Let's hear some jokes

[RedShoe]

Anyone heards anything funny these days? It's 10:00 pm here on a wednesday night. I'm cutting the next CFF party and looking for a chuckle to keep me goin'.

Let's hear what you got.

The last funny joke I heard was:
Q. "How do you get a Nun pregnant?"






A. "Dress her up like an alter boy."

Ok, that was a while ago, so let's hear some new ones.

[[Labret]]

What's the difference between a ****** and a snow tire?
A snow tire doesn't sing when you put chains on it.

What would you call the Flintstones if they were black?
******s.

Why don't sharks eat ******s?
They think it's whale shit.

What do you call a ****** in a tree with a briefcase?
Branch manager.

How come there aren't any Mexicans on Star Trek?
They don't work in the future, either.

Why do ******s cry during sex?
The Mace.

How do you stop a ****** from drowning?
Take your foot off the back of his head.

How do you get a ****** out of a tree?
Cut the rope.

What did the Alabama sherriff call the ****** who had been shot 15 times?
Worst case of suicide he had ever seen.

What do you get when you cross a retard with a gang banger?
Someone who spray paints on a chain link fence.

Why do ******s stink?
So blind people can hate them too.

What do you get when you cross a ****** and a spic?
Someone too lazy to steal.

Why don't ******s take aspirin?
They refuse to pick the cotton out.

What do ****** kids get for Christmas?
Your bike.

What's a ******s idea of foreplay?
"Don't scream or I'll cut you, bitch."

Why do spics drive low-riders?
So they can cruise and pick lettuce at the same time.

What do you get when you cross a jew and a gypsy?
A chain of empty retail stores.

Why don't ****** kids play in the sandbox?
Cats keep covering them up.

What do you call an apartment full of ******s?
A COON-dominium.

Why are there no ****** astronauts?
Their lips explode at 50,000 feet.

How do you babysit a niglet?
Wet his lips and stick him to the wall.

How do you get him down?
Teach him to say "Motherfucker."

How else do you babysit a niglet?
Put Velcro on the ceiling and tell him to jump.

How do you get him down?
Invite the spics over, blindfold them and tell them it's a piñata party.

Why do jews have big noses?
Air is free.

What is a ****** on a bike?
Thief.

What's long and black and smells like shit?
The welfare line.

What do you call 50 ******s at the bottom of the ocean?
Good start.

What is the worst 3 years of a ******s life?
First grade.

How was break dancing invented?
******s trying to steal hubcaps from moving cars.

Why do ******s keep chickens in their back yards?
To teach their kids how to walk.

How do you know Adam and Eve were not black?
You ever try to take a rib from a ******?

What is a ******?
Proof that skunks fuck monkeys.

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead ****** in the road?
The dead dog has skid marks in front of it.

What did Abe Lincoln say after a 3 day drunk?
"I set WHO free?"

Why are chimps always frowning?
They know in a million years they are going to turn into ******s.

Why is interrogating a Mexican like a pool ball?
The harder you hit it the more English you get.

How many jews can you fit in a VolksWagon?
All of them if you put them in the ashtray.

A ****** and a spic jump off the Empire State Building, who hits the ground first?
Who cares.

A ****** and a spic jump off the Empire State Building, who hits the ground first?
The spic, because the ****** had to stop on the way down and spray paint "motherfucker" on the wall.

Why don't spics have barbeques?
The beans keep falling through the grill.

You hear about the new car made in Israel?
Not only can it stop on a dime, it will go back and pick it up.

What do you call an Ethiopian with a pickle on his head?
A quarter-pounder.

How many Ethiopians can you fit in a phone booth?
All of them.

How do you start a foot race in Ethiopia?
Roll a doughnut down the street.

How many ******s does it take to pave a driveway?
One if you spread him real thin.

How do you blindfold a chink?
Dental floss.

How do chinks name their kids?
They throw silverware down the stairs.

What's the difference between a ****** and a bag of shit?

The bag.


What's the most confusing day in Harlem?
Father's Day.

When does a Black man turn into a ******?
As soon as he leaves the room.

What do you call a ****** with a Harvard education?
******.

What do you call a ****** in a courtroom in a 3 piece suit?
The defendant.

There is a ****** and a spic in a car, who's driving?
The cop.

Why is Stevie Wonder always smiling?
He doesn't know he's black.

How long does it take a ****** bitch to take a shit?
9 months.

Why don't ****** women wear panties to picnics?
To keep the flies off the chicken.

Why does Alabama have ******s and California have earthquakes?
California got first pick.

Why do Mexican cars have those little steering wheels?
So they can drive handcuffed.

Why are ******s like sperm?
Only one in a million actually work.

What do you call Mike Tyson with no arms?
Niger ****** ******.

How do you fit 100 Cubans in a shoe box?
Tell them its a raft.

Why do police dogs lick their ass?
To get the taste of ****** out of their mouth.

