Blending in the the Locals (New Joke)
 

When you travel around the world, its easy to pick up accents and expressions from other countries. And I try to blend in with the locals any way I can.

When I was in Canada, everyone thought I was Canadian just because I got drunk and started saying "Ay?". And when I was in Australia, everyone thought I was Australian just because I got drunk and started saying “G’day, Mate!”

But when I was in Jamaica, no one mistook ME for a Jamaican, just because I got drunk and started saying “Ya Mon”. I guess I needed dreads too or something? I dunno. But I got my ASS BEATEN in Germany, because they all thought I was ENGLISH when I got drunk and started saying, “YER ALL FUCKIN’ CUNTS!”

Some of your audience might not get that joke; for example, I don't know the Germans have any issues with the English and I've been to both countries :2 cents:

Does it take a world traveler to figure out why I would get my ass beaten for that one? Even if Germans and English DID like each other!

LOL, good one!!!!

Well yeah, I get calling them cunts wouldn't be appreciated :)

But IMO, the part "because they all thought I was ENGLISH" though seems to allude to something between the German and English...just my opinion anyhow.

Maybe I need to pick a better known world war? I bet the Germans and English are going to get this one!

Now that I like:thumbsup

Rorschach, you are my first official "virtual hecker". I'm so proud! But now, you can go "virtually fuck yourself." If you can write original jokes better than mine, then break them out so I can steal them. I'm sure we'll make a great comedy team.

I think you should end the bit after the jamaican bit, the jamaican reference to me was better than the german one.
WG

Thank you "Test Group A" and all you unpaid assistant writers! Your comments are duly noted. Next joke:

My first house was in a bad, I mean BAD neighborhood. There was a crack house next door, and a meth lab a few doors down, and I was dealing weed and shooting amateur porn in my basement.... One night I heard gunshots right outside my door! The next day, I realized my HOUSE got SHOT! I never found out who shot it, but maybe my house was ARRESTED, and it COPPED a PLEA and ROLLED OVER on everyone in the NEIGHBORHOOD? If so, that fucking SNITCH BITCH house DESERVED to be shot!

Don't cry, look at history. It wasn't ME that started attacking YOU. My stupid jokes seem important to you for some reason, and you get all emotional when you don't like one.

Try DECAF.

I didn't really get this part to be honest. I know what you're trying to say and go with it, but the way you described it didn't quite deliver it in my opinion.
WG

When my wife was in labor with our first child, she wasn't shy about using drugs for the pain. Our anethesiolo-whatever was Johnny-on-the-spot with anything she needed. She finally felt some relief and was able to nap for 30 minutes or so. She needed it! She was 30 HOURS into her labor!

I asked him, what did you give her? He said he "administered an epidural". So I leaned over and asked him, "Is there any way we could get some Epidural for when we are home? What does that shit go for on the street?”

But I found out, it’s a procedure, not a medicine. I looked it up. I only knew it’s totally different than an “Episiotomy”. I'm never going to let my dealer talk me into trying one of those again! I had a REALLY BAD TRIP on that! I don't even want to talk about it!

...but maybe my house was ARRESTED, and it took a PLEA BARGAIN and TESTIFIED against all the OTHER HOUSES in the NEIGHBORHOOD? If so, that fucking SNITCH-BITCH HOUSE DESERVED to be shot!

Sorry, but none of them are funny.

Wait, don't you mean "Sorry, but none of them are funny, you fucking asshole who made me read against my will?" Throw some disrespect in there, bro! This is GFY!

I'm trying to write a joke, but I can't remember what something is called. What are those things girls always play with, you hold them in your fist, and they spin when you blow them? Oh yeah, BOYS!

Been loving the jokes dood... can't wait to here a few live at one of the next shows. You are already a great person to have conversation with, humorous and intelligent... with the standup training added in the next show should be a blast...

