An open letter to my EX

[Evil Chris]

Dear Jennifer:

I know the counsellor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says... "There's no one like you, Jennifer." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close.

Two weeks ago, I met this girl at a bar and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Jugs you wouldn't believe and an ass like a tortoise shell. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean?

Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes. But you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Jennifer? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I Don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yoghurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else.

Some niggling feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there, Susan, to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Jennifer, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met in Upper Side last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagne. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad too. 'Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Jennifer ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity
for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex aid."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good counsel about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Jennifer, She really is. So we're drinking in a hot bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness between us. But do
you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?

It's true, Jennifer. In your heart you know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the same please please please let me know, otherwise, can you let me know where the DirecTV remote control is.
Chris

[Funbrunette]

Too long Dude!

Tag....you're it!

[TheMob]

hehe, old.. but still funny. nice alternative ending.

[sickkittens]

Originally posted by Funbrunette
Too long Dude!

Tag....you're it!

You read half, I'll read half, then we can post notes?

[Honez]

haha, funny

[Pornweaver]

[azguy]

Originally posted by Evil Chris
Dear Jennifer:

I know the counsellor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says... "There's no one like you, Jennifer." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close.

Two weeks ago, I met this girl at a bar and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Jugs you wouldn't believe and an ass like a tortoise shell. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean?

Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes. But you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Jennifer? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I Don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yoghurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else.

Some niggling feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there, Susan, to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Jennifer, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met in Upper Side last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagne. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad too. 'Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Jennifer ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity
for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex aid."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good counsel about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Jennifer, She really is. So we're drinking in a hot bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness between us. But do
you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?

It's true, Jennifer. In your heart you know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the same please please please let me know, otherwise, can you let me know where the DirecTV remote control is.
Chris

For fuck sakes. I can't even continue to read. DUDE. Listen. There are MILLIONS OVER MILLIONS of girls out there, and you wanna tell me you can't find another love? Come on. Yeah, Jennifer is unique. SO WHAT. Remember - something didn't work out - so why the fuck do you want to go back to that same thing?

I know it hurts. BEEN THERE. (LOL I REMEMBER HOW PATHETIC I WAS.. LOL). It all goes away and a new life awaits. At least you nailed that 19 year old. That's progress.

KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK:

* change phone numbers
* move to a new apt
* put your old house on fire
* burn everything - including clothes and pets she touched
* burn everything you haven't burnt yet in the one above

Remember: don't be obsessive.

L O L

Seriously man, it will be good. MILLIONS OVER MILLIONS. Get a life. None of us is getting any younger.

[bluedevil]

Originally posted by Funbrunette
Too long Dude!

Tag....you're it!

[ytcracker]

this letter is old but good

[TekayRoyal]

that is hilarious........i'm thinking about editing that a bit and sending it along

[azguy]

Originally posted by ytcracker
this letter is old but good

So it's not his? CRAP.

[azguy]

Originally posted by TekayRoyal
that is hilarious........i'm thinking about editing that a bit and sending it along

I saved a copy. You never know.

[azguy]

Originally posted by azguy
So it's not his? CRAP.

LOL. My mom always told me to read till the end.

[clueless]

Originally posted by Evil Chris
Dear Jennifer:

I know the counsellor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says... "There's no one like you, Jennifer." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close.

Two weeks ago, I met this girl at a bar and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Jugs you wouldn't believe and an ass like a tortoise shell. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean?

Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes. But you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Jennifer? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I Don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yoghurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else.

Some niggling feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there, Susan, to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Jennifer, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met in Upper Side last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagne. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad too. 'Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Jennifer ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity
for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex aid."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good counsel about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Jennifer, She really is. So we're drinking in a hot bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness between us. But do
you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?

It's true, Jennifer. In your heart you know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the same please please please let me know, otherwise, can you let me know where the DirecTV remote control is.
Chris

Just a piece of advice; if you're writing to an ex u wuld want come back to. Just make it short, sweet and precise. Don't and I men never ever comapare a girl/lady to another girl. That is just plain stupid (sorry for the word). It would not make the matter any much better or worse than it is. Just tell her you missed and love her. Tell her what you really feel. But, for crying out loud don't mention any other girl's name. Or enumerate the other girls physical aspect. It just does not work that way.

[azguy]

Originally posted by clueless
Just a piece of advice; if you're writing to an ex u wuld want come back to. Just make it short, sweet and precise. Don't and I men never ever comapare a girl/lady to another girl. That is just plain stupid (sorry for the word). It would not make the matter any much better or worse than it is. Just tell her you missed and love her. Tell her what you really feel. But, for crying out loud don't mention any other girl's name. Or enumerate the other girls physical aspect. It just does not work that way.

COME BACK TO ME BITCH, I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE

[azguy]

Originally posted by azguy
COME BACK TO ME BITCH, I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE

KISSES,

[NAME]

[Pornweaver]

Originally posted by clueless
Just a piece of advice; if you're writing to an ex u wuld want come back to. Just make it short, sweet and precise. Don't and I men never ever comapare a girl/lady to another girl. That is just plain stupid (sorry for the word). It would not make the matter any much better or worse than it is. Just tell her you missed and love her. Tell her what you really feel. But, for crying out loud don't mention any other girl's name. Or enumerate the other girls physical aspect. It just does not work that way.

clueless <--- (Yep!)
My posts are basically a brain dump

Registered: Nov 2004
Location:
Posts: 77

[azguy]

Originally posted by azguy
KISSES,

[NAME]

[Shoehorn!]

