Fun Jokes

[Tala]

Just for shits n giggles:

I collect jokes. What are some of the best ones that you've heard, passed along, or would like to share with a live studio audience? (preferably not while being stunt cock...not the best time to share knock knock jokes, I wouldn't think..although I've heard that puns go over swimmingly..no pun intended there.)


Example: How do you confuse a drummer?
Put sheet music in front of him.

How do you make a webdesigner whine?
Give him a job to do.

Etc, etc...ad nauseam.

[cool1]

So a guy walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants.

When he walks up to the bar and orders a drink, the bar tender says: "Gee that must be a bit annoying mate."

The guy replies: "Yeah, its driving me nutts!"

[Tala]

Umm...NOTE: Posting pics/names of certain folks does not count. Thank you.

[marty]

Originally posted by coolone
So a guy walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants.

When he walks up to the bar and orders a drink, the bar tender says: "Gee that must be a bit annoying mate."

The guy replies: "Yeah, its driving me nutts!"

[Tala]

Originally posted by coolone
So a guy walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants.

When he walks up to the bar and orders a drink, the bar tender says: "Gee that must be a bit annoying mate."

The guy replies: "Yeah, its driving me nutts!"

*wince*

[Va2k]

one cold day a woman and her teenage daughter are sitting on the porch. "my hands are freezing," the girl says.
"put them between your legs."her mother replies. "Your body will warm them right up."

The next day the daughter is sitting in a park with her boyfriend when he mentions that his hands are cold.
"put them between my legs." she offers."My body will warm them up." "ya nkow,"he says thinking quickly, "my penis is frozen solid, too." The next day the girl and her mother are back on the porch, and the girl ask. "Have you ever heard of a penis?"

"Why, huh yes, "Her mother replies, slightly concerned."Why do you ask?"
"They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?

[mrthumbs]

this will be an award winning thread... i can fucking feel it.

[Tala]

Originally posted by va2k
one cold day a woman and her teenage daughter are sitting on the porch. "my hands are freezing," the girl says.
"put them between your legs."her mother replies. "Your body will warm them right up."

The next day the daughter is sitting in a park with her boyfriend when he mentions that his hands are cold.
"put them between my legs." she offers."My body will warm them up." "ya nkow,"he says thinking quickly, "my penis is frozen solid, too." The next day the girl and her mother are back on the porch, and the girl ask. "Have you ever heard of a penis?"

"Why, huh yes, "Her mother replies, slightly concerned."Why do you ask?"
"They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?

LMFAO

[Tala]

An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving. She gets pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer says, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING." The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE." The woman gives him her license. The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had." The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" "HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells.

[Tala]

The Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on liquor bottles to warn drinkers of the hazards of over-imbibimg.

1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.

9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you're invisible.

10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

[Tala]

Only in America... do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures."

[Va2k]

Bubba dies in a fire, and his body is brought to the morgue. The coroner calls in Bubb's two brothers to identify the charred body.
"yep he is burned pretty bad."says one of the brothers." Roll him over."
The coroner rolls him over.
That ain't Bubba, says the brother.
"Nope, it sure ain't."says the other brother."Bubba had two assholes."
"What?" says the coroner." I've never heard of such a thing." "Yup,"says the frist brother."Every time we'd go to town, people'd say .' Hey look -- here comes Bubba with them two assholes."

[Tala]

Little Johnny comes home from school a bit perturbed. He and his classmates had been talking about what the perfect penis looks like, and so he goes to his father, who knows everything.

"Hey Dad, Ihave a questions for you."

"Sure, son, what's up?"

"What's the perfect penis?"

His dad stands and drops his pants, revealing his pecker. "This is the perfect penis, son." Chuckling, he does up his trousers again and goes back to reading his newspaper.

Still rather mystified, Johnny goes back outdoors, where several of his classmates await him. "Did you find out what it is, Johnny?"

Nodding, Johnny climbs up on the nearby tree stump and drops his trousers, revealing his pecker. "If this was three inches shorter, it'd be the perfect penis."

[EscortBiz]

Current Event Joke

This chineese guy wins the NY State Lotto so he went to claim the 3.2 Million dollar award, when he arrives to the lotto claims office he is told to wait in line, after waiting for 3 hours he is told he will need to bring ID and start filling out tons of papers work. The chink gets mad and says "Fuck This! Just give me back my fuckin dollah!"

[SykkBoy]

Three morons are out hunting and as they forma triangle formation, a deer runs between them. Two of the morons shoot and accidently hit their friend.
They bring their friend into the hospital and await eagerly in the waiting room to hear of their friend's fate.
The doctor comes out with tears in his eyes.
The two ask about their friend and the doctor replies "He might have made it if you hadn't gutted him..."