GfY thread of jokes in here
 

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN
THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we
going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me
when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you
always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it
feels like when I'm driving with you in the fucking car."



____________


A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee.
He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem.
Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.
The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."


____________


A guy goes to see his mistress who happens to be married.
He sneaks in through the window and notices that her husband is snoring on the bed beside her
He starts to panic but the woman says "don't worry about it, he won't hear a thing. You could pluck a hair from his ass and it wouldn't wake him"
so he plucks a hair from the husband's ass and sure enough the husband doesn't wake.
So he makes love with his mistress and after they're done, he tries to pull another hair off the husband's ass
The husband still doesn't wake up from his sleep. So he goes and humps the women again.
Everytime they finish he pulled another hair from the husband's ass. Finally after several times the husband wakes up and he says
"LOOK I don't care that you're humping my wife, just don't use my ass as a scoreboard!"

_______________________

Q - Why Can't Women play Ice Hockey?

A - because they keep changing their pads after every period.


_________________________

A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said, I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time".

The wife thought for a few moments, then said, "Your dick is bigger than your brother's".

______________________


The Speeding Blonde

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works.

"I've pulled you over for speeding, Miss... Could I see your driver's license?"

"What's a license?" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.

"It's usually in your wallet" replied the officer.

After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.

"Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop.

"Registration... What's that?" asked the blonde.

"It's usually in your glove compartment..." said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration.

"I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration.

After a few moments, the dispatcher came back; "Is this woman driving a red sports car?"

"Yes...." replied the officer

"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher

"Yes" replied the cop.

"Here's what you have to do..." Said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants."

"What? I can't do that. It's inappropriate!" exclaimed the cop.

"Trust me... Just do it..." said the dispatcher.

So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.

The blonde looks down and sighs "Oh no... Not ANOTHER breathalyzer!"

:1orglaugh

roflmfao

Greg emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."

"Perfect," Greg said."I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin.

"You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you."

____________________


A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a

big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that

after dinner, she would like to go out and make love

for the first time.


Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex

before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get

some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and

the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and

sex.


At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many

condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family

pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he

thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.


That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents

house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm

so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table

where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly

offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,

with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the

girlfriend leans over and whispers to the

boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your

father was a pharmacist."

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey, I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box? We're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas."

The wife thought this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box."


_________________________________________________


ONE OF THE BEST JOKES IN THIS THREAD


A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. Can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. Package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a Drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the Cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases,the drunk calmly
stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed
single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing
particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Corvette convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared up I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph.

Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 10 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back"

"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper

no one wants to add jokes?

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.
_____________________________

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
_____________________________

what men would do if they had a vagina for a day
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.
_____________________________

what women would do if they had a penis for a day
10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9......

:1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh

A few buddies are sitting around a card table and one guy says, "man I've been having a lot of Freudian slips lately."

"And I said what do you mean?"

He replies, "Well I was buying tickets for the train and instead of asking the hot girl behind the counter for two tickets to Pittsburgh, I asked her for two pickets to Tittsburgh."

I said, "I've been having a lot of those too. This morning I was eating breakfast with my wife, and instead of saying Honey pass me the syrup, i said, YOU BITCH YOU RUINED MY LIFE."

nice one lol :1orglaugh :1orglaugh

:1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh
Great thread :thumbsup

two condoms standing outside a gaybar. One turns to the other and says "Lets go in and get shitfaced!"

why did the lepper leave the party?

They started dipping crackers in his back.

lol :1orglaugh

thanks for the laughs :)

Q. what do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

A. Nothing you already told her twice

-------------------------------------------------

Q. What do you call a woman with one black eye?

A. A fast Learner

--------------------------------------------------

Q. What do you call a woman with no black eyes?

A. Fucking Psychic

this post = classic i fucking love it

My gut is killing me now... :1orglaugh

Subject: Presidential Candidates

Presidential candidates, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama and John
Edwards were flying to a convention.

Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw
a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten
$100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."

John added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10
bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his
copilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all of them
out of the window and make 156 million people very happy."

_______________________________

An office manager had money problems & had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill.

He thought hed fire the employee who came late to work the next morning. Well, both employees came to work very early.

Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.

Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break - strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk.

Then the manager thought hed wait & see who would leave work the earliest, and both employees stayed until after closing. Jill finally went to the coat rack so the manager thought he would simply be honest and ask her advice.

He went up to her and said, "Jill, I have a terrible problem. I dont know whether to lay you or Jack off." Jill said, "Well, youd better jack off - Im late for my bus."

lol, nice thread!!:thumbsup

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation butI'll take charge. I will pay all cos ts and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."

lol .. :)

ROFLMAO! nice thread...

double post....

