Deepundercover

I had dinner with a woman Tuesday night. For once, I did not want desert. She did but asked if I would have a bite. I agreed.

We shared a three-layered chocolate cake. I found myself eating more than her. She had to remind me not to finish it off. There was a strawberry on top. Without thinking, I picked it up and put it in my mouth. Before I chewed on it, I realized I had done something wrong.

"I'm sorry. I should've asked you first," I mumbled with the berry in my mouth, before I crunched it.

I do that a lot. Once a woman wanted to sample my soup. After I finished my bowl, I looked at her, remembered her request, and said, "Oops."

Other observations about dating and dining:

* I always come to my decision on what to order five to ten minutes before her.

* She's (including David Poland) more likely to send something back.

* She's more likely to discuss the menu and to ask me what I'm getting. I rarely ask a woman what she's getting. I don't really care so long as it is not meat, particularly non-kosher meat, which grosses me out (but I rarely say that on a date, though I am getting more finicky as I age).

* Women rarely order alcohol on a date with me because I don't drink.

* I usually eat more. I dig in, finish first, and clean my plate. Women are much more delicate and dainty in their approach and they usually leave food behind on their plate.

* I always make a joke or some introductory remark before escorting a woman for the first time to a ride in my van. Some women say that's because I'm self conscious and embarrassed about my vehicle. I say with Dennis Prager that if there's an 800-pound gorilla in the room, you acknowledge it.

* Women are usually late when you pick them up. You agree on a time, say 7PM. I always arrive on time. It's usually 7:15PM before we get away. I think this is a power trip. Women like to test you early on to see if you are a wimp who will wait around on them and let them abuse you. So I always bring a book to read while I wait. I should start bringing it on a date for those long awkward pauses while she studies the menu like it is a Torah, goes to the bathroom for ten minutes, or worst of all, talks on her cell phone. I hate it when a woman takes a call on her cell during a date. I think it's highly disrespectful of me (unless it is a life and death emergency). I'm about ready to bolt the date as the minutes go by while she chats on her cell phone. But then again, I figure she has to put up with a lot from me - my sarcasm, dumpy van and hovel, narcissism, misanthropy, finicky eating habits, interesting choice of subjects to write about.

* I should always ask first what type of restaurant the woman would like to go to before heading out with her to my favorite vegetarian place.

www.lukeford.net

ZakAttack

Yes, woman normally do that stuff as a bullshit test. Bringing a book sure won't pass it though. You have to take charge and take control of the situation in an active, positive way. That's really what they're looking for you to do.