( I have read this before but I still find it funny as shit!...Enjoy!)
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their Anniversary
Submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
Interest.
The occasion was our 15th Anniversary and I was looking for a little
Something extra for my wife Julie.
What I came across was a 100,000 volt pocket/purse-sized taser.
The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived with no long-term
Adverse affect on the assailant allowing her adequate time to retreat to
Safety
WAY TOO COOL!!!!!!!!!
Long story short
I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded 2 AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
NOTHING!!
I was disappointed. I learned however, that if I pushed the button AND
Pressed it against a metal surface at the same time;
I'd get the blue of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
The face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this toy, thinking to myself that it
Couldn't be all that bad with only 2 AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my reclined, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
Little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
Needed a flesh and blood target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second )
An thought better of it.
She is such a sweet cat.
But If I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
Against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
Advertised.
AM I WRONG?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
Perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand and
Taser in the other.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
Assailant
A two second burst was suppose to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of
Bodily control;
A three second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
Ground like a fish out of water;
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long,
Less that �' in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with 2
Itsy bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, no possible way!
What happened next is beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting
There alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to
Say, don't do it dipshit; reasoning that a one second burst from such a
Tiny little ole thing couldn't possibly hurt all that bad.
I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I
Touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!..WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!WHAT THE HELL!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked
Me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
Over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in
My eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles no where to be
Found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position and
Tingling in my legs.
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, cling to the
Picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to
Avoid getting slammed by my flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a taser, one note
Of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap
Yourself!!!!!! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
From your hand, by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second
Burst would be considered conservative
SON-OF-A-B****!!! THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!!!!!!!.
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
That point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
Surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace;
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet from where it originally was;
My Triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching;
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain and my bottom lip
Weighed 88 lbs;
I had no control over my drooling;
Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and sense of
smell was gone;
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe was coming from my
hair;
I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward
for their safe return!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
P.S. My wife loved her gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their Anniversary
Submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
Interest.
The occasion was our 15th Anniversary and I was looking for a little
Something extra for my wife Julie.
What I came across was a 100,000 volt pocket/purse-sized taser.
The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived with no long-term
Adverse affect on the assailant allowing her adequate time to retreat to
Safety
WAY TOO COOL!!!!!!!!!
Long story short
I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded 2 AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
NOTHING!!
I was disappointed. I learned however, that if I pushed the button AND
Pressed it against a metal surface at the same time;
I'd get the blue of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
The face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this toy, thinking to myself that it
Couldn't be all that bad with only 2 AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my reclined, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
Little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
Needed a flesh and blood target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second )
An thought better of it.
She is such a sweet cat.
But If I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
Against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
Advertised.
AM I WRONG?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
Perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand and
Taser in the other.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
Assailant
A two second burst was suppose to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of
Bodily control;
A three second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
Ground like a fish out of water;
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long,
Less that �' in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with 2
Itsy bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, no possible way!
What happened next is beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting
There alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to
Say, don't do it dipshit; reasoning that a one second burst from such a
Tiny little ole thing couldn't possibly hurt all that bad.
I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I
Touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!..WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!WHAT THE HELL!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked
Me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
Over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in
My eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles no where to be
Found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position and
Tingling in my legs.
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, cling to the
Picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to
Avoid getting slammed by my flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a taser, one note
Of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap
Yourself!!!!!! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
From your hand, by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second
Burst would be considered conservative
SON-OF-A-B****!!! THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!!!!!!!.
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
That point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
Surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace;
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet from where it originally was;
My Triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching;
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain and my bottom lip
Weighed 88 lbs;
I had no control over my drooling;
Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and sense of
smell was gone;
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe was coming from my
hair;
I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward
for their safe return!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
P.S. My wife loved her gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.
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