| Pleasurepays |
09-16-2002 04:33 PM |
WARNING: Listening to Lawrence Conner may cause any one or all of the following
premature balding, excessive weight loss, high blood pressure, pre-traumatic stress syndrome, extra pants, strengthened libido, fur loss, heightened appetite, diabetic comas, twitchiness, grand mal siezures, connection timeouts, blurred vision, narcolepsy, missing shoestrings, gummed up velcro, green beans, world hunger, talking on cell phones while driving, wearing sunglasses, road rage, lengthened siestas, throwing loose change at passers by, eating mayonaisse, low blood pressure, sleeping in late, eating tofu, talking to tech-support morons, wearing cotton-polyester blends, forgetting to shower, importing beer, watching Hong Kong action movies, reading historical fiction, switching chapstick flavors, falling asleep at sporting events, excessive brain activity, nose hair trimming, civil engineering projects, thumb sucking, short sheeting, driving slow in the passing lane, hankering for haggis, laughing at short-bus jokes, falling asleep at the switch, missing a credit card payment, tripping the light fantastic, eating dessicant packets, slurping your soup, teasing zoo-confined carnivores with the unconscious body of your drunken friend, forgetting your birthday, sleeping on park benches, uncontrolled lucidity, shopping at midnight, extracting retsin from breath mints, mining for booger-nuggets, standing in line for colostomy bags, driving to Las Vegas on 3 hours of sleep and 2 fifths of vodka, hair discoloration, heart palpatations, sweet tooth, potty mouth, enlarged pineal gland, retinal clouding, pre-natal balding, having your unconscious body used to tease zoo-confined carnivores, heart-shaped boils, memory loss, arterial expansion, cyberpsychosis, spam, liver infection, pus deficiency, lowered cholesterol, swelling of the feet, tinitus, pre-approval for a corporate credit card, post-traumatic bladder dysfunction, desalinization, sensitization of the face, numbing of the ears, the pilfering of your lucky charms by a very short person of celtic descent, naming your children after weather events, big hats, military industrial complex rationalization, consuming mass quantities of beer and no-pest strips, asking for patio seats on international flights, standing in line to see the wrong movie, salting your peanut butter, informing the National Security Agency of your desire for world peace through the utilization of dental floss and concrete pre-mix, dysentery, sailing the seas of cheese, forking instead of threading, mixing Ozric Tentacles and goth music videos, sticking your head into the wrong room at exactly the wrong moment, taunting happy fun ball, disorientation during coitus, drooling, dyspepsia, eating crackers in bed, promising rose gardens to potential soul-mates, crustal displacement, global warming, paid advertisements, embarrassing involuntary noises, building UFO landing zones in your neighbor's yard, saying pleasant things when the photo cop tags you, eating bowls full of tumors, asking for more stains on your menu, refusing to get your prostate checked because it's gross, knowing what a dump monkey is, eating prize-winning red onion fudge, trying to spit gum into a convertible from an overpass, forgetting to turn off the iron, estrogen deficiency, dry mouth, excessive drooling, wedgies, telling random strangers that you have Superman on your underpants, pleasantness, fighting the power in your spare time, watching C-SPAN and betting on which codger bites it first, beans and spam, watching Pink Floyd's "The Wall" while stone cold sober, making up the wrong words to the bleeps in songs on the radio, being satisfied with water in your cereal instead of milk, reading the sunday paper on thursday, warming up last night's fish sticks in the toaster, baking without pre-heating, mixing the red stuff with the blue stuff, wearing corduroy pantsuits, using words like irascible in everyday conversations incorrectly, rooting for the wrong team, using butter instead of the sensible substitute, wearing a leather jacket to the local "natural foods" store, giving the gift of love with a restraining order, wearing out the spot in your copy of Star Wars where the storm trooper bangs his head on the door, cold hands, organizing your life with sticky notes in hopes that once the glue wears off and the note falls away into oblivion the task will no longer be needed, drinking straight from the bottle bypassing the unnecessary middleman, spam spam spam spam eggs bacon and spam, asking for the triple whammy mother of all heart stoppers bacon and fat sandwich at the sandwich place, coordinating black ops in your free time, random vorpal bunny attacks, whirled peas, sidewalk climbing, dreams of being chased by lemmings, flatulence, cold coffee, jungle rot, hay fever, headaches, incontinence, world domination, higher interest rates, lowered property values, dead parrots, walking silly, being assaulted by a gang of grannies, naming your son Sue, fallen arches, higher numbers in the arbitron, reduced capacitance, a desire to travel, a greener looking lawn, fewer neighborhood pets, x-ray vision, runny nose, picking the winning lotto numbers in the wrong state lottery, showing up for work 30 minutes early and leaving 30 minutes late, color blindness, using a no. 3 instead of a no. 2 pencil, making plans for Nigel, getting blind drunk with Boris Yeltsin in a kareoke bar singing opera with chinese "ladies of the evening", two exits no waiting, lactose intolerance, hereditary blindness, expecting to buy "Saving Private Ryan" on DVD only to find out that Steven Spielberg is a DIVX supporter (the bastard), short pants, explosive diarrhea, halitosis, shortness of breath, irregularity, increased mucuous flow, LOST CARRIER..., gas that would embarrass a bulldog, the kind of ugly you just can't run from, worn out shoes, 20 foot paint jobs, a doctorate in sanskrit, shifting your paradigm, and chafing.
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