Last for tonight:

I drove out to LA from Phoenix, and around Palm Springs I saw something that really impressed me. There were rows and rows of white towers spinning in the wind, like giant Pinwheels. I thought, “Wow, the people that live here must be RICH! What a great idea! Someone finally figured out how to use GIANT FANS to make LA stop SMELLING like a GARBAGE DUMP!

LOL, now that's a great one!
WG

When I traveled around the world, I try to blend in with the locals any way I can. I found myself picking up accents and expressions from other countries.

When I was in Canada, everyone thought I was Canadian just because I got drunk and started saying "Ay?". And when I was in Australia, everyone thought I was Australian just because I got drunk and started saying “G’day, Mate!”

But when I was in Jamaica, no one mistook ME for a Jamaican, just because I got high and started saying “Ya Mon”. I guess I needed dreads too or something? I dunno.

And when I was in Germany, no one mistook me for GERMAN, just because I got drunk and started saying, “YER ALL FUCKIN’ CUNTS!” They actually beat my ass. I got too drunk and thought I was in ENGLAND!

no offence mate but that is the worst joke i've ever heard in my life

Fathers and mothers will get that one, but if your audience is younger they won't have any clue what an Episiotomy is hehe. I wish I didnt know... :Oh crap

if you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all....

<insert silence here>
__________________

This version is better

When my wife was in labor with our first child, she wasn't shy about using drugs for the pain. Our anethesiolo-whatever was Johnny-on-the-spot with anything she needed. She finally felt some relief and was able to nap for 30 minutes or so. She needed it! She was 30 HOURS into her labor! I asked him, what did you do to her? He said he “administered an Epidural”. So I leaned over and asked him, "Is there any way we could get some Epidural for when we are home? What does that shit go for on the street?” He said, “No, I don’t have any extra Epidural, but I could probably hook you up with a couple Ultrasounds and maybe an Episiotomy.

Sorry I can't make you laugh. I don't tell fart jokes.

hahahahaha

you're getting better..:thumbsup

and btw, fart and shit jokes are hilarious... they never get old...

Ok, just for you, I just sent my wife to Home Depot to get a "Golden Shower".

Better. :thumbsup

I did some computer work for a company that produces pornography for the internet. They kept firing employees, it seemed like someone was getting fired every week. I finally asked why, they said “We caught them NOT looking at PORN at WORK.” I was like, "Yeah, those sick bastards need to learn to control their urges!

A Jewish kid goes up to his dad and asks Dad, can I have 50p?, his dad goes 30p? What you want 20p for? I ain't got 10p! Here's 5p, share it with your sister!

Look at the bright side, if no one gets your jokes, you can always do sports shows.

see, i like where you're going... i would expand on that one.. :thumbsup

an english man, a paki and a african are in a pub the paki downs his pint throws his glass in the air shoots it and says "i’ve got so much money i don’t need to drink from the same glass twice" the african dude downs his pint throws his glass in the air grabs the gun and shoots the glass he says" there’s so much sand in my country i don’t need to drink from the same glass twice" the english dude downs his drink slams the glass on the table grabs the gun and shoots the paki and the african and says " there’s so many paki’s and africans in my country that i don’t need to drink with the same ones twice"

Perhaps the people who got fired were caught day trading?

Something non-porn, maybe on ebay or online poker.

Then the control their urges line.

The were fired for "NOT LOOKING at PORN". Most people get fired for "LOOKING AT PORN" at work. damn, I'm not changing that one.

When my wife got pregnant with our second child, we wanted to tell my mother the big news in a clever way, so we put a little shirt on our one-year-old son that said “I’m going to be a Big Brother!” When she read it, she was like “Isn’t he a little young to join that organization?”

I said “No, he’s volunteering 20 hours a week down at the community center to help keep unborn fetuses off the streets… cuz they can get into SO MUCH TROUBLE at that age!

just so you know... its 'Eh' , not 'Ay'

that should help you blend in better :)

Then end it on the line they were fired for not looking at porn.

Just offering suggestions... change or don't, it is your ass up on stage not mine :)