i need help...
 

ok. i dont know why i am taking this to the 'board' but i feel i need all the input i can get.
heres the situation. i have a brother. he is going to be 20 in april. he has never been a really bad seed.. not really.
just a bad student, (got a .98 in his last semester in college. i dont even think i could get that if i tried)
into weed and irresponsible as hell. he has never had a job. i think he is also selling weed now.
anyways, he steals. first from me. as far as i was concerned. and tonite when i told my dad that i think he had stolen money from me, my dad starts crying and tells me that he has stolen from him. a lot.
this breaks my heart.
all i want to do is beat him so badly he lands in the fucking hospital. he has disrespected my father waaaay too long. and my dad doesnt have the heart to kick his ass out.
do i call the cops? do i have his arms broken? do i cuss him out in front of his friends? all this might sound so stupid and trivial, but it is very important to me.


(sorry if i wasted anyones time.. if you thought this was about something else. i dont know what to do.)
thank you.
caroline

Send Labret over to have a nice little "talk" with him. He doesn't look all that scary, but his guns do. :winkwink:

if you talk to him seriously about how he destroyed and disrespected his own father, will he listen to you, or is he so stupid, that he can not realise how stupid he became?

The price of drugs is always the igniter of the flame....they should just legalize the shit, & he wouldn't be stealing from you anymore.

But seriously you should be talking to your dad, talking to the bro won't do any good. Convince your dad to kick him out. I have so many friends that are absolutely worthless because their parents let them walk all over them.

Since when does legalization mean free drugs?

Sounds like your dad needs to start being a father to this kid. Your dad needs to grow a backbone and learn how to administer some tough love, because it sounds like your brother is, in a way, crying out for some guidance from his dad.

In other words, It sounds like you need to help your dad first, in order to help your brother. Either that or get your own shit together and move out and away from this aggravation.

i have tried talking to him since he was little. after my parents divorced, i was then the big sister (i have an older sister, but she went with my dad)
it was my brother and myself living with my mom. he was from then on treated like the little baby. got away with everything. and i think this is the result of that.
when i talk to him, he acts like he cares.. nods his head, agrees.. a really good actor.
i see the way he is when my dad yells at him. tells him he will change as well, apologises up and down.
im talking to my mo about this now, and she keeps blaming it all on my dad. as if she isnt his parent as well. arent i too young to be dealing with this?

have you ever planted marijuana seeds?...the shit could grow in a roadside ditch 6ft tall...without touching it

alchohol prohibition meant expensive alchohol

i can get a 40 of Old E for 1.25 now, if there was prohibition that same 40 would be 20$

I would call the police and have them talk to him, maybe even get him put behind bars for a couple of nights, there is a chance that will scare him enough to steer him away from the course he is taking.

When I was 15 I used to steal money occasionaly from my mom, one time she caught me and reported me to the police one of whom came round and gave me a severe talking to about what would happen if I did it again, I never did.

trust me. i have done this as well. since i was 12.
maybe its because im the middle child, but i have always felt the need to be the person who takes care of everything. i have told him he needs to kick him out. when he was younger, i suggested he send him away. i think my dad has this total guilt complex, and he lets my brother walk all over him to compensate for the time he didnt spend with him. and in turn my brother abuses that.

I dont really think drugs are the issue here. He would be stealing the money probaly regardless. And also, I thought you potheads say its not addictive.

Some people are just deadbeats. Only thing to do is let them hit rock bottom and hope they see the error of their ways. A person can only help themself, they don't listen to advice.

<img src=http://www.overmindesign.com/images/letter.jpg border="1">

how about i let him read some of the letters I get from a younger cousin of mine doing 10 years for armed robbery. (he is 20)

You and your Dad need to confront him, warn him that you'll call the cops & kick him out if he doesnt change his ways. Tell him its his last chance, that you love him but that you can not accept & support the path he's decided to take...

You can call the cops and kick him out now, but things will just get worse for him and you'll feel guilty. By giving him one more chance the guilt will land on him, ultimately he'll have to decide whats more important to him...

all of these things.. esp with the cops, is what i have been thinking. and its funny, but as i talk to my mom, i realize how warped she is with all that shit on tv or in books, of how to help people. she tells me he needs to see a therapist. that he has a lot of pent up anger and frustration. well so do i, but i sure as hell dont steal. i drive real fast. :)

but seriously, you think i could go talk to the cops, and they could do something like that? i suggested to my father earlier to call the cops and have him arrested, and that hurt him even more. he said he would never do that to his own son.

but i could.

