Need a good laugh?

[Tala]

Post your funnies here.


A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your low-income asses in the train, cause we are going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "all passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for traveling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She then hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

[Penrod]

[jact]

I'd kill my 5 year old if he said anything like that, but it's funny as hell.

[MCsteve-matrix]

> >I was happy. My girlfriend and I were dating for
> over a year, and so we decided to get married. My
> parents helped us in every way, my friends
> encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
> >There was only one thing bothering me, quite much
> indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was
> a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and
> sexy, who sometimes
> >flirted with me, which made me feel uncomfortable.
> >One day she called me and asked me to come over to
> check the wedding invitations. So I went. She was
> alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that
> soon I was to be married, and she
> >had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't
> overcome.
> >So before I got married and commited my life to her
> daughter, she wanted to make love to me just once..
> >What could I say? I was in total shock, and
> couldn't say a word.
> >So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you
> are up for it, just come and get me.
> >I just watched her delicious behind as she went up
> the stairs.
> >I stood there for a moment, and then turned around
> and went to the front door...
> >I opened it, and stepped out of the house.
> >Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in
> his eyes, hugged me and said, we are very happy and
> pleased, you have passed our little test.
> >We couldn't have asked for a better man for our
> daughter. Welcome to the family.
> >Moral of the story:
> >Always keep your condoms in your car.

[Tala]

One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the woman a bitch and the woman called the man a bastard.
Their son walked in and said "whats that mean?"

The parents told him it meant ladies and gentlemen.

The next day the parents decided to have sex, the woman said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick" their son walked in and asked "whats that mean?" and the parents said it meant hats and coats.

On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "shit" he said, the kid came in, "whats that mean?" and the man said that it was the brand shaving cream he was using.

Downstairs the mom was preparing the turkey and she cut herself with the knife, "fuck" she said, once again ther kid came in and said "whats that mean?" the mom said thats was what she was doing to the turkey, then the door bell rang and the kid answered the door to see his relatives for thanksgiving, the kid said, "alright you bastards and bitches, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is down here fucking the turkey!

[Tala]

Originally posted by MCsteve-matrix
> >I was happy. My girlfriend and I were dating for
> over a year, and so we decided to get married. My
> parents helped us in every way, my friends
> encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
> >There was only one thing bothering me, quite much
> indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was
> a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and
> sexy, who sometimes
> >flirted with me, which made me feel uncomfortable.
> >One day she called me and asked me to come over to
> check the wedding invitations. So I went. She was
> alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that
> soon I was to be married, and she
> >had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't
> overcome.
> >So before I got married and commited my life to her
> daughter, she wanted to make love to me just once..
> >What could I say? I was in total shock, and
> couldn't say a word.
> >So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you
> are up for it, just come and get me.
> >I just watched her delicious behind as she went up
> the stairs.
> >I stood there for a moment, and then turned around
> and went to the front door...
> >I opened it, and stepped out of the house.
> >Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in
> his eyes, hugged me and said, we are very happy and
> pleased, you have passed our little test.
> >We couldn't have asked for a better man for our
> daughter. Welcome to the family.
> >Moral of the story:
> >Always keep your condoms in your car.

[Tala]

A man walks into a sperm bank and declares I'm of royal blood and an I.Q. of 165, I'd like to make a donation. The nurse gives him a sealed cup and directs him to a provate room. 20 minutes later the man hasn't come out, the nurse knocks on the door. "Is there a problem?"
"I'm so embarrassed, I used my right hand. I used my left hand. I poured cold water on it and hot water on it. Could you help me? The nurse replied "I don't usually do this but you are kinda cute..."
She gets on her knees and begins to blow him.
"I really appreciate this, but I need help getting the cap off the jar!"

[Mr. Jim]

Originally posted by jact


I'd kill my 5 year old if he said anything like that, but it's funny as hell.

ummmmmm......it's a joke

[Steve]

these were great
someone please re-post that HARR story
that killed me

[sexyclicks]

there are 3 guys going to jail for the rest of their life
so the jail dude says "you can each take something with you to spend your time"

so the first guy takes a chess with him "the game of chess is always exciting can keep you busy for years"

the second guy gets some cards "with the cards you can play different games - I'm good for many years"

the third guy takes a box of TAMPON with him
the jail dude asks him wtf is he doing
so the guy says "look on the box, its written that you can run, do horseriding, ski etc. etc."

[MCsteve-matrix]

A woman is in a terrible car accident and, as a result, is in a coma.
Doctors try everything they can think of, but nothing will bring her
out of it. Once a week, a nurse comes in to give the woman a bath. She notices that every time she gets the sponge near the woman's crotch, her vital signs seem to pick up. After a few weeks, she begins to think that maybe oral sex would help bring the woman around.