What can a pizza do that a ****** can't?
Feed a family of four.

Why did the ****** carry a piece of shit in his wallet?
I.D.

What is red green yellow orange purple and pink?
A ****** dressed for church.

Why do ******s have flat noses?
That's where god put his feet when he was pulling off their tails.

Did you hear that the KKK bought the movie rights to Roots?
They're going to play it backwards so it has a happy ending.

What is the difference between a white owl and a black owl?
A white owl goes, "Who, who," a black owl goes, "Who dat? Who dat?"

Did you hear about the new Black Barbie?
It comes with 12 kids, AIDS and a welfare check.

What is black, white, and rolls off the end of the pier?
A ****** and a seagull fighting over a chicken wing.

What do you get when you cross a ****** with a gorilla?
A dumb gorilla.

What is the difference between Batman and a black man?
Batman can go out at night without Robin.

Did you hear about the new Chap Stick for ******s?
It comes in a spray can.

What's the difference between ******s and pit-bulls?
It's still legal to own a pit-bull.

What do you say to a black man in uniform?
"I'll have a Big Mac with cheese and a coke."

Why do ******s walk the way they do?
Because they spent the first nine months of their lives dodging a coat hanger.

What happened when the Ethiopian fell in the crocodile pit?
He ate six crocs before they could pull him out.

Why do ******s call white people "honkies"?
That's the last sound they hear before the white people run them over.

How do you stop a ****** from going out?
Pour more gas on him.

Did you hear about the ****** with insomnia?
He kept waking up twice a week.

What do you do if you run over a ******?
Reverse.

Why do decent white folks shop at ****** yard sales?
To get all their stuff back.

Who were the three most famous women in black history?
Aunt Jemima, Diana Ross, and Mother Fucker!

Hear about the new bumper sticker that says "Run, Jesse, Run"?
You put it on the front of your car.

What do Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles have in common?
They're both ******s.

How come Stevie Wonder & Ray Charles can't read?
They're both ******s.

Why do ******s wear wide-brimmed hats?
So pigeons can't shit on their lips.

Why did so many ****** soldiers get killed in Vietnam?
Every time someone yelled "Get down!" the ******s would jump up and start dancing.

What do you get when you cross a ****** with a Vietnamese?
Nothing. There are some things even a Vietnamese won't do.

What's black and tan and looks good on a ******?
A Doberman Pinscher.

What's the fastest animal in the world?
The Ethiopian chicken.

Did you hear about Evel Knieval's new motorcycle stunt?
He's going to ride through Ethiopia with a sandwich tied to his back.

Did you hear about Ku Klux Knieval?
He tried to jump 50 ******s with a steam roller.

Why was golf invented?
So white people get a chance to dress like ******s.

What do you do if you see a ****** with half a head?
Stop laughing and reload.

Why did god create orgasms?
So ******s know when to stop.

Why did god give ******s rhythm?
Because he fucked up their hair, nose and lips.

[[Labret]]

Why are so many ******s moving to Detroit?
They heard there were no jobs there.

Why can't ****** women become nuns?
Because they can't get used to saying 'superior' after 'Mother'.

How do you fit 15 ******s in the back of a Cadillac?
Don't worry, they'll figure it out.

What's yellow and black and makes you laugh ?
A bus full of ******s going over a cliff.

How do you stop a ****** from drowning?
You don't.

Whats the differance between Afghanistan and Christmas?
Christmas will be here this year.

Whats blue and hangs in my front yard?
My ****** I can paint him whatever color I want.

Why do seagulls have wings?
To beat the ******s to the dump.

What's a crying shame?
When a bus full of ******s drives off a cliff and there were 3 empty seats.

What do you call an Ethiopian with a feather up his ass?
A dart.

Why did the Jews wander in the desert for 40 years?
Because one of them lost a quarter.

What does N.A.A.C.P stand for?
******s Are Always Causing Problems

How many spics does it take to have a bath?
Five, one to lie in the tub and four to spit on him.

What do a ****** and an apple have in common?
They both look good hanging from a tree.

Why are ******s always buried 12 feet deep?
Deep down they're good people.

What's the difference between a porch monkey and a yard ape?
The length of the chain.

What's black, orange, and very pretty?
A ****** on fire.

What do you have if you've got a ****** up to his neck in cement?
Not enough cement.

How was copper wire invented?
Two jews fighting over a penny.

How do you starve a ******?
Hide his welfare check under his work boots.

How do you get 12 ******s in a Volkswagen?
Throw in a welfare check.

How do you get them out?
Throw in a job application.

Why are there trees in Harlem?
Public transportation.

How does a black woman fight crime?
She has an abortion.

What do you say when you see your T.V. floating around at night?
"Drop it ******."

[RedShoe]

Hey everyone this calls for a celebration. The REAL [Labret] is back!!

Welcome home, son. We missed you.

[Brown Bear]

A Cuban, a Frenchman, an American, and an American lawyer are riding on a train. The Cuban begins praising one his nation's most famous products.

