Joke thread

[brassmonkey]

Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and
says, ?I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We are the same age;
we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.?

Well, says the big alligator,?what have you been eating?
?Lawyers, same as you,? replies the small alligator.

?Hmmmm. Well, where do you catch them??
?Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp.?

?Same here. Hmmm. How do you catch them??
Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out,
bite them, shake the crap out of them, and eat them!

?Ah!? says the big alligator, ?I think I see your problem. By the time you get done
shaking' the crap out of a lawyer, there's nothin' left but an asshole and a briefcase.?

[ottopottomouse]

Bit racist.

[Nomarh]

Black or White alligators?

[TisMe]

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."





The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

[brassmonkey]

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."





The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

funny but true are is a 50/50 chance thank u!

[MichaelP]

This thread needs Kourosh in here

[brassmonkey]

This thread needs Kourosh in here

time to eat

[Dvae]

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.

"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"

[Grapesoda]

a bum is selling strawberries door to door to housewives.... one attractive woman opens her door to the bum and seductively bares her breast... the bum starts crying...

the housewife "what's wrong you poor man?"

bum "I've lost my home, my family, my job and now I'm going to get fucked out of my strawberries!"

[2MuchMark]

What's the difference between a woman and a pay phone?
You need a quarter to use a pay phone.

Why can't Hellen Keller drive?
Because she's a woman.

[Spieglergirls]

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as an altar boy!

[nico-t]

racist....

[John-ACWM]

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as an altar boy!

[balint]

I really like this thread

[oppoten]

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as an altar boy!

[Zeiss]

Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and
says, ?I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We are the same age;
we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.?

Well, says the big alligator,?what have you been eating?
?Lawyers, same as you,? replies the small alligator.

?Hmmmm. Well, where do you catch them??
?Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp.?

?Same here. Hmmm. How do you catch them??
Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out,
bite them, shake the crap out of them, and eat them!

?Ah!? says the big alligator, ?I think I see your problem. By the time you get done
shaking' the crap out of a lawyer, there's nothin' left but an asshole and a briefcase.?

[seeandsee]

fucking lawyers made my ali small

[brassmonkey]

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. It was Spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If only you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire area. However, they didn't find any bodies, so they apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Vinnie

[romeo22]

this thread is titsless

[stoka]

A SEO expert walks into a bar, bars, pub, public house, Irish pub, drinks, beer…

[oppoten]

A SEO expert walks into a bar, bars, pub, public house, Irish pub, drinks, beer?

...sex, free sex, free xxx, free porn

[LeRoy]

What does a blonde girl say after sex?

Thanks guys!

[brassmonkey]

What does a blonde girl say after sex?

Thanks guys!

not my joke!

I saw a billboard sign that said: NEED HELP, CALL JESUS 1-800-005-3159
Out of curiosity, I did.
A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.

[SilentKnight]

A pregnant woman got shot 3 times and recovered, but the bullets were never found. Later she had triplets, two girls and one boy.

Many years later, the first girl came up to her mom and told about how she peed out a bullet.

The next day the second came up and the mother said, "Lemme guess, you peed out a bullet too." She was right.

The next day her young boy came up to his mom and says, "Mom, I'm so ashamed of what just happened" The mother replied, "Aw, honey, it's alright, your sisters peed out a bullet too, it's nothing to be ashamed of."

"No, that's not it" he said. "I was jerkin' off, and I think I shot the dog"

[SilentKnight]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, ?Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?? The father, surprised, answers, ?Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman?s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.? ?Onions?? the son asks. ?Yes. You see them and they make you cry.? This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, ?Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?? The mother smiles and says, ?Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it?s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it?s like a Christmas tree.? ?A Christmas tree?? the daughter asks. ?Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.?

[SilentKnight]

Next time you're having sex with your girlfriend/wife/ho...stop right in the middle of it.

When she asks what you're doing say, "Shhh...I saw this in a porno once. It's called buffering."

[Paully]

So...a baby seal walks into a club.

[Bourke]

Three men walk into a bar, you'd think one of them would have seen it.

[2MuchMark]

So...a baby seal walks into a club.

[Paully]

2 guys are pissing off a bridge. One guy says "Man that waters cold". The other guy says "Yeah, and it's deep too"

[Paully]

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punchline.

[Paully]

If I had a nickel for every time a homeless person asked me for change I still wouldn't give it to them.

[2MuchMark]

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punchline.

BAAAAAAAAAA fuck you

[Zuzana Designs]

What's the difference between oral and anal? Oral makes your day, anal makes your hole weak.

[JA$ON]

Think I used this in another joke thread, but whatever.....


A Blonde, Brunette and red head are having lunch, chatting about their kids.....

The Redhead says "I can't believe it, I was looking through my daughters purse and I found a little bottle of alcohol, I didn't know my daughter drank".

The Brunette says, "OMG, you too? I was just looking through MY daughters purse and found a pack of cigarettes, I didn't know my daughter smoked!"

The Blonde then jumps in...."I can't believe it, I was going through MY daughters purse and found a pack of condoms, I didn't know my daughter had a penis!"

[JA$ON]

A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says, "why the long face?"

[LeRoy]

not my joke!

I saw a billboard sign that said: NEED HELP, CALL JESUS 1-800-005-3159
Out of curiosity, I did.
A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.

Ha ha

[Paully]

BAAAAAAAAAA fuck you

Hahahahaha. Some goods one's in here.

Here's another one for you.

What do you call a kid with one eye, one arm and no legs.





Names.

Going straight to hell for that one, I already know.

[brassmonkey]

Ha ha

you know im playin dogg thanx for trimming my trees.






















































j/k! leroy!

[Paully]

My ex-girlfriend had this really strange fetish. She would dress up like herself and act like a bitch all the time.

[brassmonkey]

My ex-girlfriend had this really strange fetish. She would dress up like herself and act like a bitch all the time.

Q: What do you call a pothead with two spliffs?
A: Double jointed.

Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?

A. A mechanic!

[Paully]

My ex-girlfriend used to bang a clown. So lets just say I have some pretty big shoes to fill.

[ohjulien]

Soo. . . the Farmer says to the cab driver, "She was not My Daughter"

[Paully]

Whats the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?


You can hang the picture with just one nail.


Hell. Achievement unlocked.