She calls the woman's husband, explains what she's noticed and her plan, and asks the husband if he'd like to give it a try. He agrees to give oral sex a try, and rushes down to the hospital. He is led to the woman's private room, and a curtain is drawn around her bed to give them some privacy. The man is behind the curtain for a few minutes, when a scream from the room brings the doctors and nurses running in. The husband is standing there, and the doctors rush past him to examine the woman. All of her vital signs have stopped - she is dead. The doctors ask the husband what went wrong. "I don't know", he said, "I think she
choked".

[Tala]

Originally posted by MCsteve-matrix
A woman is in a terrible car accident and, as a result, is in a coma.
Doctors try everything they can think of, but nothing will bring her
out of it. Once a week, a nurse comes in to give the woman a bath. She notices that every time she gets the sponge near the woman's crotch, her vital signs seem to pick up. After a few weeks, she begins to think that maybe oral sex would help bring the woman around.

She calls the woman's husband, explains what she's noticed and her plan, and asks the husband if he'd like to give it a try. He agrees to give oral sex a try, and rushes down to the hospital. He is led to the woman's private room, and a curtain is drawn around her bed to give them some privacy. The man is behind the curtain for a few minutes, when a scream from the room brings the doctors and nurses running in. The husband is standing there, and the doctors rush past him to examine the woman. All of her vital signs have stopped - she is dead. The doctors ask the husband what went wrong. "I don't know", he said, "I think she
choked".

[Tala]

A proper man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for 500 bucks. So they did, and before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his
secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the
price. So he had his secretary send a check for 250 bucks and enclosed
the following note:
Dear Madam,
Enclosed find a check in the amount of 250 bucks for rent of your
apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when
I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat;
3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and at home.
Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check
for 250.00 with the following note:

Dear Sir:
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady.

[bugout]

In case you missed it last time...


There's a guy walking along the beach meditating. Suddenly he yells out, "God just give me one wish, that's is all that I ask."

Immediately a booming voice comes out of the heavens, and says, "Ok son, you have earned it. What would you like?" The guy says, I'd like you to build me a bridge to all the way to Hawaii. I love Hawaii, and that way I could go visit anytime I wanted. God says, "I can do this, but that would take a tremondous amount of infrastructure and isn't that sort of materialistic? Try and think something a little more simple and yet still honors me."

The guy thinks a long time and says, "Ok, that beautiful creation of yours, the woman, I want to understand her. I want to know what it means when she gives me the silent treatment, what she is thinking, why she changes her mind all the time. I want to understand a woman."

God says, "Would you like two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

[Tala]

Originally posted by bugout
In case you missed it last time...


There's a guy walking along the beach meditating. Suddenly he yells out, "God just give me one wish, that's is all that I ask."

Immediately a booming voice comes out of the heavens, and says, "Ok son, you have earned it. What would you like?" The guy says, I'd like you to build me a bridge to all the way to Hawaii. I love Hawaii, and that way I could go visit anytime I wanted. God says, "I can do this, but that would take a tremondous amount of infrastructure and isn't that sort of materialistic? Try and think something a little more simple and yet still honors me."

The guy thinks a long time and says, "Ok, that beautiful creation of yours, the woman, I want to understand her. I want to know what it means when she gives me the silent treatment, what she is thinking, why she changes her mind all the time. I want to understand a woman."

God says, "Would you like two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

[foe]

Originally posted by Steve
these were great
someone please re-post that HARR story
that killed me