Actually, I think you should play a silent role. You aren't the parent, although it's good that you're taking responsibility. Go sis!

You need to help your dad realize what's happening. He needs to confront him and straighten him out. Seriously, what could you possibly do?

Maybe next time you catch him stealing from you, you call up the cops and have them teach him a lesson. Perhaps give him an opportunity to steal and go in for the kill.

Caroline,

I agree with what's been posted about tough love but I have to say...from what you've said, I sort of doubt it's just pot. The kind of behavior you are talking about sounds like maybe your brother is using harder drugs.

I mean, pot is usually so available, and so prevelant, that people can usually score some from friends, whatever...without resorting to stealing. I don't know your specific situation...but one of the hallmarks of true addicts is the ability to be very convincing.

In all honesty, I think maybe you, your dad and whomever else in your family and friends may have to take more dramatic action. Just kicking someone out usually doesn't work because, and be honest here, if he comes back some cold night, hurt or whatever, your dad will take him back in. Any parent would.

Maybe you should look for an intervention and then some rehab program. Just kicking him out will only reinforce things in his mind, feelings of worthlessness and such...and he will act out even more to get what he needs.

Oh, and think of this, going to the cops will create a record, even if he isn't arrested...that won't help and may make things worse.

Damn, this makes me sound like I'm sensitive...I hate that.

I think you posted to the right place, by the way.

Good luck,

Brutal

yeah I'd get really pissed off and contfront him.

Lock up all your stuff, try to always make it a point to treat him as not trustworthy. Make fun of him about it and ride his ass about being a thief. Harrass him about it as much as possible, and ask him "did you steal that?" or "are you gonna steal this?" hehe thats what I would do anyhow. Ride his ass and make him feel really bad about it.

funny you should say that.. cause thats what i did. i had this money (thats the last thing he took) and i told him that if i didnt find it, that unfortunatel i would have to come to the conclusion that he took it because he has taken it before. he was so casual about it too.

and i would love to play the silent role, but i live here. and i will not sit here and watch him destory my father. im making plans with my mom now to maybe ship him out to arizona where she is living with her husband. he wont put up with my brothers shit. make him get a job.

i got scared, after i got booked by cops for blazing in the public area....that helped me a little bit

send him to the fucking army!
you will see how he will act, after scrubing toilets with his tooth brush

he is 19. i dont think he can be forced to do anything. but i would love to see him in boot camp. im pretty lazt, but he is the laziest mother fucker i have ever known!

well, i have to go to bed now, but i really appreciate all the replies from the people who replied. i was really upset and needed to let it out somewhere and make sure i wasnt nuts for thinking the way i do.
im like a 75 year old in a 22 year old head :(




goodnight :)

If it was my bother, I would smack him in the head (probablly get hit back), then smoke a joint with him and get him into to building some porn sites for me.

It would solve the theft problem.

if you call the cops on him, he'll end up an adult webmaster by the time he's 19

caroline, I got a friend of mine who was similar... got kicked out of his house by his father... then went to stay at one of our good friend`s place....

then, they found out he had stolen from my friend's mom, who let him stay there...

Then, he hit the fuckin bottom of the barrel... well, not exactly the way we though, happens that he got diagnozed with being Skizophrenic lol... now he's on medication, and he's way better than before...

not because he's on med (he was stealing before his psychosis) but because 1st, he hit the bottom... second, he now has a goal... he is writting scripts and wants to start producing...


your brother will have to either find a goal, or hit the bottom... no other way IMHO...


Now, Money usually is a good goal... it might sound like stupid... but Why not try to introduce him to porn.... who knows, he might have the touch with the biz... look at how many people smoke weed, are dumb and can make more money than most of us in this biz....


Just a thought...


(PS. if I would get kicked out of my house, I'd get more pissed I would think... try to make him feel bad somehow about it... I dunno... fake you will loose something big cuz of what he did, I dunno)

Holy shit.

You just described my ex-roomie. Is this friend in San Diego too?

