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Amputate Your Head

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#1

Death of a family member: Need advice

01-19-2010, 04:20 PM

I don't have a lot of experience with this, so I'm asking for some feedback.....

How do you deal with immediate family loss? Get drunk and rage against the neighbors? Crash your car? Set something on fire? Quietly suffer?

I don't even know what to feel.... I feel lots of things right now. Anger, sorrow, emptiness....

wtf?

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#2

01-19-2010, 04:25 PM

hmm...everyone deals with it in their own way im sure.

id have a look around you and at your immediate family and see if anyone else is needing some help....is anyone watching over the affairs to be settled? maybe you can take charge of that it will give you something to do.

i went through some stuff like this just a few months ago...sucks bigtime.

keep your chin up, and try to be positive to those around you as everyone is going to be feeling bad

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#3

01-19-2010, 04:27 PM

it's rough man... one the most confusing times in my life was when my mom died. I really had no idea how to react to it and still have moments where I'm an emotional wreck because I never truly showed anyone how I felt.

If you've got someone you feel safe and secure enough with to really let loose... do it.
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#4

01-19-2010, 04:28 PM

I get into a drunken stupor for a couple days and mourn that way

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#5

01-19-2010, 04:29 PM

Just try to stay as busy as possible.

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#6

01-19-2010, 04:29 PM

Originally posted by Spunky

I get into a drunken stupor for a couple days and mourn that way

but what if that's normal daily operations..... then what? Get REALLY drunk?

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#7

01-19-2010, 04:32 PM

You never get over it, but it gets easier over time...I have lost every member of my family...I am the last one left...But the sun will still come up and life goes on...

Last edited by Rangermoore; 01-19-2010, 04:33 PM.
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#8

01-19-2010, 04:32 PM

I haven't lost a parent, but have lost my grandparents...all of whom I was close with.

I seem to have just bottled those all up. And last year, we lost my girl's mother and the floodgates opened. I was an emotional wreck and basically mourned all of them at once.

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Amputate Your Head

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#9

01-19-2010, 04:34 PM

I've lost a child and a parent.... I didn't think there was pain beyond that, but this is new pain.

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#10

01-19-2010, 04:35 PM

It's really tough, grief puts most people on edge. Don't beat yourself up if you wind up snapping on people and if other members of your fam snap at you try to take it with a grain of salt.

Going out with friends can be theraputic, but I find burring myself in work helps the most. Takes the mind off things for a while.

I'm sorry for your loss.

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#11

01-19-2010, 04:35 PM

i usually bottle it all up then one night randomly burst out at someone for the smallest shit. lucky i have friends who accept me anyway.
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#12

01-19-2010, 04:36 PM

Originally posted by MetaMan

i usually bottle it all up then one night randomly burst out at someone for the smallest shit. lucky i have friends who accept me anyway.

Consider yourself lucky. What do you do when you don't have any friends to reach out to?

I haven't had friends for over a decade.

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#13

01-19-2010, 04:39 PM

Originally posted by Amputate Your Head

Consider yourself lucky. What do you do when you don't have any friends to reach out to?

I haven't had friends for over a decade.

i've always considered you a friend

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#14

01-19-2010, 04:41 PM

Originally posted by SleazyDream

i've always considered you a friend

Please don't take this the wrong way..... but "being favorable to each other on GFY", is not the same as a friend in the neighborhood that you can go have a beer with and confide in.

I haven't had a friend in that capacity since high school in the early 80's. And still don't.

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#15

01-19-2010, 04:44 PM

Originally posted by Amputate Your Head

Please don't take this the wrong way..... but "being favorable to each other on GFY", is not the same as a friend in the neighborhood that you can go have a beer with and confide in.

I haven't had a friend in that capacity since high school in the early 80's. And still don't.

i'm actually kinda in the same boat......

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#16

01-19-2010, 04:47 PM

Pretty much depends on the relative and cause of death. My mom died a few weeks ago, but we rejoiced since she is now in a better place than she was living.
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#17

01-19-2010, 04:49 PM

Originally posted by SleazyDream

i'm actually kinda in the same boat......

I really didn't mean that in a bad way bro... you know what I mean. I'm not trying to start any shit or anything.... I'm sorry man

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#18

01-19-2010, 04:49 PM

Originally posted by Amputate Your Head

Consider yourself lucky. What do you do when you don't have any friends to reach out to?

