!!!TO MARK MY 5000th post you can win $100 in this Thread!

[born4porn]

A new bride went to her doctor for a check up. Lacking knowledge of the male anatomy, she asked the doctor "What's that thing hanging between my husbands legs?"
The doctor replies "We call that the penis."
The new bride then asks "What's that reddish/purple thing on the end of the penis?"
The doctor replies "We call that the head of the penis."
The bride then asks "What are those 2 round things about 15 inches from the head of the penis?"
The doctor replies "Lady, on him I don't know, but on me they're the cheeks of my ass!"

[Vitasoy]

We cant have this at the bottom.

[born4porn]

Originally posted by Vitasoy
We cant have this at the bottom.

I agree

[born4porn]

There are two ants living in a girl's pair of panties.

One day they decide to go exploring in the caves. They said to meet back in the same spot in and hour.

So, one ant went in one cave, and the other ant in a different cave. After an hour went by, the two ants met back up.

One ant was covered in brown, sticky, smelly stuff. "Eeew!, What was your cave like" asked the other ant.

"It was nice at first, but it soon became really smelly and the walls were all dark and sticky" replied the ant. "So how was your cave ?".

"Well" he said, "It was lovely at first, all pink and warm, but then this bald guy started head butting me and then spitting on me."

[born4porn]

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a machete to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"

To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a magnum gun and pointed it at him and said, "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"

[born4porn]

So this older guy goes to the doctor asking for a prescription for 'Viagra'. The guy asks for a large dose of the *strongest* variety. The doctor asks why he needs so much.
The guy says that two young nymphomaniacs are spending a week at his place. The doctor fills the prescription.
Later that week, the same guy goes back to the doctor asking for pain killers.
The doctor asks 'why, is your dick in that much pain?'
'no', says the guy, 'it's for my wrists - the girls never showed up!'

[born4porn]

Three guys are in a doctor's office. One is a drunk, another's a smoker and the third's a gay guy.
The doctor tells each of them that, if they induldge in their bad habit one more time, they will die.
Outside they pass a bar. The drunk says, "I don't care if I die, I need a drink." The drunk goes into the bar takes a drink and, sure enough, he drops dead.
Meanwhile the smoker and the gay guy are walking along. Then the smoker spots a lit cigarette on the sidewalk.
The gay guy looks over and says, "If you bend down to pick that up, we're both dead."

[born4porn]

There was a woman who was interested in getting a boob job, so she went to her doctor, Dr. Smith and questioned him about implants.
He explained that, before you do anything too serious, there is a method that has worked for a lot of my patients.
Every morning when you wake up rub your boobs and say ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies.''
She did this faithfully for weeks and noticed one day that they actually were getting bigger, she was very impressed. One morning she woke up, late for work and very rushed. By the time she got on the bus she realized that she forgot to go through her routine.
So standing on the bus, while rubbing her boobs she says ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies''.
The man standing next to her says, ''You go to Dr. Smith?''
''Yes,'' she said, ''how did you know?''
He replies ''Hickory dickory dock!''

[born4porn]

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation centre.
Man: "What are you doing here today?"
Woman: "Oh, I`m here to donate some blood. They`re going to give me $5 for it."
Man: "Hmm, that`s interesting. I`m here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.
Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation centre.
Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."

[born4porn]

An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home. One day he went into the nurses' office and informed Nurse Jones that his penis died. Nurse Jones, realizing the Mr. Smith was old and forgetful decided to play along with him.
"It did? I'm sorry to hear that," she replied.
Two days later, Mr. Smith was walking down the halls at the nursing home with his penis hanging outside his pants.
Nurse Jones saw him and said, "Mr. Smith, I thought you told me your penis died?"
"It did," he replied. "Today is the viewing!"

[born4porn]

A doctor at the asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, ''Up nuts!'' And the inmates complied by standing up.
After the anthem he yelled, ''Down nuts!'' And they all sat.
After a home run he yelled, ''Cheer nuts!'' And they all broke into applause and cheers. Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.
When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.
The assistant replied, ''Well...everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, ''PEANUTS!''

[born4porn]

Three guys from a mental institution were introducing themselves.
The first guy says, "Hi, my name is Paul, from the Bible."
The second guys says, "My name is Moses, God gave me the 10 Commandments."
The third guy says, "What did I give you?"

[born4porn]

A man is waiting in a hospital to get a vaccination, and he's very uncomfortable with the idea of being stabbed with a long needle. After a while, the nurse calls him in to receive the injection.
He nervously walks into the office and sits down where the nurse indicated, eyes bulging slightly at what seems to be an array of torture devices on the bench beside him.
As the nurse prepares the needle, he tries to think of the most pleasurable things he can, to try and dull the pain he is expecting.
The nurse turns to him with the filled needle, and noticing his obvious nervously, tries to comfort him with the words, "Don't worry, it'll just be a small prick."
The man jumps up, obviously upset. The nurse looks startled, but before she can say anything, the man yells out, "Just how many people has my wife been talking to?"

[born4porn]

my uploads are almost finished!

