Your fave joke? - GoFuckYourself.com

digifan · 02-12-2003, 09:56 PM

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?"
She can't hear him and shouts back, "What? The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion. The wife is not sure and says, "What?" The man repeats his gestures. The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and fiinally to her crotch. Well, there is no
way in hell the man can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her "What in the hell was that?"She replies, "EYE- LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH!"

digifan · 02-12-2003, 10:17 PM

Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing. The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you." The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."

digifan · 02-12-2003, 10:24 PM

WHAT TIME DOES THE BAR OPEN?
At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon," answers the clerk. About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?"
He asks. "Same time as before... Noon," Replies the clerk. Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered. "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?" The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you."
"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"

SIX AGAIN
There was this 35 year old couple who had been married for ten years. They had a healthy and giving marriage.
One morning the wife said, "I wish I was six again." What the wife didn't know was that her husband had heard her while shaving in the bathroom. So at breakfast he told his wife, "Change in plans, let's take a break from spring cleaning today and go out." Surprised, his wife agreed. First he took her to the movies to see a sobby romance film she had been dying to see. Next, they went to a rollerblading park and skated for hours. Afterwards, the husband took his wife to a carnival in town for the week. They rode the Ferris wheel and bought some cotton candy and He even won her an unreasonably oversized stuffed animal. After the carnival, they went for ice-cream and a sub. That night in bed her husband said, "So, how did it feel to be six again?" His wife replied somewhat confused, "Oh honey, this morning I meant my dress size!"

digifan · 02-12-2003, 10:25 PM

HARD DRINKERS
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the
Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya
don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?". The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

TWO COMPLAINTS
A man was carrying two babies, one in each arm, while waiting for a train. Along came this woman, seeing the two cute babies, started asking the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?" The man gave the lady an angry look and replied, "I don't know." The lady asked again, "Which is the boy and which is the girl?" The man looking angrier than before replied, "I don't know." The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of
a father are you?" The man replied, "I am not their father, I am just a
condom salesman and these are two complaints that I am taking back to my company."

HOW TO SELL TOOTHBRUSHES
A man walked into the bar at a hotel that was hosting a convention of personal hygiene product salesmen. He sat down at a table with some of his brethren. Immediately one of the other salesmen accosted him, "Hey Bill! We
were just talking about you. Your territory sucks!
Nobody was ever able to make a living in it before you.
But now, you son-of-a-bitch, you win the all-expense-paid trip to Vegas three years in a row, selling almost twice as much as anyone else in the whole Southwest region! How in the hell do you do it?" Bill replied, "It's easy! I take a big engraved silver bowl and fill it up with fresh dog crap. Next I garnish it carefully with parsley sprigs, celery stalks, scallions, olives and thin-sliced red bell pepper rings. I take this to the airport and set it on a table on an elegantly embroidered white tablecloth. I serve samples on cocktail wafers to all that pass by. As soon as someone takes a bite they usually say, "Jesus Christ! This stuff tastes like CRAP!" I reply, "Yes sir! EXACTLY what it is! Would you care to buy a toothbrush?"

digifan · 02-12-2003, 10:26 PM

A NEW PET
Once upon a time a man was lonely and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted an unusual pet. He then bought a centipede, which came in a little white box. He took the box home and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked him: "Would you like to go to Frank's Place and have a beer?" No answer. This bothered him a bit So a few minutes
later he again asked him: "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" Again... no answer. He asked him one more time: "Hey, would you like to go & have a drink with me?" A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time. I'm just putting on my shoes."

3 TIMES 4
A little girl takes the elevator on her way to school. The girl hasn't finished her homework, as she is stuck with one of the questions. Next to her in the elevator there is a housewife, an accountant, and a lawyer. "Excuse me", she says, speaking to no one in particular. "Could anyone please tell me how much is 3 times 4?" "Why, twelve of course, little girl", answers the housewife, somewhat detachedly. She steps out at the next elevator stop muttering something about laundry and cooking. The girl seems no to be happy with the answer, so she looks at the accountant expectantly. He sighs, and tries to do some mental calculations. "I'm not sure", he finally offers, "might be 11.99 or 12.50. I need to run these numbers on my spreadsheet to make sure." Of course she is not happy with this answer either, so she turns to look at the lawyer. The lawyer smiles confidently at her, discreetly signaling her to wait. When the accountant finally steps out of the elevator, the lawyer kneels down to her and whispers, "how much
do you want it to be?"

