we all love itttttttttt

another bump :glugglug

I think I will post whore for a bit

I am sure I can find a few jokes to post

Milking it!


The sky was dark,
The moon was high,
All alone just she and I.

Her hair was soft,
Her eyes were blue,
I knew just what
She wanted to do.

Her skin so soft,
Her legs so fine.
I ran my fingers
Down her spine.

I didn't know how
But I tried my best.
I started by placing
My hands on her breast.

I remember my fear,
My fast beating heart.
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.

And when I did it,
I felt no shame.
All at once
The white stuff came.

At last it's finished.
It's all over now.
My first time ever,
At milking a cow.

Play through


Two strangers are having a painfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them manage to hit into every bunker, water hazard and piece of rough on the course, and never wave the men through.

After two hours, one man says, I'm asking those girls to let us play through. He walks out to the fairway, gets halfway to the ladies, stops, turns around and comes back.

I can't do it, he says. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress! You go.

So the second man walks toward the ladies, gets halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stops, turns around and walks back.

Smiling sheepishly he says, Small world.

Nice looking contest

Newlyweds


A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks.

The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"

She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc...

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop ... but at the bar ... you know ... they have frozen glasses ..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvre's that are really delicious ... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvre's, poochi pooh?"

She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvre's: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey ... at the bar ... you know ... there's swearing, dirty words and all that."

The wife replied, "You want dirty words, cutie pie? ... "LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHER FUCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"

... and, they lived happily ever after.

Its a good contest with great prizes, now if more people would post it could be a great contest, with great prizes

Sandwiches


A teenage couple went to the guy's house and wanted to have sex.

They go into the guy's bedroom and got on the top bunk. His brother is on the bottom bunk so they decided to use code words; lettuce for harder and tomato for faster.

So they're saying lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato etc...

The brother wakes up and says "Would you guys stop making sandwiches? You're getting mayonnaise all over my face!"

Turned to stone


Three boys are playing outside just after dark, when one of them noticed a light on in a window.

Billy says to Johnnie and Joey: "Let's take a peek!"

They look in the window and see a pretty woman undressing.

Suddenly, Johnnie runs away and the other boys can't find him.

The next day, Billy and Joey see Johnnie and ask: "Why'd you run away, you some kind of faggot or something?"

Johnnie replies: "No, my mother told me that if I ever do anything naughty, say anything naughty or even LOOK at anything naughty, God would turn me into stone. Well, when I looked in that window I started to get hard, so I ran away!"

Harrassment


A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why.

The supervisor is puzzled by this and says, "What's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "He's a midget!"

Complete coverage


Two men are in a doctor's office.

Each of them are to get a vasectomy...the nurse comes into the room and tells both men, "Strip and put on these gowns before going in to see the doctor to have your procedures done."

A few minutes later she returns and reaches into one man's gown and proceeds to fondle and ultimately begins to masturbate him.

Shocked as he was, he asks "Why are you doing that?"

To which she replies, "We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure."

The man not wanting to be a problem and enjoying it, allows her to complete her task.

After she is through, she proceeds to the next man.. She starts to fondle the man as she had the previous man, but then drops to her knees and proceeds to give him oral sex.

The first man seeing this quickly responds, "Hey! Why is it that I get masturbated and he gets a blow job?"

The nurse simply replies, "Sir, there is a difference between HMO and Complete Coverage.

Good bad & the ugly


Good: You're pregnant.

Bad: It's triplets.

Ugly: Your husband had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good: Your husband is not talking to you.

Bad: He wants a divorce.

Ugly: He's a lawyer.

Good: Your son is finally maturing.

Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.

Ugly: So are you.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.

Bad: You find several pornographic movies hidden there.

Ugly: You're in them.

Good: You give "the birds and the bees" talk to your 14-year-old daughter.

Bad: She keeps interrupting.

Ugly: With corrections.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.

Bad: He's a cross-dresser.