I haven't had friends for over a decade.

i just try to remember that the person who died would want me to keep going on with my life and be happy.

grandma died recently and it affected me alot since we were super close. but i just try to remember it would do her a great injustice by sitting around and being down about it.

life is very very fucked up and i cannot explain it but death is apart of life. without death we wouldnt know what life is. through death it should remind you to always live your life like the way the people who have passed on would want you to.
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#19

01-19-2010, 04:52 PM

Originally posted by Amputate Your Head

I don't have a lot of experience with this, so I'm asking for some feedback.....

How do you deal with immediate family loss? Get drunk and rage against the neighbors? Crash your car? Set something on fire? Quietly suffer?

I don't even know what to feel.... I feel lots of things right now. Anger, sorrow, emptiness....

wtf?

Depends, my grandmother passed away last wednesday at 85 years old.. It was very hard, but at the same time, now I know she is in peace with my Grandfather. She was sick for a very long time.

Now if its a parent, sibling, etc. I think it is A LOT harder and can only imagine.

Definitely do not rage, go on a alcohol / crack spree, that will get you absolutely no where for something that was totally out of your control.

In my opinion, stay close and grieve with your family, making it easier for them will help make it easier for you. It is a process, but you will get through it, stay strong.

Sorry about your loss.

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#20

01-19-2010, 04:56 PM

Originally posted by Amputate Your Head

I really didn't mean that in a bad way bro... you know what I mean. I'm not trying to start any shit or anything.... I'm sorry man

no offense taken.

if you ever want to chat feel free to call me

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#21

01-19-2010, 05:06 PM

Originally posted by Amputate Your Head

I don't have a lot of experience with this, so I'm asking for some feedback.....

How do you deal with immediate family loss? Get drunk and rage against the neighbors? Crash your car? Set something on fire? Quietly suffer?

I don't even know what to feel.... I feel lots of things right now. Anger, sorrow, emptiness....

wtf?

I would say try not to take out on other people.

Perhaps talk to your other family members who are still alive.

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#22

01-19-2010, 05:06 PM

i assume you are friends with your spouse. no one else at all? i'm as anti-social as anyone could be, but i have a solid 4 friends that would do anything for me. damn.

anyway, my cousin killed himself, his dad (my uncle) did the same, my mom died a couple of years ago of cancer, my aunt died more recently of cancer as well. the worst part for me is the funerals, where you are there saying hi to everyone and they are all 'giving their condolences'. it's completely surreal.

we'll miss you our friend. RIP
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#23

01-19-2010, 05:06 PM

Sorry to hear about that.. give it time and everything will be :
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#24

01-19-2010, 05:12 PM

sorry for your loss, you should just keep it together and be strong for the rest of your family. I am sure they would not want you to do anything crazy. Perhaps after you make the arrangements try to do things that you enjoy...you must enjoy GFY so this is a start. Listen to some music you enjoy or some TV shows...keep busy and there is nothing wrong with crying or showing emotion. If you have a lot of anger...go to the gym or go out for a jog.

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#25

01-19-2010, 05:12 PM

do you mind if I ask who died?

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#26

01-19-2010, 05:16 PM

My heart goes out to you..

Get drunk and rage against the neighbors? Crash your car? Set something on fire?--NOPE!!

Quietly suffer?-Yep and Nope. Express your feelings and draw near to you those that are also effected.

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#27

01-19-2010, 05:20 PM

everybody does in their own way - like quiet said the funeral and the after stuff is surreal if it's somebody very close to you, parent/sibling - i despised it all when my dad died 10 years ago, people chit chatting about work and family like it was a cocktail party.

won't happen when it's my time, no effin' anything - buh bye sayonara out

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#28

01-19-2010, 05:23 PM

Originally posted by Rangermoore

You never get over it, but it gets easier over time...I have lost every member of my family...I am the last one left...But the sun will still come up and life goes on...

I too have lost every member of my family and the family name dies with me as I do not have and will not have children. The loss I suffered most with was losing my parents when I was 12 years old. The passing of time reduces the frequency of times of remembrance but when I allow myself to remember...the pain is just as great now as it was then.