[TekayRoyal]

Originally posted by Pornweaver
clueless <--- (Yep!)
My posts are basically a brain dump

Registered: Nov 2004
Location:
Posts: 77

[Nanda]

Originally posted by azguy
LOL. My mom always told me to read till the end.

But the advice you gave was good!

[azguy]

Originally posted by Nanda
But the advice you gave was good!

Wish I had that when *I* broke up! (actually I was dumped.. damn)

[azguy]

Originally posted by azguy
Wish I had that when *I* broke up! (actually I was dumped.. damn)

Actually... Even if I had that advice - when you break up nothing makes sense and you don't think rationally anyway

[SuckOnThis]

Originally posted by azguy
For fuck sakes. I can't even continue to read. DUDE. Listen. There are MILLIONS OVER MILLIONS of girls out there, and you wanna tell me you can't find another love? Come on. Yeah, Jennifer is unique. SO WHAT. Remember - something didn't work out - so why the fuck do you want to go back to that same thing?

I know it hurts. BEEN THERE. (LOL I REMEMBER HOW PATHETIC I WAS.. LOL). It all goes away and a new life awaits. At least you nailed that 19 year old. That's progress.

KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK:

* change phone numbers
* move to a new apt
* put your old house on fire
* burn everything - including clothes and pets she touched
* burn everything you haven't burnt yet in the one above

Remember: don't be obsessive.

L O L

Seriously man, it will be good. MILLIONS OVER MILLIONS. Get a life. None of us is getting any younger.

Hello? Anyone home?

[DatingGold]

[Nanda]

Originally posted by azguy
Wish I had that when *I* broke up! (actually I was dumped.. damn)

awe....you poor baby....but we all learn from our mistakes...

I just reread your advice, and honestly...it's the best realistic advice for someone truly in a breakup situation!

[azguy]

Originally posted by Nanda
awe....you poor baby....but we all learn from our mistakes...

I certainly do. Sometimes.

[azguy]

HEHE YEAH IT IS

[Rochard]

Originally posted by azguy
For fuck sakes. I can't even continue to read. DUDE. Listen. There are MILLIONS OVER MILLIONS of girls out there, and you wanna tell me you can't find another love? Come on. Yeah, Jennifer is unique. SO WHAT. Remember - something didn't work out - so why the fuck do you want to go back to that same thing?

I know it hurts. BEEN THERE. (LOL I REMEMBER HOW PATHETIC I WAS.. LOL). It all goes away and a new life awaits. At least you nailed that 19 year old. That's progress.

KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK:

* change phone numbers
* move to a new apt
* put your old house on fire
* burn everything - including clothes and pets she touched
* burn everything you haven't burnt yet in the one above

Remember: don't be obsessive.

L O L

Seriously man, it will be good. MILLIONS OVER MILLIONS. Get a life. None of us is getting any younger.

This was funnier than Chris's "letter".

[TheMob]

Originally posted by clueless
Just a piece of advice; if you're writing to an ex u wuld want come back to. Just make it short, sweet and precise. Don't and I men never ever comapare a girl/lady to another girl. That is just plain stupid (sorry for the word). It would not make the matter any much better or worse than it is. Just tell her you missed and love her. Tell her what you really feel. But, for crying out loud don't mention any other girl's name. Or enumerate the other girls physical aspect. It just does not work that way.

you are trying to be funny, right?

[azguy]

Originally posted by RocHard
This was funnier than Chris's "letter".

Thanks. I was cracking up as I was writing it

[Double L]

Originally posted by Evil Chris
And all of a sudden she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad too. 'Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Jennifer ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex aid."

cinnamon ring....

[KMR Stitch]

Someone post a fucking timeline picture..

[Holly]

Originally posted by RocHard
This was funnier than Chris's "letter".

No shit. I'm still laughing.

[azguy]

Originally posted by Holly
No shit. I'm still laughing.

[cezam]

Originally posted by azguy
COME BACK TO ME BITCH, I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE

thanks for the template, i'm sending it along to my ex

[Evil Chris]

"throat yoghurt" hahaha....

[Sheri Santiago]

LOL Chris I think we were all discussing the term 'throat yogurt' at the last MTL webmaster gathering

[Evil Chris]

Originally posted by Sheri Santiago
LOL Chris I think we were all discussing the term 'throat yogurt' at the last MTL webmaster gathering

haha... yeah I know, but it still makes me laugh... (or gag) hahahaha...

[wyldblyss]

Luckily I read fast or i would have just skipped it. Funny story

[xclusive]

That is an awesome story i'll have to do some editing but i'll find a use for it...

[webmaster x]

the letter is way too long.

[Sarah_Jayne]

some of these replies are better than the 'letter'

[Evil Chris]

Originally posted by sarah_webinc
some of these replies are better than the 'letter'

hehehe... yeah for those who bothered to read it through to the end.