DEEP THOUGHTS:
1. If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man,
they're gone.
2. If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We
might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
3. To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk
around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can
say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
4. One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my
nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse.
"Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think
that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to
the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
5. The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
6. If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most
common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?"
"No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots."
7. Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying
across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his
beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also,
you're drunk.
8. I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's
children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
9. If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is
crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is,
"Probably because of something you did."
10. If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I
bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
11. Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is
to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me. Then it
wouldn't seem quite so funny.
12. To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and
the dancers hit each other.
13. I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just
go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
14. If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by
shoving them down his throat).
15. Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them
"impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be
brothers?
16. Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking
surface attached to the end of a long stick.
17. I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just
quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about
doing that anyway.
18. I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since
he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to
him.
19. Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself.
MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank" and "ind."
What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is mankind.
20. If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward
into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
21. It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess
that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth,
wanting that money.
22. If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it
makes beer shoot out your nose.
23. To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where
this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown
killed my dad.
24. As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat
there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and
yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
25. I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can
picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
26. I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my
brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just
eggs hatching.
27. Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room
talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.
28. What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the
wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk? And after
you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and
ask people for money, and then lay down and go to sleep.
29. Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if
he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.
30. During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting
on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."
31. If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
32. When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police.
But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this
person was, and why he had deer horns.
33. I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day
long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was
almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over
it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.
34. Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody:
First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that
people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon
people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.
35. Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if
you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to.
Then on the way out, slam the door.
36. If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would
really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
37. If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to
feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some
tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture.
38. Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
39. If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in
there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and
take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.
40. One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a
wooden stake.
41. If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good
costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.
42. Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But
some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little
window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that."
43. Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking
through your stuff.
44. For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of
lemon to each jar, for freshness?
45. I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of
a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a
worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary.
46. If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty,
just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act
surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we won!"
47. Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself. For
instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head." Normally you
would think that "fly Head" would mean a person who has beautiful
swept-back features, as if flying through the air. But think again. Couldn't it
also mean "having a head like a fly"? I'm afraid some people might actually
think that.
48. Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each
year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.
49. I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of
money."
50. I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I'd
have all my money back.
51. I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat." It's a fake baby duck,
which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until
you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the
sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks
really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.
52. If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common
mistake. You have to let nudity "happen."
53 The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering
hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones
everywhere. "Uh-oh," he thought. "This watering hole is reserved for
skeletons."
54. If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing,
Then Jumping Off Something.
55. When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window,
or it'll turn into a fossil.
56. It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
57. At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist,"
because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my
back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the
patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw f**k
you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.
58. A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the
burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."
59. Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine,
because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.
60. I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That
way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.
61. If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering
iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a
soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's
right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and
ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them
up for a free drink.
62. I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying,
"Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they
remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
63. Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon
and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon
pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and
say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."
64. Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak
everybody out.
65. The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy
had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other
children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and
offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I
chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these people.
66. I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.
67. I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless
domination of our solar system.
68. Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of
tuberculosis.
69. I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a
complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."
70. I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody
walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke
up and go, "What was THAT?!"
71. Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother
the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be
like ambition.
72. If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and
asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."
73. If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and
begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.
74. I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
75. When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
76. What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a baby? Maybe
we'll never know.
77. We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces,
and this is what annoys me.
78. I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone
run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
79. As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it
wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
80. Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to
the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
81. Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming
home his face might burn up.
82. You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but
inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
83. Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the
persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know
what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note
that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
84. If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think
you should buck him off right away.
85. If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying
to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.
86. If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and
people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
87. I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in
those genitals.
88. Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams
and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.
89. He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt
and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher
said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the
others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."
90. The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into
the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think
there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever
sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and
then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.
91. Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger
or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything
they see.
92. As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it should read "Watch
for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she
started saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!
93. If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the
most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.
94. Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
95. We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that
evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.
96. I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a
shot at him and not feel too bad.
97. As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I
caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.
98. If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to
kill you.
99. If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I
think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
100. When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave,
and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle
Caveman was a bear.
103. Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way
he develops a good, lucky feeling.
102. The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.
103. When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie
heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.
104. Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.
105. Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about
getting more use out of the ones we already have.
106. Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're
probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate
for life?
107. If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages
laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.
108. Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.
109. I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when
are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man,
quit being so cheap!
110. I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.
111. I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people
could really use used ice picks.
112. Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk freely,
make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered that
they were not Indians at all but only dirty-clothes hampers.
113. I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to
have one of those little beds with my name on it.
114. It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that
every time you hear a mouse trap snap, and Angel gets set on fire.
115. If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small
pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can
throw a real grenade at them.
