DarkJedi

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:


Drink liquor

Suppose you are at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.

Make things up

Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove that Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you'll be damned if you're going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid." Say instead: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836..07 before the mean gross poverty level."


NOTE: Always make up exact figures

If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission published on May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say, "You left your soiled underwear in my bathroom."


Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases.

Memorize this list:

Let me put it this way

In terms of

Vis-a-vis

Per se

As it were

Qua

So to speak

You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.", "e.g.", and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you don't."

Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say, "Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money."

You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say, "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D."

Only a fool would challenge that statement.



Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks

You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are:

You're begging the question.

You're being defensive.

Don't compare apples to oranges.

What are your parameters?

This last one is especially valuable. Nobody (other than engineers and policy wonks) has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means.


Here's how to use your comebacks:

You say: As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873...

Your opponent says: Lincoln died in 1865.

You say: You're begging the question.


You say: Liberians, like most Asians...

Your opponent says: Liberia is in Africa.

You say: You're being defensive.


Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler

This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say, "That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say," or "You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler."

So that's it. You now know how to out-argue anybody. Do not try to pull any of this on people who generally carry weapons.

Ice

Dark...hit me up on icq 1904905 I need to talk to you

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icq 1904905

X-Wing

If your words can not convince use them to confuse.

baddog

I prefer to state it as, "if you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit."

X-Wing

Nice one baddog, actually I read that in "the art of war" from Sun Tzu, but since I read it in Spanish I don't know the exact translation.

4Pics

best way to win is to not get in one to begin with.

or if all else fails use a gun.

baddog

I will have to read it again, I do not remember Sun Tzu ever saying if you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit. But that is what he meant in today's terms.

baddog

what fun would that be?

brand0n

You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler

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Stud Money

now you are just arguing the point ;)

Mr. Jim

This never fails:

WHATever Man....

Shut the Fuck Up!

Then repeat everytime they say another word

NetRodent

This isn't usenet, but I think Godwin's Law still applies.

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"Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats."
--H.L. Mencken

lakers

I heard this one before

Winning an argument is like winning the special olympics

The Truth Hurts

Do it the Democrat way..
Start insulting the other guy.

Stud Money

You are incorrect.

That is the GFY way

galleryseek

You're trying to compare apples and oranges buddy.

Stud Money

What parameters do you base that statement on?

galleryseek

Pffft, sounds like something Hitler would say.

chuk

If you can't baffle them with brilliance befuddle them with bullshit.

Stud Money

But Hitler is dead.

Nanda

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My Ex-husband SKULL-BUITRE ran off to Colombia with OUR money and screwed me after I helped him build OUR business.
He is hiding in Colombia and never paid the settlement $ from our divorce!

baddog

I have better hair

tulup

well then based on the valuable info i am going to stick my dick in everyones business and argue a valid reason why i am there...


sir why are you fucking my wife....
well based on a study created by dr. j hamilon in his book its ok to fuck your buddys wife published by newbury publishing in 1996 on chapter 7 how to argue your way out of a fucked up situation...
its ok for me to fuck your wife indeed it is a good thing it will improve your relationship with her and make her happy as well as it will get my large member wet and make my happy, in turn it will make us better friends and so on and so on... so as you can see by dr. j hamiltons study we all will live a more fulfilled and happy life if i continue my activities so will you please shut the door so that you and your wife can have a more plesant life together....
now see how well that went over?
we all will have a perfect life now if we all just let our friends fuck our wives....
of corse if anyone touches my gf i will stretch theyr ball sack over theyr head