Sick Joke Thread

[2MuchMark]

I'll start.

The doctor says: "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."

Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"

The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

[GFED]

How many calories does eating pussy have?

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It depends which way she wipes!

[2MuchMark]

Abortion: It really brings out the child in you.

[papill0n]

not bad

[2MuchMark]

What do you say to a blonde in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs?
"Nice tits!"

[ottopottomouse]

What's ten inches long with a big red head and makes my girlfriend cry every time that I force it into her mouth?





Her miscarriage.

[AsianDivaGirlsWebDude]

A man is sitting in a bar looking depressed when a woman approaches and asks him what?s wrong. He tells her sadly that his girlfriend just left him and, after some pressuring, admits that it was because he was just too kinky for her.

?What a coincidence!? exclamimed the woman. ?My boyfriend just left me for the same reason.?

The two hit it off and, after a few drinks, decided to go back to her place as it was nearest.

The woman left the man alone in the living room and disappeared into the bedroom. After ten minutes she reappeared dressed in full leather and chains, with whip and ballgag in hand only to see the man about to leave.

?Where are you going?? she asked. ?I thought you were kinky.?

?I am,? he replied. ?I fucked your cat and took a shit in your purse. I?m going home now.?

ADG

[WTFBucks]

In a plane
Air hostess notices one of the passengers throw up in the bag. Everybody else is laughing at the poor guy. She runs out for an extra bag and when she's back - everybody's throwing up. But for the guy, now he's laughing.
*What happened?* asks the air hostess









*I took a sip* the guy laughs

[DamianJ]

Man: "I can't come into work today, I'm sick."
Boss: "How sick are you?"
Man: "Well, I'm in bed with my sister..."

[RazorSharpe]

My wife said to me, "You're such a fucking embarrassment! Showing me up in front of my boss like that. I knew you wouldn't take this wine tasting evening seriously!"

"I don't know what you mean," I said in my defence, "I really could detect a hint of pretentious cunt in that Cabernet Sauvignon."

[L-Pink]

What's the difference between a cadillac and a dead baby?



I don't have a Cadillac in my garage.

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[travs]

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can
get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy
leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How
long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half."

The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says,
"Hey,Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he
has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing
hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!

[L-Pink]

What's the difference between a dead hooker and the backseat of a car?



I didn't lose my virginity in the backseat of a car.

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[AsianDivaGirlsWebDude]

ADG

[Slick]

Why do dogs lick their cocks ???



Because they can't make a fist !! ;)

[fris]

What makes the loudest roar in Africa?

An Africans stomach

[L-Pink]

Two necrophiliacs are at work in the morgue. One of them turns to the other and says,
"You should have seen this woman they brought in last week. They pulled her out of the water after she'd been there for three weeks. Man, I'm tellin' you, her clit was just like a pickle."

"What," the other asks, "green?".

"No," says the first, " a bit sour."

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[sperbonzo]

2 bums meet up in a park.

first bum “i had a good day, i found a pack of smokes and smoked them all to myself”.

second bum “thats nothing. i was walking along the RR tracks and ran into this girl. we screwed all day long”.

first bum “all day long?”

second bum “well maybe 1/2 a day.

first bum “did she give you a BJ?

second bum “no”

first bum “you are telling me that you screwed this girl for 1/2 day and she didnt give you a BJ?”

second bum “no….

i couldnt find her head.



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[L-Pink]

Whats better then winning the Paralympics?

Having legs ...

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[J. Falcon]

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can
get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy
leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How
long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half."

The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says,
"Hey,Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he
has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing
hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!

That was pretty good.

[L-Pink]

I met a girl last week who said she wanted to be treated like a princess, so I put her in the back of a mercedes and drove it into a tunnel wall.

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[alias]

I met a girl last week who said she wanted to be treated like a princess, so I put her in the back of a mercedes and drove it into a tunnel wall.

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Cool thread.

[fris]

nice sickies

[TurboAngel]

What did one tampon say to the other tampon?





Nothing they were both stuck up bitches.

[AllAboutCams]

How do you swat 200 flies at one time
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Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.

[AllAboutCams]

Q: What is a redneck virgin?
A: A seven year old that can run faster than her brothers.

Q: What do you call an Ethiopian with a yeast infection?
A: Quarter pounder with cheese.

Q: What's black and blue and hates sex?
A: A rape victim.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?
A: They both drip when they're fucked.

Q: How are fat bitches and Mo-peds the same?
A: They are both fun to ride, but you don't tell your friends about them.

Q: Why did hitler kill himself?
A: He got his gas bill.

[Slick]

What should you do if you find a woman lying in a ditch at the side of the road?
Ask her why she left the kitchen.


What’s green and yellow and eats nuts?
Gonorrhea.

[AllAboutCams]

Michael Jackson's girlfriend is said to be distraught, she's been quoted saying "first my parents leave me in Portugal and now this"



What are the three reasons that make anal sex better than vaginal sex?
It's warmer, it's tighter, and it's more degrading to the woman.

[Coup]

q: How do you get a homosexual man to have sex with a woman?



a: You stuff her vagina full of shit.

[Bladewire]

q: How do you get a homosexual man to have sex with a woman?

a: You stuff her vagina full of shit.

Sounds legit

[John-ACWM]

LOL some good jokes in here!

[AsianDivaGirlsWebDude]

Hard Times:

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker.

She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner.

She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?"

"A hundred dollars."

"Damn. All I've got is thirty."

"Hold on," she says and runs back to Harry. "What can he get for thirty dollars?"

"A handjob," Harry replies.

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob.

He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE male unit.

She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."

She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, D!ck, let's go."

ADG

[2MuchMark]

What did one tampon say to the other tampon?

Nothing they were both stuck up bitches.

[eroticsexxx]