02-12-2003, 09:56 PM	#1
digifan The Profiler Industry Role: Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: ICQ 76281726 and I'm female Posts: 14,618	Your fave joke? A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?" She can't hear him and shouts back, "What? The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion. The wife is not sure and says, "What?" The man repeats his gestures. The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and fiinally to her crotch. Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her "What in the hell was that?"She replies, "EYE- LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH!"

02-12-2003, 10:17 PM	#2
digifan The Profiler Industry Role: Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: ICQ 76281726 and I'm female Posts: 14,618	Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing. The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you." The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."

02-12-2003, 10:24 PM	#3
digifan The Profiler Industry Role: Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: ICQ 76281726 and I'm female Posts: 14,618	WHAT TIME DOES THE BAR OPEN? At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon," answers the clerk. About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" He asks. "Same time as before... Noon," Replies the clerk. Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered. "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?" The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you." "No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!" SIX AGAIN There was this 35 year old couple who had been married for ten years. They had a healthy and giving marriage. One morning the wife said, "I wish I was six again." What the wife didn't know was that her husband had heard her while shaving in the bathroom. So at breakfast he told his wife, "Change in plans, let's take a break from spring cleaning today and go out." Surprised, his wife agreed. First he took her to the movies to see a sobby romance film she had been dying to see. Next, they went to a rollerblading park and skated for hours. Afterwards, the husband took his wife to a carnival in town for the week. They rode the Ferris wheel and bought some cotton candy and He even won her an unreasonably oversized stuffed animal. After the carnival, they went for ice-cream and a sub. That night in bed her husband said, "So, how did it feel to be six again?" His wife replied somewhat confused, "Oh honey, this morning I meant my dress size!"

02-12-2003, 10:25 PM	#4
digifan The Profiler Industry Role: Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: ICQ 76281726 and I'm female Posts: 14,618	HARD DRINKERS A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?". The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first". TWO COMPLAINTS A man was carrying two babies, one in each arm, while waiting for a train. Along came this woman, seeing the two cute babies, started asking the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?" The man gave the lady an angry look and replied, "I don't know." The lady asked again, "Which is the boy and which is the girl?" The man looking angrier than before replied, "I don't know." The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father are you?" The man replied, "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are two complaints that I am taking back to my company." HOW TO SELL TOOTHBRUSHES A man walked into the bar at a hotel that was hosting a convention of personal hygiene product salesmen. He sat down at a table with some of his brethren. Immediately one of the other salesmen accosted him, "Hey Bill! We were just talking about you. Your territory sucks! Nobody was ever able to make a living in it before you. But now, you son-of-a-bitch, you win the all-expense-paid trip to Vegas three years in a row, selling almost twice as much as anyone else in the whole Southwest region! How in the hell do you do it?" Bill replied, "It's easy! I take a big engraved silver bowl and fill it up with fresh dog crap. Next I garnish it carefully with parsley sprigs, celery stalks, scallions, olives and thin-sliced red bell pepper rings. I take this to the airport and set it on a table on an elegantly embroidered white tablecloth. I serve samples on cocktail wafers to all that pass by. As soon as someone takes a bite they usually say, "Jesus Christ! This stuff tastes like CRAP!" I reply, "Yes sir! EXACTLY what it is! Would you care to buy a toothbrush?"

02-12-2003, 10:26 PM	#5
digifan The Profiler Industry Role: Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: ICQ 76281726 and I'm female Posts: 14,618	A NEW PET Once upon a time a man was lonely and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted an unusual pet. He then bought a centipede, which came in a little white box. He took the box home and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked him: "Would you like to go to Frank's Place and have a beer?" No answer. This bothered him a bit So a few minutes later he again asked him: "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" Again... no answer. He asked him one more time: "Hey, would you like to go & have a drink with me?" A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time. I'm just putting on my shoes." 3 TIMES 4 A little girl takes the elevator on her way to school. The girl hasn't finished her homework, as she is stuck with one of the questions. Next to her in the elevator there is a housewife, an accountant, and a lawyer. "Excuse me", she says, speaking to no one in particular. "Could anyone please tell me how much is 3 times 4?" "Why, twelve of course, little girl", answers the housewife, somewhat detachedly. She steps out at the next elevator stop muttering something about laundry and cooking. The girl seems no to be happy with the answer, so she looks at the accountant expectantly. He sighs, and tries to do some mental calculations. "I'm not sure", he finally offers, "might be 11.99 or 12.50. I need to run these numbers on my spreadsheet to make sure." Of course she is not happy with this answer either, so she turns to look at the lawyer. The lawyer smiles confidently at her, discreetly signaling her to wait. When the accountant finally steps out of the elevator, the lawyer kneels down to her and whispers, "how much do you want it to be?"