Unfortunately there is nothing that can change that litle punk. Exerting "tough love" will just make him think his own family hates him and don't care. Talking only bores punks. It all boils down to his friends. Get him away from his punk ass friends. I've know kids that were doing pot, and only pot, and still stealing and doing other stupid stuff. It's not about addicition. It's about a lifestyle he has along with his peers. If he had no pot smoking friends to smoke with, he wouldn't need pot. Thus wouldn't need to steal money to buy pot. I bet none of his friends have jobs or intellectual abilities beyond that of a stale carrot. When a person hangs with stupid or otherwise lazy sons-a-bitches, THAT person becomes one. No matter how smart he is. Get him out of that vicious circle. Get him involved with your peers if you can. Show him what you do for hobbies. Get him into "the biz". Do anything. Just don;t force him. Ask him if he would liek to help you with this or that. Ask if he would liek to come along with you to there or over there. etc etc.

He does needs help, but not tough love. Tough love just made ME hate my mom more. And I've seen tough love cases in my peers as a teen get worse. 75 percent of those dealt tough love while I knew them are now in jail doing 5-25 years depending on the crime they commited. He needs to be included in a circle of decent people that are "fun" to be with, but not "crazy".

Reminds me of a friend of mine that I was living with at his parents for a few years. His parents caught him stealing many times, shoplifting, stealing rent money, stealing stereos from his dad to pawn, etc etc. They tried letting to cops handle it, he had court apearances, probation, threats of jail time etc etc. All it did was give him something to talk about to his loser friends who think jail is cool and that cops are pigs. He thought it was "COOL". So then they tried ignoring the problem. Instead it made him do things tryign to cry out for attention. Then they tried helping him and getting him to a doctor. He was good for a few months. Only because he was heavily sedated with ritalin. They blamed his activities on ADHD, which in my opinion is an excuse for being an idiot. Then he started his stealing again once he got used to the drugs and he didn't have that constant "high" feeling anymore. So they they exerted tough love and kicked him out. He got his own place, thoguth his parents didnt love him anymore because he wasent allowed in their hosue with constant supervision. SO he starts steeling , doing heavy drugs, drinking, stealing shit out of cars. They he started doing B&E's. Started doing coke. Started Shooting up. $ years later he has been in jail more than out. In 4 years he did 3.5 years tiome for stealing, drugs, evading arrest, giving false ID, beating cops, attempted murders. EVERYTHING. All because nobody in his family included him in anything. All he wanted was to hang with his bro and sis. And tehy would just shrug him off because they thought he just wanted tos teal from him. All he wanted was to be included when they went out with friends, HE just wanted to be included in teh whole "internet boom" his family was going through. But nobody would let him use a pc in fear that he would break it or steal components.

I am sure that if he was brought into a better crowd and included in family member's personal lives. He would not have turne dout teh way he is now. He used to be included, but he got in shit a few tiems, and they didnt know how to help him.

I hope this advice helps some.

Reminds me of myself

but i managed to change! :2 cents:

people in his train of thoguht usualy like to make things worse, it's called being self destructive. So in his own little ways, he may WANT that bad thing to happen.

If he were my kid, a 19 yr old lazy deadbeat drug-using guy who steals from his own family, I'd kick him out of the house right on his ass. He'd take with him only what he was wearing. That would make him hit "rock bottom" a lot quicker than you can spit. Let him go rely on his wonderful friends who care about him so much. He'll soon find that those wonderful friends aren't so wonderful after all. Once he comes crawling back, you start exerting terms on him..... like therapy, and he must get a job, and he must be more responsible around home, etc. One fuckup and it's bye-bye for good.


Don't fucking tell me tough love doesn't work. That's bullshit.


I and my family went through this twice in the past 15 years. First my nephew (who is 3 years younger than me) hit the skids and got caught doing Break+enters, and he did 4 months in the local penitentiary. Best time he ever spent.... he hasn't repeated a thing since, and he'll remember that horrible time he spent in prison for the rest of his life. He's a family man now, and is a lot more responsible than he was 15 years ago, but it took some tough love to get him back on the right track.