Haha... Gret Thread, indeed!

A businessman boarded a flight and was lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he noticed she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replied, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replied, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet You."

lol! nice thread

This is kind of a long one:

A newly wed couple goes to a fishing lodge for their honeymoon, and as he's checking he asks the lodge manager where the best place to fish is. The lodge manager looks confused and says,

"Well, it's about 15 minutes from the launch off to the west, you'll see a tall rock wall, you can't miss it."

The newlywed man says, "Thanks"

So the newlywed couple pulls up to their lodge and the husband just throws all of their luggage into the room and pushes his wife in there and runs to the boat to go fishing. Later that night after the sun has set he comes back and the lodge manager bumps into him and the husband says, "Look at all the fish I caught."

Lodge manager was thinking, well, maybe he's a little nervous on their first night. But then early the next morning, as the sun is barely up, the same lodge manager sees the guy launching off to go fishing again and the husband doesn't come back until it's dark out, and says "Look at the fish I caught."

Lodge manager has to ask, "It's your honeymoon, why aren't you in there doing your wife?"

Husband says, "I can't, she's got herpes"

Lodge manager says, "Well, how about doing her in the ass?"

Husband says, "I can't, she's got aids"

Lodge manager says, "Why doesn't she just suck you off?"

Husband says, "I can't, she's got cold sores"

Lodge manager says, "So you're telling me that you married a women that you can't have sex with, not even anal, she can't suck you off even, why did you marry her?"

Husband says, "She's got worms and I love to fish"

hahahaha

great thread..some maxim worthy stuff

Another long one:

I was riding the subway home and it makes its normal stop at the university and this man gets on, so me making small talk I asked him what he did, and he said that he was a professor at the university teaching logic.

Me: What's Logic?
Professor: Lets do an example, do you have a Lawn Mower?
Me: Yes
Professor: If you have a lawn mower you must have a yard
Me: Yeah, I've got a yard
Professor: If you have a yard, you must have a house
Me: Yeah I have a house
Professor: Judging by your age and you have a house, you must have a significant other
Me: Yeah, I have a wife
Professor: If you have a wife you must have kids
Me: Yeah I have kids
Professor: Then you must be heterosexual
Me: Yeah
Professor: You see, that's Logic, you take on topic and you to the next, then the next, etc.

So later that night my friends and I are sitting around the bar having a beer and my buddy Tom asks me what I did today...

Me: Oh, I ran into this professor and he teaches logic
Tom: Whats logic
Me: Lets do an example, do you have a lawn mower?
Tom: No
Me: Fag!

Why do women get periods?





Because they deserve them

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, and then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by and to the gays' delight she points out the happy child as theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?" one fruitcake says to the other. "All these unhappy children and ours is so happy."

The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now. But just watch what happens when we take the pacifier out of his ass."

whats the diffrence between a hockey player and a hippie chick?








a hockey player takes a shower after 3 periods

:1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh

What do you call a prostitute with her hand up her skirt...
SELF EMPLOYED

Have you heard about the industrious prostitute, she had a vagina surgically implanted on her hip, know why?
SO SHE CAN MAKE MONEY ON THE SIDE

hahahha...i love this joke thread. Keep em coming

hahahha...i love this joke thread. Keep em coming

faboulous joke......keep em coming

This one isn't that funny, but hearing Willie Nelson say it makes it fantastic:

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
~A piece of ass that will bring a tear to your eye

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again, he asks the little old lady, why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"

The old lady replied,? "We just love the chocolate around them."

It pays to be careful around old people.


___________________________________________


How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?


1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

A man got pulled over by a cop because he was weaving in and out of the lanes. The cop got out of his car and asked the driver to blow in a breath-analyzer tube to check his alcohol level.
"Oh, no," the driver said. "I can't do that. If I do that, I'll have an asthma attack and die."
"OK," said the officer, "let's go down to the station and you can pee in a cup to check your alcohol level."
"Oh, no, I can't do that. I'm a diabetic and if I pee my blood sugar level will go down so low that I might die."
"Fine then. Let's go to the station and take a blood test to check your alcohol level."
"Oh, no, I can't do that. I'm a hemophiliac and I'll never stop bleeding if you draw my blood.
"All right then, just step outside your car and walk this white line for me."
"Oh, no, I can't do that."
"Why not?"































"Because I'm drunk."

these are too funny

Person 1) What do you call a black person, who flys a plane?



Person 2) Ermmmm.... (Pause)..... I dunno.... What do you call him?











Person 1) A PILOT YOU FACKING RACEIST !!!