Could anyone here help me proof-read my first ever press release? - GoFuckYourself.com

Steen2 · 03-24-2005, 12:53 AM

Hi there,

If you have a background in PR I would be most gracious in taking 3 minutes of your time to proof-read my first ever self-written release before I send it off/submit it.

Could you please reply here w/ ICQ if not in sig/profile if you would like to help me out?

Thanks so much,

Steen.

Steen2 · 03-24-2005, 12:59 AM

Anyone up for the challenge?

Steen2 · 03-24-2005, 01:07 AM

Bump for lucky three.

Stewie · 03-24-2005, 01:07 AM

send it my way... I'll take a look at if for you if you'd like.

Holly · 03-24-2005, 01:19 AM

Just post it here and I'll do it. I can't even turn my ICQ on anymore.

Steen2 · 03-24-2005, 01:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stewie

send it my way... I'll take a look at if for you if you'd like.

Sent, thank you very much.

A second pair of eyes?

AsianDivaGirlsWebDude · 03-24-2005, 01:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Holly

Just post it here and I'll do it. I can't even turn my ICQ on anymore.

Holly seems like a good writer.

Anyway, post it here and those who wish to can give it a chop.

ADG Webmaster

arnette · 03-24-2005, 01:23 AM

243680554
id be more than happy to

Steen2 · 03-24-2005, 01:24 AM

Is 596 words too many for a release?

AsianDivaGirlsWebDude · 03-24-2005, 01:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Steen2

Is 596 words too many for a release?

It depends on what you are saying.

Right now you are seeming lame by not posting the damn release already for people to comment on. Hopefully the release is less lame.

ADG Webmaster

Steen2 · 03-24-2005, 01:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AsianDivaGirlsWebDude

It depends on what you are saying.

Right now you are seeming lame by not posting the damn release already for people to comment on. Hopefully the release is less lame.

ADG Webmaster

Ok Ok,

I wanted to privately show the HTML version but if you insist on posting it here, I will.

Italic, bold and spacing may be off.

If you would like to further help, please lmk and I will show off the HTML version.

Steen2 · 03-24-2005, 01:33 AM

Media Release

Contact:
W7 Media Inc.
Phone: +1 (6*4) 537-****
Email: ***@*7.com

March 23rd, 2005
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

freePlaystations.com banks on giving away new Playstation Portable (PSP)

New website, freePlaystations.com has added the just released Sony Playstation Portable to its line of free products obtained via referrals. Members are encouraged to signup for a free trial offer of their choice and refer their friends in order to receive a free Playstation product of their choice. W7 Media, owners of freePlaystations.com expect membership levels to rise dramatically in the coming weeks, as Playstation Portable is introduced for the first time to the North American Market.

(Vancouver, British Columbia) - This week W7 Media, has just added the highly anticipated gaming system from Sony; Playstation Portable to their latest website: freePlaystations.com. The system is due for release March 24th, and so far, the response has been very positive. By completing a free trial offer with a partnered website, and making five referrals, freePlaystations.com is able to provide high end Playstation products at no direct cost to the consumer.

Operating Officer at W7 Media Inc. (owners of freePlaystations.com); Steen Hof has commented "Adding the new Playstation Portable system is a win-win for our partners and the consumers!" He continues "By completing our easy process consumers can obtain a product that will be retailing for over $400 at no cost to themselves." The website works on incentive based viral marketing, providing sponsors with valuable consumer leads and data while consumers can get a free Playstation product for their participation.

Prior to the addition of the Playstation Portable, freePlaystation.com's most popular selection was the Playstation 2, although game bundles and gift certificates are also offered. "Soon after adding the PSP, we knew that the demand was going to be huge" says Hof. "This is going to be a win-win situation for everyone." The company already has units on preorder, reserved for their members, but W7 Media is looking to substantially increase their reserves. "Currently, we have enough reserved to provide all our completed members with their earned PSP, however we are going to need to guarantee larger quantities for our future members, as the current member base is bound to increase exponentially."

