Quote:
Originally Posted by fallenmuffin
(Post 11901969)
5 seconds til notabook enters....
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hehehe :winkwink:
Hard Candy is one of the worst movies I’ve seen in recent years. After re-watching it I won’t rag on it as much as I have in the past. Once you get past the fairly bad acting, the half-dozen or so completely idiotic impossibilities, and the complete lack of realism, the movie IS STILL FUCKING RETARDED AND SHITTY AS FUCK. The movie has no believability and throws all dignity out the window. Furthermore you can’t pick a character to side with. How the fuck are we supposed to sympathize with either character? Which one do we want to succeed? The extremely crazy vigilante with super human powers? Or the hebephile who may or may not have killed the girl?
Spoilers:
The movie starts out slower than a retarded kid covered in syrup inside a freezer. This 14 year old girl stalks this guy in his 30’s (I think). They end up meeting at some little gay coffee house. They meet, they talk, blah blah blah. They decide to go to his house. He asks the 14 year old if she wants to call her older sister to let her know where she’ll be. She declines. After they get to his house he fixes himself a drink then offers her one. She tells him no – she is worried that he may have poisoned her drink so she makes one herself. Then what does the little bitch do? She fixes him a drink but then spikes his. He then passes out.
After this the movie just gets worse, and worse… and worse. She’s tied him up and goes on a rampage throughout the house looking for incriminating evidence that he is a pedophile. At first she can’t find any so she makes sure to snoop on his computer and go through his mail. Then she comes along a hidden safe in an expensive coffee table. Or some kind of table. Shit I don’t know it had fucking rocks on top of it. Anyways this is when she shows her first of many super powers. She’s able to crack his safe in just a few attempts by using her massive intellect and powers of mega deduction. She finds something ‘sick’ in the safe – what it was nobody knows. He starts crying though so we can assume that it was a picture of Celine Dion.
Well the movie just goes downhill from here again. He’s tied up in a chair and somehow gets a gun that the stupid 14 year old left on the bed. You would think she would have sense enough to remove the clip/hide the gun but NO she leaves it right on the bed. Anyways the guy goes swiveling around in his chair like a maniac and gets the gun. Instead of staying in the room and having a clear shot at her if she were to step in the door way he fucking rolls himself in the middle of a room leaving himself unguarded from all sides. She puts some saran wrap or some shit on his head and almost kills him. During this he is smashing her up against a while with enough force that should have broke a few of her ribs.
In addition to her super intellect, she must have had an amazing regenerative ability as well because within a fairly short time span she has evidently completely recovered from her shattered ribcage and reveals yet another super power – super strength. She (a 90lb girl) manages to lift up a man that is probably double her own weight and place him on a table, then tie him up. This is when she prepares the ‘castration’. During this whole ordeal he tells her some stupid story on how somebody threatened to burn his ass with a stove or some bullshit. He keeps telling her that he’s not this guy she is looking for and he’s not a pedophile. She doesn’t listen then goes on to “castrate” him.
After his “castration” she goes to take a shower (yeah, WHY? Because she’s a vigilante and she’s dirty? Jesus Christ this movie sucks) he finally manages to get free to discover that he’s still ‘all there’. She did not perform the castration. Instead the TV that she setup to let him watch himself be castrated (yeah, I forgot to mention that little gem) was hooked up to a VCR and he was watching a tape of another person being castrated (which we can assume she taped in her spare time. I guess). After all this shit instead of calling the police or just leaving the house he decides to go kill her in the shower. He goes in there only to find out she’s not in the shower. Instead she starts electrocuting her with her force lightning attack… ok, that power she doesn’t have. She stunguns the shit out of him while he’s getting soaked from the shower.
As she goes around cleaning up her evidence that she’s been there, he crawls out of the bathroom still very disoriented from the stun gun. She shocks him into unconsciousness once again. Here comes that super strength again! After he’s unconscious we’re to assume she finishes cleaning up evidence then somehow manages to make him stand up in a chair with a rope tied around his neck. Again, she’s about 90lbs and fairly frail and he’s 180lbs (at least). She tells him to kill himself – he won’t do it and instead he gets the ‘leg up’ so to speak and tries to choke her to death as he grabs out and manages to get her into a chokehold with his legs.
Of course he fails (because she’s god… or something) and it eventually leads to a climax on the roof. The 14 year old girl in a previous scene had called his ex girlfriend or some shit and tells him to commit suicide or his ex-gf (or whoever it is) will have to find out he’s a pedophile. The guy breaks down and tells the girl that he’ll tell her where the real killer is at that she’s seeking. She finds it funny and tells him that’s what the other guy said about Jeff (that’s the guys name LOL) right before she got him to kill himself. Instead of stabbing the girl to death, going down and explain to the ex-gf or whoever that it was just a prank phone call…
He kills himself. Yep, he kills himself. He puts a rope around his neck that’s tied to a chimney or some shit then jumps off and kills himself. The end.
If you still want to watch this movie after all that, good luck. You’ll need it.
