Post your favorite Jack Handey saying
 

Here are a few of mine:

"It's a shame that entire families can be torn apart by something so simple as wild dogs"

"The birds seem to be calling my name, thought Caw"

"I love the sounds of kids running and screaming on the playground...too bad they didn't know I was only using blanks"

I had to do a search on Yahoo because I couldn't remember any complete ones. Here's a good one that was listed...

"One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. 'Oh, no,' I said, 'Disneyland burned down.' He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late."

:1orglaugh :1orglaugh I can never quite remember that one entirely...funny one though

"You wanted joins? I thought my gratitude was good enough."

a few more.....

"Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis"

"I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas"

"I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye"

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did." - I always say this to my son and younger cousins

"Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see"

"We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town"

“Hey, the offensive linemen are the biggest guys on the field, they're bigger than everybody else, and that's what makes them the biggest guys on the field.”

I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.

"If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic"

"I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex"

Have this one in my email sig: