TheGarbageMan

LOSE the shorts and necktie. So say those who'd make SpongeBob SquarePants a manlier, more John Wayne kind of sponge.


Their advice comes after James Dobson, president of the conservative group Focus on the Family - irked by Bob's tendency to hold hands with his starfish friend, Patrick - claimed the sociable sponge was spreading "a gay agenda" to porous little minds, who might perhaps be moved to redecorate their playpens.

Whether or not you think SpongeBob is gay (and we'll never really know unless he's caught with Patrick in more compromising positions than holding hands), it's clear he has an image problem. Those long eyelashes, short pants and cherub cheeks hardly shout manly man.

Style experts have some definite ideas for making the mild-mannered sponge a tough, more Brillo-pad-like guy.

"I don't think SpongeBob is gay, but SpongeBob TIGHTPants is gay," declared Robert Verdi, lifestyle expert and host of the E! network's "Fashion Police."

"Right now, he's wearing tube socks, platform shoes and a tie. He's got this '50s meets '70s look going on, and the shorts definitely make him look gay ...

"I'd put him in a pair of Timberlands, an LL Bean flannel shirt and a pair of Diesel jeans."

Top it off with a Yankees cap - "being a sports fanatic would help" - and you're nearly there. Almost.

"He's gotta lose Patrick," said Verdi, tongue firmly in cheek. "Pat's a metrosexual and, well, if any of your friends make you look gay, you shouldn't have them around."

Turning Bob's home of Bikini Bottom into an undersea Hooters might help, too, Verdi said. "And you just might want to have him at a NASCAR event."

Bruce Pask, style director of the men's shopping magazine Cargo, sees SpongeBob's dilemma as "less a straight vs. a gay thing and more like childlike vs. manly."

"He's wearing a school uniform, basically," Pask says. "Let's put him in pants and help him stay true to his name."

Pask favors jeans - preferably darker and stonewashed.

"And lose the necktie," Pask adds. A long-sleeved, open-neck shirt would be more in keeping with a manlier sponge.

He stopped short of suggesting a 5 o'clock shadow:

"That might be a little disturbing on a sponge," he said, with a shudder.

Drinking beer directly from the can would certainly up SpongeBob's butch quotient, said Ted Allen, the resident food and wine expert at Bravo's "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy."


"Ditch the canapes and French food, and have SpongeBob eat more hamburgers and cold pizza," he said.

Even so, Allen wondered whether SpongeBob would pass as a metrosexual, let alone homosexual.

"Looking at him closely, he's only got two teeth and a kind of pebbly face. I think Dobson needs to do a little more research."

Finally, since gestures say so much, The Post asked Patti Wood, a body-language expert, how the sponge could straighten up his act.

"SpongeBob should watch old John Wayne movies and see how he holds his arms away from his body - very manly and macho," she said.

Looking or staring more aggressively would also make him more of a He Sponge, she said. And he shouldn't smile nearly as much.

"What I find fascinating," Wood added, "is that what's feminine is also perceived as more friendly, while what's masculine is perceived as strong or aggressive."

SpongeBob's creator, she says, was "probably after a friendlier, but not necessarily feminine sponge."

"It's a sponge, for crying out loud," protested a spokesman for SpongeBob's home station, Nickelodeon. "He has no sexuality."

Indeed. But should the world need a rougher, tougher sponge, this would be the way to go.

Remember, kids, appearnce is everything. It's ok to be gay, just don't look gay. If George W Bush has taught us anything, it's that.

Posted by Nyx at 04:58 PM | TrackBack (0)
Guess they never heard of the BangBus
Yahoo! News - The Porn Tape on the Bus Goes Round and Round...

ATHENS (Reuters) - A bus driver shuttling pupils to school in northern Greece shocked their parents when he put on a porn tape, officials said on Thursday.


The incident on Tuesday in the town of Kilkis prompted dozens of complaints by parents who have asked the bus company to fire him.

"The driver said 'kids we've got porn, do you want to watch it'," one of the pupils told reporters. "Everyone started shouting yes, yes and he just put in a tape and we watched it on the small TV screens on the bus."

The children were aged 12 to 15.

The bus company will meet on Friday to decide what action to take against the driver, local government officials said.

Posted by Nyx at 04:54 PM | TrackBack (0)
Moan Tones
Yahoo! News - Gives New Meaning to 'Phone Sex'

NEW YORK (Reuters) - This is one cellphone you might not want to set to "High & Vibrate."


Porn star Jenna Jameson is now hawking her "moan tones."

For $2.50 fans of the ubiquitous porno queen can choose from a variety of moans, grunts and lurid sexual noises all recorded by the blond bombshell.

If that's not enough, Jameson will talk dirty to you when you phones rings, in English or Spanish.

Jameson, who recently wrote a best-selling memoir, has launched the venture with Wicked Wireless, a mobile music and entertainment company.

Also available are color pictures of the porn star posing naked that can be displayed on your phone for $2.99.

"Rock stars make music tones, porn stars make moan tones," said Dennis Adamo, head of Wicked Wireless. "We thought it would be an interesting novel approach of introducing new content to the mobile users."

Jameson's charms are already being downloaded in Argentina, Ecuador, Venezuela, and in a couple of weeks will be available from Mexico to Uruguay.

Latin American users can download a moan or a picture for $1.00 each, while U.S. customers will pay $2.50 for a moan and $2.99 for a wallpaper once the service is launched.

Some people were shocked, but others said they wanted more from the product.

"If you can get her to say my name then I would buy it. I need that kind of personal attention," said New Yorker Julian McCullough.

U.S. users will have to wait to get Jameson on their phones as no mobile carriers in the United States have expressed any interest in carrying the service.