Girl: Hi
Boy: hello
Boy: who is this?
Girl: just a someone?
Boy: A someone I know?
Girl: nope
Boy: Then why the hell are you bothering me?
Girl: well sorrrrrry
Girl: I just wanted to chat with you
Boy: why?
Girl: nevermind your an asshole
Boy: Hey wait a minute
Girl: yes?
Boy: look I'm sorry. I'm just a little paranoid
Girl: paranoid?
Boy: yes
Girl: of what?
Girl: me?
Boy: No. I'm in hiding.
Girl: LOL
Boy: Don't fucking laugh at me!
Boy: This shit is serious!
Girl: What are you hiding from?
Boy: The cops.
Girl: gimme a fucking break
Boy: I'm serious.
Girl: I don't get it
Boy: The cops are after me.
Girl: For what?
Boy: I'm wanted in three states
Girl: For???
Boy: It's kindof embarrasing.
Boy: I had sex with a turkey.
Boy: Hello?
Girl: You are fucking sick.
Boy: Send me your picture.
Girl: why?
Boy: so I know you aren't one of them.
Girl: One of what?
Boy: The cops.
Girl: I'm not a cop i told you
Boy: Then send me your picture.
Girl: hold on
Boy: Hurry up.
Boy: Are you there?
Boy: fuck you, cop!
Girl: Hey sorry
Girl: I had to do something for my mom.
Boy: I thought you were trying to find a picture to send to me.
Boy: When really you were notifying the authorities.
Boy: Weren't you!?
Girl: thats not it
Boy: Then what?
Girl: I don't want to send you the picture cause I'm not pretty
Boy: Most cops aren't
Girl: IM NOT A FUCKING COP YOU DICKHEAD!
Boy: Then send me the picture.
Girl: fine. What's your e-mail?
Boy: Just send it through here.
Girl: alright *PIC*
Girl: Did you get it?
Boy: Hold on. I'm looking.
Girl: That was me back in may
Girl: I've lost weight since then.
Boy: I hope so
Girl: what?!?
Girl: that hurt my feelings.
Boy: Did it?
Girl: Yes. I'm not that much smaller than that now.
Boy: Will it make you feel better if I send you my picture?
Girl: yes
Boy: Alright let me find it.
Girl: kks
Boy: Okay here it is. *PIC*
Girl: this isn't you.
Boy: I'll be damned if it ain't!
Girl: You don't look like that.
Boy: How the hell do you know?
Girl: cause your profile has another picture.
Boy: The profile pic is a fake.
Boy: I use it to hide from the cops.
Girl: You look like the Farm Fresh guy lol
Boy: Well, you look like you ATE the Farm Fresh guy....
Boy: Not to mention all the groceries.
Girl: Go fuck yourself
Boy: I was going to until I saw that picture
Boy: Now my dick won't get hard for a week.
Girl: I shouldn't have sent you that picture.
Girl: You've done nothing but slam me.
Girl: you hurt me.
Boy: And calling me the Farm Fresh guy doesn't hurt me?
Girl: I thought you were bullshitting me!
Boy: Why would I do that?
Girl: I can't believe that cops are after you
Boy: I can't believe Santa lets you sit on his lap..
Girl: FUC YOU!!!
Boy: You'd break both of his legs.
Girl: You're a FUCKing asshole.
Girl: I've been teased my whole life because of my weight
Girl: and you make fun of me when you don't even know me
Boy: Ok. I'm sorry.
Girl: No you aren't
Boy: You're right. I'm not.
Boy: HAARRRRR!
Girl: I'm done with you
Boy: Aww. I'm sorry.
Girl: I'm putting you on ignore
Boy: Wait a sec
Boy: We got off on the wrong foot.
Boy: Wanna start over?
Girl: No
Boy: I'll eat your pussy
Girl: You'll what?
Boy: You heard me.
Boy: I said I'd eat your pussy.
Girl: I thought you said you couldn't get it hard after seeing my picture
Boy: Do I need a hard-on to eat your pussy?
Girl: I'd like to know that the man eating me out is excited yes
Boy: Well I'm not like most men.
Boy: I get excited in different ways.
Girl: Like what?
Boy: Do you really wanna know?
Girl: I don't know
Boy: You have to tell me yes or no.
Girl: I'm afraid to
Boy: Why?
Girl: cause
Boy: cause why?
Girl: well lets see
Girl: you say you have sex with turkeys. You call me fat. then you wanna eat me out
Girl: doesn't that seem strange to you?
Boy: Nope
Girl: well its strange to me
Boy: Fine. I won't do it if you don't want me to
Girl: I didn't say that
Boy: So is that a yes?
Girl: I guess so.
Boy: Ok. I need your help getting excited though.
Boy: Are you willing?
Girl: What do you need me to do?
Boy: I need you talk like a pirate.
Girl: ???
Boy: When I start to go limp... you say "HARRRR!!!"
Boy: ok?
Boy: Hello?
Girl: You can't be serious
Boy: Oh yes I am!
Boy: It's my fantasy.
Girl: this is retarded
Boy: Do you want it or not?
Girl: Yes I want it.
Boy: Then you'll do it for me?
Girl: sure
Boy: Ok. Here we go.
Boy: I gently remove your panties and being to massage your thighs.
Boy: You get really juicy thinking about my tounge brushing up against them
Boy: I softly begin to tounge your wet pussy.
Boy: I run my tounge up and down your smooth slit.
Girl: mmmm yeah
Boy: uh oh ...going limp.
Girl: Har
Boy: You gotta do better than that!
Boy: Your picture was really bad.
Girl: HARRRRRRRRRRRR
Boy: Ahhhh. Much better. I feel your pussy get more moist with every stroke.
Boy: I softly suck on your clit bringing it in and out of my mouth.
Boy: Your juices run down my chin as your scent makes its way to my nose.
Boy: I begin to feel empowered by your femininity.
Girl: mmmmmm you are good
Boy: I feel your thighs tighten as I suck harder
Boy: going limp
Girl: HARRRRRRR
Boy: Mmmm I grab your swelling buttocks in my hands.
Boy: You begin to sway back and forth.
Boy: going limp
Girl: this is stupid
Boy: ...still limp
Boy: Do it!
Girl: HARRRRRRRRRRRRR
Boy: I turn you around to lick your asshole.
Boy: I pry apart that battleship you call your ass.
Boy: I see shit nuggets hanging from the hair around your asshole.
Girl: WTF?!?!?
Boy: They stink really bad.
Girl: OMG STOP!!!
Boy: I start to get fed up with your ugly ass
Boy: I tear off your wooden peg leg.
Boy: I ram it up your ass.
Girl: YOURE A FUCKING PYSCHO!!
Boy: Then I pour hot carmel over your head.
Boy: And turn you into a fucking candy apple...
Boy: I kick you in the face!
Girl: FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!!
Boy: The celluloid from your cheeks hits the side of the cabin...
Boy: Your parrot flys away.
Boy: ...going limp again.
Boy: Hello?
Boy: Say it!
Boy: HAARRRRRR!!!!!

