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Rooster
This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell. The other farmer says, ?Yeah, I?ve got this great rooster named Chuck. He?ll service every chicken you got, no problem.? Well, Chuck the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he?d be worth it. So, he buys Chuck. The farmer takes Chuck home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk, ?Chuck, I want you to pace yourself now. You?ve got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I?ll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun,? the farmer said, with a chuckle. Chuck seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Chuck took off like a shot. - WHAM! - Chuck nails every hen in the hen house - - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Chuck is in there. Later, the farmer sees Chuck after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again, - WHAM! - He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Chuck out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught?worried that his expensive rooster won?t even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Chuck dead as a doorknob?stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, ?Oh Chuck, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you?ve done to yourself.? Chuck opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, ?Shhhh, they?re getting closer.....? cool1 |
Three Buttons
A gentleman on a flight to Atlanta had a serious problem. He had made several attempts to get into the men?s restroom, but found it to be occupied. The stewardess noticed that he was walking funny, taking small steps, and had a look of pain and anxiety on his face. ?Sir,? she said, ?the ladies? restroom is unoccupied. You may use it if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.? He was about to pop, and would have promised anything, so he agreed to her terms. The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there, savoring the feeling he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Three white buttons were identified by the letters: ?WW?, ?WA?, and ?PP?, and there was one red button labeled ?ATR.? Who would really know if he touched them? He couldn?t just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so he pushed the ?WW? button. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. Such a nice feeling came over him. The men?s restroom didn?t have nice things like this. Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the ?WA? button. Warm air replaced the warm water, wafting and swirling about, gently drying his underside. He knew what he was going to do when the warm air stopped, and without hesitation, he pressed the ?PP? button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragrant scent of spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure. The ladies? room was far more than a restroom; it was a place of tender, loving pleasure! He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did, he pushed what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy. He knew he was in the hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face. ?What happened? How did I get here? The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies? restroom on a flight to Atlanta!? ?You pushed one too many buttons,? replied the nurse, as her smirk expanded to a grin. ?That last button marked ?ATR? is an automatic tampon remover. Your penis is under your pillow.? cool1 |
Beautiful
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word ?beautiful? in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, ?My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.? ?Very good, Suzie,? replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. ?My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully,? he said. ?Excellent, Michael!? Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. ?Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, ?Beautiful, ......just fucking beautiful!?? cool1 |
Little Johnny's Question
A teacher asks her class, ?If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?? She calls on little Johnny. He replies, ?None, they all fly away with the first gun shot? The teacher replies ?The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.? Then Little Johnny says ?I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?? The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, ?Well I suppose the one that?s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone? To which Little Johnny replied, ?The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.? cool1 |
Bra Shopping
A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, ?Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?? The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner. After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart. Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, ?Do you have anything for this?? The lady looked closely at her and replied, ?Have you tried Clearasil?? cool1 |
CIA Test
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. ?We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!? The man said, ?You can?t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.? The agent said, ?Then you?re not the right man for this job.? The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. ?I tried, but I can?t kill my wife.? The agent said, ?You don?t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.? Finally, it was the woman?s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, ?You guys didn?t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.? cool1 |
Cursing Fish
One day, a priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before; the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot, father." After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says, "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!" The priest says, "Ah, please sir, can you mind your language?" The fisherman responds (thinking quickly), "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called---a sonofabitch!" "Oh, I'm sorry," says the priest. "I didn't know." After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop. "Eminence, look at this big sonofabitch!" "Please father," says the bishop. "Mind your language, this is a house of God." "No, you don't understand," says the priest. "That's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!" "Hmmm," says the bishop. "You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner." So the bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to Mother Superior at the convent. "Mother Superior, could you cook this sonofabitch for our dinner tonight with the Pope?" "My lord, what language!" says the mother. "No, sister," says the bishop. "That's what the fish is called---a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it" "Hmmm," replies Mother Superior. "Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight." While the Pope is over for dinner that evening he remarks that the fish is superb. He asks where they got it. "I caught the sonofabitch!" says the priest. "And I cleaned the sonofabitch!" says the bishop. "And I cooked the sonofabitch!" says Mother Superior. The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, "You know, you fuckers are all right.". cool1 |
Needs
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says ?I don?t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.? The husband says ?WHAT??? The wife says, ?You must not be in tune with my emotional needs as a woman.? The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can?t decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. They go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. Then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, ?But you don?t even play tennis, but OK, if you like it then let?s get it.? The wife is jumping up and down ? she?s so excited, she cannot believe what is going on. She says ?I?m ready to go, let?s go to the cash register.? The husband says, ?No - no - no, honey we?re not going to buy all this stuff.? The wife?s face goes blank, ?No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.? Her face gets really mad and she is about to explode and the husband says ?You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man.? cool1 |
Bar... Alabama
This guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orderes a mudslide. The bartender looks at the man and says "You're not from round here are ya?" "No" replied the man, "I'm from Pensylvania." The bartender looks at him and syas "Well what do you do in Pensylvania?" "I'm a taxidermist." said the man. The bartender, looking very bewildered, now asked "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?" The man looked at the bar tender and said "Well, I mount dead animals." The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar which is staring at him "It's okay, boys! He's one of us!" cool1 |
keep it up and you will win! only 3 more pages to go!!!!
