sunny Queensland - perfect one day and better the next. Posts: 2,106	And we Aussies will start bootlegging genuine Australian beer into the country formerly known as the United States - no longer will our American cousins be forced to drink the horse piss that's marketed under the Fosters label. __________________ Left intentionally blank ... just like my brain

12-21-2005, 06:51 AM	#13
Screaming I can change this!!!!! Join Date: Feb 2004 Posts: 18,972	no humor at all __________________

12-21-2005, 07:50 AM	#14
Wiggles Too lazy to set a custom title Join Date: May 2004 Posts: 14,423	haha that was great, i could see John Cleese writing that. __________________ no sig

12-20-2005, 05:13 PM	#1
Paul Waters Confirmed User Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Toronto, Ontario Posts: 4,402	This Was Not Written by John Cleese as the person circulating it claims. But it is funny, so WTF: To the citizens of the United States of America: In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminum," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise." You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. 2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize." 3. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above). 4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called "Come-Uppance Day." 5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. 6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. 7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. 8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline") -roughly $8/US gallon. Get used to it. 9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar. 10. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers. 11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. 12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. 13. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of proper football; you call it "soccer." Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. 14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. 15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due backdated to 1776. Thank you for your co-operation. __________________ Paul

12-20-2005, 06:30 PM	#4
Lord Aga Confirmed User Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 479	lolol fucking funny!

12-20-2005, 06:57 PM	#5
u-Bob there's no $$$ in porn Industry Role: Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: icq: 195./568.-230 (btw: not getting offline msgs) Posts: 33,063	lol

12-21-2005, 05:10 AM	#8
Sarah_Jayne Now with more Jayne Industry Role: Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Los Angeles Posts: 40,077	Clease more of less lives in the states anyway but I still giggled the first time I read it.

12-21-2005, 05:11 AM	#9
Manowar jellyfish Join Date: Dec 2003 Posts: 71,528	hahah that rules

12-21-2005, 05:34 AM	#10
who So Fucking Banned Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: ICQ #23642053 Posts: 19,593	If only it were real.

12-21-2005, 05:41 AM	#11
Project-Shadow Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Feb 2003 Posts: 7,340	ROFL at #11. I have yet to try real fosters, I think the closest i've come is the import which I believe is about 7%. Kangaroo piss for all. :D

12-21-2005, 06:17 AM	#12
Abithefiend Confirmed User Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Jim's my daddy Posts: 756	Hahaha first giggle i've had all morning!

12-21-2005, 08:10 AM	#15
MattOT Confirmed User Join Date: Nov 2005 Posts: 901	hehehehe that was very funny __________________ Matt www.onlytease.com / www.onlymelanie.com / www.onlycarla.com/ Sponsor program at www.otcash.com ICQ: 235015328