Halloween Jokes (try to not boo too much) - GoFuckYourself.com

AsianDivaGirlsWebDude · 10-29-2005, 05:34 PM

All eyes turned to stare as a gorgeous blonde walked into the costume party stark naked.

The alarmed host rushed to intercept her. "Where's your costume?" he hissed through clenched teeth.

"This is it," she calmly explained. "I came as Adam."

"Adam?" her host exploded. "You don't even have a d***!"

"Oh, I just got here," she replied. "Give me a few minutes..."

-----

Q: Why don't witches wear panties?
A: They get a better grip on their brooms.

-----

Little Johnny is dressed as a pirate for Halloween.

He knocks on the door of a house and a lady answers. She says "Well, well little boy, what are you supposed to be?"

Little Johnny says "I am a pirate."

She says "Well where are your buccaneers?"

"Right here under my bucken hat," replies Little Johnny

-----

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" He asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" The bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"

-----

Three vampires walk into a bar. The waitress comes up to them and asks them what they'll have?

The first vampire says, (Transylvanian accent inferred) "I'll have a glass of O Positive."

The second vampire says, "I'll have a glass of AB Negative."ha

The third vampire says, "I'm the designated driver. I'll just have a glass of plasma."

The waitress turns toward the bartender and yells,

"Gimme two bloods and one blood lite!"

-----

A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
1) you have to be single and
2) you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun says, "O.K., pull into the next alley."

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Richard and I'm on my way to a Halloween Party."

-----

Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need." "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor confronted him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?'

-----

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party.

He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note.ha

"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate."

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says:ha"Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part."

Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a scathing letter of complaint.

The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads:ha "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel.

Pour the jar of caramel over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a Candy Apple!"

-----

Two vampires walk into a bar and the first one orders a cup of blood. The second one orders a warm glass of water. The first one asks,"How come you didn't order a cup of blood?" The second one pulls out a used tampoon and says, "I'm having tea!"

-----

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music.

No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770 1827.

Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward!

Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed.

This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.

When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward.

The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.

Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Don't you get it?" The caretaker says incredulously.. . . "He's decomposing!"

ADG Webmaster

Ice · 10-29-2005, 05:37 PM

Spunky · 10-29-2005, 05:38 PM

Lol..that was pretty good

PixeLs · 10-29-2005, 07:30 PM

Holy shit, nice halloween present there man.

10-29-2005, 05:34 PM	#1
AsianDivaGirlsWebDude Purveyor, Fine Asian Porn Industry Role: Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: San Francisco Bay Area Posts: 38,323	Halloween Jokes (try to not boo too much) All eyes turned to stare as a gorgeous blonde walked into the costume party stark naked. The alarmed host rushed to intercept her. "Where's your costume?" he hissed through clenched teeth. "This is it," she calmly explained. "I came as Adam." "Adam?" her host exploded. "You don't even have a d*!" "Oh, I just got here," she replied. "Give me a few minutes..." ----- Q: Why don't witches wear panties? A: They get a better grip on their brooms. ----- Little Johnny is dressed as a pirate for Halloween. He knocks on the door of a house and a lady answers. She says "Well, well little boy, what are you supposed to be?" Little Johnny says "I am a pirate." She says "Well where are your buccaneers?" "Right here under my bucken hat," replies Little Johnny ----- A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" He asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" The bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!" ----- Three vampires walk into a bar. The waitress comes up to them and asks them what they'll have? The first vampire says, (Transylvanian accent inferred) "I'll have a glass of O Positive." The second vampire says, "I'll have a glass of AB Negative."ha The third vampire says, "I'm the designated driver. I'll just have a glass of plasma." The waitress turns toward the bartender and yells, "Gimme two bloods and one blood lite!" ----- A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you." She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: 1) you have to be single and 2) you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!" The nun says, "O.K., pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child, why are you crying?" "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Richard and I'm on my way to a Halloween Party." ----- Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday. The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need." "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor confronted him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?' ----- A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note.ha "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate." The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says:ha"Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part." Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a scathing letter of complaint. The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads:ha "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the jar of caramel over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a Candy Apple!" ----- Two vampires walk into a bar and the first one orders a cup of blood. The second one orders a warm glass of water. The first one asks,"How come you didn't order a cup of blood?" The second one pulls out a used tampoon and says, "I'm having tea!" ----- A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770 1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music. "Don't you get it?" The caretaker says incredulously.. . . "He's decomposing!" ADG Webmaster __________________ Asian Diva Girls - Exclusive Photos and Videos Asian Diva Girls Affiliate Program (50% ccBill Revshare)**

10-29-2005, 05:37 PM	#2
Ice Confirmed User Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Sunny California Posts: 26,053	__________________ icq 1904905

10-29-2005, 05:38 PM	#3
Spunky I need a beer Industry Role: Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: ♠ Toiletville ♠ Posts: 133,944	Lol..that was pretty good __________________ *YOUR INFORMATION HERE*

10-29-2005, 07:30 PM	#4
PixeLs Too lazy to set a custom title Join Date: Jul 2005 Posts: 11,922	Holy shit, nice halloween present there man. __________________ Make money on any traffic. Bi-weekly payments with no hold.