Amp all you can do is grab the left nut and hang on for the ride until time does its work.

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#29

01-19-2010, 05:24 PM

Originally posted by Amputate Your Head

I don't have a lot of experience with this, so I'm asking for some feedback.....

How do you deal with immediate family loss? Get drunk and rage against the neighbors? Crash your car? Set something on fire? Quietly suffer?

I don't even know what to feel.... I feel lots of things right now. Anger, sorrow, emptiness....

wtf?

I were 17 when my uncle stepped into the bar where I were sitting saying he needed to talk to me, I knew instantly something were wrong and I knew something were serious wrong when I saw my mom outside.
My dad had died of a heart attack I were pretty drunk and I think it made it the initial shock easier didn't make it easier the next day.
If you are a relaxed guy call you best friends and go out and get drunk, talk and cry try to get it out of your system. If you are a crazy drunk don't do it.

I am sorry for you loss.

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#30

01-19-2010, 06:44 PM

Sorry for your loss Amp. I don't think getting drunk, angry or taking it out on other people will help you in the least bit.

It hurts and probably will for a long while and although you don't forget, the pain 'numbs' after awhile. You have to have some 'acquaintance' that could lend an ear, a neighbour that will listen - doesn't hurt to reach out when you simply need to talk or vent. It does the mind good.

Don't bottle it in - cry it out, yell if you have to - just don't get physical with anything/anyone, it doesn't help and tomorrow other than broken 'friends/bones/relationships/walls' you'll still have to face your loss. Take it one day at a time, it gets better.

Be strong.
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#31

01-19-2010, 06:48 PM

In my case, bottle it up for nearly five years and then when I was 'safe' spaz out. My advice...spaz when you feel the need and don't fight it or it just gets worse.
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#32

01-19-2010, 06:49 PM

Originally posted by baddog

Pretty much depends on the relative and cause of death. My mom died a few weeks ago, but we rejoiced since she is now in a better place than she was living.

I am glad you could rejoice in the situation but I am still sorry to hear about your loss.
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#33

01-19-2010, 07:42 PM

I'm sorry for your loss.

If you feel like you should be feeling anything different than what you feel now, it is OK. We all deal with death differently. Whatever you are feeling is normal.

As for what you do ... that is a personal thing, too. Some people sit and cry for days on end, some try not to think about it, some withdraw, some get closer to other family members...it's different for everyone.

I always feel guilty because I am usually numb, distant and in denial until the funeral ... and then I am a wreck ... but that's just how I do it...
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#34

01-19-2010, 07:45 PM

It's not easy. I held my mom's hand while she died two years ago, I'm happy I got to be there for her.
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#35

01-19-2010, 07:48 PM

Family, family, family.

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#36

01-19-2010, 07:52 PM

IMO, getting smashed is not the best way to deal with it and could make things worse. dont try and hide from it, accept what happened and grieve, its a natural process of life. Its not something easy to go through at all whether its a family member, close friend or pet, but going to booze or trying to hide from it, will only make things worse.

ive had friends try to only push aside and ignore what has happened then end up exploding shortly after and their life was a mess. instead take some time to yourself, remember the person for who they were and what they brought in your life, as I'm sure thats how they would want you to remember them, not getting bomb drunk and throwing your tv through your bedroom window at 3am.

if you dont have anyone close to confide in, try going to a church or support group. it might seem corny, but they are there for a reason. speak whats on your mind, these people are going through something similar and will help in the grieving process. dont feel stupid for going or be ashamed. whats the worst thats going to happen? you will talk about your feelings, share with a few people, then never see them again? give it a shot, I'm sure you will feel much better.

I am sorry for your loss and wish you the best

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#37

01-19-2010, 07:55 PM

Death follows me so I don't stress anymore, its a fact of life everyone dies at some point kind of thing with me.

2 sets of parents(real parents when I was young and "parents" that raised me), grandparents, multiple other family members, several friends. Only one REALLY bothered me, and I am the reclusive type so that made it worse, no shoulders to cry on.

Just deal with it on a day to day to day basis is the advice someone gave me and it seems to work.