Members are required to first complete an offer of their choice, including Blockbuster Online trials, Video Professor and Vonage. Most offers will not be of any cost to the consumer; however some do require a credit card and/or a small trial fee. After the consumer completes their chosen offer, they are required to refer five friends to do the same. Once the five friends have completed their offers, the consumer can expect a Playstation Portable in the mail, shipped free, respectively.

freePlaystations.com is not the first to offer such a service. There are other competing websites offering iPods, flat screens and TV sets. "I feel that our relationship to both our partners and members will ensure our long term success with this venture" says W7 Media's Operating Officer. "Being able to open our doors to international countries, unlike our competitors, will certainly give us an edge."

About W7 Media Inc.
W7 Media is a digital investment firm, specializing in intellectual property, however recent ventures in the consumer leads, data and media purchasing business have been made. Further information, including contacts can be obtained from the corporate website at www.W7.com.

###

Media Contact: W7 Media Inc.
Phone: +1 (6*4) 537-****
Email: C***@***.com
Website: http://www.W7.com

This release may be used freely if unaltered from original state, unless permission is granted via writing from W7 Media Inc.

Steen2 · 03-24-2005, 01:49 AM

"Prior to the addition of the Playstation Portable, freePlaystation.com's most popular"

Typo found. Domain name mis-typed :|

(Thanks Ash!)

The Other Steve · 03-24-2005, 01:58 AM

You want a headline that will grab people by the nuts and force them to read it - at the moment your headline made me yawn and think

"oh no - not another one,"

Steen2 · 03-24-2005, 02:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Other Steve

You want a headline that will grab people by the nuts and force them to read it - at the moment your headline made me yawn and think

"oh no - not another one,"

Is this better?

freePlaystations.com offers members new Playstation Portable (PSP)

The Other Steve · 03-24-2005, 02:19 AM

No - size is not the important thing here - wording is - you have about 2 seconds max in which to get someone to read a press release so you want something that catches the eye, gains peoples interest and makes them want to read.

If you want to bounce some ideas off me then hit me up on 211 172 496

But be warned, I've just had a tooth out and I'm not a happy camper .... but then there are people who would tell you that I'm always grumpy

AsianDivaGirlsWebDude · 03-24-2005, 02:21 AM

As I expected the press release was fine (although verbose - a common occurance in overt marketing pieces).

The problem I had was with the program:

Quote:

2. After signup, you have two steps to complete. We encourage members to complete their own offer first.

a) Each member is required to complete one "offer" supplied within the Freeplaystations.com members area. The offers range from AOL trials to Discover Card Platinum signups.

b) Each member must also refer five friends to become a member of Freeplaystations.com. The referrals will also be required to complete on offer. You are able to refer members to Freeplaystations.com by using your supplied referral link, found in the members area. Each account created by under your referral will be tracked in order to give you credit for the referrals you make.

I dislike MLM (multi-level marketing) scams.

ADG Webmaster

Holly · 03-24-2005, 02:25 AM

Media Release

Contact:
W7 Media Inc.
Phone: +1 (604) 537-6827
Email: [email protected]

March 23rd, 2005
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

freePlaystations.com banks on giving away new Playstation Portable (PSP)

New website, freePlaystations.com, has added the just released Sony Playstation Portable to its line of free products available via referrals. Members are encouraged to choose and sign-up for a free trial offer. They may then refer their friends and become eligible to receive a free Playstation product of their choice. W7 Media, owners of freePlaystations.com, expects membership levels to rise dramatically in the coming weeks, as Playstation Portable is introduced for the first time to the North American Market.

(Vancouver, British Columbia) - This week W7 Media has just added the highly anticipated gaming system from Sony, Playstation Portable, to their latest website: freePlaystations.com. The system is due for release March 24, 2005, and so far the response has been very positive. By completing a free trial offer with a partnered website, and making five referrals, freePlaystations.com is able to provide high end Playstation products at no direct cost to the consumer.

Operating Officer at W7 Media Inc. (owners of freePlaystations.com), Steen Hof, has commented, "Adding the new Playstation Portable system is a win-win for our partners and the consumers! By completing our easy process, consumers can obtain a product that will be retailing for over $400, at no cost to themselves." The website works on incentive based viral marketing, providing sponsors with valuable consumer leads and data, while consumers can get a free Playstation product for their participation.

