Sunday; jokes jokes jokes
 

A sex-starved wife is fed up with her boozy husband. Every night he comes in drunk and falls asleep straight away. It comes to a point where she hasn't had a good shag for over a year and is considering divorce.

After another night in the pub, she decides to confront him when he gets home. When he staggers through the front door, before she can have a go at him, he coos "baby, get upstairs to the bedroom".

She can't believe it - at last he's going to give her one. They get to the bedroom and he rips off her clothes. "Now darling do a hand-stand against the full length mirror on the wall".

"Hmmm," she thinks "KINKY. I like it." She does the handstand and her hubby pulls her legs apart and puts his chin between her legs right on her muff.

"The boys down the pub were right," he says, "a Goatee WOULD suit me!"



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One day a nun was standing on the side of the road waiting for a cab. A
cab stopped and picked her up. During the ride she noticed that the
driver was staring at her.

When she asked him why, he said, "I want to ask you something, but I
don't want to offend you."

She said, "You can't offend me. I have been a nun long enough that I
have heard just about everything."

The cab driver then said, "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun
give me a blow job."

She said, "Well, perhaps we can work something out under two conditions.
You have to be single, and you have to be Catholic."

Immediately the cab driver said, "Oh, yes!
I'm single and I'm Catholic!"

The nun said, "Okay, pull into that alley."

The cab driver pulled into the alley and the nun went to work. Shortly
afterwards, the cab driver started crying.

The nun said, "My child, what's the matter?"

He said tearfully, "Sister, I have sinned. I lied, I lied...I'm married
and I'm Jewish!"

The nun replied, "That's okay. My name's Bruce and I'm on my way to a
costume party!"



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Quotes, comments and deep thoughts

Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries have a use by date?

"According to a new survey, 1 out of 3 men would not go to a doctor if
they had chest pains. With women, it's different. When women have chest
pains, 2 out of 3 men pretend to be doctors."
- Jay Leno

When your wife asks, "Do I look fat?"
The correct response is, "Do I look stupid?"

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

We need laws that protect everyone. Men and women, straights and gays,
regardless of sexual perversion... ah, persuasion.
- Bella Abzug, New York politician
(addressing a rally for the Equal Rights Amendment)

Why do we say Bye Bye...but not Hi Hi?

Q: What did One gay sperm say to another?
A: How do we find an egg in all of this shit?

If you jog in a jogging suit, lounge in lounging pajamas, and smoke in
a smoking jacket, WHY would anyone want to wear a windbreaker??

A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a
young man.

Old Man:

"Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence?
Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone
with me own two hands, piled it for months. But do they call
me McGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.."

Then the old man gestured at the bar.

"Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is?
I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved
that wood with me own hard labor, for eight days. But do
they call me McGregor-the-Bar-builder?

Nooo..."

Then the old man points out the window.

"Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that
stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier
with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But
do they call me McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo... "

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make
sure no one is paying attention.

"But ya fuck one sheep . . . "

Redneck Palm-Pilot

http://www.jokesbee.com/graphx/redneck_palmpilot.jpg




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Old, but I love it still...


A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes from zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat".

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.

:1orglaugh :1orglaugh

This is what I imagine the men's room would look like if GFY had one....


http://www.jokesbee.com/graphx/newurinal.jpg

:1orglaugh Good ones

Early Christmas joke
 

Santa Claus, a smart cop and a stupid cop are all walking down the sidewalk together when they spot a hundred dollar bill in the gutter.

Q: Who will take the money?



A: The stupid cop, since smart cops and Santa Claus don?t exist.

Heres one of my daily jokes

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room when he says to her, "Honey, just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, PLEASE, just pull the plug."

So his wife immediately got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all his beer

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches setting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" asked the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.
The surgeon told her about an new procedure called "the knob", where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift.
Of course, the woman wanted "the knob".
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful.
The woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After 15 yrs, the woman returned to the surgeon with 2 problems.
"All these years everything has been working just fine., I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results.
But now I've developed 2 annoying problems.
"First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and "the knob" won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said,"Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."
At which she replied,"Well, i guess there's no point in asking about the goatee then.

lol nice jokes

Some of those are pretty good. :1orglaugh

Here's one CD that cracked me up the first time I heard it.

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of lifesavers. He gave all the children the
same kind of lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify >>
them by color and flavor. The children began to say:

"Red............cherry,"
"Yellow.........lemon,"
"Green...........lime,"
"Orange........orange."

Finally the professor gave them all honey lifesavers. After eating
them for a few moments, none of the children could identify the
taste.

"Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue, It's what your mother may
sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled: "Oh My God!!!! They're assholes!"

Yep, nice one. I have that one in my joke archive.

You should submit some of your stuff to www.jokesbee.com

If you have a website that can trade with jokesbee.com let me know. :D






Another oldie but goodie....


I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't
resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 90?"

He asked, "well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no", I replied. "I've never done either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, I heard that all red
meat is very unhealthy."

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf / sailing / ballooning / motorcycling / rock
climbing?" "No I don't", I said.

He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?"
"No", I said. "I have never done any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit if you live to be 90?"

Heh...

Without vices...might as well be dead :winkwink:

:1orglaugh Love that one!!!!!!!

all pretty good!

Thank you for the laugh, sweetie! I needed that!

very funny stuff thanks lol

:1orglaugh :1orglaugh Thanks for the laugh..

Little old lady biker

A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club. One day she
goes up and knocks on the club's door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with
tattoos all over his arms answers the door.

She announces, " I want to join your club."

The biker is amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements
in order to join. He asks, " Do you have a motorcycle?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep ... my bike's parked over there," and
points to a Harley in the driveway.

The biker asks, "Do you drink?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep ... like a fish. I'll drink any man in
your club under the table."

The biker asks, "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep...smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs
a day and a couple of cigars in the evening when I'm shootin' pool."

The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question. Have you ever been
picked up by the fuzz?"

The little old lady thinks for a minute and replies, "Nope...but I've been
swung around by the nipples once or twice."

THE BLONDE NUN:

Mother superior calls all the nuns together and says "I must tell you all something.... we have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Praise the Lord!" says a blonde nun from the back of the room....

"I am so tired of chardonnay"


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This one is the best!! :1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh

those were really good jokes, thanks CDSMITH.

I have a joke blog I can trade hard links with you.
I will ICQ you the info as soon as I add your site :thumbsup