Ugly: He looks better than you.

Daughter comes home pregnant

Mom:

Didn't I tell you if any guy touches your boobs say "don't" and if he touches your pussy say "stop"?

Blonde Daughter:

But mom, he touched both so I said "don't stop"

Feel like a woman


On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails.

Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says.

He was gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."

A kid had been fooling around with fireworks in his back yard. He ran in through the back door loudly proclaiming, " Mum, Mum, I just stuck a Roman Candle up a duck's ass"

His mother, dismayed with this turn of phrase corrects the child. "Rectum dear, rectum."

The boy responded, "Wrecked 'im? Nearly blew his fucking head off!"

Mr. Perkins, the biology teacher at a posh girl's school, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this."

With that she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question.

Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your homework.

Two, you have a dirty mind.

And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

An old man and his wife go boating on the river one day. When they reach a fork in the river, the man asks his wife, "Up or down?"

His wife immediately takes off all her clothes and they spend the rest of the afternoon making love in the boat.

The next week they again go boating on the river. When they reach the fork in the river, the man again asks his wife, "Up or down?" But this time she merely answers, "Down."

Puzzled, the man asks her why she took off all her clothes and made love to him when he asked her the same question before.

She replies that last week she wasn't wearing her hearing aid and thought he said "Fuck or drown."

Preacher and Cabbie

After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed that a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he. I don't understand, he complained to Saint Peter. I devoted my entire life to my congregation.

Our policy here in Heaven is to reward results, Saint Peter explained. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?

Well, the minister had to admit, some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time.

Exactly, said Saint Peter. And when people rode in this man's taxi, they not only stayed awake, they prayed nonstop.

3 men in Saudi


An American, a Dutchman and a Frenchman are in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze.

Then Saudi police rush in and arrest them.

The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia.

For the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished.

The extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each with a whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Dutchman was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Frenchman was next up. After watching the Dutchman in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back."

But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly.

The American was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," the American replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face.

"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.

The American replied: "Tie the Frenchman to my back."

damn post whores

What do women and condoms have in common?












They spend more time in your wallet then they do on your dick!

Good to be a man


Reasons it's good to be a man

Movie nudity is virtually always female.

You know stuff about tanks.

Your bathroom lines are 80 percent shorter.

You can open all your own jars.

When clicking through TV channels, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.

Your arse is never a factor in a job interview.

Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.

You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

You can kill your own food.

The garage is all yours.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.

The National College Cheer leading Championship.

If you're 34 and single, nobody notices.

You can get into a non-trivial pissing contest.

You can be President.

Flowers fix everything.

You never have to worry about other people's feelings.

You get to think about sex 90 percent of your waking hours.

You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.

The world is your urinal.

You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.

You get to jump up and slap stuff.

One mood, all the time.

You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.

Same work... more pay.

You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.

With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.

You don't cry off others' desserts.

If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

The remote is yours and yours alone.

People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.

Bachelor parties beat the shit over bridal showers.

You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.

Someday you'll be a dirty old man.

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.

There is always a game on somewhere.

You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.

You think the idea of punting a small cat is funny.

If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.

Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: 'So... notice anything different?'

Baywatch.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

All your orgasms are real.

Well thats enough for now.
I have a terrible cold right now and can't think straight

It is a good ocntest, too bad nobody wants to post alot

wake up people!

Posts till next money prize: 719

so whats happening in this joint..

doesnt look like anyone wants the VIP pass

oh well a bump for a good contest anyways

Coolone, you get paid per post?

And you don't?...what's it to you?..

Nope, straight up cash

YA it does and that is not a good thing.

hmm another bump to a good contest

its going to need a lot of them..

ok im off now.. sleep time for me :)

. bump.

fucking 8 characters rule.

wtf is players ball, btw?

A party at internext

SO I guess there is only a couple of days left in this contest?

come on people

dont sleep !!!!