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Chris · 11-21-2003, 12:45 AM

Hilarious Quotes XI
Hilarious Newspaper Headlines
(the best of 1999)

1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say

3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case

5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

6. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

7. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

8. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

9. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

10. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead

11. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

12. Miners Refuse to Work After Death

13. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

14. Stolen Painting Found by Tree

15. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

16. War Dims Hope for Peace

17. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

18. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

19. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

20. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

21. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space

22. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

23. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

24. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

tootie · 11-21-2003, 12:46 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by JupZChris
Why Men Are Happier Than Women!
16. One mood, ALL the time.

Yeah, a bad one!

Chris · 11-21-2003, 12:46 AM

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whiskey, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines!And this is sent to you by an American, using Bill Gates' technology Which he enjoyed stealing from the Japanese. And you are probably reading this on one of the IBM clones that use Taiwanese-made chips, and Korean-made monitors, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by lorries driven by Indians, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, trucked by Mexican illegal aliens, and finally sold to you.

That, my friend, is Globalization! Finally, an explanation in English

nofx · 11-21-2003, 12:46 AM

where is the love?

Chris · 11-21-2003, 12:46 AM

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

* I do physical labour
* I work at great depths
* I am always using my head first
* I do not get RDO's, weekends off or public holidays
* I work in a damp environment
* I don't get paid overtime or shift penalties
* I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
* I work in high temperatures
* My work exposes me to contagious diseases

Response from Human Resources

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

* You do not work 8 hours straight
* You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
* You do not always follow the orders of the management team
* You do not stay in your assigned position, and often visit other areas
* You take a lot of non-rostered breaks
* You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
* You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
* You don't always observe OH&S measures, such as wearing the correct protective outfits
* You don't like working double shifts
* You sometimes leave your assigned position before you have completed your work
* And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the work place carrying 2 suspicious looking bags!

tootie · 11-21-2003, 12:46 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by nofx
where is the love?

good song

Chris · 11-21-2003, 12:46 AM

Words Women Use

Study this and know it!

FINE

This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING

This means "something", and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. 'Nothing" usually signifies an
argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with 'Fine'.

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)

This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)

This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

SOFT SIGH

Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow.

GO AHEAD.

At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO

This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful
and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT

This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."

KingK7 · 11-21-2003, 12:47 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by JupZChris
75 Fun Ways To Order A Pizza

1. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.

2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

3. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."

4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.

7. When they ask for your phone # give them theirs and see if they notice.

8. Answer their questions with questions.

9. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

10. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.

11. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

12. Stutter on the letter "p."

13. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

15. Change your accent every three seconds.

16. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.

18. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.

19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

20. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" See how they respond.

21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

22. Imitate the order taker's voice.

23. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"

26. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.

27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."

28. Eliminate verbs from your speech.

29. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.

30. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.

31. Ask to see a menu.

32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."

33. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

34. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

35. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask person taking the order to stop doing that.

36. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

37. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"

38. Psychoanalyze the order taker.

39. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.

40. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

41. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.

42. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."

43. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

44. Try to talk while drinking something.

45. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"

46. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

47. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.

48. Be vague in your order.

49. Use CB lingo where applicable.

50. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.

51. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.

52. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."

53. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.

54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.

55. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.

56. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.

57. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.

58. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.

59. Put them on hold.

60. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.

61. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."

62. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.

63. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"

64. When you've given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."

65. Haggle.

66. Order a one-inch pizza.

67. Order term life insurance.

68. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"

69. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.

70. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.

71. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."

72. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.

73. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.

74. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.

75. Order a steamed pizza.

tootie · 11-21-2003, 12:47 AM

Chris · 11-21-2003, 12:47 AM

Stella Awards
It's time once again to consider the candidates for the annual Stella Awards. The Stella's are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonalds. That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States.

The following are this year's candidates:

1. Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a nightclub in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

2. Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next-door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3. A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hub caps.

4. A. Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 a! after she slipped on a soft drink spill and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

5. Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't reenter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.

6. A jury of her peers awarded Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, $780,000 after breaking her ankle by tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

7. This year's favorite could easily be Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the R.V. left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's manual that he couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreation vehicles.

Chris · 11-21-2003, 12:47 AM

Growing up in the 80's
Dear Kids of America:

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways through year 'round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A average despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death!

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way I was going to lay a bunch of shit like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it. But.... Now that I've reached the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! Compared to my childhood, you live in a freaking Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!

When I was a kid we didn't have The Internet -- we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves! And there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter -- with a pen! --and then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there! And there were no MP3s or Napster! You wanted to steal music, you had to go to the record store and shoplift it yourself! Or we had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and mess it all up!

You want to hear about hardship? You couldn't just download porn! You had to bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the 7-11! Those were your options! We didn't have fancy stuff like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either. When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was. It could be your boss, your mom, a collections agent, you didn't know! You just had to pick it up and take your chances!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked! Your guy was a little square and in order to have any fun you had to rely on your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win, the game just kept on getting harder and faster until you died! When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! A tall guy sat in front of you, you were out of luck. And sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 20 channels and there was no on screen menu! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning. Did you hear what I said you lazy little freaks? We had to wait all week for cartoons! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980! .....But I don't want to lecture you.

