A Zen master visiting New York City goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."
The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen master, who pays with a $20 bill.
The vendor puts the bill in the cashbox and closes it. "Excuse me, but where's my change?" asks the Zen master.
The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."
---
What does an agnostic, insomniac, dyslexic do?
He lies awake late at night wondering whether there really is a dog.
---
16 Reasons Why God Never Received Tenure at the University
Author Unknown
He had only one major publication
And it was in Hebrew
And it had no references
And it was not published in a refereed journal
And some even doubted that He wrote it Himself.
It may be true that He created the world, but what has He done since then?
His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to replicate His results.
He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
When subjects did not behave as predicted, He often punished them, or just deleted them from the sample.
He rarely came to class: He just told students to read the book.
He has his son teach the class.
He expelled His first two students for learning too much.
Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed His tests.
His office hours were infrequent, and usually held on a mountain top.
---
Not for Blondes
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you want to hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - given that you are blind - that you should know five things:
1. - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2. - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. - I'm a 6ft tall, 200lb blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5. - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,"Nah, not if I'm going to have to explain it five times."
---
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
---
A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Governmentium." Governmentium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass." When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes dministratium - an element which radiates just as much energy as the Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
---
Thinnest books of all times:
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton
MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman
MY WILD YEARS
by Al Gore
AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
DETROIT: a Travel Guide
A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J. Kevorkian
ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Ellen de Generes
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson
SPOTTED OWL RECIPES
by the EPA
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O. J. Simpson
okay, enough. Phew! Now it's your turn.
The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen master, who pays with a $20 bill.
The vendor puts the bill in the cashbox and closes it. "Excuse me, but where's my change?" asks the Zen master.
The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."
---
What does an agnostic, insomniac, dyslexic do?
He lies awake late at night wondering whether there really is a dog.
---
16 Reasons Why God Never Received Tenure at the University
Author Unknown
He had only one major publication
And it was in Hebrew
And it had no references
And it was not published in a refereed journal
And some even doubted that He wrote it Himself.
It may be true that He created the world, but what has He done since then?
His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to replicate His results.
He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
When subjects did not behave as predicted, He often punished them, or just deleted them from the sample.
He rarely came to class: He just told students to read the book.
He has his son teach the class.
He expelled His first two students for learning too much.
Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed His tests.
His office hours were infrequent, and usually held on a mountain top.
---
Not for Blondes
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you want to hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - given that you are blind - that you should know five things:
1. - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2. - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. - I'm a 6ft tall, 200lb blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5. - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,"Nah, not if I'm going to have to explain it five times."
---
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
---
A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Governmentium." Governmentium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass." When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes dministratium - an element which radiates just as much energy as the Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
---
Thinnest books of all times:
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton
MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman
MY WILD YEARS
by Al Gore
AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
DETROIT: a Travel Guide
A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J. Kevorkian
ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Ellen de Generes
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson
SPOTTED OWL RECIPES
by the EPA
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O. J. Simpson
okay, enough. Phew! Now it's your turn.
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