GoFuckYourself.com - Adult Webmaster Forum

"Let Me Steve All Over You" (version 4)

Today is my last day of ?Comedy School?. I didn?t tell anyone that I was taking a comedy class because I didn?t want to be embarrassed. When my wife asked me where I was going every Monday night, I just told her I was "go-go dancing at a gay nightclub".

I really appreciate everything my comedy teacher taught me, but I don?t think he was too happy when I brought a six-pack of beer to class. But sitting in the front row of class and getting hammered was one of the things on my bucket list. It?s been a dream of mine since Junior High!

But it turned out my teacher is a recovering alcoholic. I felt like an insensitive ass. So the next week I brought a bag of weed to class instead. He seemed fine with that, so for graduation, I?m bringing an 8ball and a bunch of strippers!

How many of you have made a bucket list? Where you list all the things you?d like to do or see before you kick the bucket? Well, I?ve crossed a lot of things off mine already.

They say the average man thinks about sex once every seven seconds. I call those men AMATEURS! I actually walked away from my career after 15 years to become a porn director. Now, I know what you are thinking, ?So what? Who wouldn?t??

When people hear I work in the porn business, they picture me smoking cigars all day while horny naked girls lie around my pool and wait to have sex with me. It?s really not like that. I don?t smoke cigars, or make the girls wait!

People always ask me, do you fuck your models? Well, yeah, I put their naked pictures all over the internet, THOSE GIRLS ARE FUCKED!

The truth is I never had sex with my models. There are good reasons I don?t have sex with younger women. Mostly, because they won?t fucking let me! And they say things like ?It doesn?t matter that you are fat, cuz you?re old!?

Besides, I?ve been married for 15 years. My wife and I have so much in common. Just the other night, she asked me, ?Would you like to get drunk and have sex tonight?? I said ?I was JUST thinking the EXACT same thing!? It?s amazing how much we think alike! After 15 years together, it?s like we share the same mind! Then she said ?Ok give me a minute while I change and open a bottle of wine.? I said ?Oh, you meant sex with EACH OTHER? Oh fuck, never mind!? I guess we?re really not on the same page after all!

Another thing on my bucket list was having children. Now they write most of my jokes for me.

For example, when my son was really little he had a bad habit of cursing. One time he dropped his ice cream on the ground, and shouted ?SHIT!? right in front of his grandmother. I told him that just earned him a 15 minute time out. He screamed, ?I don?t want no FUCKING TIME OUT!? I didn?t really care about him cursing. I just wanted him to stop WASTING all the ice cream! But his grandmother was shocked! She said, ?Where the fuck did he learn to talk like that??

A few years later he got his first computer and discovered the internet. He innocently typed his name and dot com just to see what would happen. Well it turns out Danny.com is a softcore porn website. He was very upset about it. I told him, ?Just be glad we didn?t name you ?HUSTLER?. Or ?COLLEGE FUCK FEST?! Or ?BIG-CUMMY-TITTIES!?. Or ?YOUR-MOMS-A-SLUT!? Or ?HOOKERS-FOR-DADDY?.

After that, I imagined the day when he is an adult, so I will be able to show him the ropes of the porn business. ?Ok, first SNORT THIS COKE, then FUCK THAT HOOKER!? Ok, that?s just a joke, don?t get upset. I?m only kidding. Everyone knows you can?t fuck hookers when you are all COKED OUT!

I never know what to say to hookers. One night a hooker came up to me and said, ?Do you need anything Baby? Anything at all?? I said ?Oh yeah baby, I do! I need something REALLY badly!! I need to know how to make an ugly hooker go away.?

So last year I crossed the biggest item of all off my bucket list.

I got to hang out at the Playboy Mansion! But I had to pay 750 dollars to go there, and when we got there, we pretty much just stood around in the yard all night. I wanted to see the house! I never even got NEAR the house. I kind of felt cheated. So I added a new item to my bucket list. I want to be like Hugh Hefner and get some stupid asshole to pay me 750 dollars to stand around in MY yard!

So I looked at my yard on Google Earth, and the picture was so detailed I could actually see a beer bottle I left on my deck. So now I spend a lot of time sunbathing naked in my back yard. So when Google Earth takes a picture of me, I will be able to tell chicks, ?My cock is so BIG, it can be seen from OUTER fucking SPACE!?

I love how Google has now become an actual verb, like ?I Google?d your name to get your phone number.? So for the final item on my bucket list, I?ve decided to make my name a verb too. So ladies and gentleman, thank you for letting me STEVE ALL OVER YOU!

Thank you and good night!