Chris · 11-21-2003, 12:48 AM

Things to do with your AOL Disks.

At a restaurant, shove one under a wobbling table leg.

Christmas ornaments (the more the merrier).

Give them to young children play with.

Room dividers for hamsters.

Drink coasters.

Ice scraper.

Bathroom tile.

Air hockey puck.

Dog chew toy.

Pooper scooper.

Grill scraper.

Destroy them - smash, burn, or run over to relieve stress.

Light switch cover.

Chinese throwing stars.

Halloween treat.

Firewood.

Paper weights.

Incense burners (put stick in hole of disk hub and light the incense).

Put them on car windshields at the mall.

Hand them out as party favors.

House insulation.

Grind them up to make fake snow.

Hood ornament.

Give them as stocking stuffers.

Use them as elbow and knee pads.

Use them to decorate your aquarium and create Comp USA underwater.

Baby mobile. Fence (may need a few thousand).

nofx · 11-21-2003, 12:48 AM

tootie · 11-21-2003, 12:48 AM

Ack! Baby awake ALREADY!

Chris · 11-21-2003, 12:48 AM

WBAM FM Chicago - Mate Match

On the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago, the DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match." The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers yes, he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando,Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: "Yes."

DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her Mom is staying for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-in-law was in the shower at the Time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this. (3 minutes of commercials follow.)

DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?" (touchtones ringing)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo...do you know the rules of 'Mate match'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "All right. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question,

Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much,Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well, it's just that my Mom is vacationing with us and..."

DJ: "She saw?"

Sarah: "BRIAN?!"

Brian: "No, no I didn't..."

DJ: "Ease up there, sister. Just messing' with your head. Your answer, please?"

Sara: "Dear Lord...I cannot believe you told them this."

Brian: "Come on, honey, it's for a free trip to Florida."

DJ: "Let's go, sister. We ain't got all day here. Where did you do it?"

Sarah: (short pause) "In the ass."

(long, long pause)

DJ: "We'll be right back after a word from our sponsors."

nofx · 11-21-2003, 12:49 AM

WHERE IS THAT $500!!!!!!!!

Chris · 11-21-2003, 12:49 AM

How To Beat A Speeding Ticket.

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his Captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Whose car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!

Chris · 11-21-2003, 12:49 AM

EVER WONDERED WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE IF DEAR ABBY WAS A MAN?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband wants a threesome with my bestfriend and me.
A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that
there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing -
your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer
together. Why not get some of your old collage roommates involved
too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with
your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform
oral on him.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

A: Do it. Sperm can help you loose weight and gives a great glow
to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to
perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you.
The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged.
The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with
other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress
relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember,
nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being
away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the house too!).
Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his
stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you
and your best friend to perform oral on him.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must
mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to
help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and
present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your
selfish guilt, perform oral on him and cook him a delicious meal.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to
sleep never giving me one.
A: I'm not sure I understand the problem.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity
training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex
should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests
for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as
much as you should - he should never have to work to get you in the
mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by
performing oral on him.

Chris · 11-21-2003, 12:50 AM

Rodney Dangerfield 1 Liners

I know what day of the week you were born.
I was so poor growing up ... If I wasn't born a boy .... I'd have
nothing to play with.

A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's
nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other
night she called me from a hotel.

One day as I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked.
I said to the guy ... "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said,
"Because you came home early."

It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put on a shirt and
a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off.
I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid .... When I played in the sandbox the cat kept
covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and
a radio.

I was such an ugly baby ... My mother never breast fed me. She told
me that she only liked me as a friend.

I'm so ugly ... My father carries around the picture of the kid who
came with his wallet.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said
to my father ... I'm very sorry .... We did everything we could ...
But he pulled through.

I'm so ugly ... My mother had morning sickness ... AFTER I was born.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger
to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost ... I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me
find my parents. I said to him ... "Do you think we'll ever find them?

He said, "I don't know kid ... there are so many places they can hide."

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I'm so ugly ... I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how
big I'd get.

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and
look in the mirror ... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?"

He said "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

tootie · 11-21-2003, 12:51 AM

kill me

Chris · 11-21-2003, 12:51 AM

You know when you're

addicted to the internet

when..

1. You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL."

2. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.

3. You meet the mailman at the curb and swear he said YOU'VE GOT MAIL.

4. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.

5. You fall asleep, but instead of dreams you get IMs.

6. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have AOL in your car.

7. Your cat has its own homepage.

8. You beg your friends to get an AOL account so you can all "hang out."

9. You have your screen name as your license plate.

10. You actually invite large groups of people to your house and have internet parties.

11. You sit on AOL for 6 hours waiting for that certain special person to sign on.

12. You get up in the morning and check your email before going to the bathroom.

13. The only Family you send Christmas and Birthday Cards to are the ones who have an email address.

14. You?re on the phone and say "BRB".

15. Instead of forplay, you ask your spouse if she/he wants to skip the small talk and cyber.

16. You have internet in your bathroom.

18. You get depressed when you check your email and dont have any.

17. You name your dog DotCom.

nofx · 11-21-2003, 12:52 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by tootie
kill me

BLAM BLAM!

tootie · 11-21-2003, 12:53 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by nofx

BLAM BLAM!

thnx

Chris · 11-21-2003, 12:53 AM

Consumer Labels

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed

through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer

goods that can be found today being sold in stores nationwide:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. On Sears hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping."