"In Cuba", he says, "we make the world's finest cigars. Just smell this beautiful hand-rolled cigar. Furthermore, we make them in such abundance that we can waste them with impunity". Saying that, he tosses the cigar out the window of the speeding train.

The Frenchman responds, "Oui, that is quite true, and in my country we make the finest cheeses". He displays a hunk of fine cheese to the others and says, "France is famous for its fine cheeses, and we produce so much that we too can waste them without a thought." Saying that, he casts the cheese out the window of the train.

The American gets up and throws the lawyer out the window.

[RedShoe]

Gee, did Labret's jokes scare people off?

[UnseenWorld]

Originally posted by RedShoe
Gee, did Labret's jokes scare people off?

Well, what do you expect? I suspect that anyone with an IQ over 51 knows that if you ask for jokes on this board, you'll get a bunch of race jokes with Labret leading the pack. Remember that the next time you get the impulse to ask for jokes.

[pimplink]

Originally posted by UnseenWorld


Well, what do you expect. I suspect that anyone with an IQ over 51 knows that if you ask for jokes on this board, you'll get a bunch of race jokes with Labret leading the pack. Remember that the next time you get the impulse to ask for jokes.

Give the poor shmoe a break, he was just trying to find a way to spam his sig. Can't fault the guy for trying to do it in an entertaining /mildly intrusive way without resorting to fake contests, shock posts, or other creative spamilicious ways.

[redshift]

I dont anything against ******s!
I think everybody should own one

[RedShoe]

Originally posted by pimplink


Give the poor shmoe a break, he was just trying to find a way to spam his sig.

Not true. I was really just looking for a laugh. The past few hours here have been dead so I thought I'd ask if anyone heards any good jokes lately. It's been a long ass times since I read any of Labret's filth. When I posted that, I forget he was so quick to post them.

Originally posted by pimplink

Can't fault the guy for trying to do it in an entertaining /mildly intrusive way without resorting to fake contests, shock posts, or other creative spamilicious ways.

What do you mean by this? I've always been respectful to the real playas of this board. I've never done or said anything bad about you.

Am I reading into this the wrong way?

[[Labret]]

Originally posted by UnseenWorld


Well, what do you expect. I suspect that anyone with an IQ over 51 knows that if you ask for jokes on this board, you'll get a bunch of race jokes with Labret leading the pack. Remember that the next time you get the impulse to ask for jokes.

You can say the most hurtful things.

This old cranky coot is starting to grow on me.


But I know you laugh at them. You are old and white.

[pimplink]

Originally posted by RedShoe




Am I reading into this the wrong way?

I think you are. Keep in mind the post that I was replying to:

"Well, what do you expect. I suspect that anyone with an IQ over 51 knows that if you ask for jokes on this board, you'll get a bunch of race jokes with Labret leading the pack. Remember that the next time you get the impulse to ask for jokes."

[RedShoe]

No worries, old friend.

[[Labret]]

Phew... I was scared you guys were gonna break up.

[UnseenWorld]

Originally posted by [Labret]


You can say the most hurtful things.

This old cranky coot is starting to grow on me.


But I know you laugh at them. You are old and white.

If I could grow on you, what would I be? ...Cancer.

[[Labret]]

Originally posted by UnseenWorld



If I could grow on you, what would I be? ...Cancer.

Or perhaps we could have a daddy bear and young bear cub type relationship? I seen your pic... hot bear stuff.

[RedShoe]

Gross!

[Aza]

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to SANTA!

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?
He lay awake all night wondering if there really is a DOG!

What do you call a gay dinosaur?
MEGA-SORE-ASS

[Chris Stewart]

I think you got them all but this 1...

What are they only 3 french words blacks know?
Coupe De Ville

Had to help out...

[Spoonie Luv]

sally asks her boyfriend john, "how do you spell pedophile?"
john says "my! that's an awful big word for an eight year old!"

kudos to luh brey ... i needed that

[Joe Sixpack]

I started this thread a while ago if you are looking for something funny:

http://www.gofuckyourself.com/showth...threadid=85879

[h0st]

Why the English language is so hard to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet or bread, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea, nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth?

One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

And why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with quick?

Finally, the only way to stop this computer is to push the "Start" button.

[Hooterdog]

Gay Bob goes to his doctor to have some tests run.

Doctor comes back and says "Bob, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS."

Bob is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"

The doctor says "I want you to go home and eat 2
pounds of spicy sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20
unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno
peppers, 40 cashews, 5 salted nut rolls, a box of
Grapenuts cereal, 4 spoonfuls of raw bran and top it
offwith a 1/2 gallon of prune juice."

Bob asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

"No, but it should leave you with a better
understanding of what your ass is for."

[RedShoe]

Nice H0st.
Funny. I like intelligent humor.

[RedShoe]

anymore jokes on this day of war?

[Muff]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

[Muff]

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"