Being a member of one of my college's premier drinking teams (and being the person who often was the most "sober" to drive), I created the following rules. I can't remember them all, but I came up with these because I was tired of people puking in the various cars I had during my college years.
Rules for excessively drunk passengers (in sequential order):
#1 - Purchase (in advance) several of mini desk bins or trash liners. If you can get some of the ones pictured below, even better...
http://www.globalindustrial.com/site...roup/90503.jpg
(by the way, a plastic bag full of puke makes for good entertainment later on). Also, get a roll of Bounty paper towels and a package of hair bands (drunk friends that have long hair will thank you for your foresight, trust me). These things will be placed under your seat, in a glove compartment or wherever you can reach them with one hand as quickly as possible.
#2 – When the situation of inebriation actually has occurred, there must be as much of a delay in leaving the bar, party, drinking event as possible. This allows time for some of the puke to leave its inebriated host.
#3 - Don't go on the highway if you can get to your destination on the local roads. It may take you longer to get home but there are multiple benefits to this:
a. getting pulled over is not fun when you have up to 3 or 4 drunk and rowdy persons in the car with you. Particularly if they are not yet at the "Oh shit, I'm gonna barf" stage. They are bound to do or say something stupid. Officers are more likely to appreciate the fact that you are taking your time to drive them home on the local roads as the "designated driver". (I also wrote another article in college about how to avoid a Breathalyzer/Sobriety test while plastered)
b. When the nausea begins, an inebriated passenger WILL have the bright idea that they need some fresh air. Do NOT open your windows if you are on a highway. Fast rushing air + especially drunk person = guaranteed puke spray along the side of your car (as well as in your car). They will attempt to stick their head out of the window or try to open the door to minimize their ‘vomitous’ mess. Once they start talking about fresh air, start rocking/swaying or perhaps getting strangely silent, immediately hand them the bin or plastic liner and if they refuse, insist on them at least holding it or putting it in their lap.
#4 - Once the puke starts to let loose, pull over smoothly (hand them a hair band) and be prepared to wait until they get to the point of dry heaving. If they suggest after the initial spew that they are okay, calmly suggest that since you are stopped already that they can continue. Usually moments after they begin to protest that they are fine, they will be interrupted by the second round of vomit. If they still want you to continue driving, simply hand them a paper towel and begin rubbing their back as they are hunched over the bin. Bystanders actually think that rubbing a person’s back makes a person feel better while they are vomiting, but actually the circular motions only exacerbate nausea.
#5 - Once they have gotten to the point when the majority of spewage appears to have left their stomach (read: The fountain of vomit has been reduced to a mere dribble), you can either help them tie the bag (and immediately give them another one) or empty the mini bin on the side of the road. Continue on your journey home, noting carefully that you may have to stop again. If the person is your girlfriend or roommate, help them indoors, making sure that they keep the plastic bag or bin in their hands. Oftentimes they will leave it in the car, which is a disaster if it’s the plastic bag scenario. This is also to avoid them puking inside your place randomly.
#6 - Take them directly to the bathroom and to the toilet. Do not stop to get them a drink of water if they ask and do not take them to their bedroom either. If you have a bathtub/walk-in shower, help them to get in and sit down. If not, get them a pillow to kneel/sit on after they are stationed squarely around the “porcelain oracle”. They will begin throwing up /dry heaving again almost instantly. If they are in the tub/shower they can throw up as they so please, because the worst case scenario is that they can simply take a shower in the morning (conveniently with the clothes they threw up all over). More supervision is needed with the toilet scenario though, as they might spew more readily on the floor.
#7 – Be sure to mentally catalog all occurrences for future instances of story-telling. In the end, the person in question will be very thankful for your preparedness and ability to handle their outright drunkenness. They will owe you. So make sure they compensate you in some friendly way or at the very least return the favor.
I had at least ten steps, but I can’t remember the rest. That’s the best I can do for now. If you find this useful (or have been taken care of by someone who has read these steps, please send paypal donations to
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LOL. I just had to add that.)