[TheViper]

Jokes

[AC Tracey]

LOL.

-AC Tracey

[Zoe_Zoebaboe]

Originally posted by foe


Boy: HAARRRRRR!!!!!

Oh God, you made my day.


If you like weird convos like that, go to This Site

Woman pretends to be a 15 year old girl and fucks with people. Its great.

[SpaceAce]

As a man was reading the newspaper, he came across an ad which claimed he could lose five, twenty or fifty pounds for only $10 per pound. The man was skeptical but he was desperate to slim down and decided to give it a shot, so he calls the number listed in the advertisement and tells them he wants to lose five pounds.

The next morning at 9 AM the man's doorbell rings and he answers it to find a smallish man in a business suit and a beautiful redhead in a tight shorts and a halter top. Immediately, he becomes aroused because this woman is <B>hot</B> with large, firm breasts and a tight tummy. The man in the suit says, "Sir, this is Renee and she is your weight loss counselor. The program is simple: if you catch her, you can fuck her." The man in the suit turns and walks away. As soon as he is out of sight, Renee rips off her clothes and takes off into the house. The overweight man slams the door and begins to chase Renee. Well, it takes him a good hour to catch her and when he does he throws her down on the couch and they have insane animalistic sex all morning. As they are laying there panting, the man suddenly remembers that he was supposed to have lost five pounds, so he leaps up and runs into the bathroom to use his scale. Sure enough, he has lost exactly five pounds. The man is ecstatic and as soon as Renee has left, he calls the company again and tells them he wants to lose twenty more pounds.

The next morning at precisely 9 AM, his doorbell rings and he opens it to find the same short man in the business suit, this time accompanied by the sexiest and most desirable woman he has ever seen. Her face was perfect, with enormous blue eyes, high cheekbones and a lovely button nose. Her hair was long and blonde, shimmering in the morning sunlight and her body put her face and hair to shame. Every inch of her was tight and hard, from her flat stomach to her amazing dancer's legs. She had a huge chest and the best ass the man had ever seen. After five seconds of looking at this woman, the man already had a raging hardon. The gentleman in the suit said, "Sir, this is Lisa and if you catch her you can fuck her." The man in the suit then turns and leaves.

Lisa rips off the skimpy lingerie she is wearing and the chase is on. The man chases her upstairs, downstairs and all around his house. The chase goes on for hours and it is early afternoon before the man finally catches Lisa. When he does get his hands on her, he takes her right there on the floor of his kitchen. They do it on all the furniture in every imaginable position and it is late afternoon before they finish. Immediately, the man staggers into his bathroom and gets on his scale. Exactly twenty pounds lost!

The man decides to go for the gold and lose the last 50 pounds he's been wanting to get rid of. He makes the phone call and is given his usual 9 AM appointment.

The next morning, the man in the suit arrives on the doorstep. This time, however, he is accompanied by an enormous, smelly gorilla. The fat man opens the door and demands, "What the hell is this?" The man in the suit replies, "Sir, this is Bobo and if he catches you he is going to fuck you."

SpaceAce