| TampaToker |
06-17-2008 01:44 AM |
How to fuck affiliates!
Took this from Will76's blog on ynot :1orglaugh
Today's lesson on how to fuck your affiliates is a lesson about " life time joins".
What you need to do to master this skill is to advertise to affiliates that you will pay them for life on all sales they make by sending traffic to your program. But when the affiliate stops sending you traffic you stop sending them checks. Why should you keep paying them? What are they going to do, stop sending you traffic LOL? They already did that. So you have nothing to lose, actually you have money to gain. If you stop paying them you will have an instant source of income since you get to keep their money. After all, we all know "life time" really means like a couple years or a couple months, or mm hell it means whatever you want it to mean you are the boss so you make the rules as you go! Besides only morons could possibly think that they would be paid for life.. for doing what? nothing??? They sent that traffic way back when and you continue to pay them now for doing nothing. What did they do for you this pay period? if the answer is zero, then why should you do anything for them?
Part 2, Life time joins, the TOS is your friend. If this affiliate bitches and tries to get you bad publicity then put the blame back on him. That ungrateful SOB is bitching? The nerve you are the one that should be bitching because you have been paying him for doing NOTHING! (When in doubt reference your TOS, that lets you do whatever you want to do because you are the Boss.) Explain to miss guided affiliate that the rules of your program requires him to be "active". Incase your affiliate doesn't understand explain to him that "active" means sending at least 1 hit even if he clicked on the link himself. Make sure to also post said logic publicly so other silly affiliates believe that they will be ok as long as they are "active". Affiliates are a stupid bunch of people, obviously they have to be because if they weren't stupid they would own their own program or be the Boss and run a program. (Between us program owners, if they do send a couple hits a month then use Plan B, " close their account for poor conversions".) If silly affiliate tries to get a bright idea and buys cheap traffic and sends couple hits a week and doesn't make any sales then you can always hit them with the "poor conversions" rule and still close the account down. Remember the golden rule fellow program owners, if they are not making you money fuck them, fuck them, fuck them.
Part 3, Life time joins, Invalid Contact info. Is his contact info up to date? If silly affiliate is still trying to get paid (the nerve, you paid him tons of money for nothing, what has he sent you lately ? NOTHING!) you can always throw the " we couldn't contact you so we decided to stop paying you. We were trying to contact you to let you know that we would stop paying you but since you didn't reply, we decided to stop paying you." Silly affiliate will surely scratch his head and say ? wtf i don't understand, but he is right I didn't have an updated email on file so this is my fault. Now fellow program screwers, if you can pull this off then you are a pro at fucking affiliates... after you explain to silly affiliate how this was all his fault and that you are not going to pay him, tell him you will allow him to promote your company again in the future but he would have to make a new account. If you can convince silly affiliate to send you more traffic using the new account then you have successfully completed the course, "How to fuck affiliates".
Next week's lesson, 7 day cookies!
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