(But..., that's the only time I have to work on my hair)

2. On a bar of Dial soap:

"Directions: Use like regular soap."

(And that would be how. . . ?)

3. On some Swanson frozen dinners:

"Serving suggestions: Defrost."

(But it's "just" a suggestion)

4. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box):

"Do not turn upside down."

(Oops, too late!)

5. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:

"Product will be hot after heating."

(Hmm . . . .)

6. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:

"Do not iron clothes on body."

(But wouldn't this save even more time?)

7. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:

"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this

medication."

(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents

if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head colds off those

forklifts.)

8. On Nytol Sleep Aid:

"Warning: May cause drowsiness."

(One would hope)

9. On most brands of Christmas lights:

"For indoor or outdoor use only."

(As opposed to underwater?)

10. On a Japanese food processor:

"Not to be used for the other use."

(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

11. On Sainsbury's peanuts:

"Warning: Contains nuts."

(NEWS FLASH)

12. On a child's Superman costume:

"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

(I don't blame the company, I blame parents for this one.)

13. On a Swedish chain saw:

"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands."

(Was there a chance of this happening somewhere? . . . Good grief!)

14. On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid:

"Do not use on food."

(Hey, Mom, we're out of syrup! It's OK, honey, just grab the Palmolive!

Chris · 11-21-2003, 12:55 AM

Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes
directions: read these outloud

(English Phrase) I think you need a facelift

(Chinese Phrase) Chin Tu Fat

(English Phrase) Are you hiding a fugitive?

(Chinese Phrase) Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me A.S.A.P.

Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man

Dum Gai

Small Horse

Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach?

Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table

Ai Bang Mai Ni

It's very dark in here

Wai So Dim

This is a tow away zone

No Pah King

You are not very bright

Yu So Dum

I got this for free

Ai No Pei

I am not guilty!

Wai Hang Mi?

Please stay a while longer

Wai Go Nao?

They have arrived

Hai Dei Kum.

Stay out of sight

Lei Lo

He's cleaning his automobile

Wa Sing Ka.

Your body odor is offensive

Yu Stin Ki

I thought you were on a diet?

Wai Yu Mun Ching?

Chris · 11-21-2003, 12:55 AM

Questions that will always remain unanswered.

1. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

2. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going
as ghosts but as mattresses?

3. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

4. Is there another word for synonym?

5. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?"

6. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane
crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

7. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

8. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

9. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean them?

10. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain
silent?

11. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

12. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and
apes?

13. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

14. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

15. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

16. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

17. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

18. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

19. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

Chris · 11-21-2003, 12:56 AM

The Most Complete List Of Ways To Annoy People, Cops, Your Roommate, And More.

At ebaumsworld.com we have the most complete list of how to annoy people found anywhere in the world. Feel free to print this out for future reference. Enjoy!

Annoy People

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Pay tolls with $100 bills

2. Leave your supermarket cart on the street or in the middle of the parking lot

3. Eat produce at the market; don't buy it

4. When giving directions, leave out a turn or two

5. Leave the outdoor Christmas decorations up until March or April

6. Before exiting the elevator, push all the buttons

7. Knock and ask "How is it going?" to someone constipated in a public bathroom stall.

8. Develop at least three strategies for cutting into the front of lines

9. Announce when you're going to the bathroom

10. Chew other people's pencils

11. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

12. Wear large hats during the movies

13. Touch strangers

14. Tell little children the truth about Santa Claus

15. Bite your dentist's finger

16. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

18. Leave lipstick prints on people's cheeks and foreheads

19. Don't stand during hymns and anthems

20. Dance fast to slow music and vice-versa

21. Tell people they have bad breath

22. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

23. Flirt with a friend's spouse

24. Sit in the home bleachers and cheer for the other team

25. Shake with your left hand

26. Use the quote bunnies after every other word you say when talking to someone.

27. Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".

28. Drum on every available surface.

29. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

30. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

31. Honk and wave to strangers.

32. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.

33. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

34. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.

35. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

36. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

37. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

38. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

39. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

40. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

41. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

Annoy Cops

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

42. Say out loud when he/she approaches you "You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?"

43. Ask to see his gun.

44. When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly.

45. Say out loud "Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!"

46. Slap his hand and say "Bad cop! No donut!"

47. When he frisks you, say "You missed a spot", and grin.

48. After every other sentence oink like a pig quietly to yourself but loud enough for him to hear you.

49. Refer to him by his first name.

50. When he comes up to the car, say "License and registration, please" right when he says it.

Annoy Your roomate

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

51. Smoke weed. Do whatever comes naturally.

52. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.

53. Twitch a lot when you guys eat dinner.

54. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.

55. Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.

56. Ask him/her to do you a favor and get you a drink, then when they bring it, slowly pour it on the floor.

57. Clip your toenails while watching a movie or eating dinner.

58. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.