[born4porn]

and it looks like no one wants to post with me

[born4porn]

I guess more people will post when there is 10 posts to go?

[born4porn]

then again I am sure there are no lurkers!

[born4porn]

I think most people must be out or asleep?

[born4porn]

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.
"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind; either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"
So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way. "Hi there," says Steve, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."
"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."
Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!?

[born4porn]

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"
The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."

[born4porn]

A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologist's office. The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter.
"She has been having some strange symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said.
The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, "Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."
The mother gasped, "That's nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men."
She turned to the girl. "You don't, do you, dear?"
"No, mumsy," said the girl.
"Why, you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!"
The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window, staring out.
He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something wrong out there?"
"No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up."

[Corleone]

[born4porn]

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!"
The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife's room.
About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith's wife has just had triplets.
Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company." The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave.
When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."

[born4porn]

Originally posted by Corleone

[born4porn]

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions.
She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"No. A little more..."
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"

[born4porn]

The old family physician being away on vacation, entrusted his practice to his son--a recent medical student.
When the old man returned, the youngster told him among other things, that he cured Miss Ferguson, an aged and wealthy spinster, of her chronic indigestion.
"My boy," said the old doctor, "I'm proud of you, but Miss Ferguson's indigestion is what put you through college."

[born4porn]

"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.
"Well, doc, 25 years ago ..."
"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."
"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said, "No, everything is fine."
"Are you sure?" she asked.
"I'm sure," I said.
"Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know.
"I reckon not," I replied.
"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?"
"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"

[born4porn]

A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients.
However, a little voice in his head said "Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients so its not like you're the first..."
This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said,
"... but they probably weren't veterinarians"

[born4porn]

An old couple go to the doctor. The old man goes first to have his physical. When the doctor is done with him, he sends the old man back into the waiting room and calls the old woman in.
The doctor tells her, "Before we proceed with the examination, I would like to talk to you about your husband first."
The old woman says, "Oh, no, it's his heart. I told him to lay off the eggs."
The doctor says, "Well, I asked your husband how he is feeling and he told me he felt great. He said that when he got up to go to the bathroom, he opened the door and God turned the light on for him. When he was done, he would shut the door and God would turn the light out for him."
The old woman responded, "Damn it, he's peeing in the fridge again!"

[born4porn]

1 Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

2 Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card?

3 Damn! Page 84 of the manual is missing!

4 Everybody stand back! I lost a contact lens!

5 Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie

6 Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

7 "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

8 Whoa, wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

9 "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, he's got two of 'em

10 What do you mean "You want a divorce?"

[born4porn]

After everything he says, say, "And how does that make you feel?"

Repeatedly tell him to look at the ceiling. When he finally does,
repeatedly tell him to look at the chair. When he finally does,
repeatedly tell him to look at the desk, etc...

Refuse to cooperate unless he trades his pants.

Point at random things and say, "Where did you get that?"

Try to talk him into sitting on the floor.

Tell him you think his secretary is really a man.

Take random objects in his office and glue them to the floor.

Bring pots and pans and bang them together when he asks a question you don't like.

Complain that his chair looks more comfortable.

Sit underneath your chair.

[born4porn]

"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."
"And did he?"
"Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."

[born4porn]

Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot.
The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?"
The lady said, "My phone doesn't have an eleven."

[born4porn]

A young man goes to a doctor for a physical examination. When he gets into the room, the man strips for his exam. He has a dick the size of a little kid's little finger.
A nurse standing in the room sees his little dick and begins to laugh hysterically.
The young man gives her a stern look and say, "You shouldn't laugh, it's been swollen like that for two weeks now!"

[born4porn]

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle."
"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

[born4porn]

Did you hear about the psychiatrist who kept his wife under the bed?

He thought she was a little potty!

[traffic addict]

just another 120 posts to go

[born4porn]

A man who thought he was John the Baptist was disturbing the neighbourhood, so for public safety, he was committed.
He was put in a room with another crazy, and immediately began his routine, "I am John The Baptist! Jesus Christ has sent me!"
The other guy looked at him and declared, "I did not!"

[born4porn]

Originally posted by traffic addict
just another 120 posts to go

and I may miss out because I promised myself I would stop as soon as my uploads are finished

[born4porn]

at least I am helping someone else win I guess

[born4porn]

A pretty young lady named Nancy just broke off her engagement to a young doctor.
" Do you mean to tell me," exclaimed her friend, "that he actually asked you to return all the presents?"
Nancy: "Not only that, but he also sent me a bill for house calls."

[born4porn]

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!"
The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."

[Rankings]

now we're getting somewhere

[born4porn]

A man is talking to the family doctor. "Doc, I think my wife's going deaf."
The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is."
The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he's standing just a few feet away from her.
Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we're having MEATLOAF!"

[TiGrrPrr]

hmmm

[born4porn]

Originally posted by input
now we're getting somewhere

I could use some help

[TiGrrPrr]

hurry

[TiGrrPrr]

cmon

[born4porn]

Originally posted by TiGrrPrr
hurry

it is taking so long because I am doing all the work

[born4porn]

Originally posted by TiGrrPrr
hurry

you too