Prior to the addition of the Playstation Portable, freePlaystation.com's most popular selection was the Playstation 2, although game bundles and gift certificates were also offered. "Soon after adding the PSP, we knew that the demand was going to be huge", says Hof. "This is going to be a win-win situation for everyone." The company already has units on pre-order and reserved for their members, but W7 Media is looking to substantially increase their reserves. "Currently, we have enough reserved to provide all our completed members with their earned PSP. However, we are going to need to guarantee larger quantities for our future members, as the current member base is bound to increase exponentially."

Members are required to first complete an offer of their choice, such as Blockbuster Online trials, Video Professor, or Vonage. Most offers will not be of any cost to the consumer, but some will require a credit card and/or a small trial fee. After the consumer completes their chosen offer, they are required to refer five friends to do the same. Once the five friends have completed their offers, the consumer can expect a Playstation Portable in the mail, shipped for free.

freePlaystations.com is not the first to offer such a service. There are other competing websites offering iPods, flat screens, and TV sets. "I feel that our relationships with both our partners and members will ensure our long term success with this venture", says Hof. "Being able to open our doors to international countries, unlike our competitors, will certainly give us an edge."

About W7 Media Inc.
W7 Media is a digital investment firm specializing in intellectual property, and more recently, pursuing ventures in the consumer leads, data, and media purchasing businesses. Further information, including contacts, can be obtained from the corporate website at www.W7.com.

###

Media Contact: W7 Media Inc.
Phone: +1 (604) 537-6827
Email: [email protected]
Website: http://www.W7.com

This release may be used freely if unaltered from original state, unless permission is granted via writing from W7 Media Inc.

I made various changes. It really could be scaled down. You're saying the same thing over and over again, several times. The domain in red is not right, either.

Steen2 · 03-24-2005, 02:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AsianDivaGirlsWebDude

As I expected the press release was fine (although verbose - a common occurance in overt marketing pieces).

The problem I had was with the program:

I dislike MLM (multi-level marketing) scams.

ADG Webmaster

We can argue about MLM and pyramids all night.
People defend these sites as non pyramid, others just won't have it.

The thread is about a good press release, not how horrible MLM is

Your comments are appreciated!

Stewie · 03-24-2005, 02:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Steen2

Sent, thank you very much.

A second pair of eyes?

Just sent you back my version... Hope it helps. Looks like you are getting lots of good suggestions here too.

jeffs · 03-24-2005, 02:41 AM

Quote:

be huge", says Hof

The comma should be inside the quote.

Quote:

After the consumer completes their chosen offer, they are required to refer five friends to do the same.

After the consumer completes his or her chosen offer, he or she is required to refer five friends to do the same.

Holly · 03-24-2005, 02:51 AM

I'm going to bed. Guess I'll say "you're welcome," since you obviously aren't going to say "thank you."

Steen2 · 03-24-2005, 02:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Holly

I'm going to bed. Guess I'll say "you're welcome," since you obviously aren't going to say "thank you."

My apologies.

Your help is very much appreciated, and I am going over all comments right now. I was too busy talking about MLM and such, I missed you input. It won't go to waste, and again, I am very grateful.

the Shemp · 03-24-2005, 02:59 AM

-- 30 --

Steen2 · 03-24-2005, 03:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by the Shemp

-- 30 --

gracias, and fixed.

03-24-2005, 12:53 AM	#1
Steen2 Confirmed User Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Vancouver, Canada Posts: 7,662	Could anyone here help me proof-read my first ever press release? Hi there, If you have a background in PR I would be most gracious in taking 3 minutes of your time to proof-read my first ever self-written release before I send it off/submit it. Could you please reply here w/ ICQ if not in sig/profile if you would like to help me out? Thanks so much, Steen. __________________ ICQ: 2262.73945

03-24-2005, 12:59 AM	#2
Steen2 Confirmed User Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Vancouver, Canada Posts: 7,662	Anyone up for the challenge? __________________ ICQ: 2262.73945

03-24-2005, 01:07 AM	#3
Steen2 Confirmed User Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Vancouver, Canada Posts: 7,662	Bump for lucky three. __________________ ICQ: 2262.73945

03-24-2005, 01:19 AM	#5
Holly Too lazy to set a custom title Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Jesusland Posts: 10,017	Just post it here and I'll do it. I can't even turn my ICQ on anymore. __________________ War National Damn Champions Eagle

03-24-2005, 01:24 AM	#9
Steen2 Confirmed User Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Vancouver, Canada Posts: 7,662	Is 596 words too many for a release? __________________ ICQ: 2262.73945

03-24-2005, 01:07 AM	#4
Stewie Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: In bed with Vanilla Posts: 3,670	send it my way... I'll take a look at if for you if you'd like.