59. Speak in tongues.

60. Move you roommate's personal effects around. Start subtlely. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.

61. Walk and talk backwards.

62. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them.

63. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're more than meets the eye."

64. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g."The Road Warrior," "Repo Man," Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.

65. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance at art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).

66. Collect all your urine in a small jug.

67. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.

68. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are.

69. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks."

70. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to masturbate while reading them.

71. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.

72. Eat glass.

73. Smoke ballpoint pens.

74. Smile. All the time.

75. Collect dog shit in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you think the dog ate.

76. Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously.

77. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can.
When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.

78. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of grievances.

79. Paste snot on the windows in occult patterns.

80. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly.

81. Dye all your underwear lime green.

82. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.

83. Bye three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.

84. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it.

85. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due).

86. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.

87. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up.
Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.

88. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them.

89. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.

90. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.

91. Shave one eyebrow.

92. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently.

93. Put horseradish in your shoes.

94. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.

95. Always flush the toilet three times.

96. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.

97. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class.

98. Give him/her an allowance.

99. Listen to radio static.

100. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.

101. Wear sunglasses at night. Bump into things often. Swear loudly.

Annoy your examiner during a Driver's Test

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

102. Turn the radio on. When the testor goes to turn it off slap his/her hand.

103. Beep your horn at everything.

104. When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and forth between the person next to you and the light

105. Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, "now which one is the gas again?"

106. After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil.

107. Fill your car with beer bottles.

108. The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs.

109. In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner.

110. Swear at everybody on the road.

111. Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner to hold it up.

tootie · 11-21-2003, 12:56 AM

headache headache
baby cry
kill me now
i want to die

Chris · 11-21-2003, 12:57 AM

Ways to irritate a Telemarketer:

When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm

so glad you asked because no one these days seems to

care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is

acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."

If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask

them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the

company name. Then ask them where it is located.

Continue asking them personal questions or questions

about their company for as long as necessary.

Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God!

Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy

a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out

where the hell she could know you from.

If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family

and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can,

"I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"

If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for

bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask

them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you

can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they

cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't

want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer

will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"

Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke.

"Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's ya been?"

Tell them to talk V-E-R-Y V-E-R-Y S-L-O-W-L-Y, because

you want to write down EVERY WORD.

Chris · 11-21-2003, 12:57 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by tootie
headache headache
baby cry
kill me now
i want to die

I'm just a sexy girl.

Chris · 11-21-2003, 12:58 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by tootie
thnx

Your welcome
I'm just a sexy girl!

tootie · 11-21-2003, 12:59 AM

Chris · 11-21-2003, 01:01 AM

nofx · 11-21-2003, 01:01 AM

w00t w00t

Chris · 11-21-2003, 01:01 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by tootie
ow

A/S/L

SuicideMachine · 11-21-2003, 01:01 AM

ddddddd

SuicideMachine · 11-21-2003, 01:02 AM

dddddddddddddddd

Chris · 11-21-2003, 01:02 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by nofx
w00t w00t

????

SuicideMachine · 11-21-2003, 01:02 AM

do me

Chris · 11-21-2003, 01:02 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by SuicideMachine
dddddddddddddddd

I'm just a sexy girl.

Chris · 11-21-2003, 01:03 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by SuicideMachine
do me

A/S/L

SuicideMachine · 11-21-2003, 01:03 AM

................

nofx · 11-21-2003, 01:04 AM

do do do do la la la

SuicideMachine · 11-21-2003, 01:04 AM

lets bone

Chris · 11-21-2003, 01:04 AM

I'm just a sexy girl.

Brought to you by :

SuicideMachine · 11-21-2003, 01:05 AM

blow me

Chris · 11-21-2003, 01:05 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by SuicideMachine
lets bone

A 2 THE S 2 THE IZZLE

nofx · 11-21-2003, 01:05 AM

fuck ADS

SuicideMachine · 11-21-2003, 01:06 AM

knob me

SuicideMachine · 11-21-2003, 01:07 AM

are you down for the izzo

11-21-2003, 12:45 AM	#351
Chris Too lazy to set a custom title Industry Role: Join Date: May 2003 Location: icq: 71462500 Skype: Jupzchris Posts: 27,880	Hilarious Quotes XI Hilarious Newspaper Headlines (the best of 1999) 1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies 2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say 3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers 4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case 5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms 6. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope 7. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over 8. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands 9. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids 10. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead 11. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told 12. Miners Refuse to Work After Death 13. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant 14. Stolen Painting Found by Tree 15. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter 16. War Dims Hope for Peace 17. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While 18. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide 19. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge 20. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group 21. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space 22. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks 23. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half 24. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead __________________ [email protected]

11-21-2003, 12:46 AM	#353
Chris Too lazy to set a custom title Industry Role: Join Date: May 2003 Location: icq: 71462500 Skype: Jupzchris Posts: 27,880	Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization? Answer: Princess Diana's death. Question: How come? Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whiskey, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines!And this is sent to you by an American, using Bill Gates' technology Which he enjoyed stealing from the Japanese. And you are probably reading this on one of the IBM clones that use Taiwanese-made chips, and Korean-made monitors, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by lorries driven by Indians, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, trucked by Mexican illegal aliens, and finally sold to you. That, my friend, is Globalization! Finally, an explanation in English __________________ [email protected]

11-21-2003, 12:46 AM	#354
nofx Too lazy to set a custom title Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Virgin Mary's womb Posts: 16,826	where is the love? __________________ Often times I wonder why There's love and hate, theres live or die. When sickness comes I must decide: When feelings go, theres suicide.