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#38

01-19-2010, 07:57 PM

I don't know what to tell you. When my mom passed away 9 years ago I was shellshocked for a few weeks. Not sad. Not angry. Just numb. I really believe nubmness is way worse than pain. At least pain reminds you that you're alive. I did a lot of nature trail hiking, praying, meditation, and talking with other relatives to remember and celebrate her life to get the numbness out. Everything else didn't work.

Hang in there, man.

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#39

01-19-2010, 08:59 PM

I have a major phobia of death and funerals. My dad passed when I was 6 and almost every year after till about 20 I had close family friends that I considered like grandparents pass. My mom had lots of friends and especially older couples that I considered like grandparents.

Because I was young I didn't have to go to the funerals and finally went when I was 10. It traumatized me and I've never been to one since. It was someone that was like a 2nd father and he was wearing the tie my brother and I gave him for Fathers Day. To this day I can't remember his face but I can remember the tie and my mothers sobbing.

So I learned to cope by skipping funerals this way I don't have to see the body or people grieving and thus the ONLY memories I have are of them alive and happy. I've been lucky that my family understands and is not insulted by the flaking.

For me it's great to ONLY be able to picture the person alive and happy. I know the person is gone, but I have zero flash backs of the funeral and casket and for me that's great. So I guess I cope by acting like the death never happened.

My dog recently passed and I've been putting off picking up her ashes at the vet. I don't want to be reminded of her death. Death sucks.

I'm sorry for your loss Amp

Last edited by Meloman; 01-19-2010, 09:01 PM.
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#40

01-19-2010, 09:02 PM

I hope Amp is ok right now...................

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#41

01-19-2010, 09:29 PM

you all know I have powers of premonition, well I was just thinking 5 minutes ago how bad being incarcerated is, it's not physically difficult, but it's emotionally painful.

That's all I can say as I've only ever lost a dog, but when I get locked up I take up smoking and it breaks up the day and gives you real pleasure in a place that is void of it. I know some prisons in US have banned smoking, it would be 10 times tougher without smokes. 9 out of 10 prisoners smoke.

It's only as dangerous as flying on a jet if you give up a few weeks after you get out... or in your case get over it. Don't tell me you already smoke.
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#42

01-19-2010, 09:39 PM

Best advice I can give, go offline, take a break for a while and talk face to face with other loved ones.
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#43

01-19-2010, 09:44 PM

Originally posted by Amputate Your Head

I don't have a lot of experience with this, so I'm asking for some feedback.....

How do you deal with immediate family loss? Get drunk and rage against the neighbors? Crash your car? Set something on fire? Quietly suffer?

I don't even know what to feel.... I feel lots of things right now. Anger, sorrow, emptiness....

wtf?

Spend it with the other people who were affected by the loss, console each other. There is no recipe to getting through something like death of loved one.

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#44

01-19-2010, 09:48 PM

I've never lost someone close to me. My father died when I was nine months old. Both of grandfathers died before I was born. Both grand mothers died in the past few years; It hurt at first but then it wasn't much of a big deal for me.

My wife lost her younger brother when we were first dating. It was devastating for them, and every year they "celebrate" his death - which I just don't understand.

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#45

01-19-2010, 10:22 PM

Originally posted by Rochard

every year they "celebrate" his death - which I just don't understand.

They don't celebrate his life?
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#46

01-20-2010, 01:40 AM

keep yourself busy. I'm sorry for your loss!

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#47

01-20-2010, 01:48 AM

I lost my dad, its great pain but you need to continue living but never forget them

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#48

01-20-2010, 04:26 AM

Originally posted by Rochard

My wife lost her younger brother when we were first dating. It was devastating for them, and every year they "celebrate" his death - which I just don't understand.

My grandmother does that. She calls them "Angel Days". I try to be respectful of it but personally I can't stand it. For me it's like rubbing salt into a wound.

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#49

01-20-2010, 06:27 AM

Dealing with the death of loved ones is definitely the hardest thing us humans face in life. Lost my last Grandma a few months ago. Hurt like hell. Still shed a tear for my other Grandma I lost like 8 years ago. The hurt never leaves. You learn to deal with that pain and go on with life. Even not thinking about it for long periods of time, but it's always there.

All the best.
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#50

01-20-2010, 06:30 AM

I'm sorry for your loss...it's hard, but you have to keep on living.

I'm just a newbie.
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