03-24-2005, 01:23 AM	#8
arnette Confirmed User Join Date: Feb 2005 Posts: 283	243680554 id be more than happy to

03-24-2005, 01:33 AM	#12
Steen2 Confirmed User Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Vancouver, Canada Posts: 7,662	Media Release Contact: W7 Media Inc. Phone: +1 (64) 537-* Email: @7.com March 23rd, 2005 FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE freePlaystations.com banks on giving away new Playstation Portable (PSP) New website, freePlaystations.com has added the just released Sony Playstation Portable to its line of free products obtained via referrals. Members are encouraged to signup for a free trial offer of their choice and refer their friends in order to receive a free Playstation product of their choice. W7 Media, owners of freePlaystations.com expect membership levels to rise dramatically in the coming weeks, as Playstation Portable is introduced for the first time to the North American Market. (Vancouver, British Columbia) - This week W7 Media, has just added the highly anticipated gaming system from Sony; Playstation Portable to their latest website: freePlaystations.com. The system is due for release March 24th, and so far, the response has been very positive. By completing a free trial offer with a partnered website, and making five referrals, freePlaystations.com is able to provide high end Playstation products at no direct cost to the consumer. Operating Officer at W7 Media Inc. (owners of freePlaystations.com); Steen Hof has commented "Adding the new Playstation Portable system is a win-win for our partners and the consumers!" He continues "By completing our easy process consumers can obtain a product that will be retailing for over $400 at no cost to themselves." The website works on incentive based viral marketing, providing sponsors with valuable consumer leads and data while consumers can get a free Playstation product for their participation. Prior to the addition of the Playstation Portable, freePlaystation.com's most popular selection was the Playstation 2, although game bundles and gift certificates are also offered. "Soon after adding the PSP, we knew that the demand was going to be huge" says Hof. "This is going to be a win-win situation for everyone." The company already has units on preorder, reserved for their members, but W7 Media is looking to substantially increase their reserves. "Currently, we have enough reserved to provide all our completed members with their earned PSP, however we are going to need to guarantee larger quantities for our future members, as the current member base is bound to increase exponentially." Members are required to first complete an offer of their choice, including Blockbuster Online trials, Video Professor and Vonage. Most offers will not be of any cost to the consumer; however some do require a credit card and/or a small trial fee. After the consumer completes their chosen offer, they are required to refer five friends to do the same. Once the five friends have completed their offers, the consumer can expect a Playstation Portable in the mail, shipped free, respectively. freePlaystations.com is not the first to offer such a service. There are other competing websites offering iPods, flat screens and TV sets. "I feel that our relationship to both our partners and members will ensure our long term success with this venture" says W7 Media's Operating Officer. "Being able to open our doors to international countries, unlike our competitors, will certainly give us an edge." About W7 Media Inc. W7 Media is a digital investment firm, specializing in intellectual property, however recent ventures in the consumer leads, data and media purchasing business have been made. Further information, including contacts can be obtained from the corporate website at www.W7.com. ### Media Contact: W7 Media Inc. Phone: +1 (64) 537-* Email: C@*.com Website: http://www.W7.com This release may be used freely if unaltered from original state, unless permission is granted via writing from W7 Media Inc. __________________ ICQ: 2262.73945 Last edited by Steen2; 03-24-2005 at 01:35 AM..*

03-24-2005, 01:49 AM	#13
Steen2 Confirmed User Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Vancouver, Canada Posts: 7,662	"Prior to the addition of the Playstation Portable, freePlaystation.com's most popular" Typo found. Domain name mis-typed :\| (Thanks Ash!) __________________ ICQ: 2262.73945

03-24-2005, 01:58 AM	#14
The Other Steve Confirmed User Join Date: Dec 2001 Location: Sunny Queensland - perfect one day and better the next. Posts: 2,106	You want a headline that will grab people by the nuts and force them to read it - at the moment your headline made me yawn and think "oh no - not another one," __________________ Left intentionally blank ... just like my brain