11-21-2003, 12:46 AM	#355
Chris Too lazy to set a custom title Industry Role: Join Date: May 2003 Location: icq: 71462500 Skype: Jupzchris Posts: 27,880	I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: * I do physical labour * I work at great depths * I am always using my head first * I do not get RDO's, weekends off or public holidays * I work in a damp environment * I don't get paid overtime or shift penalties * I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation * I work in high temperatures * My work exposes me to contagious diseases Response from Human Resources After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons: * You do not work 8 hours straight * You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods * You do not always follow the orders of the management team * You do not stay in your assigned position, and often visit other areas * You take a lot of non-rostered breaks * You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working * You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift * You don't always observe OH&S measures, such as wearing the correct protective outfits * You don't like working double shifts * You sometimes leave your assigned position before you have completed your work * And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the work place carrying 2 suspicious looking bags! __________________ [email protected]

11-21-2003, 12:46 AM	#357
Chris Too lazy to set a custom title Industry Role: Join Date: May 2003 Location: icq: 71462500 Skype: Jupzchris Posts: 27,880	Words Women Use Study this and know it! FINE This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks this will cause you to have one of those arguments. FIVE MINUTES This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade. NOTHING This means "something", and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. 'Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with 'Fine'. GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine". GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off. LOUD SIGH This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing". SOFT SIGH Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content. THAT'S OKAY This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow. GO AHEAD. At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble. PLEASE DO This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay." THANKS A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome. THANKS A LOT This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing." __________________ [email protected]

11-21-2003, 12:47 AM	#359
tootie Confirmed User Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Planet Earp Posts: 6,041	__________________

11-21-2003, 12:47 AM	#360
Chris Too lazy to set a custom title Industry Role: Join Date: May 2003 Location: icq: 71462500 Skype: Jupzchris Posts: 27,880	Stella Awards It's time once again to consider the candidates for the annual Stella Awards. The Stella's are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonalds. That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States. The following are this year's candidates: 1. Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a nightclub in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses. 2. Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next-door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun. 3. A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hub caps. 4. A. Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 a! after she slipped on a soft drink spill and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. 5. Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't reenter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000. 6. A jury of her peers awarded Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, $780,000 after breaking her ankle by tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son. 7. This year's favorite could easily be Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the R.V. left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's manual that he couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreation vehicles. __________________ [email protected]

11-21-2003, 12:47 AM	#361
Chris Too lazy to set a custom title Industry Role: Join Date: May 2003 Location: icq: 71462500 Skype: Jupzchris Posts: 27,880	Growing up in the 80's Dear Kids of America: When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways through year 'round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A average despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death! And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way I was going to lay a bunch of shit like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it. But.... Now that I've reached the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! Compared to my childhood, you live in a freaking Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it! When I was a kid we didn't have The Internet -- we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves! And there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter -- with a pen! --and then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there! And there were no MP3s or Napster! You wanted to steal music, you had to go to the record store and shoplift it yourself! Or we had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and mess it all up! You want to hear about hardship? You couldn't just download porn! You had to bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the 7-11! Those were your options! We didn't have fancy stuff like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either. When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was. It could be your boss, your mom, a collections agent, you didn't know! You just had to pick it up and take your chances! We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked! Your guy was a little square and in order to have any fun you had to rely on your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win, the game just kept on getting harder and faster until you died! When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! A tall guy sat in front of you, you were out of luck. And sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 20 channels and there was no on screen menu! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning. Did you hear what I said you lazy little freaks? We had to wait all week for cartoons! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980! .....But I don't want to lecture you. __________________ [email protected]

11-21-2003, 12:48 AM	#362
Chris Too lazy to set a custom title Industry Role: Join Date: May 2003 Location: icq: 71462500 Skype: Jupzchris Posts: 27,880	Things to do with your AOL Disks. At a restaurant, shove one under a wobbling table leg. Christmas ornaments (the more the merrier). Give them to young children play with. Room dividers for hamsters. Drink coasters. Ice scraper. Bathroom tile. Air hockey puck. Dog chew toy. Pooper scooper. Grill scraper. Destroy them - smash, burn, or run over to relieve stress. Light switch cover. Chinese throwing stars. Halloween treat. Firewood. Paper weights. Incense burners (put stick in hole of disk hub and light the incense). Put them on car windshields at the mall. Hand them out as party favors. House insulation. Grind them up to make fake snow. Hood ornament. Give them as stocking stuffers. Use them as elbow and knee pads. Use them to decorate your aquarium and create Comp USA underwater. Baby mobile. Fence (may need a few thousand). __________________ [email protected]

11-21-2003, 12:48 AM	#363
nofx Too lazy to set a custom title Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Virgin Mary's womb Posts: 16,826	__________________ Often times I wonder why There's love and hate, theres live or die. When sickness comes I must decide: When feelings go, theres suicide.