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I will
time for a short toke break. |
meow.
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ok im here now well get this post going :-)
wickedvenus |
ill try to finish it up tonight for ya guys :winkwink:
wickedvenus |
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EC jerseys are tainted, too many fags have em.. .
Can I get the $ instead? :321GFY |
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wickedpostwhore, is that m4nual or you got a fuckin b0t?
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Gimmie one in exchange for my sig
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wickedvenus:) |
mrmsux
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ok ill stop for a bit so you dont think im a bot
wickedvenus |
ok im back ill keep bumping for the night
wickedvenus |
spunky1...gimmie a jersey :glugglug
WickedVenus..ignore them Juicy can do it 500 times in a thread so why not you :glugglug |
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Epic Epic here I am show me a jersey if you can :-):1orglaugh
wickedvenus |
Artist: Snoop Dogg f/ Silkk the Shocker
Album: No Limit Top Dogg Song: Gangsta Ride Chorus: Snoop Dogg *singing* (2X) It's a gangsta gangsta ride On the nutty danger side As we ride, dip and slippin Take your mind, on a high [Silkk the Shocker] Yo yo, from that DPG nigga to the CP3 Back to the house, East to the West Now take it BACK to the South You know.. how I switch my flow If I'm lapsin you glad niggaz'll get mad then, hit the flo' Gotta bag me some dank so I, hit the sto' In the winter it's the Hummer for the summer it's the, six-fo' Got niggaz mad at me (why?) Cause they can't get no six Bitches upset with me (why?) Cause they can't get no dick I'ma be on top of the game whether I'm, broke or rich I don't stop once I'm on top I just drop mo' hits I'm in the club with the thug, I just pop mo' Crist' Tell Snoop to get the Coupe his new shit I just, gots to go get Cause when I cock my shit, usually I pop my shit Tell all you teary eyed females gettin over-offended cause I don't jock no chick I'm the Boss, and I don't follow no person, I follow Jesus Y'all blame a bunch of kids, so I gotta roll my Adidas Chorus [Snoop Dogg] Boom bam as I step in the jam, god damn Don't need no introduction, cause you know who I am The S-N-double-O-P, the only, fo' sho' Now motherfuckers let me hear you say hoe I spit ya, spat at ya, whoot wham, get at ya Rider, I threw a slider, right at ya Mash ya, gat ya, drip-drop the hatchet Keep the party crackin, while I'm steady rappin This game we run, y'all know what's happenin We back in effect, we got the heat on deck I'm slidin down South with a blunt in my mouth I catch a plane out East and try to make some peace I'm hangin with my niggaz in the projects The homie's throwin a party, I gotta get back West Oh yeah -- that's right, we are the best No Limit DPG Southwest connects, ya feel me? Chorus [Snoop Dogg] Keep it gangsta Keep it gangsta, keep it gangsta dogg Keep it, keep it gangsta dogg Yeah, we keep it gangsta dogg Fo' sho', we keep it gangsta dogg, what? Yeah, I wanna say whattup to all them gangstas out there on the Eastisde (on the Southside, on the Northside) Yeah (on the Westside) Y'all niggaz need to point the guns in the right directions Ya know, ya heard? Chorus 3X * Snoop and Silkk talk to outro * wickedvenus |
happy halloween!! my house is all decorated!!
wickedvenus |
get out an vote on the 2nd!
Vote Kerry wickedvenus |
Tales From The Shire
Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks up a barfly. They taker her to ta local motel; the first hobbit goes into the motel room while the other waits outside. Once the door closes, the hobbit on the outside hears starnge noises through the door, "I can't do it, I can't do it, I CAN'T DO IT!" In the morning, the second hobbit askes the first, "How did it go?" The first one answers. "It was embarrassing. I simply couldn''t do it." The second hobbit shook his head. "Manhood problems, eh?" "No. I couldnt get on the bed!" wickedvenus |
Why don't witches wear panties?
Better grip on the broom. wickedvenus |
Slowly it moves along its predetermined path.
cool1 |
It will get there
cool1 |
it will get there tonight :-)
wickedvenus |
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