03-24-2005, 02:19 AM	#16
The Other Steve Confirmed User Join Date: Dec 2001 Location: Sunny Queensland - perfect one day and better the next. Posts: 2,106	No - size is not the important thing here - wording is - you have about 2 seconds max in which to get someone to read a press release so you want something that catches the eye, gains peoples interest and makes them want to read. If you want to bounce some ideas off me then hit me up on 211 172 496 But be warned, I've just had a tooth out and I'm not a happy camper .... but then there are people who would tell you that I'm always grumpy __________________ Left intentionally blank ... just like my brain

03-24-2005, 02:25 AM	#18
Holly Too lazy to set a custom title Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Jesusland Posts: 10,017	Media Release Contact: W7 Media Inc. Phone: +1 (604) 537-6827 Email: [email protected] March 23rd, 2005 FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE freePlaystations.com banks on giving away new Playstation Portable (PSP) New website, freePlaystations.com, has added the just released Sony Playstation Portable to its line of free products available via referrals. Members are encouraged to choose and sign-up for a free trial offer. They may then refer their friends and become eligible to receive a free Playstation product of their choice. W7 Media, owners of freePlaystations.com, expects membership levels to rise dramatically in the coming weeks, as Playstation Portable is introduced for the first time to the North American Market. (Vancouver, British Columbia) - This week W7 Media has just added the highly anticipated gaming system from Sony, Playstation Portable, to their latest website: freePlaystations.com. The system is due for release March 24, 2005, and so far the response has been very positive. By completing a free trial offer with a partnered website, and making five referrals, freePlaystations.com is able to provide high end Playstation products at no direct cost to the consumer. Operating Officer at W7 Media Inc. (owners of freePlaystations.com), Steen Hof, has commented, "Adding the new Playstation Portable system is a win-win for our partners and the consumers! By completing our easy process, consumers can obtain a product that will be retailing for over $400, at no cost to themselves." The website works on incentive based viral marketing, providing sponsors with valuable consumer leads and data, while consumers can get a free Playstation product for their participation. Prior to the addition of the Playstation Portable, freePlaystation.com's most popular selection was the Playstation 2, although game bundles and gift certificates were also offered. "Soon after adding the PSP, we knew that the demand was going to be huge", says Hof. "This is going to be a win-win situation for everyone." The company already has units on pre-order and reserved for their members, but W7 Media is looking to substantially increase their reserves. "Currently, we have enough reserved to provide all our completed members with their earned PSP. However, we are going to need to guarantee larger quantities for our future members, as the current member base is bound to increase exponentially." Members are required to first complete an offer of their choice, such as Blockbuster Online trials, Video Professor, or Vonage. Most offers will not be of any cost to the consumer, but some will require a credit card and/or a small trial fee. After the consumer completes their chosen offer, they are required to refer five friends to do the same. Once the five friends have completed their offers, the consumer can expect a Playstation Portable in the mail, shipped for free. freePlaystations.com is not the first to offer such a service. There are other competing websites offering iPods, flat screens, and TV sets. "I feel that our relationships with both our partners and members will ensure our long term success with this venture", says Hof. "Being able to open our doors to international countries, unlike our competitors, will certainly give us an edge." About W7 Media Inc. W7 Media is a digital investment firm specializing in intellectual property, and more recently, pursuing ventures in the consumer leads, data, and media purchasing businesses. Further information, including contacts, can be obtained from the corporate website at www.W7.com. ### Media Contact: W7 Media Inc. Phone: +1 (604) 537-6827 Email: [email protected] Website: http://www.W7.com This release may be used freely if unaltered from original state, unless permission is granted via writing from W7 Media Inc. I made various changes. It really could be scaled down. You're saying the same thing over and over again, several times. The domain in red is not right, either. __________________ War National Damn Champions Eagle

03-24-2005, 02:51 AM	#22
Holly Too lazy to set a custom title Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Jesusland Posts: 10,017	I'm going to bed. Guess I'll say "you're welcome," since you obviously aren't going to say "thank you." __________________ War National Damn Champions Eagle

03-24-2005, 02:59 AM	#24
the Shemp congrats to the winners Industry Role: Join Date: Nov 2001 Location: Echo Beach Posts: 10,891	-- 30 -- __________________ i use Vacares...so should you Submit your picture galleries to my site...Outlaw TGP