11-21-2003, 12:48 AM	#364
tootie Confirmed User Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Planet Earp Posts: 6,041	Ack! Baby awake ALREADY! __________________

11-21-2003, 12:48 AM	#365
Chris Too lazy to set a custom title Industry Role: Join Date: May 2003 Location: icq: 71462500 Skype: Jupzchris Posts: 27,880	WBAM FM Chicago - Mate Match On the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago, the DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match." The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers yes, he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down: DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?" Contestant: (laughing) "Yes I have." DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando,Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please." Contestant: "Brian." DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?" Brian: "Yes." DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?" Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married." DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please." Brian: "Sara." DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?" Brian: "She is gonna kill me." DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?" Brian: (laughing) Yes, she's at work." DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?" Brian: "She is gonna kill me." DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!" Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning." DJ: "Atta boy, Brian." Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..." DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?" Brian: "About 10 minutes." DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake." Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice." DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?" Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..." DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?" Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her Mom is staying for a couple of weeks..." DJ: "Uh huh..." Brian: "...and the Mother-in-law was in the shower at the Time." DJ: "Atta boy, Brian." Brian: "On the kitchen table." DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this. (3 minutes of commercials follow.) DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?" (touchtones ringing) Clerk: "Kinkos." DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?" Clerk: "This is she." DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now." Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?" DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo...do you know the rules of 'Mate match'?" Sarah: "No." DJ: "Good!" Brian: (laughing) Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?" Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest." DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?" Sarah: (laughing) "Yes." DJ: "All right. When did you last have sex, Sarah?" Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work." DJ: "What time?" Sarah: "Around 8 this morning." DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?" Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe." DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?" Sarah: (laughing) "Yes." DJ: "Where did you have it?" Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?" Brian: "Just tell him, honey." DJ: "What is bothering you so much,Sarah?" Sarah: "Well, it's just that my Mom is vacationing with us and..." DJ: "She saw?" Sarah: "BRIAN?!" Brian: "No, no I didn't..." DJ: "Ease up there, sister. Just messing' with your head. Your answer, please?" Sara: "Dear Lord...I cannot believe you told them this." Brian: "Come on, honey, it's for a free trip to Florida." DJ: "Let's go, sister. We ain't got all day here. Where did you do it?" Sarah: (short pause) "In the ass." (long, long pause) DJ: "We'll be right back after a word from our sponsors." __________________ [email protected]

11-21-2003, 12:49 AM	#366
nofx Too lazy to set a custom title Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Virgin Mary's womb Posts: 16,826	WHERE IS THAT $500!!!!!!!! __________________ Often times I wonder why There's love and hate, theres live or die. When sickness comes I must decide: When feelings go, theres suicide.

11-21-2003, 12:49 AM	#367
Chris Too lazy to set a custom title Industry Role: Join Date: May 2003 Location: icq: 71462500 Skype: Jupzchris Posts: 27,880	How To Beat A Speeding Ticket. A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange: Officer: May I see your driver's license? Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI. Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle? Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: There's a gun in the glove box? Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk. Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!? Driver: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called his Captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation: Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid. Captain: Whose car is this? Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. The driver owned the car. Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it? Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box. Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it. Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body. Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk. Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too! __________________ [email protected]

11-21-2003, 12:49 AM	#368
Chris Too lazy to set a custom title Industry Role: Join Date: May 2003 Location: icq: 71462500 Skype: Jupzchris Posts: 27,880	EVER WONDERED WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE IF DEAR ABBY WAS A MAN? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Mr. Abby: Q: My husband wants a threesome with my bestfriend and me. A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing - your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old collage roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral on him. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Mr. Abby: Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him. A: Do it. Sperm can help you loose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Mr. Abby: Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys. A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the house too!). Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral on him. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Mr. Abby: Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is. A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral on him and cook him a delicious meal. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Mr. Abby: Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep never giving me one. A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Mr. Abby: Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay. A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral on him. __________________ [email protected]

11-21-2003, 12:50 AM	#369
Chris Too lazy to set a custom title Industry Role: Join Date: May 2003 Location: icq: 71462500 Skype: Jupzchris Posts: 27,880	Rodney Dangerfield 1 Liners I know what day of the week you were born. I was so poor growing up ... If I wasn't born a boy .... I'd have nothing to play with. A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. One day as I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy ... "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early." It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. I was such an ugly kid .... When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up. I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. I was such an ugly baby ... My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend. I'm so ugly ... My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry .... We did everything we could ... But he pulled through. I'm so ugly ... My mother had morning sickness ... AFTER I was born. I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. Once when I was lost ... I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him ... "Do you think we'll ever find them? He said, "I don't know kid ... there are so many places they can hide." My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. I'm so ugly ... I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror ... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect." __________________ [email protected]

11-21-2003, 12:51 AM	#370
tootie Confirmed User Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Planet Earp Posts: 6,041	kill me __________________

