Can someone help me with a few of these questions...
 

Why do they call it a TV "set" when you only have one?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
If you're driving at the speed of light and turn on your headlights, what happens?
Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?
If a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drive and drink?
Most packages say "open here," but what is the protocol if it says "open somewhere else?"
Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?
If con is opposite of pro, is Congress opposite of Progress If con is opposite of pro, is Congress opposite of Progress?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
If money doesn't grow on trees, why do bank have branches?
Why do we say, "slept like a baby," when babies wake up every hour and a half?
Why do we say alarm clocks "go off" when they start making noise?
Why do they call it 'quicksand' when it sucks you down so slowly?
When French people swear, do they say, "Pardon my English?"
If everyone lost five pounds at the same time, would it throw the earth off its axis?
What color hair do bald men put on their driver's licenses?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
Why do we "quiet down" before we can listen up?
Why do we press the remote control harder when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do bank charge a fee for "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are 4 billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word, "lisp?"
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are NOT on sale?
Why do people go back to the refrigerator in the hope that something new to eat has materialized?
How come we never hear "father-in-law" jokes?
How did that "Keep Off the Grass" sign get there in the first place?
Why are there flotation devices under the seat of planes instead of parachutes?
Why is it that when you transport something by car it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of an airplane?
Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keyboards of drive up ATM's?
If they squeeze olive oil out of olives, how do they get baby oil?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
Why do you press harder on the remote control when you know that the battery is dead?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
How can you tell when sour cream goes bad?
Where would we be without rhetorical questions?
Why is the word "abbreviation" so long?

Why do they call it a TV "set" when you only have one?
- i dont know
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
- its possible
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
- telepathically
If you're driving at the speed of light and turn on your headlights, what happens?
- Telepathically
Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?
- stupidity?
If a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose?
- probably
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
- because they can
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
- Alex Jones told me to fuck off
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drive and drink?
- it's a trap
Most packages say "open here," but what is the protocol if it says "open somewhere else?"
- then open elsewhere, that simple.
Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?
- it's french
If con is opposite of pro, is Congress opposite of Progress If con is opposite of pro, is Congress opposite of Progress?
- yes
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
- because this is America
If money doesn't grow on trees, why do bank have branches?
- more places to hide the stash
Why do we say, "slept like a baby," when babies wake up every hour and a half?
- who knows
Why do we say alarm clocks "go off" when they start making noise?
- they usually sound pissed
Why do they call it 'quicksand' when it sucks you down so slowly?
- sometimes its faster
When French people swear, do they say, "Pardon my English?"
- yes
If everyone lost five pounds at the same time, would it throw the earth off its axis?
- no
What color hair do bald men put on their driver's licenses?
- n/a
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
- when you can't get a decent tone
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
- why ask why
Why do we "quiet down" before we can listen up?
- hard to hear when you're running your mouth
Why do we press the remote control harder when we know the batteries are getting weak?
- punch it next time works faster
Why do bank charge a fee for "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
- $$$$ mo money mo money mo money
Why does someone believe you when you say there are 4 billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
- usually we only use 1% of our brain
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
- it is a sticky substance
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
- hygiene
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
- he grew weary
Why does superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
- he likes ducks
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
- safety purposes
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word, "lisp?"
- obviously he/she didn't have a lisp
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
- different species
Is there ever a day that mattresses are NOT on sale?
- no
Why do people go back to the refrigerator in the hope that something new to eat has materialized?
- habit
How come we never hear "father-in-law" jokes?
- mother-in-laws are funnier
How did that "Keep Off the Grass" sign get there in the first place?
- very carefully
Why are there flotation devices under the seat of planes instead of parachutes?
- mind control tactics
Why is it that when you transport something by car it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
- good question
What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of an airplane?
- Geronimo
Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
- yes
Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together?
- there is usually a thin wall separation the cattle
Why do they put Braille dots on the keyboards of drive up ATM's?
- for blind drivers
If they squeeze olive oil out of olives, how do they get baby oil?
- squeezing babies
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
- for smoke breaks
Why do you press harder on the remote control when you know that the battery is dead?
- you already asked this fucking question
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
- because there are 5 syllables there
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
- they don't know the numbers
Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
- sometimes
How can you tell when sour cream goes bad?
- too watery, moldy or foul odor
Where would we be without rhetorical questions?
- gfy
Why is the word "abbreviation" so long?
- go fuck yourself
__________________

:thumbsup:thumbsup:1orglaugh:1orglaugh

Why are you doing George Carlins stand up act?

It goes back to the creation of the first televisions. They were boxes that held a "set" of vacuum tubes.

Wool shrinks in hot water. Rain is not hot.

Carpool

It is impossible for anything but light to travel at the speed of light. Moot question.

Profit

No.

"Interstate" is a class of road that must meet certain criteria, such as controlled access.

Expense & practicality

To prove your age

I would need a sample package to fully determine this.

Language quirk

No. Language quirk.

Parkways are for moving traffic. Driveways are entrances to garages and sometimes for parked vehicles.

Corporate structure terminology.

Babies have no concerns other than eating, drinking, shitting and sleeping. The phrase is used to express a restful night without anxiety.

The alarm portion of the clock is "going off" according to it's settings. Perfectly acceptable.

Sand is a component, and it "quickly" kills you.

No

No. The world's populations are spread across the globe. If everyone lost 5 pounds simultaneously, the only thing that would change is everyone would be 5 pounds less.

Whatever the DMV tells them to put.

When they are out of tune.

They require more practice.

To assimilate auditory information properly without extraneous irrelevancies.

Some people may feel the remote itself is malfunctioning.

Profit

This is an unfounded absolute. Not everyone believes or disbelieves either one.

It does. Most of the glue will stay fluid however, due to lack of oxygen in the bottle.

To protect the operators in the event of an accidental needle prick.

The author didn't include one.

Writer's preference.

To protect against head injury while they attempt to accomplish their mission.

The creator of the word.

Not all apes evolved simultaneously. There wasn't one large single tribe of apes, there were many spread out over the globe. Some evolved, some didn't.

No.

A memory returned of a forgotten item, or simple thoroughness.

They aren't funny.

It was placed there by a human.

The parachute instructions are too lengthy to explain to the average passenger and would delay airport operations.

Language quirk.

Geronimo is dead. He doesn't jump out of planes.

No.

They're isolated cubicles that keep you "apart" from your neighbors.

To comply with the handicap accessibility requirements.

Baby oil is a usually fragrant mineral oil that is used especially to moisturize and cleanse the skin.

In the event that they need to lock the doors.

This question is a duplicate and has already been addressed.

That is the number of syllables required to pronounce the word properly.

They are frauds. "Psychics" do not exist in the real world.

It is merely an expression that means to "be prepared". The Boy Scouts of America have a similar motto, "Be Prepared".

It goes rancid.

We would be in the same location, but lacking an important part of human dialog.

Because there are 12 letters comprising the word.

:2 cents:

You guys are Hilarius. Nice work.

im still getting over this one......

When I was a kid and naughty my mom would say " you better be careful as your treading on thin ice.. and it will get you into hot water " :Oh crap

I never replied... just though huh ! :1orglaugh