Christ, we need a nice drama free thread - jokes:

[Sarah_Jayne]

Post 'em if you got them..



It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

[Tofu]

[Pete]

LOL, thats a good one!

[nathan_f]

Try this one on your friends.

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?




































*make gagging sound/face now*

[AlienQ - BANNED FOR LIFE]

See sig

[tranza]

lol... great one....

[SureFire]

someone email this to me...I thought it was pretty funny

15 Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse/partner/parent is taking their own sweet time:

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly place them in people's carts while they aren't looking

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code 3 in Housewares" and watch what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&Ms on lay away.

6. Move a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera, using it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look using
different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say, "Pick Me! Pick Me!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

And last, but certainly not least...

15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a few minutes, then yell loudly, "There's no toilet paper in here!"

[Sarah_Jayne]

Originally posted by SureFire

And last, but certainly not least...

15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a few minutes, then yell loudly, "There's no toilet paper in here!"

lol, oh dear god

[Missy]

A loud pounding on the door awakens a man and his wife at 3 o'clock in the morning. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it's three in the morning and it's pouring out!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

[Metatron-SpookyCash]

What's brown & sticky?


A stick.

[- Jesus Christ -]

Little Jonny asked his mother "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?"

"Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied by his mother

Little Jonny answered " The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary."

[Sarah_Jayne]

Originally posted by Metatron-SpookyCash
What's brown & sticky?


A stick.

ouch, my side hurts

[Stewie]

What's the difference between pink and purple?




















Your GRIP!!

[Butrflied]

A guy walks into a bar ...































.. ouch

[directfiesta]

A blond enters in a bank in NY and ask for a loan.

She explains that she is going to Europe for 2 weeks for business and that she needs $ 5,000.00.
The loan officer tells her that the bank will need some collateral garantee.
The blonde gives to the loan officer the keys to her brand new Rolls Royce!
The car is parked in front of the bank and she has proper title to the car. Everything is in order.
The bank accepts to take the car as colateral and gives her the money.

As soon as she steps out, the bank director and the employees all start laughing their heads off:
" It takes a fucking stupid blonde to give a 250,000.00 Rolls Royce to garantee a 5,000.00 loan..."

A bank employee takes care of parking safely the car in the bank's indoor parking.

Two weeks later, the blonde comes back. She reimburse the 5,00.00 and the interest, which comes to $ 15.41 .

The loan officer then asks:

" Miss, we are very happy to have dealt with you and everything went fine, but we are a bit puzzled... During your absence, we check you out and we discovered that you are in fact a multi millionnaire ... Why did you need to borrow this 5,000.00 ???"

The blonde answers:

" Tell me of another place in NY where I could park my car 2 weeks for $ 15.41 and be sure to get it back undammaged as I return ????"

[Jason]

lol

[Mikey_219Inc]

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.