11-21-2003, 12:51 AM	#371
Chris Too lazy to set a custom title Industry Role: Join Date: May 2003 Location: icq: 71462500 Skype: Jupzchris Posts: 27,880	You know when you're addicted to the internet when.. 1. You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL." 2. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to. 3. You meet the mailman at the curb and swear he said YOU'VE GOT MAIL. 4. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes. 5. You fall asleep, but instead of dreams you get IMs. 6. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have AOL in your car. 7. Your cat has its own homepage. 8. You beg your friends to get an AOL account so you can all "hang out." 9. You have your screen name as your license plate. 10. You actually invite large groups of people to your house and have internet parties. 11. You sit on AOL for 6 hours waiting for that certain special person to sign on. 12. You get up in the morning and check your email before going to the bathroom. 13. The only Family you send Christmas and Birthday Cards to are the ones who have an email address. 14. You?re on the phone and say "BRB". 15. Instead of forplay, you ask your spouse if she/he wants to skip the small talk and cyber. 16. You have internet in your bathroom. 18. You get depressed when you check your email and dont have any. 17. You name your dog DotCom. __________________ [email protected]

11-21-2003, 12:53 AM	#374
Chris Too lazy to set a custom title Industry Role: Join Date: May 2003 Location: icq: 71462500 Skype: Jupzchris Posts: 27,880	Consumer Labels In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods that can be found today being sold in stores nationwide: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1. On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping." (But..., that's the only time I have to work on my hair) 2. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be how. . . ?) 3. On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost." (But it's "just" a suggestion) 4. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down." (Oops, too late!) 5. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (Hmm . . . .) 6. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (But wouldn't this save even more time?) 7. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head colds off those forklifts.) 8. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (One would hope) 9. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to underwater?) 10. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (I gotta admit, I'm curious.) 11. On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts." (NEWS FLASH) 12. On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company, I blame parents for this one.) 13. On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands." (Was there a chance of this happening somewhere? . . . Good grief!) 14. On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid: "Do not use on food." (Hey, Mom, we're out of syrup! It's OK, honey, just grab the Palmolive! __________________ [email protected]

11-21-2003, 12:55 AM	#375
Chris Too lazy to set a custom title Industry Role: Join Date: May 2003 Location: icq: 71462500 Skype: Jupzchris Posts: 27,880	Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes directions: read these outloud (English Phrase) I think you need a facelift (Chinese Phrase) Chin Tu Fat (English Phrase) Are you hiding a fugitive? (Chinese Phrase) Hu Yu Hai Ding? See me A.S.A.P. Kum Hia Nao Stupid Man Dum Gai Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan? I bumped into a coffee table Ai Bang Mai Ni It's very dark in here Wai So Dim This is a tow away zone No Pah King You are not very bright Yu So Dum I got this for free Ai No Pei I am not guilty! Wai Hang Mi? Please stay a while longer Wai Go Nao? They have arrived Hai Dei Kum. Stay out of sight Lei Lo He's cleaning his automobile Wa Sing Ka. Your body odor is offensive Yu Stin Ki I thought you were on a diet? Wai Yu Mun Ching? __________________ [email protected]

11-21-2003, 12:55 AM	#376
Chris Too lazy to set a custom title Industry Role: Join Date: May 2003 Location: icq: 71462500 Skype: Jupzchris Posts: 27,880	Questions that will always remain unanswered. 1. How do blind people know when they are done wiping? 2. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses? 3. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? 4. Is there another word for synonym? 5. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" 6. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? 7. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? 8. Would a fly without wings be called a walk? 9. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? 10. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? 11. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? 12. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? 13. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? 14. What was the best thing before sliced bread? 15. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too? 16. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? 17. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? 18. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it? 19. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"? __________________ [email protected]

