Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.
 

Someone emailed me this. Sorry if a repost, but my "2nd take the piss out of the USA today for the hell of it" thread today is worth it.

A Message from John Cleese....

To: The citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

FIRST, you should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.

Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.

South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the Australians, South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

God save the Queen.

Only He can.

John Cleese

:winkwink::thumbsup:1orglaugh:pimp

:1orglaugh

old but funny - Cleese is great.

I think Britney Spears is already adopting :1orglaugh

HAHA

I don't think the British soldiers could make it thru one major American city :)

lol funny

That was hilarious.

I laughed... hard

nevermind.

i dont feel like teaching gfy history lessons tonight.

:)

Great stuff, I can just hear Cleese reading that aloud in a pompous English accent:thumbsup

This is exactly the sort of stuff my guys in the UK say all the time. The u thing drives them all nuts lol

I can't believe that even now, people still buy into anything and everything that arrives in their email boxes.... without checking snopes.com first.

Not Cleese.

http://www.snopes.com/politics/satire/revocation.asp

LOL ok:1orglaugh British soldiers would kick your monkey asses all over the street

yey another non american talking shit i got a half dozen guns that would make your pussy ass piss your shorts :winkwink:

http://www.internetbling.com/water.jpg
yeah I bet they all look like this one. tard :2 cents:

pic of you ?

:)

Seriously..if nothing else the expert sarcasm would melt people on the spot.

Good John Cleese speach for the people who don't him

https://youtube.com/watch?v=fsHk9WC7fnQ

*ahem* like when you carpet bombing pussies (supposedly) went into Iraq who went in first?
The British SAS, we cleared out the Iraqis ability to fight back.
And you wonder why there were so few American casualties?
Out of those few Americans killed it amazes me how often you shoot each other in a war.... :1orglaugh

lol :1orglaugh

Nothing like a very accurate ONE(1) sided joke.

British soldiers are among the best in the world. but there are to few, and they dont have the training it would take to go though a city in the US.

It's not the US soldiers they would have to watch out for. Its all the citizens with guns.

Maybe if we weren't on they're side any more we'd lose less soldiers to friendly fire ! :1orglaugh :(

Because British soldiers have never dealt with patrolling urban environments where a portion of the locals had the intent to shoot them or blow them up.

Might be the best thing to happen this year to US.
Their incompetance to run the country will lead to the war for sure.War is the only cure for thier economy failure and the only way to pay thier government bonds.

Haha gets funnier every time. I'm sure the gas prices one was added recently mind. Pip pip, off to have tea and crumpets with the Queen now chaps.

Invading the United States would be a lot harder than invading Iraq. Our terrorists (Bloods, Crips, KKK, and others) don't kill for Allah, they kill for fun. Their pure savages. Our kids wont follow you around begging for shit, they have guns and love using them. Have you not heard what happened in the cabrini green projects in Chicago? Our buildings are very tall over here and our terrorists love being snipers. Don't think for a moment our CIA and such wont flood our hoods with more guns and explosives and such than we already have to use on you. From the multi millions of "not giving a fuck" thugs in our inner cities to our "everybody has a big ass gun" in our suburbs plus our armed forces and allies, you wont have a chance fucking with us in our homeland trying to invade us and taking over anything.

Ahem.... Northen Ireland?

Repossessing the US? My only question is... why would you want it back? :D


:1orglaugh

Yes, perhaps you didn't hear the sarcasm in my tone as I wrote it?

old but still funny!

I love Cleese, when I was living in England my favorite show was Fawlty Towers.

http://orangecow.org/pythonet/pics/f...fawltypic8.jpg

Nothing beats British humour. Here here to Fawlty Towers!

This is scary.....

:1orglaugh:1orglaugh

Dude it was a joke, There's always one jesus

The -ize thing is interesting.

The Oxford Dictionary used to use only use -ize. It is in theory the correct way in English. They accept both now as being English.

OK so its not THAT interesting - lol

lol funny here is a small well known saying

When the Germans fire, the British duck;
When the Italians fire, nobody ducks;
And when the Americans fire, EVERYBODY ducks.

no offense intended here:)

Well both are English but they are different versions of it. I suppose, the Oxford's version would by the nature of it cover English English. Websters is the American version.