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Off The Cuff

by Jay Melder
Columnist
September 03, 2004


Who makes their mascot the beaver?

It would take a quaint little school.

But then again, who doesn't like beavers?

I feel bad about writing this, but we're all grown-ups here.

And trust me people, I'm not suggesting anything you have not in the darkest boudoir of your conscience.

Do their cheerleaders even wear bloomers, or do they all display their mascot proudly during toe-touches?

I feel bad for their radio announcers who must watch their tongue constantly, preventing out burst like, "The Tigers are fighting inch by inch against the Beavers, just trying to get close enough to split the uprights."

To tell you the truth, I couldn't possibly think of anything containing the word 'beaver' that I would find void of sexual innuendo.

I've beat this topic enough, and I apologize, but these things just fall in my lap ... I can't resist.

Oregon State isn't the only institution whose trademark name appears in porn titles.

The University of South Carolina boasts the Game Cocks. What exactly is a Game Cock? I'm not sure.

But I can imagine the time I'd have if they played the Beavers in the Fiesta Bowl.

This phenomenon is not just privy to NCAA athletics. Some of us remember the computer technologies company, Wang.

If you think I'm joking ask someone over the age of 30. They were as big as Apple -- not that I measured. Hackers loved 'em.

Who hasn't quenched their thirst with a big gulp of Tang or enjoyed a platter of crabs at Long John Silver.

Now, it is true that the sexual slang vocabulary was born from common names and concrete imagery, but still you would think that the corporate world would have the forethought to avoid a marketing embarrassment of such caliber.

After all, we no longer use the word gay to describe a joyous feeling or queer to describe a strange situation.

Why? The words have evolved to take on different, more socially charged meanings.

However, that didn't stop Skittles when they launched their "Taste the Rainbow" campaign.

Which I will admit ended up to be my high school sweetheart's montra beginning the night of senior prom.

(I'd like to think it didn't have anything to do with me, but I'd like to think a lot of things.)

Anywho, I guess we'll keep giggling to ourselves every time we order smoked tuna or a tossed salad until sex isn't as popular as it is today.

And when that happens we'll all just die off, and it won't matter anyway.

Until then, I'll still cheer on my Tigers, even though I am a Beaver fan.