116. I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
1. If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man,
they're gone.
2. If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We
might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
3. To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk
around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can
say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
4. One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my
nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse.
"Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think
that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to
the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
5. The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
6. If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most
common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?"
"No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots."
7. Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying
across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his
beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also,
you're drunk.
8. I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's
children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
9. If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is
crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is,
"Probably because of something you did."
10. If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I
bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
11. Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is
to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me. Then it
wouldn't seem quite so funny.
12. To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and
the dancers hit each other.
13. I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just
go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
14. If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by
shoving them down his throat).
15. Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them
"impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be
brothers?
16. Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking
surface attached to the end of a long stick.
17. I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just
quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about
doing that anyway.
18. I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since
he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to
him.
19. Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself.
MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank" and "ind."
What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is mankind.
20. If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward
into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
21. It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess
that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth,
wanting that money.
22. If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it
makes beer shoot out your nose.
23. To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where
this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown
killed my dad.
24. As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat
there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and
yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
25. I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can
picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
26. I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my
brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just
eggs hatching.
27. Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room
talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.
28. What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the
wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk? And after
you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and
ask people for money, and then lay down and go to sleep.
29. Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if
he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.
30. During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting
on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."
31. If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
32. When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police.
But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this
person was, and why he had deer horns.
33. I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day
long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was
almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over
it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.
34. Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody:
First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that
people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon
people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.
35. Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if
you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to.
Then on the way out, slam the door.
36. If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would
really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
37. If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to
feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some
tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture.
38. Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
39. If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in
there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and
take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.
40. One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a
wooden stake.
41. If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good
costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.
42. Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But
some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little
window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that."
43. Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking
through your stuff.
44. For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of
lemon to each jar, for freshness?
45. I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of
a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a
worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary.
46. If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty,
just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act
surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we won!"
47. Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself. For
instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head." Normally you
would think that "fly Head" would mean a person who has beautiful
swept-back features, as if flying through the air. But think again. Couldn't it
also mean "having a head like a fly"? I'm afraid some people might actually
think that.
48. Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each
year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.
49. I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of
money."
50. I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I'd
have all my money back.
51. I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat." It's a fake baby duck,
which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until
you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the
sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks
really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.
52. If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common
mistake. You have to let nudity "happen."
53 The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering
hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones
everywhere. "Uh-oh," he thought. "This watering hole is reserved for
skeletons."
54. If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing,
Then Jumping Off Something.
55. When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window,
or it'll turn into a fossil.
56. It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
57. At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist,"
because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my
back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the
patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw f**k
you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.
58. A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the
burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."
59. Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine,
because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.
60. I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That
way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.
61. If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering
iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a
soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's
right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and
ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them
up for a free drink.
62. I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying,
"Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they
remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
63. Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon
and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon
pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and
say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."
64. Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak
everybody out.
65. The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy
had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other
children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and
offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I
chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these people.
66. I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.
67. I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless
domination of our solar system.
68. Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of
tuberculosis.
69. I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a
complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."
70. I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody
walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke
up and go, "What was THAT?!"
71. Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother
the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be
like ambition.
72. If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and
asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."
73. If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and
begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.
74. I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
75. When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
76. What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a baby? Maybe
we'll never know.
77. We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces,
and this is what annoys me.
78. I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone
run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
79. As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it
wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
80. Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to
the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
81. Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming
home his face might burn up.
82. You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but
inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
83. Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the
persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know
what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note
that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
84. If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think
you should buck him off right away.
85. If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying
to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.
86. If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and
people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
87. I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in
those genitals.
88. Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams
and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.
89. He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt
and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher
said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the
others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."
90. The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into
the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think
there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever
sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and
then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.
91. Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger
or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything
they see.
92. As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it should read "Watch
for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she
started saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!
93. If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the
most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.
94. Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
95. We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that
evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.
96. I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a
shot at him and not feel too bad.
97. As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I
caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.
98. If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to
kill you.
99. If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I
think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
100. When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave,
and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle
Caveman was a bear.
103. Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way
he develops a good, lucky feeling.
102. The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.
103. When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie
heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.
104. Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.
105. Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about
getting more use out of the ones we already have.
106. Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're
probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate
for life?
107. If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages
laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.
108. Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.
109. I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when
are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man,
quit being so cheap!
110. I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.
111. I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people
could really use used ice picks.
112. Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk freely,
make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered that
they were not Indians at all but only dirty-clothes hampers.
113. I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to
have one of those little beds with my name on it.
114. It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that
every time you hear a mouse trap snap, and Angel gets set on fire.
115. If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small
pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can
throw a real grenade at them.
116. I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
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