Quote:
Originally Posted by kyro
(Post 19408721)
take you for example. you ruined young girls lives and had no problems doing it until your girlfriend left you and your wife tried to take your kid away. not to mention you were failing out of adult anyway. so you were weak and turned to religion and let the xxx church nuts use you as their show pony to help them collect more donations so they could line their pockets.
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My son's mom has never tried to take him from me. She would never do that, because she's a great mother and knows how important it is for our son to have me in his life. Other than that, you remember facts rather well, even though all you're doing is regurgitating things I openly discuss.
There are some things you've missed, however, but probably because I've only recently started being honest about them. The biggest one is this:
I really need to stop telling people that Belinda left me. It's not true, and it took a long time before that hit me and I was honest with myself about it. I've stepped on so many stages and told my story so many times, saying she left me. It's cowardly to continue saying so.
The truth is, I was feeling so sorry for myself that I let myself believe that to be the case. A friend had to remind me that I was the one who demanded her to leave. My immediate response was, "Yeah, but I didn't really want her to go. I was just saying that and hoping she'd fight to stay." That's the truth of it... I kept telling her over and over and over again that she just needed to leave, and one day she finally did as I'd demanded.
But you're right: it took intense personal pain before I truly realized what I was doing to others while producing in this business. The crap we were involved in ripped me apart in almost every way, and I was finally able to identify with others.
It wouldn't have been so painful, if I hadn't lied to myself so much and believed those lies. Examples:
- When it came to her, I never thought anyone else would be a threat to me. I felt better than everyone, so how could she possibly want anyone else? Reality was hard to face.
- The person she chose was someone I called a friend but who I really saw as being SUCH a puke that he never possibly would be someone she wanted long term even IF she was looking. That's part of the reason I picked him to get involved in the sick crap we did, because it felt safe for him to be the one. He had characteristics she'd always despised, and everyone I knew talked crap about him behind his back, saying how fake and immature he was and how he could never be trusted, even though it was fun to be around him in party atmospheres (and indeed, it was definitely fun to be around him). I never in a million years thought she'd actually want to BE with such a person. When it turned out that she started having feelings for him I couldn't deal with it. Logically, it made no sense to me... and yet it was true. I freaked out. There were many chances to stop all that was going on, and she would have respected that decision, but I wanted it to stop because SHE wanted it to stop, not because I demanded it.
- Once reality set in, I started feeling completely betrayed and had to re-analyze who I even was as a person. I felt lower than dog shit, but still didn't want to admit that to anyone... not even myself. I kept up my pretenses by hiding behind fake ego when in actuality any real ego had been shattered.
There's lots more, of course, but basically it boils down to this: once a person hits bottom themselves, it's easier to see the others around them who are hurting. There's no way I could keep shooting porn. No way. No amount of hatred towards religion, which is one of the things that had fueled me when I was in the business, was enough. Easy money wasn't enough, either. I just couldn't do it anymore. I realized the pain I was feeling was not any less than the pain that was felt by some of those who had sobbed and told their sad stories while begging me to remove all their content from the Internet.
Any "failing out of adult" that you assert would have been self-imposed because of being too wrapped up inside myself and my pain. We had more business available to us than at any time, ever. All we had to do was pick up the cameras and shoot it. Instead, I'd often sit alone in a rocking chair in the second master bedroom, staring at walls and feeling sorry for myself. And I'd get angry that my fiance wouldn't come help me, then angry again when she tried, telling her to just move out.
But all things work for good if a person is willing to look for that good. Once all the emotional pain had taken over, I doubt anything other than turning to God would have fixed it for me, and I seriously doubt Belinda ever would have embraced Christianity. So... it was all over no matter what. I DO regret the way we parted and the way I acted during that time. I'd much rather have parted civilly. My best friend is still friends with her. Long ago he asked me if I wanted him to stop talking to her and I told him no. I was able to think logically about that, rather than emotionally, and saw no reason he needed to cut out a really cool person from his life simply because I screwed up.
XXX Church didn't use me to line their pockets. Most of them really believe in what they do, and the majority of the staff you see publicly is made up of volunteers who have spent their own money to attend the events where you meet them. Did my story increase donations at the time? Sure. But as a registered non-profit, the officers on staff have a set salary. They don't personally benefit from an increase in donations.