11-21-2003, 12:56 AM	#377
Chris Too lazy to set a custom title Industry Role: Join Date: May 2003 Location: icq: 71462500 Skype: Jupzchris Posts: 27,880	The Most Complete List Of Ways To Annoy People, Cops, Your Roommate, And More. At ebaumsworld.com we have the most complete list of how to annoy people found anywhere in the world. Feel free to print this out for future reference. Enjoy! Annoy People -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1. Pay tolls with $100 bills 2. Leave your supermarket cart on the street or in the middle of the parking lot 3. Eat produce at the market; don't buy it 4. When giving directions, leave out a turn or two 5. Leave the outdoor Christmas decorations up until March or April 6. Before exiting the elevator, push all the buttons 7. Knock and ask "How is it going?" to someone constipated in a public bathroom stall. 8. Develop at least three strategies for cutting into the front of lines 9. Announce when you're going to the bathroom 10. Chew other people's pencils 11. Invite lots of people to other people's parties. 12. Wear large hats during the movies 13. Touch strangers 14. Tell little children the truth about Santa Claus 15. Bite your dentist's finger 16. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times. 18. Leave lipstick prints on people's cheeks and foreheads 19. Don't stand during hymns and anthems 20. Dance fast to slow music and vice-versa 21. Tell people they have bad breath 22. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance. 23. Flirt with a friend's spouse 24. Sit in the home bleachers and cheer for the other team 25. Shake with your left hand 26. Use the quote bunnies after every other word you say when talking to someone. 27. Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way". 28. Drum on every available surface. 29. Staple papers in the middle of the page. 30. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go". 31. Honk and wave to strangers. 32. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange. 33. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show. 34. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register. 35. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. 36. Pay for your dinner with pennies. 37. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes. 38. Repeat everything someone says, as a question. 39. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles. 40. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day. 41. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think." Annoy Cops -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 42. Say out loud when he/she approaches you "You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?" 43. Ask to see his gun. 44. When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly. 45. Say out loud "Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!" 46. Slap his hand and say "Bad cop! No donut!" 47. When he frisks you, say "You missed a spot", and grin. 48. After every other sentence oink like a pig quietly to yourself but loud enough for him to hear you. 49. Refer to him by his first name. 50. When he comes up to the car, say "License and registration, please" right when he says it. Annoy Your roomate -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 51. Smoke weed. Do whatever comes naturally. 52. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class. 53. Twitch a lot when you guys eat dinner. 54. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep. 55. Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them. 56. Ask him/her to do you a favor and get you a drink, then when they bring it, slowly pour it on the floor. 57. Clip your toenails while watching a movie or eating dinner. 58. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin. 59. Speak in tongues. 60. Move you roommate's personal effects around. Start subtlely. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling. 61. Walk and talk backwards. 62. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them. 63. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're more than meets the eye." 64. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g."The Road Warrior," "Repo Man," Casablanca,") almost inaudibly. 65. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance at art class (or hit him/her with the wrench). 66. Collect all your urine in a small jug. 67. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food. 68. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are. 69. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks." 70. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to masturbate while reading them. 71. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened. 72. Eat glass. 73. Smoke ballpoint pens. 74. Smile. All the time. 75. Collect dog shit in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you think the dog ate. 76. Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously. 77. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you. 78. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of grievances. 79. Paste snot on the windows in occult patterns. 80. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly. 81. Dye all your underwear lime green. 82. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim. 83. Bye three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet. 84. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it. 85. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due). 86. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty. 87. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks. 88. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them. 89. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley. 90. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative. 91. Shave one eyebrow. 92. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently. 93. Put horseradish in your shoes. 94. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want. 95. Always flush the toilet three times. 96. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often. 97. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class. 98. Give him/her an allowance. 99. Listen to radio static. 100. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up. 101. Wear sunglasses at night. Bump into things often. Swear loudly. Annoy your examiner during a Driver's Test -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 102. Turn the radio on. When the testor goes to turn it off slap his/her hand. 103. Beep your horn at everything. 104. When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and forth between the person next to you and the light 105. Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, "now which one is the gas again?" 106. After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil. 107. Fill your car with beer bottles. 108. The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs. 109. In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner. 110. Swear at everybody on the road. 111. Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner to hold it up. __________________ [email protected]

11-21-2003, 12:56 AM	#378
tootie Confirmed User Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Planet Earp Posts: 6,041	headache headache baby cry kill me now i want to die __________________

11-21-2003, 12:57 AM	#379
Chris Too lazy to set a custom title Industry Role: Join Date: May 2003 Location: icq: 71462500 Skype: Jupzchris Posts: 27,880	Ways to irritate a Telemarketer: When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?" If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's ya been?" Tell them to talk V-E-R-Y V-E-R-Y S-L-O-W-L-Y, because you want to write down EVERY WORD. __________________ [email protected]

11-21-2003, 12:59 AM	#382
tootie Confirmed User Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Planet Earp Posts: 6,041	ow __________________

11-21-2003, 01:01 AM	#383
Chris Too lazy to set a custom title Industry Role: Join Date: May 2003 Location: icq: 71462500 Skype: Jupzchris Posts: 27,880	__________________ [email protected]

11-21-2003, 01:01 AM	#384
nofx Too lazy to set a custom title Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Virgin Mary's womb Posts: 16,826	w00t w00t __________________ Often times I wonder why There's love and hate, theres live or die. When sickness comes I must decide: When feelings go, theres suicide.

11-21-2003, 01:01 AM	#386
SuicideMachine Confirmed User Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: los angeles Posts: 1,141	ddddddd

11-21-2003, 01:02 AM	#387
SuicideMachine Confirmed User Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: los angeles Posts: 1,141	dddddddddddddddd

11-21-2003, 01:02 AM	#389
SuicideMachine Confirmed User Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: los angeles Posts: 1,141	do me

11-21-2003, 01:03 AM	#392
SuicideMachine Confirmed User Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: los angeles Posts: 1,141	................

11-21-2003, 01:04 AM	#393
nofx Too lazy to set a custom title Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Virgin Mary's womb Posts: 16,826	do do do do la la la __________________ Often times I wonder why There's love and hate, theres live or die. When sickness comes I must decide: When feelings go, theres suicide.

11-21-2003, 01:04 AM	#394
SuicideMachine Confirmed User Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: los angeles Posts: 1,141	lets bone

11-21-2003, 01:04 AM	#395
Chris Too lazy to set a custom title Industry Role: Join Date: May 2003 Location: icq: 71462500 Skype: Jupzchris Posts: 27,880	I'm just a sexy girl. Brought to you by : __________________ [email protected]

11-21-2003, 01:05 AM	#396
SuicideMachine Confirmed User Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: los angeles Posts: 1,141	blow me