Sunday Funnies! - GoFuckYourself.com

BadBrad · 05-22-2005, 11:33 AM

Two jokes to make Sunday a little more enjoyable!

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A 17 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy test. The test is positive. Shouting, swearing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account."

He continues: "If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again..."

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A woman is frustrated with her love life because her husband has a massive crush on Brigitte Bardot. To win back his attentions, she goes to a tattoo artist to have the letters 'BB' tattooed on her boobs.

The tattoo artist warns her that age and gravity would probably make this unattractive later in life, and suggests the tattoo on her butt instead. She agrees, and bends over to receive a 'B' on each buttock.

When her husband gets home from work that night, she greets him by turning around, bending over, and lifting her dress to expose the artwork.

"What do you think?" the wife says.

"Uh, who the hell is Bob?" the husband replies.

FunForOne · 05-22-2005, 11:37 AM

Osama bin Laden has a heart attack and dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

?I don?t know what to do here,? the devil says. ?You?re on my list, but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I?ll tell you what I?m going to do?

I?ve got a couple of people here who weren?t quite as bad as you. I?ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I?ll even let YOU decide who leaves.?

Osama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil led him into the first room.

In it was Manuel Noriega and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

?No,? bin Laden said, ?I don?t think so. I?m not a good swimmer and I don?t think I could do that all day long.?

So the devil led him to the next room. In it was the Ayatollah Khomeini with a sledgehammer and a huge pile of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

?No, I?ve got this problem with my shoulder. I?d be in constant agony if all I did was break rocks all day,? bin Laden commented.

So the devil opened a third door. In it, bin Laden saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was his girl Monica, doing what she does best. Osama bin Laden stared in disbelief and finally said, ?Yeah, I can handle this.?

The devil smiled and said, ?OK, Monica, you?re free to go.?

BadBrad · 05-22-2005, 11:39 AM

Hehe.

Manowar · 05-22-2005, 12:09 PM

Spunky · 05-22-2005, 01:56 PM

Lol..those were good

05-22-2005, 11:33 AM	#1
BadBrad Confirmed User Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Seattle Posts: 618	Sunday Funnies! Two jokes to make Sunday a little more enjoyable! ----- A 17 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy test. The test is positive. Shouting, swearing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account." He continues: "If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again..." ----- A woman is frustrated with her love life because her husband has a massive crush on Brigitte Bardot. To win back his attentions, she goes to a tattoo artist to have the letters 'BB' tattooed on her boobs. The tattoo artist warns her that age and gravity would probably make this unattractive later in life, and suggests the tattoo on her butt instead. She agrees, and bends over to receive a 'B' on each buttock. When her husband gets home from work that night, she greets him by turning around, bending over, and lifting her dress to expose the artwork. "What do you think?" the wife says. "Uh, who the hell is Bob?" the husband replies. __________________ Your sig chose me!

05-22-2005, 11:39 AM	#3
BadBrad Confirmed User Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Seattle Posts: 618	Hehe. __________________ Your sig chose me!

05-22-2005, 01:56 PM	#5
Spunky I need a beer Industry Role: Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: ♠ Toiletville ♠ Posts: 133,961	Lol..those were good __________________ *YOUR INFORMATION HERE*

05-22-2005, 11:37 AM	#2
FunForOne Confirmed User Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: USA Posts: 8,704	Osama bin Laden has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. ?I don?t know what to do here,? the devil says. ?You?re on my list, but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I?ll tell you what I?m going to do? I?ve got a couple of people here who weren?t quite as bad as you. I?ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I?ll even let YOU decide who leaves.? Osama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil led him into the first room. In it was Manuel Noriega and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. ?No,? bin Laden said, ?I don?t think so. I?m not a good swimmer and I don?t think I could do that all day long.? So the devil led him to the next room. In it was the Ayatollah Khomeini with a sledgehammer and a huge pile of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. ?No, I?ve got this problem with my shoulder. I?d be in constant agony if all I did was break rocks all day,? bin Laden commented. So the devil opened a third door. In it, bin Laden saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was his girl Monica, doing what she does best. Osama bin Laden stared in disbelief and finally said, ?Yeah, I can handle this.? The devil smiled and said, ?OK, Monica, you?re free to go.?

05-22-2005, 12:09 PM	#4
Manowar jellyfish Join Date: Dec 2003 Posts: 71,528