Snake Doctor

For those of you in Ivan's path here are some tips from someone (me) who grew up in hurricane country.


Soon, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some spinning red thing headed toward our coast and making two basic meteorological points 1) There is no need to panic. 2) We could all be killed.

If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one."

Follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for atleast three days.

STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements: 1) It is reasonably well-built, and 2) It is located in Nebraska.

Unfortunately, if your home is located on the gulf coast, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like a bad talk show host.

EVACUATION ROUTE:If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says Florida, Georgia, Alabama,Mississippi, or Louisiana you live in a low-lying area.)The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES:If you don't evacuate, you will need a lot of supplies. Gulf Coast tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who getsthe last can of SPAM.

In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:23 Flash lights Bleach (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!) A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool) $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes,you can buy a generator from a man with no visible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Thanks and good luck.

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jade_dragon

So so true haha.

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