My niece also went through a 10-year period of senseless rebellion --- stealing from my sister and myself, running away at age 12, she got into prostitution to generate cash for booze and drugs, she broke into my sister's home and stole home electronics, she even stole all the change out of my change jar once while staying at my place. Little bitch upset my whole family for YEARS until my sister wised up and sent her off to an institution in Saskatchewan for 3 months. That and a LOT of tough love from the whole family is what it took to wise this girl up. She would come around at christmas and make nice with us so she could suck presents out of us. Fuck that! There were a few Christmas's were we completely ignored her sorry ass. TODAY she is still a handful, but she has two kids, a home, she lives with her boyfriend, and they are struggling but getting by..... and for the last 5 years they have been fully welcome at our christmas gathering.



Saying shit like "get him away from his friends" is ridiculous. How the hell is Caroline supposed to do that? This guy won't listen to anyone, why should he stop seeing his friends?? Tough love is the answer here, the ONLY answer.

Caroline.... I strongly suggest you move out. This isn't your problem, you're not his parent. Get away from this aggravation, or you'll find other stuff of yours will go missing soon. Or, the next time he does something illegal, call the cops and let the shit fall where it may.

you have valid points, but i guess it depends on the situation.

Not much will be resolved til someone finds out why he does this stuff..
Nobody has an answer because nobody knows the real problem.. All that has been discussed are the symptoms. You have to find the cause of it all. It could have been the divorce that started it all and nobody ever sat him down and explained the issue, or talked to him.. and listened to his views or opinions.
Could have been somethin even earlier than this..
You said 'when your dad "yells" at him, he agrees..' Yelling doesn't resolve a thing. All yelling does is belittle a person.
Perhaps he is acting out something that makes him feel a certain way..
Perhaps he never felt really accepted by his parents.. especially if yelling and arguing was part of how he saw his parents (speaking from experience)..
'Tough love' is hard to grasp if there was no 'real love' early on.

I could write a book here, but it would just be another opinion..

Try this... Find a situation when things are kind of ok and not when tempers are flaring.. ask him for help with something.. doesn't matter what, just some simple little thing that will put the two of you on a level playing field.. no offense/defense thing.. shoot the bull about the thing he's helping you with, then try to ease the conversation to something earlier and throw in a line about how you used to hate when this or that happened.. See how he responds.. if at all..
Just try to develop a raport so he feels like he can talk about things.. it might work.. it might not. If he starts relating to what you're talking about, he may get on a roll and spill his guts. Who knows.. the two of you may find a whole new relationship.
Naturally, not being a professional in such a field, you may not know what little things to listen for, but it might not matter.. your the sis, and he might just want to open up to you about things.. if given the non-judgemental opportunity..
If you do try something like this.. don't become the parent.. just remain the sis.. don't argue.. don't judge.. just shoot the bull.. You might be surprised what you learn about how he feels about things.. and perhaps even why he does what he does.. I would think it's at least worth a try.
I know this can work because I have done it on a number of ocassions with people.. both young and old.

Beat up the guy I buy my weed from? No way. He is a major slacker though, but who wasnt at 19, 20. The kid lives in Grosse Pointe Woods... the Beverley Hills of Michigan. He has no incentive to work.

i for sure agree with the friends thing.. as labret pointed out, we do live in a really nice neighborhood. homes start at around $500,000 to a few million.
anyways, when he was in highschool, i knew most all of his friends. they were all nice enough, and the smoking pot didnt bother me much then, because we all did it. and the fact that he didnt have a job, ok with that too i guess.
then i did move out. for a year. and i almost think things with him got worse. my father has always had to travel for work. sometimes he would be gone for weeks at a time. so my brother would take full advantage of this. but i never said anything about his parties.
now, 2 years graduated from highschool, still smoking pot, still without a job, and hanging out with friends i dont even know, who dont even say hello when they come over, he could be doing anything. im still waiting on my mom to see if he can be shipped out to arizona. my step dad won take any of his shit.


also... about introducing him to the biz? heheh no thanks.

Cool. I get those as well. My favorite cards are the handmade ones made by other inmates.

http://www.rustedpuffin.com/uncle.jpg

This is an uncle in for murder. Dont try and fuck a guy on a meth deal while he is on meth.

Take a piece of paper and draw a tiny circle and a huge circle:

o O

Explain him that the left circle is the current size of his asshole and that the right circle is the size of his asshole when he comes out of prison.

Dunno if he's gay but if not... maybe it helps.